[Closed] Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

I hope it goes well for you, and that the dust eventually settles so that everyone involved can see more clearly than at present. It will change you, and will change the way that you think about yourself and the world around you.

Good luck..

Update - if anyone is interested...

looks like we are planning a timetable towards when I am with my lover rather than my wife, and for the rest of our lives, but choosing a time which is the least academically damaging for my kids. Nothing can protect them from all the emotional effects

sometimes 2 people meet and they are just fated to be together... Perhaps we should have met 20 years ago - but I would hate to have not had my children who I love intensely. But this was not just about sex in the end - but about intimacy and connection and love.

It isn't going to be easy - and was never going to be whether I stayed or went. For any of us.

Thanks to everyone (including TJ - and I really do mean that) who contributed to this thread before.

You need to think really, [i]really[/i] hard about this. A month ago you were talking about your girlfriend on a 'friends with benefits' basis. Now you're looking to upset the family apple cart and move in with her.

Sure, we all think we know what we want, but you really need to stop to consider what you're going to miss. And even if you think it'll have absolutely no benefit whatsoever, try Relate. Even if you end up splitting with your wife, the counselling will at least force the two of you to confront the fact that you're no longer suited to each other, and that a split's the best idea.

You've been with your wife for 15 years or so? D'you not think the marriage deserves a bit more working at, rather than unilaterally deciding to walk out.

Well this has been an interesting thread.
OP you seem like a decent bloke, you realised something has been missing in your relationship for a number of years and tried to work through it with the best intentions for you, your wife and your kids... that should be applauded and celebrated..
You’ve realised this isn't the best option for You in the long run, you've tried another route with your new partner and that route has lead to your realisation that "family life at home" isn't all that rosy, well done, that ought to be celebrated too. You've needed this time with your new partner to realise the deficiencies in your "family life” at home and come to a conclusion which despite being traumatic for you, your family and now your new partner (for this will affect her too don't forget) that the most decent and honest thing you can do is separate from your wife.
You must not forget that separating from your wife means separating form your kids, they still need and will want you as their father and you must honour that till the end. Your new partner will have to live and respect that too and she’s already taken that emotional barrier down by accepting you as her new partner, that too should he celebrated.
You should not feel guilt, though this is perfectly natural, you must not feel regret either, you still love and respect your family, but now in a different way. Your actions too (unless I’ve read them wrong) seem to have been taken very quickly (1 mth or so No??) which to me seems like you’ve been thinking about your family situation for some time and needed a catalyst to feed the realisation. You’ve now made that choice.
You are a brave man. You are to be applauded on your most honourable actions for both your new partner and your family

"We" are planning, does that include your wife? Or is she still oblivious?

Fate, touching wood and not walking under ladders are nonsense.

least academically damaging for my kids

Mum and dad split the Christmas as I was going into my 'o'level year at school - they had talked about waiting until i'd got through school but mum ultimately decided she could not put up with the 'act' of being together and actually walked on Christmas eve - think that gives an accurate measure of just how things were between them. though neither of them was blameless in contributing to the split. My brother is 2 years younger so the planned split would not (mmm...) affected his final year.
Hurt like hell but, i'd rather they'd done it then than learn later that they'd waited - having said all that - mum and dad had obviously talked about this - seems your's is a unilateral decision?

and for the rest of our lives

Wouldn't it be ironic to have turned your life upside down only to get dumped by the new 'partner'? If she is such a catch why is she single and mixed up with a married man?

I haven't read all the replies, but it seems her interest and motivation in all this has been overlooked and is central to the whole debate!

I sincerely hope this all goes well for you, but be careful of pinning all your hopes on this 'unknown quantity' who could turn out to be more unstable than you ever imagined!

or even have a dual identity? who knows? 😉

never make promises when you're happy or threats when you're angry

Only read the OP, so sorry if this has been said already, but when kids are in the mix then you have different priorities and responsibilities. Getting a regular leg over should be further down the list than your children and their stability.

That's my two-penneth anyway. I might read the thread now... 😀

I'm finding this hard to believe, that some people are almost applauding this fella for 'trying to fix it' by sleeping with someone else? Jeez.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be cheated on or to do the same to someone else, absolutely disgraceful.

I can easily see why you were canonised colin. Was it Benedict or the previous incumbent?

Anyway... you missed a trick there. You could at least have added a bit about burning in hell or something. Frankly, your letting the side down

Hallelujah brother

I haven't read through the whole thread, but I hope that this will give you some hope.

I was in a very similar situation to yours, except that it sounds like my marriage had moved a bit further down the path towards disintegration, the path which I suspect yours was on too. My ex and I ended up disliking each other, my wife was pretty vile to me, and I was certainly not a good husband to her, I was disengaged, dismissive and avoided spending time with her as much as I could (using cycling as an excuse to be away from our unhappy home). Just over 3 years ago I got closer to and then developed a relationship with a woman I had known for over 10 years. Last month my new partner and I moved in together and love our new life together, my ex is so much happier than when we were together, and crucially my daughter has 2 happy homes, rather than 1 miserable one.

You will undoubtedly go through some awful, awful times in the coming months and years, although it’s important to remember that they’ll probably be much less awful than the times your wife is going to go through. Do realise that all the strain, opprobrium and general crap coming your way will put a huge stress on your new relationship, I think a look at some of the more simplistic, sanctimonious posts on here will give you a bit of the flavour of what might come. You sound like a level-headed sort, and smug self-justification doesn’t seem to be your style, so keep that attitude, and keep the courage of your convictions.

Of course every situation is different, so here’s hoping for the best outcome for you, your new partner, your wife and your kids.

HughStew - he says he likes his wife in the OP, so sounds different to your situation.

EDIT - just read more and realise this is a month old thread. Either way, hope it all ends well and happily for all concerned.

Well I didn't dislike her when I married her! And while I wouldn't say I particularly like her now, we get on OK, and I can once again see that I wasn't insane to marry her.

What I meant is that the build up of frustration and resentment can corrode a marriage, that's what heppened in my case. Of course all situations are different but I suspect that once OP saw a chance of happiness elsewhere that his marriage is not likely to survive.

On a slight tangent........lots of recommendations for going to Relate ^^.

I have yet to find anyone I know personally who have found them to be any help at all in saving relationships. For several it has merely highlighted and brought incompatibilty to the fore, Their main function seems to be to act as mediator and ensure a more amicable separation!

Purely my limited experience (1/2 dozen couples) and observation of course 8)

A 'lateral' perspective:
don't you think that persons involved in affairs like this are a bit like bank robbers, in that you only ever hear of the ones who get caught! All stats seem to point to the divorces, heartbreak, etc. But there could be ten times as many people having long and happy 'situations' just like this one. When you think about it that is most probably the case!

I am a firm believer in 'following your heart' but of course take the time to think things through. You will find the tug of love is stronger in one direction than it is in the other and that is probably the direction you should take.

Desperategit, why ask the opinion of people on a forum about this instead of following your heart? if you haven't already, do it now, pick up the phone, send that text, or email, and take your chance at happiness. 😉

I have yet to find anyone I know personally who have found them to be any help at all in saving relationships.

I'm still married. Were it not for Relate (other counselling services are available) I wouldn't be.

Apart from the Gay helpline bit, which was funny but a bit non-PC, GRF is talking a lot of sense...

have you thought about just she ant in to sex that much.. its not law to like it.

Every woman is 'in' to sex if it's presented correctly as backed by love and emotion.

Every woman is 'in' to sex if it's presented correctly as backed by love and emotion.

what about asexuals, they dont like sex at all. many of them are female

what about asexuals, they dont like sex at all

Except that GRF is generalising and I've yet to meet a woman to match his sterotype. However I can think of at least one that likes what he says they should dislike and another that dislikes the things his stereotype likes. We don't all like the same thing. Do we? And women don't all like the same thing.

What I can say is that some women have made me tick and others haven't. I'm certain I've made some women tick and equally certain I've done nothing for others. Now from those statement you can make four categories and there's only one that results in any hope of a working relationship.

what about asexuals, they dont like sex at all

It's a sad state of affairs when you can shag yourself but don't enjoy it.

there not snails 🙂 they have no sex drive at all. none.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

It's a sad state of affairs when you can shag yourself but don't enjoy it.

My boss is a miserable wan-ker, is that what you meant?

It's a sad state of affairs when you can shag yourself but don't enjoy it.
My boss is a miserable wan-ker, is that what you meant?

does ur boss leave a slime trail?

Much better to just get on with it. Good luck. Be nice to your wife, for everyones sake.
Roll with the punches if you want to keep things good for the kids. Take
Some time to introduce your lover to the kids.

Good luck again!

Have a hard long think ... is it just sex or do you want a more intimate relationship?

In my own experience, honesty is the best policy, you have a long a rocky road ahead of you. You could argue that your marriage has ended (before your affair), as sex is (to some) a vital part of a loving partnership ... sort of cements you together ... and denying sex is a form of rejection.

Sadly this is an age old problem, and ultimately you and your family will be unhappy regardless of either lie you choose to live ... keeping quiet or staying in a loveless marriage.

I feel in love with someone else ... we are still together nearly four years on ... my Son knows I love him (he is ten as well) ... and he is doing 'better' now his parents are split than if we stayed together.

I'm not saying things are going to be easy at all or what the outcome will be ... but your 'journey' sounds like it started many years ago.

Take care.

Have a hard long **nk

its de rigeur with the french, the saucy gits.

Decent troll, 8/10 for effort.

Troll or not it's certainly brought in a myriad of opinions and statements, some funny, some serious, some potentially helpful. If you take a look at the majority of the posts the highest proportion say the same things, which on here is enlightening.
So I’d say deffo 8/10 for a decent post.
Now where’s the flamethrower and blinkers when you need em’ hahaha
Good Luck.

have a ****

I would love to know more about the real 'Desperategit' I have a feeling this persona may not even be a man. But if it is a woman, which one 'wife' or 'other' 😕

Seriously I don't think people can say too much unless they have been in the same position. It is difficult and all of us put up with bad situations at times.
People are right in saying life is too short and you should enjoy it because you really don't know when it will end.
The children are the ones that will find this the most difficult but if you can try to sort things out amicably then that will help, if they are going to see argumant after argument then they will suffer.
And I don't think they will won't too be involved with the new partner for quite a while. I would say tell your wife your not happy its over she may feel the same way, and then you can move on before it becomes public.
I don't expect you went out looking for this situation, it propably just kind of happened, and if your not happy at the time it is hard to walk away as you think you have found happiness. But if your not happy at home having this new partner may not be the answer but just a distraction.
I hope this makes sense. Don't feel bad because this happens to loads and loads of poeple, your not on your own at all.

I don't expect you went out looking for this situation, it propably just kind of happened

Nicky, I think you are right, best not to be judgemental as you never know - just because you have never been in this situation doesn't mean you never will be!

There are all kinds of relationships in the world, many work, many don't, regardless of their composition.

My only harsh thoughts are - why air it on here? do you realy need the input of online strangers to solve your emotional issues? If so maybe there are things besides this relationship you need to sort out.

now, will the real desperategit please stand up 😉

wow - this one still going...

Yes I am a bloke. Not a troll. Thanks for all the thoughts.

Supertramp - good question - because when I started the thread there was no one I could discuss this with - and I thought I could do with some other perspectives. I have seen some helpful and well thought responses to other relationship questions on here before, more than on any other forum I have seen. And that happened here too. Thanks

desperategit, read my older posts I beleive your situation could work. Maybe not forever, but then what does? it is better to have loved and lost and all that. Go for it and be happy 🙂

Yeah-you have to get on and be happy. Life can be too short and in sort of job I do it is a real eye opener-you just never know whats round the corner. People who find everlasting love are very fortunate it doesn't happen for everyone, for some it just plain difficult. There is someone out there for everyone just hard work finding them.
Just go be happy and main thing look after the children.
Hi Supertramp. How did you get that bit I wrote up on your bit?
Bit new to all this! Thanks

desperategit, now it is all resolved do we get to see who you are?

Nicky, i just hit the quote button at the top of the reply box, cut and pasted your quote, then hit the button again. Might not be the correct method, but i'm very new to all this too. Love you profile pic by the way 😉

Are men such selfish bars. though? How often do you refuse to something your spouse requests. "I need the car tonight, dear". I dutifully push the car out, put the battery on charge, wash the dust off etc.. Going back a few years "I think his nappy needs changing", I washed his arse and fitted a new nappy. "The sink's blocked (with my hair) again, dear", with not a hint of protest I start dismantling the thing.

Is it so unreasonable then for a man to say "if you don't fancy a shag (because I've looked at the calendar) I'd appreciate a massage and hand job"? I don't expect passion or even simulated passion every day but is providing a minimum service really any more arduous for a woman than ironing a few shirts, something I never asked my wife to do but you get the idea. Anyhow it works for us.

Yeah thanks. Got the glasses on to hide the face! Yours is cool to!!!!
That was taken when I led a ride out from home for the club. Good ride to lots of hills, I made them suffer! Have been asked to put it on again because the scenery was gorgeous. So couldn't have been that bad. Didn't know that was being taken and that helps to.
Thanks though 😛

I didn't notice the scenery 😉

[quoteI didn't notice the scenery 😉
You can't beat the stunning Dorset scenery. Its fabulous. 😉
Think I did the quote thing right-although doesn't look quite the same as the others. Time for a black coffee one thinks. Shaftesbury Cycle Revival tomorrow if I can get in. Up Gold Hill where they did the Hovis bread adverts-should be fun apart from the weather!

Nicky, your either missing my point, or are very shrewd 😀 I think it is the later 😉