MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Have a mate, enjoyed life, thought everything was good, not a worry in the world.
Whilst working away his wife was cheating on him. He found out, cue crying and apologies etc etc etc - they stayed together
Months go by, he catches her again with the same bloke - cue crying and aplogies again, he should have been stronger and walked but didn't.
For last 6 months there not been any issues - but even though he still loves her, he feels like that special connection they once had has gone - he also feels pretty worthless.
He goes out most weekends with a pretty large group of friends, his wife, her friends, friend of friends, people duck in and out etc.
Like most men, he'll look at other women and admire their form and then not give it another thought - its not like he'd ever cheat, because one, he knows the pain it causes and two, he's just not that sort of person.
Thats the background - heres his problem:
Theres a girl in the group, a friend of a friend sort of thing. Few weeks ago on a night out, he got talking to her.....turns out shes pretty awesome.
Since then he's been chatting to her a bit via internet and seem to have lots to chat about (both he and she just have general chit chat nothing more). He feels like some sort of school kid with a crush and thinks about her a lot........but even though he's not mentioned these feelings to anyone, he feels VERY guilty about it.
How does he stop these feelings and get back to the mundane normal life?
but even though he's not mentioned these feelings to anyone, he feels VERY guilty about it
If I could read minds I'd be a secret agent or a master criminal, not an agony aunt.
The expression I've heard is "spank it like a monkey in a mango tree."
HTH.
Why does he want a mundane normal life?
You are Darren Brown, I claim my £5.even though he's not mentioned these feelings to anyone
Whack off in the shower every morning, purge those hormone filled pods.
Can I use the phrase "hit it like a ginger stepkid"?
You are Darren Brown, I claim my £5.
Derren's brother?
Your 'mate' should do what his heart tells him, not his head. He owes nothing to anyone and any feelings of guilt he has are purely ones of conformity to set of rules and values expected of a married man.
but even though he's not mentioned these feelings to anyone
How do you know then? or is this one of those 'mate' questions where we're not supposed to know that it is you?
are there any kids involved? what is the financial situation (shared house etc.)?
Dave
he should dump the cheating bitch and run off into the sunset with teh awesome girl. He'll only loose half his house, well worth it IMO.
Yup, leave wife, move on.
or cheat on wife and see how she likes it...
Proven.. his wifes cheated,
Proven.. he's taken her back,
Proven.. he's still a Man and can have feelings.
Choice.. stay where the probability of manogamy is stacked against him or break free if the other Girl feels the same.
But a clean break it must be, no behind the wifes back stuff please, be honest opena nd true to oneself.
blah, blah..
no kids involved
How do you know then? or is this one of those 'mate' questions where we're not supposed to know that it is you?
First posting from the man calling himself headmash, well done Sherlock. 😆
manogamy
Is that like monogamy but between dudes?
.... is this what they call a ' troll post' ?
I 'll play along though ...
Your friend ... should arrange a time for this new lady to call around. Ideally timed for his wife to walk into the bedroom as he is hanging out the back of the new lady .. If he can somehow talk the new lady to be wearing his wifes bestest sexy underwear ...that would work out just fine.
😳well done Sherlock.
no kids involved
Get out then; she's deservedly lost your trust.
Get away from her and try life on your own for a bit. Possibly don't go straight for the new bird - rebound alert! - or if you do, then take it slow. You may decide that you want your missus back, in which case, retaining the moral high ground would be good.
Dave
iDave - beacuse he thinks thats prob the right thing to do
MF - good to know he shouldn't feel too guilty
bikebouy - you speak sense
mooman - not a troll
Alfabus - this is maybe what he should have done
.
the right thing to do
the right thing to do is a fallacy. there is no 'right thing'.
whatever you do, there will be pain, just take the course with less suffering and more likelihood of pleasure.
toss a coin, when it's in the air, you'll know what you really want.
There may be trouble ahead,
But while there's music and moonlight, and love and romance,
Let's face the music and dance.
There may be trouble ahead,
But while there's music and moonlight, and love and romance,
[s]Let's face the music and dance.[/s]
[post edited. Mod]
😆 @ Stoner!
So own the wife with a pair of bombers, not forgetting to piss in her shoes.
Then go round to the new girls, [post edited. Mod] and paint them white on the way out.
Seems like a plan of action is forming.
idave - thats quite poetic and probably true
he's just heard she'll be out this weekend
If there's no kids to worry about and this other woman is that great then get out of the marriage. Or could it just be a case of the grass being greener? If you/he does decide to leave though as above, do it honestly - just because she cheated on you/him there's no need to reciprocate and create bad feeling.
I like that.toss a coin, when it's in the air, you'll know what you really want
Arrange skip.
Wifey out for the day.
Change locks.
Put wifeys stuff in skip.
Call awesome hottie round.
Have sexytime in front room when wifey due back.
Legal experts refer to this as a "Clean Break".
MSP - not how how the trouble will manifest but I'm sure you're right also
How 'awesome' is the new girl? Any pics?
MSP: 'So own the wife with a pair of bombers'
Stepped over the line there fella... domestic abuse jokes ain't funny.
The rest is fine though, carry on.
Your marriage is over. But if you're honest, you know that already
You have the chance of hapiness. Take it
It'll be a hard painful transitional period, but ultimately worth it. Believe me.
And you'll know where it went wrong last time. So try not to repeat. Awesome girls tend to get more awesome. 😀
Man who can't sort his life out without advice from random mountain bikers has more problems than he thinks, probably.
Trust gone = marriage crashed and burned.
Leave cheating wife. Get divorce started citing infidelity.
Relax with a good bottle of red and see awesome chick occasionally and see how things develop.
My work here is done.
Your marriage [s]is[/s] might be over. But if you're honest, you [s]know that already[/s] have been wondering that
crikey - think youre prob right
Like most men, he'll look at other women and admire their form and then not give it another thought - [b]its not like he'd ever cheat[/b], because one, he knows the pain it causes and two, he's just not that sort of person.[b]Since then he's been chatting to her a bit via internet and seem to have lots to chat about [/b](both he and she just have general chit chat nothing more). He feels like some sort of school kid with a crush and thinks about her a lot........but even though he's not mentioned these feelings to anyone, he feels VERY guilty about it.
The two bits in bold are not compatible.
"He" already is cheating.
"He" needs to decide whether "he" really does want to spend the rest of his life with his wife.
If "he" does then he'd better not "chat" with the hottie again.
If "he" doesn't, then he'd better fess up to the wife, tell her it's over and move on.
Those are the only two options that aren't going to lead to lots of bitterness and wasted time all round.
the right thing to do is a fallacy. there is no 'right thing'.
Totally disagree with that. The right thing to do is the thing that is right for the person making the decision. Why would doing what you want to do be the wrong thing to do in these circumstances?
New "hottie" = Surfmat in a dress.
The fact you have these feelings is unsurprising. Just make sure its what you actually want, not what you think you want.
The fact that your wife has played away TWICE is telling me that she's not that bothered either.
Trial separation might be an idea. She can see other bloke, you can have an awesome time with awesome girl. If no guilt feelings develop, get in there!
Since then he's been chatting to her a bit via internet and seem to have lots to chat about
This is what I found out my ex was doing.
Marching orders were served about 30 seconds later...
The right thing to do is the thing that is right for the person making the decision.
Surely that can only be determined with hindsight?
What I'm trying to say, is that going back to 'mundane normality' doesn't seem like a smart move, just because the OP thinks it's 'right' based on some weird framework built by other people.
Trial separation = separation. Don't waste time trying to dress it up and pretend it's something else.
Surely that can only be determined with hindsight?
Unfortunately we can't run the experiment twice. He might never know if he took the right decision. The tricky bit is coming to terms with not knowing. But whatever happens, IMHO, better to make a decision then stick to it (either way) than trying to play it two ways at the same time.
Surely that can only be determined with hindsight?What I'm trying to say, is that going back to 'mundane normality' doesn't seem like a smart move, just because the OP thinks it's 'right' based on some weird framework built by other people
Possibly but you make the decision based on what you think is right at the time. I agree with the second part of what you say though so we are on the same page. The OP shouldn't do what he assumes is right based on convention.
Wife cheated - get rid simple! Painful in the short term yes, very, but you'll look back in 6 months time and think why did I put up with that?
If I were you though and this had happened then [post edited. Mod] like a 'belt fed machine gun'. Once you've done this then ditch your wife and tell her you've been cheating.
Not big and not clever, but it will make you feel a hell of a lot better.
Not big and not clever, but it will make you feel a hell of a lot better.
Or not.
I'm somewhat surprised that the responses here have been so conformist. It's clear that 'your mate' and his wife still have feelings for each other, given that they both want to stay together. Yet, the wife has a tendency to roam, and now so too does the husband. Why, is that such a bad thing in a marriage? A more open approach would allow you both to stay together as you want, yet have no recriminations about a bit of recreational "how's yer father". Ok, some ground rules need to be, e.g. not in our bed, not while I'm in the house, etc.
But i see no reason why this couldn't work. It does for many others
What would be the best outcome for you, OP?
What would be the best outcome for you, OP?
well, I think some of the probs could be solved if [post edited. Mod]
given that they both want to stay together
Do they? Or do they just assume they should stay together or fear the financial hardship breaking up will bring?
Perhaps she just sees him as a mug who will put up with her shagging around yet put a roof over her head?
Do they? Or do they just assume they should stay together or fear the financial hardship breaking up will bring?
Perhaps she just sees him as a mug who will put up with her shagging around yet put a roof over her head?
Neither of those exclude their wanting to stay together, and her shagging around won't be a problem if it's part of what they do.
At the risk of going against convention (especially on this forum), [i]don’t[/i] go all out for the awesome girl. Sure, she may be totally wonderful, but once bitten, twice shy. Didn’t you use to feel like this about your wife?
It sounds as if your marriage is over, but at the very least try to fix it – Relate would be a good move. If your wife refuses, that tells its own story. If you and she are prepared to work at it, then isn't that what you really want?
Either way, please don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. You need to get over this relationship before you jump into the next one, otherwise you and the awesome girl will have a short time of fantastic sex but nothing else to sustain the relationship; it might work, but the odds are that you'll break up after a month or so, if you're trying to sort out a divorce at the same time.
If she’s that awesome, she deserves better, no?
otherwise you and the awesome girl will have a short time of fantastic sex but nothing else to sustain the relationship; it might work, but the odds are that you'll break up after a month or so
This is true, stay away, after all, all you have to gain is a month of fantastic sex.
If there's no kids involved... grow up and get out, put on your best wry smile and move on..
it's not Beverly Hills 90210 FFS..!
Life is short and shouldn't be squandered trying to hold on to a bullshine fake romance.. don't even think about it for a second.. if you're having doubts about it but still hanging on then you're just feeding your desperation.. there really are plenty more fish in the sea.. don't be wasting your life confusing love with insecurity..
Fall in love as often as you can..
end of thread
Mate you know what to do, so grow a pair and bloody get on with it.
Sorry for seeming insensitive but you know full well wifey needs to Foxtrot Oscar. You are just dragging it out now so do the best thing for everyone and throw her out now.
Don't rush into it with the awesome chick, you'll f*** it up and she'll only think your rebounding.
BTW, I think STW should decide if she's awesome or not so pics now please.
Being driven by your d*ck is never a good option. It'll be short term at best and the probability of hurting both you and "awsome girl" high. Your "wife" will most likely not understand your infidelity either (despite her infraction) therby greating a whole emotional hornets nest of angst/guilt/recrimination.
Clean break the only viable option IMO, then once settled take an approach at "awsome girl" and take it easy.
Your friend sounds like a decent moral sort, try to guide him to play to his strengths.
No need for d*ck logic.
Using "he" is not going to be enough to help you get a super-injunction once you get the hottie preggers.
It sounds as if your marriage is over, but at the very least try to fix it
If it sounds like the marriage is over then it almost certainly is - why waste time dragging things out? Get rid, get over - move on. Things will never be as they were however hard you try to patch things up. You could try sure, but this sounds past that stage and what's the point in delaying the rest of your life?
If it sounds like the marriage is over then it almost certainly is
Not the case. I'm living proof of that.
Actually some really good advice on here - I know its lame asking for such from a bunch of strangers on the internet but solution or not sometimes its handy just to blurt stuff out to strangers without recrimination - so thanks for that.
I think awesome girl isn't the solution, more of a wake up call to how my mate has been living.
Bullheart - you asked what the best outcome would be - I'd say roll back time, change what I was doing wrong (though if I'm honest Im not sure what that is, although it must be something), wife not have an affair - but you cant roll back time so the second best thing would to rekindle our relationship and for us both to be happy like we used to be - we were until all this happened and had been together for 10 years , maybe I just got complacent.
Other than that, god knows - I'm not rushing into anything with awesome girl, and I prob never will - Its all more about how its changed how I think about things - I'm prob not making a lot of sense here
so the second best thing would to rekindle our relationship and for us both to be happy like we used to be
There's your answer then. Just how hard are you willing to work to get to that stage then?
Nothing worth having ever came easy.
Can I use the phrase "hit it like a ginger stepkid"?
Just chocked on my banana... 😀
I thinks this has got to the point where I sound like a self-absorbed attention %$£" - so with that I'll thank you for all your comments, some surprising helpful, some very funny - lots to think about
Time to return to my usual forum persona 🙂
Headmash may make a return sometime in the future if anything ever gets resolved
cheers guys
Not the case. I'm living proof of that.
Mate, hats off to you then and I guess it can work in some cases.
At the end of the day though this girl has cheated for a second time after apologising for the first time. That kind of says a lot about her character to me. Who's to say she's not still doing it a third time but the OP has just not found out about it yet?
The key I guess is whether she's cheated because its just in her nature to do that, or whether she's cheated because there's something that is genuinely wrong with the relationship. If it's the first then the OP needs to get rid. If it's the second then it might be something that's fixable.
I'd still be tempted to get rid to be honest and move on - especially if there's no kids involved.
Whilst working away his wife was cheating on him
Some women & men can cope better with this than others.
I'd say roll back time, change what I was doing wrong (though if I'm honest Im not sure what that is, although it must be something)
It is what you do when you are at home
Would "awsome girl" be any different?
If she is so "awsome" why is she still single?
Would "awsome girl" be any different?
If she is so "awsome" why is she still single?
This girl could be great - the best thing since sliced bread, and the OP will never find out unless he goes for it? Why is she still single? Strange way to judge someone? Weren't we all single at some point?
Its all more about how its changed how I think about things - I'm prob not making a lot of sense here
You are making perfect sense to me.
IMHO,
The new girl is neither problem nor solution, but a symptom. With respect to the "what should he do?" question, she is irrelevant.
Wife cheats once, mistakes happen, it's a wake-up call that something needs to change.
Wife cheats twice, it's a sign that whatever you're doing to fix the problems, it's not working.
Wife cheats twice [i]with the same person,[/i] all bets are off, she wants to be with the cheatee rather than the husband and hubby would be doing all three parties a favour by breaking up with her.
This girl could be great - the best thing since sliced bread, and the OP will never find out unless he goes for it? Why is she still single? Strange way to judge someone? Weren't we all single at some point?
I don't know anyone who has just walked into a perfect relationship, where everything has been fantastic all of the time with no compromise and no arguments. Anyone who thinks that it is just a question of finding the right girl is (IMHO) a bit naive.
If the OP has invested 10 years in his relationship, then it would be foolish to throw it aside without due consideration.
OTOH, if he feels that trust can never be restored, then better to face the facts and make the break.
I think there is some good advice on here, and the last poster has it good. There is never a perfect relationship..
The OP has now left the building.
I hope the OP finds what he's looking for and one thing he's just let out of the bag is this..
Awesome Girls is just a wake up call.. Well there you go see.. You are now seeing the possibility of a future without your current wife.
Thats to be encouraged. And you should feel such realising that there are most definetly people out there who feel like you and actually like you too.
Whoop.