[Closed] Living with guilt.

Wife maybe?

Definitely worth talking to someone, Ton. Whilst talking to friends and family can help, I personally found it easier to talk to someone I had no prior relationship with - a professional counsellor. They had the skills I needed to help me explore my feelings.

For what it’s worth, you always come across here as a decent bloke, and feelings of guilt can often be a result of overly self-critical thoughts.

Guilt is a socially cultivated emotion, a poison directed towards yourself.

Sadhguru Quotes

A general feeling of guilt can be a symptom of generalised anxiety disorder. Have you ever noticeably suffered from any symptoms of anxiety or depression? Definitely worth using your family and social network to talk about how you’re feeling but if that doesn’t work or you want to seek professional help the first port of call is usually your GP. I’d suggest you consider that if the feeling persists or becomes more intrusive. Unfortunately the state of mental health services in this country means any referral to a specialist will take forever but a chat with your GP alone might help you at least. You’re spot on not to just ignore it.

My suspicion would that that its guilt about enjoying being retired - that old protestant work ethic poisoning you

Only a guess tho

A counselor of the exploratory type would be the person to untangle this perhaps.

Yep, this is what the trained people are good with.

You need to find the trigger point for the feelings and go from there, as in how far back can you remember having this feeling - did it start recently or has it been with you a while etc.

Yea, I have similar going on. Get help.

I see your problem.

You're human.

All men are guilty, according to my other half. I am normally condemned for things i have no knowledge of long before i am aware that of the thing i didn't do.

I am now guilty in advance just in case i actually don't do something.

I can also be guilty of someone else's mistake simply by the fact i know them, like a dog getting its nose rubbed in the Cats piss.

I can be guilty of not communicating even though i have explained "something" between 3 and 5 times.

I wander about in a state of permanent guilt.

This is not a piss take response.

Forgot to say... i ceased to give a **** some time ago.

I had guilt for things I’d done in my youth. It would become a cycle of guilt, anger, regret playing out in my mind while still smiling outwardly

I agree with the above that talking to someone is the way forward. For me as a Christian I brought it to God, laid out the things I’d done & asked for help. Even that step felt better and when the guilt returned I was on the blower to the almighty

This took a while to work through but now it feels compartmentalised. I know it’s still there but God still takes my calls on it and melts the feelings away

The Bible tackles guilt & suffering and throwing your cares at God. Psalm 32 is useful, especially verse 1-7
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psalm_32

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+32&version=NIV

I pray you find peace from the guilt that troubles you

I think the posts suggesting counselling are good ones Ton. An alternative consideration more in line with Cougar's comment is that compared to many humans, we are extremely fortunate (I don't know you at all outside of the posts from you I've read, so apologise for making assumptions) - for some that understanding can cause guilt.

My OH has struggled with this - maybe not guilt, but a feeling that for all she does at home, at work, and for family and friends, it wasn't enough compared to the suffering others are experiencing. She was unfulfilled/not content.

She found that helping at a local homeless centre rewarding - she doesn't do loads, just bakes food for them some Sundays. My daughter helps her, and I sometimes drop it off so it's become a family thing too.

I don't suggest volunteering lightly, I guess it could induce further guilt if you don't have the time or the inclination, but it doesn't have to be a regular thing, or a particularly time consuming thing. Whatever you can spare (maybe in an area close to your heart?) could make a big difference.

I have this, and TJ's throw away comment actually struck home with me. I was lucky enough to take early retirement about 6 years ago (I'm 57) and have had a constant, vague feeling of guilt ever since. I also underestimated how much answering the question 'so what do you do then'? would affect my feelings of identity and self worth. Like you Ton, I am happily married (35 years) with 2 great kids, lots of friends and hobbies etc.

Apart from this vague, unfocused guilt I actually enjoy retirement and have no desire to go back to full time work. I have been volunteering on and off though for one or two days a week for most of this year. This has really helped. I get a massive kick when someone I don't know thanks me, acknowledges I've done something worthwhile or useful or has helped them in some small way. I think this is a key part of it for me, validation by people outside my immediate family and friends that there is maybe some value, no matter how small or insignificant I can bring to the world.

It sounds more like shame than guilt to me.
A person feels guilt when they feel they have done something wrong, shame when they feel their whole self is wrong.
Perhaps you've never forgiven yourself for doing something wrong in the past and while your official punishment is over, you have never stopped punishing yourself. I mean, you say you've never looked at another woman or fallen out with anyone and, while that sounds wonderful, it also sounds unrealistic. You are not allowing yourself to be the flawed human being we all are but you are instead trying to be perfect so you can make up for whatever you did in your youth.
You say you see your mum more out of duty than love, sorry to sound like a cliche, but it could be linked back to your childhood.
These feelings might be coming up now as having retired not only have you lost your 'usefulness' to society, as well as your status, but also you now have much more time to think and mull things over.
Have a look at toxic shame symptoms and see if it applies to you.
After that, therapy might help.

Just to be clear, I am not a therapist and might well be talking out of my ar*e. I struggle with toxic shame myself and I recognise a lot of what you say.

I should clarify,

My post ^^ back there was supposed to mean "it's pretty normal" rather than to trivialise your feelings.

It wasn't really a throwaway comment - I believe that " protestant work ethic" poisons a lot of people minds ( not really a religious thing but its a convenient and often used label)

People feel guilty for enjoying themselves and not working because thats how many of us are conditioned and also that been your role - breadwinner etc for years

I only know ton a little so obviously to state that is why he feels like that is wrong but its a possibility to consider

My suspicion would that that its guilt about enjoying being retired – that old protestant work ethic poisoning you

Was my first thought too.

Another, related idea is that we are constantly bombarded with/reminded of folk who are less well off than we are. That might be seeing refugees on telly, or the stream of anti-boomer invenctive thrown around on STW, or countless other things. Or it could be related to climate change, shortage of resources or other thngs apparantly caused by our, and previous, generations. It might be worth thinking about "putting something back" through voluntary work. That doesn't have to be night-shifts down at the local refuge, it might just be some nature conservancy, path repairs or a thousand other things.

You can't change the past and the future has already happened,so you can't change that either.

Re the suggestions to do voluntary work and giving back, I am not saying it's a bad idea, it may well help.
But it sounds to me that the OP has been 'giving' all his life. Trying to be the perfect husband, father, grandfather, son, friend, mtb mate...
Might be time to spend time on you, OP. Just a thought. I don't know you obviously but perhaps worth thinking about.

Issues of low self-worth can be the root cause of guilt and shame. And these are often far from rational feelings.

While it's great to hear other people tell you you're a good bloke, and your rational brain knows this is the case, sometimes a professional is needed to help you work out what's driving these feelings.

I had this, very, very badly for years.

It was resolved with therapy, but not the first time. Took two goes, I just didn't get on with the first therapist.

Luckily, I knew what I was feeling guilty about, which made it easier.

I honestly feel so much better.

First step is to speak to your GP.

Drop us a line if you need owt.