MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
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COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6.
Nobody drinks milk.
You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro
A GREEK CORPORATION
You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk them using borrowed money.
You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle.
You retire to anywhere that doesn’t use the Euro.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
You don't have any cows.
But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour
David Cameron has a billion cows.
You have two cows.
David takes your two cows and gives them to his friend who has only half a billion cows.
British politicsTony Blair: You have two cows. Based on faulty intelligence, you send both of them to fight in Iraq.
Gordon Brown: You had six cows. You examine your five cows and find that your four cows need a bit of a wash. You take these three cows but find that your two cows don't meet the right economic criteria. Your cow finds itself in quite a predicament.
David Cameron: You have two cows. One of them has a blue rosette and thinks it's a bull. The other much smaller cow thinks it's in charge, but really just follows the big one around looking confused.
Winston Churchill (obvious joke): You have two cows. You shall milk them on the beaches, you shall milk them on the landing grounds, you shall milk them in the fields and in the streets, you shall milk them in the hills...
Winston Churchill (dark satire): You starved to death 3 million cows in Bengal in 1943. None of your biographers ever mention this.
Nick Clegg: You have no cows. You get yourself a cow in exchange for all the milk it produces.
Alec Douglas-Home: You have two cows, although almost nobody remembers this. You pronounce the word as "coo".
Sir Oswald Mosley: You have a very small, mentally disturbed cow that loves you intensely.
John Profumo: It just looks bad that both you and the senior Soviet Naval Attache are milking the same heifer.
Margaret Thatcher: You don't need cows. You just take the milk.
Nigel Farage: You have two cows and don't want them to be part of the EU.
Nick Griffin: You have two cows that can trace their ancestry back to cows owned by William the Conqueror. You fail to see the point when people tell you to send your cows back to France.
Pythonism: Your mother was a cow and your father smelt of elderberries.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is exactly the opposite.
Gordon Brown: You have two cows. You announce you're going to sell one of them in advance so that the price of cows drops before you get round to selling it.
On a similar note;
Religion Explained
Taoism: Shit Happens
Hinduism: This shit happened before
Islam: If shit happens, take a Hostage
Buddism: If Shit happens, is it really shit?
7th Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturday
Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder
Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I deserve it
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, knock, “Shit happens”
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Dong
Atheism: No shit
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit
and for the non religous:
Atheism: You hear about two cows, but you haven't been presented with enough evidence of their existence to believe in them.
New Atheism: Your neighbor has two cows. He likes to perform a harmless good luck ritual before milking them and you always yell at him for it because there's no such thing as luck and religion is evil. Your neighbor and everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Fundamentalist atheism: You wouldn't believe in the two cows even if whacked in the face with both cows and a gallon of milk.
Agnosticism: You don't know if there are two cows.
Strong agnosticism: You believe the existence of two cows is unknowable.
Ignosticism: You think people presume too much about what cows do and what milk tastes like.
Discordianism: You have two five sacred chaos. Fnord.
Pastafarianism: You have two meatballs.