[Closed] Jokes that 95% of people won't get

A higgs boson walks into a church.
the vicar says "you're not welcome here!"
To which the higgs boson replies "ah, but without me you can't have mass!"

A higgs boson walks into a church.
the vicar says "you're not welcome here!"
To which the higgs boson replies "ah, but without me you can't have mass!"

I was rubbish at sql dates but I'm all right now

29

I'll get my coat 😛

Ding Dong ding ding ding Dong Dong Dong
Not going to ask who's there as you didn't Knock

i'm so sorry I disappointed you by not having time to read every joke in the thread 😳

George was an entomologist at a state university. He had applied for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.

It wasn't that he couldn't teach - in fact, two years ago he'd been honored by undergraduates naming him as their favorite teacher. No, his problem was research: he hadn't had a successful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.

So one spring day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over to go work in his garden. He had always found this relaxing in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Phthiraptera. That was strange -- Phthiraptera infect mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely.
Small. Wingless. They looked somewhat like a species of Heterodoxus, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of excitement -- and after examining them closely, was able to write the fastest paper of his life, detailing a brand new and unexpected species!

Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received that most coveted prize, tenure. And he received a sizeable grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

*

A recursive function walks into a bar. It sits down and tells the bartender "A recursive function walks into a bar. It sits down and tells the bartender "A recursive function walks into a bar...

*

A Nihilist walks into a bar during closing time. The bartender tells him, "Sorry buddy, we're all out. We've got nothing now." The nihilist replies, "Good, I'll have 3 of those please."

*

A biologist couple had twins. The first one was named Bob. The other was named Control.

*

René Descartes walks into a bar. He's had a tough day, so he orders a double gin and tonic. The bartender brings it and he downs it. "Another!" he shouts. The bartender obliges and Descartes downs it just like the first. "Another!" he shouts. The bartender brings it, he drinks it in one go. Descartes takes a deep breath and stares off into space for a second. "Would you like another one, Mr. Descartes," the bartender asks. Descartes ponders than for a second and says, "No, I think not." *Poof!* Descartes vanishes.

*

A group of logicians walks into a bar. "Do you all want a beer?" asks the barman. The logicians avert a potentially confusing situation by taking the question as it was intended, and each of them in turn says "yes please." The barman, of course, pours them all a beer, and everyone is happy.

*

Your mama's so fat, when she stands in front of the TV I can still see the picture. (I think I understand this one...).

I love my new tandem.
I'm stoked every time I ride it.

Werner Heisenberg is driving home from the lab the next night and he gets pulled over by a policeman, who asks him "Sir, do you realise you were doing 57 mph?". "Oh crap", replies Heisenberg, "how am I supposed to get home now?".

the is no place like 127.0.0.1

Three logicians sitting in a bar. The barman asks “Does everybody want a drink?”

The first replies “I am not sure”.

The second replies “I am not sure”.

The third replies “Yes”.

works better said than written:

Q: Why did the architect have his house made* backwards?

A: So he could watch television at the same time.

*maid

You've got a problem with your peripheral vision

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

liking the UDP one.

still not getting others 🙁

The trouble with using hyperbole is that there's always someone who takes it literally.

Greybeard - Member
I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows
You're just being unkind

Greybeard - Member
I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows
You're just being unkind

Wibble: Your hot water bottle sir?
Sir: "You got me out of my bath for THIS?? I didn't ask for one!"
Wibble: "But Sir, as I was passing the bathroom I quite distinctly heard you shout: "What about a water bottle Wibble?" :

CountZero - Member

Greybeard - Member
I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows
You're just being unkind
😆

CountZero - Member

Greybeard - Member
I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows
You're just being unkind
😆

Doubling up, CZ - Some kind of conspiracy ?

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Are they Elephant paintings MTG?

Don Simon wins! Knew it sounded familiar 🙂

I quite like this one from Sandi Toksvig;

"If a doctor eats an apple every day do they have an existential crisis"

Man 1 : I never used to understand the difference between correlation and causation, so I took a statistics classe. Now I do.
Man 2 : So the class helped then?
Man 1 : Not necessarily

I'm addicted to brake fluid

But its okay I can stop anytime

it's supposed to be jokes that most people won't understand. Not sh1t jokes that most people won't laugh at!

[i]it's supposed to be jokes that most people won't understand. Not sh1t jokes that most people won't laugh at! [/i]

*unsure if this is a joke most people won't understand but afraid to ask in case it is*

Bloke walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a packet of rotary flavour crisps.

Barman says "sorry we've only got, Cheese & onion, Salt & Vinegar or fixed."

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A mate was talking about a project manager he works with who is attractive and single. Thinking I was being clever I said "Do you think I could be her Prince2?"

He replied "Right up until she kisses you and you turn into Frog3.2"

Man 1 : I never used to understand the difference between correlation and causation, so I took a statistics classe. Now I do

XKCD

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The Red Lion

Sorry if you don't get it, it's an Inn joke.

The first rule of Tautology Club is...

The first rule of Tautology Club.