[Closed] Jokes for crackers

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his bad diet he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

hey top ones, 3 down 8 to go.

Cheers

This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

You've nicked that off me. (-:

Why did the Belgian keeping mixing up his indefinite articles?

Because he was an twerp

I can't taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.

Doctor says I have no sense of humous.

have i? if thats true then STW in massive small world shocker. cos it aint off here!

David Beckham was stuck on a jigsaw. The picture on the box was a tiger but he just couldn't make the pieces look right.

Eventually he asked Victoria for help.

She told him to put the Frosties back in the pack.

There’s a convent full of stupid people, except for one, and she’s Nun The Wiser.

Why did the puma get on well with other pumas?
He had a good sense of puma

5 down 6 to go.

11e contribution to cancer charity if 6 more bad ones appear!!!

six more?

hold tight. i could go on all day.

What do you call Noel’s House Party after it’s been run over by a steamroller?
Noel’s flat party

How do you make a questionnaire laugh?
You tick all its boxes

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

What did the man wearing the orthopaedic shoes say?

"I stand corrected."

Racist thread.

When do classical composers buy their Christmas presents?

During late night Chopin...

I went out last night and drank twelve pints of yoghurt.

I was absolutely mullered.

I just bought a boomerang from a ghost.

I bet that will come back to haunt me.

Two muffins in an oven. One turns to the other and says

"God, it's hot in here isn't it?"

The other says

"ARGHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

My mate was a train spotter and he was run over by a steam train.

Chuffed to bits, he was.

My girlfriend just left me because I'm really bad at making puns.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll find someone else.

(Careful not to think too hard about this one..)

Arnold Schwarznegger was asked which famous composer he might like to portray in a film.

He replied "I'll be Bach"

What's got four legs and goes "Boo"?

A cow with a cold.

My boss said, "Why are all the women in your office crying?"

I said, "You told me to bang some heads together."

He said, "Talk about taking things literally!"

So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things literally.

This new Thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.

Well you said bad:-
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff 🙄
What do you call a man in a paper bag? Russell 😆

I told my doctor that I can't pronounce 'f' or 'th'

he replied

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Why does Father Christmas have 3 gardens? So he can HO HO HO

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fungi to be with

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it

cheers all, thats my 11 done easy peasy.

Much appreciated, thanks

bye

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis."

Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up.

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

All thanks to Bad Joke Cat.

Feng Shui - the ancient Chinese art of extracting money from simpletons.

My only two jokes;

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.

Why don't you see many elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.