OP, You're not the first to be in this situation, and won't be the last. I was in a similar position many years ago, but I've got no nuggets of wisdom to offer, and I'm not even going to tell you which way I chose or what the long term outcome was, as there's no right or wrong answer and every situation is different.
What I will say is that you need to realise that at the moment you're being controlled by primeval chemical reactions your conscious brain has very little control over - unfortunately we're still a slave to our biology! However, the good news is that evolution is impatient, and stalling for time is your best defence as time will give you a much better perspective - one way or the other. But you seem to be a pretty sensible chap, and have probably worked that out for yourself already.
My only other suggestion is to get a bottle of your favourite tipple and a take-away curry and sit down [u]alone[/u] and watch Martin Scorsese's "The Age Of Innocence" where Daniel Day Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Wynona Ryder make a much better job of illustrating the excruciating agony of a love triangle than I ever could! It won't give you the answer either, but you will recognise a lot of what you're going through at the moment, and it just might help you to see another perspective on it...
Good luck...
 But I would bet a lot of the "MTFU" or "grow up" advisers on here are the same guys that have to get permission to ride their £3k bikes once in a blue moon, between ferrying the kids around, being generally bitch whipped and eyeing up younger women in the supermarket.
You are way Wrong. There is no way my missus would let me spaff 3k on a bike.
In my mind there is no such thing as an 'incredible' woman. We are complicated and often bound by hormones.
Also I detest the word 'soulmate', imo there is no such thing. Best Friends yes, fantastically in love yes. However love must not get mixed up with lust.
Walk away from this woman. See what happens in the future as to whether she marries her partner or not. Most of all try and sort out your feelings with your wife (under not circumstances tell her about the woman).
Any woman with young children as in a land of just trying to look after the children, house, finances, cooking, cleaning and just normal life. I get the impression you are helping out with all these things but there is the resentment that you are no longer number one. This is normal.
The majority on here have said step away and leave the other woman alone and try to sort things out with the wife. I agree with these statements.
Good luck
Just to counter some of the stories above, my dad had lots of affairs and by the time i was three, my mum had had enough, kicked him out and shacked up with the bachelor in the farm next door, who won my sister and I over with a bag of crisps and a toy horse. Still have a great relationship with both parents, but my dad still feels guilty for not being there as his kids grew up. Not making any points really, just adding my experience...
Strangely I was back driving through the village last weekend and noticed the time, I remembered it as the time he would always walk to the pub for a beer after football - and as I went round the corner there he was! 20 years on doing the same thing, obviously happy with his chosen corner of the world and life he has. I am very happy I didnt spoil their family life.
Such a poignant story...
Sounded like he wanted two women/his cake and eat it whilst palming off the inevitable with lies to me.
Sounded like he wanted two women/his cake and eat it whilst palming off the inevitable with lies to me
Should apply some structure or punctuation to that sentence; unless of course you were the inevitable he palmed off, whilst lying to you about Bunnyhop?
Me? I mean the poster ^ unless I was in a onesided homosexual relationship with a guy that wouldnt leave 😀
palming off the inevitable
No need with two ladies available, shirley?
Some of have been in such a situation.
Too much;
Lying (guilt guilt)
And..
Plenty of wild action
Hora; please proof read your posts; I'm sure they make sense to you, but the rest of us are struggling...
Punctuation would be a start.
You need to have experienced what we have before it makes sense.
Why are some men (and women) wired to have carnal-driven desire?
Edit; Double post
Are you drunk?
Your posts read like a malfunctioning dear deidre random word generator.
I didn't double-post.
Spasmic Gherkin - please excuse me for saying but you sound really messed up
Never forgiving, cutting off family, to my mind it all sounds extraordinary..
i am, it's shit.
anger, alcoholism and a moral code that's guaranteed to find me wanting.
this isn't necessarily a result of the divorce, i was a broken biscuit beforehand too.
(i'm generally quite a funny, easygoing chap though)
to clarify (i took too long typing and missed the edit), the not forgiving thing sounds worse than i meant. the idea that you can dick around a family for a year till you decide what'd make you happiest, then with a "sorry about that", or "but that was years ago" make it all better (a la my dad) riles me. it's not petty stuff, but things with clear ramifications that you [i]choose[/i] to do regardless - you're making your bed, best be ready to lie in it.
I hope the way you deal with it works for you sg and lets tou get on with life.
The way things are dealt with in our childhood can have a massive effect on us. My brother is slightly older than me so remembers more of the horrid details of our parents splitting up he still views the situation with his 4 year old eyes and it is very black and white to him.
I dont remember it so clearly so have learnt to forget about it and generally view it as nothing to do with me, they were my parents arguements and it was their relationship going down the pan. Not mine and I was just a bystander, the reprocussions were truly awful and I didnt get to see what my mother looked like until I was 12
But - I honestly believe neither one of my parents set out to hurt us and try to base my relationships with them now on the here and now not on arguements 4 decades ago.
I wish my brother could do the same and then maybe his family could all live for the moment without having to be so aware that a big chunk of his mind is stuck in 1974. I hope things have moved on for the general population since then as it was still a time when so much was not talked about and had loads of stigma attached to it.
As I have always said to my children - if you have an issue with something that I do or that happens make sure you says so now and save yourself years of expensive therapy as adults 🙂
Are you sure she's that wonderful maybe she's having a two week break
Ha ha brilliant - I wonder if he met her whikst skating or having his back waxed ...
forget about her, your kids are more important.
It's an interesting debate though, forgetting the 'amazing new woman' for a bit..
surely this is one of the oldest questions in the book..?
After a few very bad matches in my younger years that I desperately clung to, consumed with romantic melancholic angst ( possibly a result of being raised in a loveless marriage..?)
After all those utterly miserable defeats, I developed a thick skin and was only too happy to to be completely objective about a relationship and move on quickly at the first sign of doubt.. Why should anyone settle for second best..? we only live once, it's not a rehearsal, strive for happiness etc etc
After your kids arrive though, and the reality of heavy responsibility, sleeplessness, constant compromise, more responsibility, shattered nerves, frayed temperaments, worry, drama, more responsibility etc - the natural response is to think, hey up, this relationship seems to be bringing me a lot of torment.. but we have to be strong now.. we have to do the right thing
human instinct will then dictate fight or flight, should I stay or should I go..?
there's even a song about it I expect.. 🙂
OK. Read the book "I love you but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall before you quit your marriage.
It was a huge eye opener for me. I had been something of a serial monogamist myself in younger years and had often got "itchy feet" and found myself moving on after 2-3 years, because my relationships were no longer new, exciting and interesting. After becoming somewhat sick of this pattern, I decided to investigate what exactly it is that makes long term relationships last (whether married or not).
I have absolutely no doubt that there are some people in genuinely unhappy marriages, and I would never advocate anyone staying in one of those, particularly if the relationship is toxic or abusive, or there are addiction issues, persistent infidelity, things like that. But I do think that along with the "consumer culture" we live in, we have also developed a throwaway attitude to our personal relationships as well - if the relationship no longer excites us and thrills us, then we think that it must be the fault of the other person, or that the relationship must be broken, and the only solution is to either break up and find someone new, or cheat (for those who want to keep their options open).
The problem is, that even when you meet the person who you think is "The One", because everything feels like it's exciting and new and wonderful, fast forward a few years, setting up a home together, maybe even marriage and kids, and you find the same problems start to surface again. Those feelings of "OMG she/he is the one" fade, because you see your partner's imperfections, you go through stressful times, you have sleepless nights because of kids, maybe things dwindle in the bedroom. The reality is, more often than not, very different to the fantasy that we often have that if only we met "The One" then our relationship would always be wonderful and we wouldn't have to ever do anything dull like "work at it" - things would just happen and they would always be peachy.
I'm sure you are also aware OP that if you do take the step of leaving a marriage/relationship where there are children involved, then you can't just cut off from your ex partner, because you still have to co-parent, unless you are very silly and immature like my parents were and decide you no longer want to speak to each other and use the kids as go-betweens (not recommended). You're not just setting up a new relationship, you are setting up a new family, and stepfamily dynamics are never, ever easy. Your new partner may resent involvement you still have with your ex. You may resent her involvement with her ex. The kids may resent the new family setup, particularly if they are aware you left their mum for this new woman. I've been in a relationship with a man with children and even 5 years after the ink dried on the divorce papers, it was still bloody difficult and the relationship was under strain pretty quickly from it all.
FWIW, I would personally be exploring every option to be able to work on the relationship you have in front of you before you decide to walk away, possibly from the frying pan into the fire, particularly when you have children, unless of course, you are in a relationship that is toxic or abusive, which IMO is more damaging for kids, in which case by all means leave, but not straight into the arms of someone else. Regardless whether you've slept together or not, people will assume you have if you take up with someone else pretty quickly, and especially if two families break up as a consequence.
Edit: The same thing nearly happened to me after 3 and a half years with my partner. A guy at work was attracted to me, was going through a tough time, and I was flattered by the attention etc. Nothing happened physically, but we developed a close friendship which could have been construed as perhaps being on the edge of emotional infidelity. He started trying to plant seeds of doubt about my relationship in my head and wanting me to leave my partner, he had the same belief about "when you find the right person life will be peachy all the time". But this time, I didn't bite. I knew that even if I left and took up with him, a few years down the line, I might well be in the same place, and it was time to break the pattern.
I am now putting the effort in again with what I have, to use the old "working at it" chestnut, and I can honestly say that you CAN rebuild a relationship that's just gone a bit off track due to lack of time/attention etc, if both partners are willing to put the time and effort in. Relationships really do not "just happen" and if you take the other person for granted and don't give the relationship the time and energy it deserves, then no matter how great the person was for the first 6 months, it won't last.
sorry Spasmic Gherkin, I didn't see your reply
I guess for me it's hard to understand those very final decisions that folk can make when they have judged a person..
I've done plenty of shitty things in my life that I would have done differently if I could turn back the clock.. I've spent months and years not seeing things from the right perspective and suchlike, and treated people badly as a result of weakness, despair or sheer incompetence, so I always try to reserve judgement..
I truly don't believe that I have the right to condemn another's behaviour (although I'll often give it a bloody good go.. 😳 ) always walk a mile in another man's shoes etc..
I can't bare to see families split up by this sort of thing, my own Dad did much that I could have resented him for, but I never got the chance..
A very dear freind once said to me.......
"Yes the grass may well be greener.....................
But it still needs ****ing Mowing!"
FWIW having been through something similar (But without kids involved) an emotional affair is in many ways a bigger betrayal than a one night stand / FWB / purely sexual type affair.
It is often the catalyst.
It was in my case,
Good Luck OP, and mail in profile if you want to discuss it/get another perspective offline
Loyalty, integrity, commitment.
These are things that hold greater value OP.
Que Sera Sera
