[Closed] Introvert Parents - A little help please

It should get better.

My daughter went through a similar phase at 10 but has (partially) grown out of it.

No help whatsoever but, I really do not like children.

Sounds completely normal, but it should pass. Possibly after the age of 16. 🙂

Since you were getting stropped at anyway, why not just turn down the TV. Or turn it off if that was proving unpopular?

i feel your pain....

we were recently invited round to friends, but rather than having a (not really, but kinda) grown up talk, we had their 8 year old kid shoving a pack of lego monster/robot cards in our faces and him detailing what each moster/robot can do (nothing of which related to what was on the card). once he was bored with Lego cards we had the "pleasure" of watching him do card tricks.... i say tricks, it was more a case of him throwing cards on the floor and picking them up again, asking us to pick a card and a then pulling out random cards with glee and pronouncing them to be "our cards". when i suggested he should practise in quiet, preferably in another room, i was scolded. 😐

why invite us round for a grown up meal when the kid is there/awake and constantly crying for attention?

oh, and then when it is "time for bed" he throws tantrum, running around screaming meaning both parents get up to "calm him down".
i think we spent a total of 30 minutes that evening with all four grown ups sat at the table talking about things other than lego cards/robots, how hard it is to find the time to do anything that they (the parents) want to do, the difficulty of finding a good school, the problems that other parents of the kids friends have.... i really couldn't give a flying orgasm.

you'll get no sympathy from me... your decision to have a baby. i'm not going to bore them with details about how my chain kept skipping the other week or how hard it is to find someone in Munich who services suspension forks....

****ing loud, ignorant little people. i think i'd rather have a dog or fully grown dwarf than a child.

Mrs Lerk has obviously been light on discipline. It's nothing to do with being introverted.

Mrs Lerk has obviously been light on discipline. It's nothing to do with being introverted

This.

gawsh.. I don't know if I could cope with a kid that was trained by someone else.. good luck!

Alpin... your mates' kid sounds pretty annoying and a bit retarded.. blame the parents though, they've done a shit job

I have a kid, you have my sympathy, he is in the man child phase, not long now... he will be 18 in a few years and can **** off to the Marines 😀

I'd love to help you out, but first rule of TASER club and all that.

yunki - Member

Alpin... your mates' kid sounds pretty annoying and a bit retarded.. blame the parents though, they've done a shit job

don't you dare say that, Yunki... who are you to judge? you don't appreciate how hard it is to bring up an only child.... you self-righteous bastid...

oh, 😉

i do find it hard as a non-parent to bite my tongue at times. but why should not being a parent mean that your opion is worthless and should be shouted down (i guess it has to be shouted to heard over the noise that junior is making).

It'll get worse before it gets better.

For those who have read my posts covering junior's antics over the last few years I can announce that an almost forgotten state of calm has returned to the household. He has a girlfriend *skips around the room* and they have the keys to our other abode *does a little dance* and the neither the police nor the concièrge have phoned *punches the air*.

A swift bollocking for the kid in question id say. I wouldn't put up with brattish behaviour from kids. Wrighty, father of two great kids.

Reminds me of this weekend's shenanigans. Nephew hits 13 years. His aunt (my sister) who doesn't earn very much gets said kid a £25 iTunes voucher.

Kid rants on Faecesbook to her that in the future she should buy only him Google Play vouchers and not iTunes. No 'thank you' or tact. His mother (another sister, I have loads) says "He's just young, hopefully he'll get better". All I could think of was 'Spoilt Bastid' from Viz!

cut the plug off the TV

Talk to her, find something you can do together. A hobby or some type of challenge that will keep you both occupied and strengthen your relationship.

Or stick a TV in her bedroom?

My next-door neighbours have a summer house that their teenager uses.

Kids are kids and get treated as kids.
If kids choose to behave like adults then they get treated as adults.
Too many parents accept the childish behaviour, but reason with the said urchin as though they were an adult.
If you don't mix the two (ie treat childish behaviour with distain and clear boundaries, but explain that if they can be more adult then they will get treated as adult) then the kids will understand that how they are treated is in their control.
Father of two here and they both turned out OK.

Only 1?! Imagine having 5 of the ****ers around, each with their own issues.

Joy.

Well you can't help who you fall in love with

As others have said, not introverted, fairly normal, needs a few boundaries reinforcing and possibly struggling to adjust to her mum having a new fella?

Dad of two, eldest is a teenager in July, after a good couple of years practising....

Sounds like you are not communicating well with the child as perhaps you view her as an inconvenience

Bringing up kids - everyone's got an opinion and almost no one has a control sample to see what would have happened if you did things differently.

My two are still young enough that vague statements about "we would never do anything nasty, but unless your behaviour is good nice things are going to stop happening" have a very marked effect.

And an opinion? Well for my money people concentrate to much on stopping bad behaviour, whereas we should be encouraging good behaviour and in so far as possible (and it isn't always) ignoring the bad behaviour. Reward good behaviour with attention, when one child is acting up concentrate on the one that isn't.

And having boys has advantages I think, because skiing, cycling, skateboarding and the like are great ways to establish common ground.

I'll tell you in 30 years if that works. And even then I won't have a control sample.

There is this great TV show called Super Nanny. She seems to know how to sort out bratty kids. I am sure you can get it on Amazon.

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Seriously. They help a lot.

Also see 'My Cat from Hell' for techniques that work equally well on felines and feral children.

"Can you turn the TV down? it's making my headache"

seems to work for mine...They're just people y'know? sometimes kids can be annoying, sometimes they can be fun.

The only advice I can give is : Be consistent, don't promise things you're not going to do, don't punish arbitrarily, or unfairly. Try not to loose your temper, and try not to shout. Set some basic and realistic expectations, and stick to them.

I'd think about getting some family therapy.
I haven't got kids myself and I can only imagine how hard it can be at times but it kind of comes over as if you want her mum but not her. Or not her as much anyway. She'd have picked up on that which means things are only going to get worse.
You say she's lovely most of the time so why not give her credit for that? That could help a lot.
I don't mean to be harsh and of course i may be wrong but perhaps worth thinking about it.
Therapists don't have a magic wand but the right one, and it's crucial to get the right one which is a challenge in its own right, can help.

You say she's lovely most of the time so why not give her credit for that?

this is a very good point. Kids are learning all the time, and mostly they learn by ****ing it up. Heaps of praise when it's due, and a forgiving attitude they they get it wrong.

Your household needs rules and routine. Kids hate the insecurity of not having a routine and since they are accustomed to being told what to do, they usually respect rules as well, unless there's some kind of rebellion or blackmail on the agenda.

Try not to loose your temper, and try not to shout.

I disagree, show how you feel. You are not some soulless punchbag. It was the point I decided to stop being a punchbag that things stopped getting worse.

Be a reflection of the world they are going to live in as adults.

Not too much detail because junior may be reading this, but on the TV/music front I used to turn the power to the whole house off (and go out for a walk rather than argue about it).

The divorce rate among the parents of junior's contemporaries was really high when the kids were 13-17. United you stand, divided you will probably fall. Kids play one adult off against the other, play on affections, break the weakest link. I suspect you need to form a united strategy with your lady before you can do anything about the kid.

I "inherited" two, aged 10 and 8 when I met and married their mother. To be honest, I never found any difference between being a stepfather (although I never use that term anyway) or a biological father (I have an older daughter too).
I got just the same crap any parent gets, so did their mother. As has been said, kids need to know what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't but rules have to be consistent and to be agreed by both parents so one doesn't get played sgainst the other.

All this seems ages ago now, as they're 32 and 34 but I think the most important thing is never to think of yourself as a step parent - if you constantly put yourself in that position then you'll never really 100% deal with things. Ok, it was easier for me, in a way, as my childrens father was dead - actually, he comitted suicide which makes it far worse if you're only eight years old......

So, we all had a lot to deal with, but deal with it we had to because life goes on. I like to think that we all came out of it as well as anyone could. We all love each other dearly and value everything we've given each other, and that includes three grandchildren....

Sorry, this really hasn't answered any questions, has it? I'm good at that, mindless rambling......

It's just a phase, they'll grow out of it in about 18 years.

I'd echo discipline, show her who's in charge, but then I'm not a breeder so I'm no position to advise. Sounds like "getting away with it" has become normal.

When I was a kid, my parents' bedroom was an absolute no-go area; even if the house was empty I'd have been terrified to venture in there. Seeing as you seem to have skipped that rule, I'd be getting a lock for my bedroom door for a start off.

That, or a lock for hers. 😈

The kids need discipline, bit late to start but time to get firm with them.

Then get on the roof and turn the Sky dish/aerial round a bit when nobody's looking. 😈

'Call' customer services and act all incredulous/raging when you relay the news that they are going to take at least a fortnight to repair the fault.

Sometimes though, no matter what you do, kids are just a pain in the arse and have an amazing capacity to wind you up. This should be occassional rather than routine though. (father of 8 +9 yo girls)

show how you feel.

nowt wrong with that, but you're the adult, if you've left it to the point where you're having to shout, it means you didn't do something about it when you could have just spoken to them reasonably.

but on the TV/music front I used to turn the power to the whole house off (and go out for a walk rather than argue about it).

If you can't control yourself to that degree, that makes you just as childish. Because turning the electricity off and leaving, certainly isn't adult behaviour

It's always tempting to leave them in front of whatever device has them transfixed. It does make for a quieter, less stressful life. But IME, only in the short run.

But my advice would be to have set times of the evening/weekend/holidays where all media, including yours, is going to be off, enforce it.

The art of negotiation is letting them know when you're not going to negotiate.

I'd agree with the not shouting thing for the most part. I save the 'nuclear blast' for the very few occasions when I really want their attention to differentiate from the constant low-level nagging...

Sometimes though, no matter what you do, kids are just a pain in the arse and have an amazing capacity to wind you up. This should be occassional rather than routine though. (father of 8 +9 yo girls)

This. Set some rules, make sure they're sensible and easy to understand, and be prepared to let them have their own way on occasion. Kid's tv is full of shouting high pitched voices, so set limits as to when they can watch it and at what volume - but if they've got 10 on their maths test perhaps they can have an extra 15 minutes, etc.

And don't worry, if she's anything like mine in a couple of years she'll disappear into her room and only surface for feeding 🙄

No matter what you say or do they are miniature versions of yourselves

If the kid does something that upsets you have a good look at yourself

One of those things I'm afraid, everyone needs to adapt and find a new balance.

I've got a 10 year old too, a Boy, he simply refuses to exist in an environment of not being entertained - ideally he'd sit in front of the family TV with the PC running Minecraft or Starwars Battlefront from dawn to dusk, uninterrupted by us or his sister, only pausing to stuff food in his mouth without looking or running to the toilet at the last possible moment and peeing on the seat to save valuable seconds of game time and yes despite pin-sharp hearing he needs it turned up to 11, and if you ask for it to be turned down it magically creeps up again. If the PC is not allowed it Kids TV, if that's not allowed it's his toys, everywhere and too loud when his sister is Napping or his a sulk and "I'm bored!!!"

I won't allow it though, he gets to do it during his sisters naps, at the weekend only and I'll always encourage him to play outside with his friends instead - sometimes he does.

A few things I've learned - whilst he's My Son, has my surname and calls me Dad, I didn't meet his Mum until he was 4 (biological father not interested) so I know a little of what OP is going through - only my experience and opinions of course:

Kids love rules, honestly, they may moan, but they crave barriers - listen to a group of kids playing in school or in the street - their games come with a huge amount of complex rules - nothing more unhappy than a kid that doesn't know what they're allowed to do (the other side of rules).

Don't make promises you can't keep and not in a adult way, but a kid way (and frankly to a lessor degree my Wife way). If you tell a 10 year old "We may go to London to the science museum, if the weather is bad, if it is arranged in good time, if we can afford it" they hear "We're going to the Science Museum, the grownups are dealing with the details". The have no experience of real world logistics, they have no idea how train pricing works, or how valuable money is, and don't find city travel stressful or a hassle, it's an adventure - so your argument is moot in their world".

Kids brains work faster than hours, much, much, much faster - time might be set, but perception isn't. It's obvious of course, when you're in your 20's days pass like hours did when you were a teenager, when you're 30's weeks pass like days did 10 years before and when you're in your 40's months... you get the idea - 10 year olds are peak brain speed - asking a 10 year old to sit quietly and stare out the window or whatever for 5 mins is excruciating for them - it's like someone in their 30's like me to wait at the doctors, for an hour, without a smartphone to distract you and without the social skills to be too embarrassed to moan about it - I found the only way to change it is through exorcise, I try to get him doing something most days, normal weekdays are aren't bad, they run around mad as lorries in school, but in the holidays if you let them veg on the sofa they get much much worse, mine goes climbing, riding with me, running etc.

I found the only way to change it is through exorcise

Typo of the day!

Good post though, agree with all of it.

martinhutch - Member

I found the only way to change it is through exorcise

Typo of the day!

Good post though, agree with all of it.

Ha ha, I can't spell for shit, I usually rely on my browser to fix it all, but it's gone all American on me and can't be trusted with U's or Z's so I ignore it.

Learning to be bored/wait is a skill. From it comes creativity and imagination and patience. If you fill a child's day with constant activity, they expect to be entertained all the time, and never have any space in their brain to develop creativity through themselves.

I've seen this in my two. I have a 12 year old and a 10 year old. Limiting screen time is one of the best things I do for them, even if they don't see it that way. I get roughly an hour of moaning and 'I'm bored' after which, by some miracle, they involuntarily realise they can occupy themselves without relying on being passively fed by electric gadgets.

Key to this is expectation. I give them notice, and remind them before the screens go off, so they at least know it's coming.

We also specifically kick them out the door into our cul-de-sac, where they get to interact with the neighbours, all of whom are pleased to see kids playing in the street.

A work colleague inherited a teenage stepdaughter, and became fed up with the constant bedroom door slamming. He solved the issue by removing the door from its hinges...

Learning to be bored/wait is a skill. From it comes creativity and imagination and patience. If you fill a child's day with constant activity, they expect to be entertained all the time, and never have any space in their brain to develop creativity through themselves.

Definately true.

Constantly running after them entertaining is a real chore and doesn't do the kids any good either.
First few days of the easter hols my wife was working and I had a shed to build. The kids get telly if they want until 10am or so and then it's outside.
I left an old pallet on the deck and gave them some saws and a hammer and nails then left them to it. They engaged (doesn't always happen) and believe it or not this kept them engrossed for two full days. They made letters and things then painted them.
I am lucky though to live on a culdesac with loads of nice kids to entertain each other.
Only two are mine!
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That's so funny, nickc! 😀 Just out of curiosity how old are you kids? And how did you deal with the following phases that I've either experience or talked to fellow parents about?

Ignoring a polite request and doing the opposite.
Black is white.
NO. **** off.
I will sabotage your lives
I will sabotage your couple
I will sabotage my school results
I will be foul with you even if it sabotages my own life
I will self destruct
I'm going to kill myself (one of juniors mates did)
Dope is harmless (more than one now has issues and the above mentioned is dead)
Anarchy rules!
I will will drink till I drop
I will lie about everything (or be honest about everything in an attempt to shock you or perhaps even as a cry for help)
I'll try whatever's being sold
Your threats are idle (except that I did confront your druggy mates/dealers and turn one of your guitars to firewood)
I feel miserable and I'm going to make everyone around me miserable and then I can be even more miserable

Just now and then you meet a parent that claims never to have had a moments trouble. Some people are tyrants or born liars.

There's only one thing I haven't done, hit him. I reckon he'll forgive me the rest, and even if he doesn't I have the satisfaction of knowing it got him where he is now. And it ain't over yet, kids are for life. One guy told me his son's divorce was one of his hardest parenting tasks, and I know another mate's daughter dying of cancer whilst in the throes of his own divorce was harrowing.

Who'd have 'em eh? Me, they're worth it. He's great!

They're all different, they live in their world which very quickly is not yours. You need to adapt the means used to the child. Be positive about all the positive stuff they do and negative about the negative - really properly negative if necessary. A quiet, calm reasoned argument isn't the answer to every situation.

"We may go to London to the science museum, if the weather is bad, if it is arranged in good time, if we can afford it" they hear "We're going to the Science Museum, the grownups are dealing with the details"

Truth, for sure.

Which reminds me of:

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Sounds like heaven to me, i have just spent the day clearing up my 83 year old fathers shit (literally) and pulling up said carpets whilst trying to get my 17 year old to actually do some work towards her A levels whilst sorting student finance for her and her sister while my 23 year son wants me to go and look at property he is interested in buying and how long will it take me to fit a new kitchen and bathroom (also can i have a £25k deposit cheque please) and the wife hates my guts.. because? she hates my guts and in the mean time i try and run my business and stop myself drinking my way to an early grave due to High Blood Pressure Angina Heart disease -

Solution to your problem - get called in to work? ride your bike go to the pub or just ignore the little git....

Jeez. As a dad to a pair of (so far rather stress free, apparently) four and five year old boys, this thread is both terrifying and enlightening. Mostly terrifying though 😯

son is 18, daughter is 15. I've not spoken to either of them about any of your list, sorry. I lost it with my lad when he was 10 because he was being a bit of tit about the fact that we'd just got his sister a hamster for her birthday, and he wanted one, and was stropping.

we had a "conversation" about porn sites when he was about 14, he's probably still looking at them, but at least he's discreet. at 18, he can watch what wants after all.

I've never raised my voice to my daughter.

er, that's it.

Am I correct in thinking you live closer to the top of a mountain than the center of Brixton, Nick?

Porn was too minor a subject to go on the list, not even discouraged, though I sometimes tease him about the day he rang me for my credit card number when he downloaded the "gendarmerie nationale" virus.

no, we're a broken family and they live in the centre of Newcastle.

We clearly have different styles in parenting, shall we leave it there?

nickc well f*****g delivered.... Brixton couldn't stop laughing need to drag there arse to Heaton

-

Wow, I didn't expect such a large and varied response!

For clarity, it's me that's the introvert... Although her mum is too and she also shows strong tendencies!
We also don't yet live together.

As I mentioned usually she is pretty good and our relationship has grown from 'I don't care who you are, I don't want my mum to have a boyfriend' through the biological father fuelled 'you're not my dad, I don't need to do anything you say' to cuddles on the sofa discussing the days activities.

Her mum and dad split quite acrimoniously six years ago, and MrsLerk has more or less been responsible for her care as a lone parent - she will gladly admit that she has at times given in to behaviour for an easy life and also cut a lot of slack due to the emotional trauma of the split.
We have been aware of certain comments/ideas which have been planted by him during time spent at his house and she is suffering from a bit of internal turmoil, not wanting to upset him.
I have spoken to her to confirm that I won't replace him and point out how much happier her mum is now.

I have been encouraging her to use her bike more (bought her a new one of better quality for her birthday last year) but it has taken a long time to get her comfortable with the idea of doing something without her mum, who is unwilling/able to ride one.

Sounds like I'll have a few years of bike rides and tinkering in the workshop to come!

Time is a wonderful thing when it comes to relationships as she grows older she will realise you are not an alien provided you are straightforward and trustworthy. Not deep meaningful advice just based upon 53 years of life.

Apologies to Edukator but it always makes me laugh when South London is raised as some sort of Ghetto (I know South London very well even as a northerner) and it simply can not be compared to the "crappy" parts of the North of England. Not an opinion an observation.

Jeez. As a dad to a pair of (so far rather stress free, apparently) four and five year old boys, this thread is both terrifying and enlightening. Mostly terrifying though

Might be early days, and there's still time for it to go horribly wrong, but my 16 and 12 year old daughters are fine. Study, do their homework, the occasional strop but nothing too serious. Most of their friends seem fine, too. At least one or two in my eldest daughter's class smoke, some of them drink (or at least have got drunk), but again nothing I wouldn't expect, and nothing I didn't do when I was their age.

Edukator's son is an outlier, not the norm - no consolation for him, and he has my sympathies - but I wouldn't worry [i]that[/i] much. Just a bit 🙂

I just picked places poles apart, Oldman. I should have quoted Beaumont Lees in Leicester as it's the most depressing place in the UK I have spent any time in.

Kids are a function of their total environment of which parenting is a part but not the only part. Their peer group has increasing influence as they grow up and when the peer group is dodgy you just hope that the values you've transmitted hold up to the assault.

I'm not going to link the threads because it's better to let them fade but there are some examples of this forum where good parents doing their best (with other good kids to prove it) have had one go off the rails.

One for Lerk with a smiley, 8)

Edit: junior is great, he just lives things very intensly, is fiercly independent (in thought and action) and lives life a 200km/h with half a dozen balls in the air at the same time. 18 now and things are looking good, but the last 4 years have been very rock and roll (perhaps because he plays in three bands).

Edukator i agree environment is a big part of the challenge including peer groups, not saying any of this is easy

If all else fails...

There's the '**** it' option - some of my Son's mates are very "lucky" if you listen to my Son - they get given nice TV's and consoles, mobile phones or whatever else and are allowed, nay encouraged to hang out in their bedrooms, they can watch thier nonsense all day long if they like as long as you can't hear it downstairs, eat in their rooms and go to sleep when they like. It's piss easy parenting, but if I was being mercenary I'd think it really just sets you up for a hellish time in their teens and frankly it's the lazy option, but if all else fails.

PJ - those are battery children. From my perspective, I'd hesitate to call that approach actual parenting. Those kids are going to have a real tough time learning about life as adults.

v8ninety - Member
Jeez. As a dad to a pair of (so far rather stress free, apparently) four and five year old boys, this thread is both terrifying and enlightening. Mostly terrifying though

True - we only have one (19 months). Looks like the future is going to be interesting!