[Closed] If your bird was having a fling.......

Drop her, move on with your life, don't look back.

So can you have a standard to judge others but not act on it ?

Least worst choice

Trimix - Member
Its interesting that people can pass judgement on a cheat and most have decided its wrong, but most think its OK to keep quite when you know someone is cheating.

So can you have a standard to judge others but not act on it ?

Exactly this. Telling the wife is the honest thing to do. Whether it breaks their marriage up or not is upto them. Depends how much they love each other I guess (sounds like not alot). All you're doing is prolonging the inevitable.

Why make someone else unhappy?

Walk away.

She already is unhappy and who wants to live a lie?

Note on the windscreen perhaps?

Having been there I'd say have zero contact with the ex at all, ever, not even a text. What is the point? What possible good can it do you except drag the pain on for longer.

I'd have beat the s"it out of the husband. Let him explain that to his wife. However, you texted him when you found out so I suggest that makes us different people. I'm sure that his wife already knows or suspects, but isn't ready to confront him. Leave her be and save yourself any hassle.

Do whatever makes you feel better though. I pawned the rings and spent our joint account on booze and hookers. Was great, in a self-destruct kind of way.

Least worst choice

This.

By a massive margin.

Seems like they've got no respect for each other. They're not going to respect you for letting them know that.

theres a good chance the wife knows about it already and has decided, for whatever reason, to.live with it.

Friends of ours had a daughter who was having an affair with a married man who was also her boss. Drove her dad nuts. Dad exposed the man to the wife but to no avail.

The wife called out her husband, he cried and said it would stop. It didn't stop. He blamed the daughter saying she wouldn't leave him alone (which may actually have been true too). A month later repeat the whole process and again, and again. Eventually the daughter moved away and as far as I know the man and wife are still man and wife.

Arrange a surprise dinner for the two of them at a restaurant.

Turn up, tell her what is happening while he is sat there.

Make sure you record it all and post it on youtube.

Become famous and loaded.

Simple, you do the bloke a favour by keeping quiet, he agrees to return that favour by buying you a shiny new bike. Everyone's happy 😉

agent007 wins!

If you do more it will be because you want revenge, not because it's the right thing. If you think his wife knows then she probably does and is either ignoring it or dealing with it in her own way - you bringing it into the open isn't going to help her.

This times a million. You have no clue what's going on in their marriage or in their heads. I am shocked by the number of people here pretending to play God and do the "right" thing. How the f do you know what the right thing for someone else's life is? Keep your nose out and your morality to yourself.

BoardinBob seems to have a unique perspective on this that has been generally ignored.

If you were the party in the dark, would you want to know?

Or would you prefer to stumble along thinking everything is just peachy?

Is he called Bob and are the women called Rita and Sue?

Not as simple as that.

Perhaps the woman in question does know, but doesn't say anything because she's in a controlling relationship she can't get out of. When the truth comes out she'll get blamed, a month mental abuse and black eyes, and then business as usual.

Very negative scenario, but you just don't know, stay away.

her fella has spent the last 2 years riding (bikes) 3 times a week with her and I think its a case of keeping your friends close and enemies closer.

OP - You are Norman Clegg and I claim my Five pounds..... 😉

The girlfriend and the married man.....

[img] [/img]

the wife ( I think she suspects something)......
[img] [/img]

Perhaps the woman in question does know, but doesn't say anything because she's in a controlling relationship she can't get out of.

Or maybe she knows and says nothing knowing he'll be back. Maybe it's how they run their lives. Or a million other things.

Before you grass him up, walk a mile in his shoes.
Then, if it gets nasty, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

I think that you should mind your own business. What right do you have to drop such a bombshell on others?

Live your life by you own moral code and leave others to do as theu think fit.

I doubt that anyone involved will thank you for sticking you nose in and you'll just look like a spiteful knob head.

As Thumper's mum said, "If you can't say anything nice..........

I'd have beat the s"it out of the husband.

Not seeing as it's the husband's fault TBH. It's your girlfriend's responsibility to be faithful to you, not his.

Not seeing as it's the husband's fault TBH. It's your girlfriend's responsibility to be faithful to you, not his.

Hes married with kids, of course it's his fault ! obviously it's the cheating g/f's fault too... but he's certainly a major party of blame.

^^that

OP - you said they had kids. It is seriously bad karma to break up the marriage even if the guy is an idiot. The mess it might create, the turmoil for the kids, the anger. Kids are like drying cement... whatever drops on them leaves an impression.

Let the parents get on with it and let them be responsible for the dent in their kids, not you.

Leave well alone it's not your place and if you think by playing the "hero" you’re going to get no backlash then you’re a fool!
A Woman scorned and a pissed off husband!

How do you know the wife doesn't know already and is just bidding her time, gathering evidence to use for a divorce, then you've got an angry wife on your case as well.

Leave well alone

I'd also say people really shouldn't judge either the husband or the wife, who honestly knows what goes on inside their four walls? They do. Maybe she is actually a psycho bitch from hell to live with and actually the only way to stay with his kids is to get some 'love' elsewhere. Books and covers, don't judge. another reason to leave well alone. walk away Rene.

[i]What right do you have to drop such a bombshell on others?[/i]

Well depends really, are you a deontologicist or a Utilitarian?

Kant will tell you that telling the truth is a moral imperative regardless of the outcome, indeed, if you don't tell the wife and something bad happens subsequently because of her ignorance, morally some of the blame for that is yours...On the other hand the Utilitarian will say that your action should serve the greatest good, and sometimes if that is telling a lie, then so be it. The obvious problem for the Utilitarian is of course, who will be the arbiter for the "greater good" and how will you decide which is better...

If you were the party in the dark, would you want to know?

Just because it's a stranger doesn't mean they shouldn't get to know some important info. Not that I'm 100% sure what I'd do in that situation.

But yeah intentions matter, if you're only doing it to be vindictive probably don't bother.

Messenger getting shot scenario is a consideration too.

Maybe she is actually a psycho bitch from hell to live with and actually the only way to stay with his kids is to get some 'love' elsewhere.

Kant will tell you that telling the truth is a moral imperative regardless of the outcome, indeed, if you don't tell the wife and something bad happens subsequently because of her ignorance, morally some of the blame for that is yours...

Love it when a thread titled : "If you bird was having a fling..." ends up with a discourse on Kantianism.

What does Kant say about the personal responsibility for telling the truth if the wife then blows the husband's face off with a shotgun?

Hes married with kids, of course it's his fault ! obviously it's the cheating g/f's fault too... but he's certainly a major party of blame.

It's his fault for potentially breaking up his [i]own [/i]marriage, sure. But for all we know though, the OP's g/f could've lied about her existing relationship; could've told him they have an open relationship, for instance, or that they were in the process of breaking up.

In a relationship it's the duty of both parties not to stray (unless it's an agreed non-monogamous relationship). What the rest of the world does is irrelevant, if she cheats it's her fault, end of.

^^ Philosophy aside, I'm with the chorus:

Run, shtum, and don't look back. All the best with your newly acquired freedom from BS. Enjoy it 🙂

Whilst I can the OP's moral dilema, unless they are prepared to get a load of crap from the husband and /or wife and accept that a family could be split up as a result of his informing.
However he has no moral responsibility to total strangers IMO.

It is ridiculous and a reflection of the human condition that when we are wronged by others, we also feel guilt in imparting truth to those who have wronged us.

Sometimes I wish we could just be more dog.

What does Kant say about the personal responsibility for telling the truth if the wife then blows the husband's face off with a shotgun?

Read Kant's Axe. He argues your concious is clear. Telling the truth is the moral imperative [i]regardless[/i] of the outcome, so if you tell the wife and she decides to something bad, then you're in the clear.

As above

1) no more contact with the GF - she isn't going to change. Cut her off completely.

2) It isn't your business to throw a grenade into a marriage which at some level works. If the wife was thinking about having kids, or was about to buy a house or business with the husband, [i]then [/i]may be you would be doing her a favour. Lots/most marriages have infidelity in them, you get to hear about the ones that break up, not the ones who keep going. Sometimes infidelity being public knowledge in a wider circle, rather than private, forces a split.

Read Kant's Axe. He argues your concious is clear. Telling the truth is the moral imperative regardless of the outcome, so if you tell the wife and she decides to something bad, then you're in the clear.

It's an interesting position to take, and somewhat conditional on where you slot into the sociopathy scale.

My understanding is that Kant died shortly after his wife asked for some advice on flattering evening wear. 🙂

😆

aye, life must be pretty straightforward if you can live it subscribing to Kant's view...

not sure how long you'd last though

Putting yourself in her shoes, and saying that you'd want to know, is neat but flawed abstract.

You are not her. You don't know who she is, what's going in her life, what she sees as right and wrong.

You wanting to know says nothing about whether the wife does or should want to.

The question is, shall I blow him in to his missus?

Have you considered the fact that you've probably basically blew him off anyway, you may as well blow him off [s]in front of[/s] to his Mrs too...

😆

Can you handle the situation if it gets nasty and I don't mean the odd phone call. You only have to look in the media to see what some men (and women)are capable of when things go drastically wrong. Although the affair is his fault, you as a stranger could be the catalyst for him to lose everything. Ask yourself honestly is it worth it?

Personally, I think you are only doing it to get one up even if you think its the right thing to do. His marriage and wife are none of your business no matter how much you think it is.

Walk away, don't look back and use it as experience.

Late to the thread as usual but on reading the OP my first thought is: "You're the one having the pee taken, matey!" She's hedging her bets and looking for the best offer so boot her into touch and get on with your life, certainly don't get involved and definitely put a block on her phone number.

You are not her. You don't know who she is, what's going in her life, what she sees as right and wrong.

Precisely the reason that the OP should tell her. Let her know all the facts and then she can make up her own mind whether she wants to try and repair the relationship with her husband or call time on their marriage.

Aah, the facts. Do you always tell everyone the facts. That woman on the train who looks fat? That guy that comes on club rides that you don't like that much? And what exactly are the "facts" here?

tell the wife in the nicest way possible - a handwritten note on some nice scented paper perhaps, then tell the ex you've caught the bad cat aids, probably from some scrubber you boffed up the wrong 'un while seeing her & THEN ignore all future contact 💡

Then post a link to both their facebook pages on here so we can all enjoy the fallout.

Yes i'm a terrible person.

Happy to help!

Precisely the reason that the OP should tell her. Let her know all the facts and then she can make up her own mind whether she wants to try and repair the relationship with her husband or call time on their marriage.

How do you know whether: she isn't also cheating on him, they have an open marriage, she knows but has decided to put up with it for the sake of their kids, she is emotionally abusive to him, she won't think you're lying and side with him against you, yada yada yada?

I can understand the impulse to tell but it's pretty unlikely to have anything but negative consequences for you

The plan of threatening to tell is quite tempting though. 🙂

Or she suspects but prefers to ignore the possibility and that helps her get through her life better. Until some twonk jumps in with his "moral" desire to tell the truth at all times.

Aah, the facts. Do you always tell everyone the facts. That woman on the train who looks fat? That guy that comes on club rides that you don't like that much? And what exactly are the "facts" here?

The facts would be that her husband has been sleeping with another woman. Nothing more than that.

I think it's impossible to truly consider something as serious as this from someone else's position but the closest I could manage would be to think whether i would want to know if I were in the wife's situation, and as difficult as it would be to hear I definitely would want to know. From reading this thread it seems like most people would rather not.

I've been idly speculating about the correlation between the "keep schtum" posters on this thread and the naysayers when "should I tell the police about this" (usually car related) threads.

Or she suspects but prefers to ignore the possibility and that helps her get through her life better.

Until some twonk jumps in with his "moral" desire to tell the truth at all times.

It's a tricky subject, especially considering the OPs position in it all. Would advice be different if OP hadn't been wronged and this was just an affair he learned of?

The facts would be that her husband has been sleeping with another woman. Nothing more than that.

Really? You describe an entire human interaction in one small cliche?

I suspect that this is not healthy long term

Maybe. Maybe not. Is it up to you (or the OP) to take that decision?

[quote=DrJ opined]Aah, the facts. Do you always tell everyone the facts. That woman on the train who looks fat? That guy that comes on club rides that you don't like that much? And what exactly are the "facts" here?

DO you compulsively lie all the time and never ever tell the truth etc

There is clearly the need for tact in life [ though not stw /the internet] but that is not really what we are discussing here is it

[quote=DrJ opined]Or she suspects but prefers to ignore the possibility and that helps her get through her life better. Until some twonk jumps in with his "moral" desire to tell the truth at all times.

Your argument is that folk whose spouses are having affairs never ever want to know. It is somewhat flawed what with that vow they took to forsake all others. If she knows and dont care being told what she already knows wont change anything will it.

Its a tough call tbh as we can all see both sides

That said if it was me and I married a cheating spouse i would prefer to be told

Your argument is that folk whose spouses are having affairs never ever want to know.

No it isn't. My argument is that they may not want to know, and even if they do they may in fact be better off knowing. And that it is not for a complete stranger to decide for them.

Maybe. Maybe not. Is it up to you (or the OP) to take that decision?

My argument is that they may not want to know,

The elephant in the room of course is, you're not a reliable witness. You tell the wife, he denies it and it's his word against yours. Who's she going to believe, her husband or some random stranger on the Internet who's had an argument with his girlfriend and is looking for a scapegoat?

Different story if you're bestie buddies, but you stand every chance of coming away from that looking like the bad guy who's just trying to make trouble. This is the crux I think; you'd probably want to help a friend, but a complete stranger's marriage is not your concern. You can't assume you'll get a rational reaction, that she's definitely going to go "thanks for telling me," it could very well blow up in your face.

Wash your hands of all three of them, nothing good will come of this.

Run away and have some Chamomile tea.

I believe he said he has fairly conclusive evidence (emails or whatever). Of course it could be claimed it was fabricated....

You can't assume you'll get a rational reaction, that she's definitely going to go "thanks for telling me," it could very well blow up in your face.

Or..... 😀

Years ago, I discovered that a long-term girlfriend had had a series of "concurrent" relationships, found out quite by chance when I discovered the evidence. Included in this were 2 tele numbers.

I dithered for a couple of days, then phoned the first number. This turned out to be a bloke who'd dumped her a year or so before, while I was still with her. He was gutted, utterly gutted, even though it had been a while. He even rang later that evening for a further (drunken) chat with me. Seemed like a nice bloke.

I almost rang the second number many times over the next few days....but didn't. I was a bit chastened by the first call, and had the realisation that I really didn't know the mental state of the chap I was about to call.

Would he jump from a bridge? Would he murder her in a rage? Maybe fanciful, but I've heard of things like this happening, as we all have, so elected not to.

I got shot of her quickly, after a confrontation where she denied everything (of course). I have a feeling she may have married suitor number 2, but don't know for sure.

Anyway, my advice is to say nothing.

Really? You describe an entire human interaction in one small cliche?

I could speculate on the emotions behind his actions but that would only ever be my interpretation and is unlikely to be anything approaching accurate. I imagine that the wife would ask her husband what his motivations were assuming that she wants to confront him, but that would be her decision.

Or..... 😀

That's a point. Has nobody asked whether the wife's a looker. 😉

Has nobody asked whether the wife's a looker.

You can't assume you'll get a rational reaction, that she's definitely going to go "thanks for telling me,"

DO you compulsively lie all the time and never ever tell the truth etc

There is clearly the need for tact in life [ though not stw /the internet] but that is not really what we are discussing here is it

It is a fair point though that we all 'lie by omission' all the time. Obviously it's usually about much less important things but it's not black and white.

The facts would be that her husband has been sleeping with another woman. Nothing more than that.

Seb Coe levels of naivety!

Plot twist - the wife was in on the action too? 😉

Another voice who says the married man's situation is none of your business, no contacting his wife. Deal with your own situation and move on. Good luck.

Has anyone mentioned any of the following as yet?
Bombers
Back doors
Flash grenades
Slat/hoof interface
Child's face
Baby robin

If not, I may compose a more meaningful response.

😆

Different story if you're bestie buddies,

not necessarily 🙁 still not on great terms after telling my then best mate that his then fiancee had propositioned me...

in my experience best to leave it to the couple concerned & with a reference to the gf, block, blank, delete & move on

not necessarily still not on great terms after telling my then best mate that his then fiancee had propositioned me...

Yeah I'm not sure there are often any winners in this kind of scenario sadly.

That Kant sounds like a right ****. 🙂

Telling the truth when asked is one thing, telling tales just cos you've had your nose put out is another thing.

Are we supposed to go round informing on every little (or large) indiscretion we see?

Should I report ever phone using driver I see, Report everyone speeding (better dob myself in cos I break the speed limit every time I ride a motorbike or drive my car.

RLJs look out .....

.

Are we supposed to go round informing on every little (or large) indiscretion we see?

Where's the line drawn though? You may not report a RLJer but would you report them if they knocked a little old lady over?

Has anyone picked up on the fact there are children involved?

Tell the wife, and definite fallout for the kids.

Don't tell and there's a small chance he'll have his fling, patch things up and they'll not get the devastation. Threatening to tell, to encourage this may even help. Dobbing him in definitely won't.

It's not a clear-cut moral duty to get involved. I'd suggest ditching the "bird" and leaving them to sort their own mess out.

OP - the way i see it is you have a few options:
option 1 - you can be very direct and got the the blokes wife and say "your husbands shagging my bird, and i have proof, and you might want to get yourself checked out, then cut his nuts off"
option 2 - you can do the above anonymously and not state she is your bird
option 3 - get yourself on the Jeremy Kyle show
option 4 - you can confront the bloke and tell him you want a new bike in return for your silence
option 5 - walk away with your head held high and chalk it down to experience
option 6 - shag his wife
option 7 - hoofing slats, weeing in shoes and shitting on faces...him, her or both

your choice of action all depends on your moral compass and your need for vengeance...

Don't tell the husbands wife just post on Facebook that your ex has been having an affair with a married man from a couple a you. It will soon spread like wild fire as all your female friends start water boarding their husbands to see if it is them.

Deontology (Kantian Logic) focuses on the rightness or wrongness of the actions themselves, rather than the consequences that arises from those actions. for the ethics around consequences, unsurprisingly you need to be reading about...(big reveal)

Consequentialism. which can be sort of summed up most commonly by "The ends justify the means" and we're back, via Mozi and Demosthenes, to John Stuart Milnes and Jeremy Bentham and the Utilitarian movement

Love a good Ethical dilemma

Brilliant. Only on STW....

Gonzy has it in the following order:
Option 4,6,2,3,1,7,5.
Sort of.
RM.

I say tell her, as mentioned before she might be a looker and up for some revenge action!!! 🙂

No it isn't. My argument is that they may not want to know, and even if they do they may in fact be better off knowing. And that it is not for a complete stranger to decide for them.

The other person deciding horse as well and truly bolted when her husband was found out having an affair with someone else "bird". TBH, harsh though it is, I think we all know that our partner having an affair would alter the relationship. IME i have yet to meet a person who would prefer to live in ignorance of this fact though I am sure there are some. I dont think the wedding vows are likely to change form forsaking all others to not telling me about all the others

not necessarily still not on great terms after telling my then best mate that his then fiancee had propositioned me...

It is a fair point though that we all 'lie by omission' all the time. Obviously it's usually about much less important things but it's not black and white.

Don't tell and there's a small chance he'll have his fling, patch things up and they'll not get the devastation. Threatening to tell, to encourage this may even help. Dobbing him in definitely won't.

Gonzy has it in the following order:
Option 4,6,2,3,1,7,5.

thanks for fixing it for me RM....
thats option 8 (do all of the above in your suggested order) 😆

Call your ex out on FB, stating shes a bitch for having an affair with a married man. The wife will see it if they're FB friends and put 2 & 2 together, probably.

Don't need to mention any names or actually tell the wife directly, let nature take it course.