Nothing to add but e-hugs.
Sorry for your loss mate, I'd say batfinks advice mirrors my own experience (albeit I never did the speech, just carried the coffin). I don't regret not taking a bigger role as I could barely talk about the hard facts never mind give a eulogy. It's taken 2 years to get over it, I only just started counselling back in May or so that finally let me clear my head of the clutter in there.
Shit Cougar, I feel so sorry for you. Geeky IT type hugs.
Thank you all.
Both of my parents are at End Of Life stages and them going really scares me
(And similar)
Something which has been rolling around in what passes for my brain in the last couple of weeks is, we're sort of primed for our own mortality but don't really talk about everyone else's. It's a curse of getting older, you get to watch your heroes die. Rock stars, actors, grandparents, parents, and if you're really lucky, all your friends too.
Sending you hugs Cougar.
It’s perfectly natural to be all over the place and no one can tell you how you will or should react. Grieving is a very personal thing. In these first stages you will have so much running through your head, hopefully it will settle through time.
Sorry for your loss
Sorry to hear this Cougar, I lost both mine a couple of years ago within a few months of each other and it's shit!
Be kind to yourself.
So sorry for your loss Cougar.
Sorry for you're loss Cougar, hope you work through it ok
That is sad news.
My dad passed away a few years back. I miss him.
A friend who had lost her mother when she was young reminded me that I can call my dad on my pretend hand-phone for a chat.
We speak all the time.
My Mum asked a while ago, quite innocently, related to the regularity of going to friends funerals "When does it all end", my response was my typical "Well ..... with yours?"
Luckily she saw the funny side of it.
I've not lived close to my Mum for 20 years now (doesn't feel that long but actually it really is). Soon I'll be spending a few days with her for the first time in lots of years for reasons (not really good ones to be honest). She has a partner she's been with a long time who is in the early stages of his brain failing him, so she has a lot to do looking after him, they also live in Poole which is a long trip from Cambridgeshire and always a pain at this time of year. I could/should have spent more time with her over the last few years, I'm sure I'll come to regret that at some-point in the next few years.
Also, as an only child, once she's gone it'll feel very odd, aside from my wife I have no other close relatives really and no kids of my own.
Oh Cougar, deepest condolences. I'm still aching when I remember my mum.
Ach, Cougar, loads of love from all of the Nanny clan. It's hard to deal with, no easy way, but you'll get there.
Remember:
Everyones grief is their own. There is no right or wrong way to react.
The effects on your brain can be quite noticeable. Its taken me 2 years to get back to feeling like I can function properly again. full blown brain fog for months
There is one person who matters now. You. do what you need to and look after yourself
At least there is no pain now. Thing about chronic illness is you see a loved one in pain and that is the hardest part to bear.
Mum's currently in hospital, and yesterday had an operation for bladder cancer, which was diagnosed on monday from a scan. Which is not bad going to have them find it and 3 days later seek to remove the prob.
Although this is just the latest thing and she's been pretty much bed bound for the last 2 years with a range of conditions like insomnia, nausea,spinal issues leading to a lot of pain walking or standing, which isnt good when you need to jump up to the toilet 20 times a day.
Sis and me have been taking turns to visit, although my sister is on pretty much 24/7, though she has here own family to cook and clean for. Im just really there to entertain the cat, which I do twice a day and have done for the past fortnight for this latest bout.
So although we want them to get better, as it is mum after all and the rock you have in your mind, who was always there growing up, it is sometimes better though you would never want it, that they are no longer in pain or turmoil.
So you have my condolences.
As to being even more grumpy than usual. I can say its unlikely anyone noticed 😆
Sorry to hear this Cougar.
We are currently going through similar with the FIL. Me died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. The wife has good days and bad days. On the good days she feels guilty that she doesn't feel sad all the time. There seems to be a lot to do and we are slowly working our way through it. At the moment the focus is on the funeral but as her father was a devout catholic the full ceremony doesn't mean much to her. We plan on having a family day in the peaks the day after to remember him and say goodbye
I'm so sorry Cougar. I lost my mum during the pandemic, I can only imagine how you must feel right now.
Everyones grief is their own. There is no right or wrong way to react.
100% this.
Sorry to hear that.
I lost my mum a few years ago, and like you it was a long time coming
I thought I was ready and could carry on, but I found myself in work a few days later picking fights with anything and anyone I could find ( in not a argumentative person).
So the only piece of advice I can offer is to make some space where you can fall apart, blub and cry and then you can start to deal with the grief.
I'm sorry. Even when you're waiting for it to happen it throws you sideways. Best wishes and better days ahead, maybe gradually, but they come again after a while. Hugs.
Sad as it is she's gone, 🙁 so think of the living. I wouldn't worry about what kind of event she would have wanted, I'd think about the kind of event thought appropriate by those in mourning, mainly yourself. Hopefully they'll be thinking of the living too.
At some point you'll go through the photos, choose a good day for that. Nothing like a funeral to remind you to live for the moment- carpe diem!
I'm really sorry to hear that Cougar, be kind to yourself.
So the only piece of advice I can offer is to make some space where you can fall apart, blub and cry and then you can start to deal with the grief.
Already found that, seems it was the living room floor yesterday afternoon when my legs went from under me.
Sorry for your loss Cougar. Condolences to you and yours.
Similarly my mum passed after a long drawn out illness (MS) I viewed it as having been a release for her. Funerals are catharsis. Take care old chap.
As for what happened,
She had a stroke, what, 20 years ago? Maybe longer now. Whilst she was in hospital with that they diagnosed imminent double kidney failure, so in a perverse way the stroke probably saved her life.
She's made almost a full recovery from the stroke and has been managing both conditions ever since. She was on the cusp of needing dialysis but kept refusing. She was fully self-sufficient to a point of stubbornness, like refusing to let me drive her places because she wanted to do it under her own steam (bus/taxi, she didn't drive). She probably saw it as giving in.
Then maybe three or four months ago - you'll forgive me if I've lost track of timescales exactly - she was hit with something which left her gasping for breath and unable to swallow properly. She asked me to call an ambulance which is wildly out of character, my mum's old dairy farm stock and very much of the "don't make a fuss" persuasion.
She was admitted to hospital ("resus"!), poked and prodded for maybe three weeks and then sent home. They put some sort of care package in place called "enablement" or some such. The idea was to get her back up on her feet, physio and the like, but... let's say the carers were a mixed bag. Some were lovely. One had a right attitude, I could've slapped the cheeky mare.
Fast forward six weeks and she's been "enabled" at least on paper, except she hadn't because they'd mostly come in, go "anything you need?" she'd say "no thank you" and they'd leave. She'd pretty much stopped eating. The weight was falling off her, and she wasn't a big woman to start with (and always had a voracious appetite). I got her GP out to do a home visit, he took one look at her and called another ambulance.
Back into hospital, tube up the nose so they can get something inside her but at best it's a dietary supplement rather than replacement and by this point she wasn't strong enough for more invasive procedures. I had "the talk" with doctors on two separate occasions. I eavesdropped them one time and overheard they'd weighed her, she was 32kg which is 5 stone in old money.
We moved her to a nursing home because ultimately they need the beds. She's mostly non-communicative by this point, but I think this was largely physical rather than mental (which is arguably worse, would you prefer to be oblivious?). She was given some sort of fast-track programme to pay for it, I have a friend who's a nurse and she told me they only offer that service to people who aren't going to be needing it for very long. She was in there maybe a month.
So, yeah. Pragmatically, I can't complain too loudly because by any measure we got twenty more years out of her than we really had any right to. Aside from the holding pen between resus and a ward - she was on a trolley in a reception corridor from about 5pm till 11:30 the next morning - everyone at the hospital was brilliant. The home couldn't have been nicer, I scoped out a few ahead of her being transferred so I could make an informed decision.
Today I've had a conversation around caskets and... you know, I don't even know what else. I'd forgotten I'd even made the appointment, my partner picked me up and I was like "why, where are we going?" The director lass was lovely, but I suppose it goes with the job. "Sign here" was hilarious, I pick up a pen so rarely these days that I can barely write my own name on a good day let alone when I'm shaking like a shitting Jack Russell.
Give your loved ones a squeeze. You never know when you might not be able to any more.
sorry to hear about your loss.
As to being even more grumpy than usual. I can say its unlikely anyone noticed 😆
That made me laugh, thank you.
Could you possibly get a temporary reinstatement as a mod, with full ban-hammer privileges? Swinging that around wildly for the afternoon might take your mind off it for a bit.
Take care.
😁 There'd be no-one left.
In seriousness, I've joked about this before, but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.
but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.
I'm here for you fella. 🙂
I haven’t yet lost my mum, but losing my dad was tough. I’m glad that this place - after all you’ve put into it, seems a place where you can vent.
Loss isn’t easy to deal with. I think we all manage this in our own way. I know that when I lost my dad, I spent time with close friends who cared and that gave me a level of comfort. I am lucky that my brother dealt a lot with the practicalities of certifying his death and although I arranged his funeral, that made it easier.
I hope you are able to spend time with those who care about you and even talking it through on here if it helps.
Thinking of you.
Take care.
Sorry for your loss Cougar.
My mum died of Covid last December after 10 years with dementia. I have to admit that we all found it a relief, and as for grief, we had none left as we'd been grieving in slow motion for ten years. Not sure I'd call that lucky, but it did make all the arrangements easier to cope with.
Hugs.
Really sorry for your loss mate. There's some decent folk on here, use them.
as for grief, we had none left as we’d been grieving in slow motion for ten years.
Honestly, it's been rough, but I think "decline over a couple of months" is probably the easiest way to cope with (for some value of "coping") because you get some warning rather than just not getting a response when you ring one day. My dad took four years from losing his marbles to finally checking out, that would probably have been awful had I cared sufficiently.
I'm sorry to hear this - my mother died (cancer) 6 years ago, and while it's shit when it happens, over time you come to accept that it's the way of the world, and the grief does pass. Virtual hugs and all that!
I've just had an email from the funeral director. Her signature is in Comic Sans. 👀
Very sorry for your loss Cougar.
You’d think Gothic or copperplate would be more appropriate
but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.
We're here for you.
My mum died 23 years ago at the time it was a relief as she had been going downhill by degrees since 1983. It's a strange experience sitting bedside for your shift and then heading into town where you realise life is still going on, a proper disconnect. Losing ones parents is bad the parent of the opposite sex is usually the one that affects the most from our familial experience.
Take some time for you and remember that although your mum has gone eventually you'll either raise a smile at her memory or feel a tad wistful at a song on the radio a scent on the air. They're never really gone as you're the proof they were here.
Her signature is in Comic Sans
Putting the "fun" in funeral.
Oh, very nice. 👏
I'm really sorry for your loss. As someone who has lost both parents in recent years I can offer a bit of hope. You can get through it. It still hurts at times and I guess it always will but things do improve and you can get back to living your life. Take time out for yourself and try and do things that make you happy. For me it was simple things, getting out on the bike, going for walks, being outdoors. Find what works for you then do more of it.
Crap news Cougar sorry to hear (ok read) your summary. Sending virtual hugs to you and Mrs Cougar.
but arguing with pillocks on the Internet is actually kinda cathartic.
Oh no it isn't;-)
sorry to hear this. tough times for sure. wish you all the best.
I obviously don’t know you other than here but I’m genuinely sorry for your loss. All the best mate.
Cougar,
Sorry for your loss.
All I can say is to stay strong.
Take care.
(just 90 days ago I experienced the same thing with my father but that's not all ... )
