But I've been meaning to do so for some time.
My mum died last night.
I mean... I don't know what else to add to that. She's been chronically ill for some time, became acutely ill a few weeks ago. I got a phone call "you need to come now" which I missed but I'm not going to beat myself up over because if my mum hasn't worked out how I feel in the preceding 50 years then I've left it a bit late.
I am, frankly, a ****ing wreck right now. So if I'm more of a grumpy prick on here than my default baseline grumpy prickishness I can only apologise.
Shit starts now, this all falls on me. There is no-one else. I've had phone calls about burials vs cremations, about what plans she might have in place, everyone's been lovely but.
Well.
****.
Dusty, innit.
Sorry to hear that Cougar.
I lost both my parents in a relatively short period of time (less than six months between them)
I'm sure friends and relatives will rally around given the chance and a little time to process.
I have friends, yes. But thank you.
I lost my dad maybe ten years ago but... we never really saw eye to eye, shall we say. My mum's different, we were close.
... and of course,
Sorry to hear that also.
I am, frankly, a ****ing wreck right now.
I'm very sorry to hear that, sincerlely.
You will be a ****ing wreck right now, if you weren't I'd say theres something wrong with you.
That sounds like a cold thing to say, but I've lost all of my family over the last few years, aside from my dog and i've kinda got used to death.
To me it's part of the tsunami of life, sometimes you don't get much chance for breath before the next wave hits you.
And thats fine. downtime is good, but do not feel presuured into doing anything daft.
I worded that really badly.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's OK to feel sad and grieve, it's normal and healthy, and it's ok to get angry and frustrated.
It might take a few months or a few years to really come to terms with things. That's normal, different people come to terms with things in thier own way.
I'll shut my gob now as I'm probably not helping.
Nothing useful to add. This place was actually a comfort and incredibly lovely when mine died. In the end everyone does a bunch of the important stuff alone I think. All the best to you and yours
Sincere condolences Cougar, never a nice place to be.
As for posting on here? You're just venting, like a lot of people do on here including me. Write what you want, when you want and someone will reply. Just the act of typing stuff out can be very cathartic and might just be what you need right now. Both of my parents are at End Of Life stages and them going really scares me, I know it's a normal part of the life cycle but it still isn't something to look forward to. Good luck getting through it.
gah - so sorry to hear this.
Losing my dad when I was in my early 20s was beyond traumatic, and the weeks following his death (funeral etc) felt surreal - we were all in a daze. I remember the hardest thing was that the world keep turning, despite your entire life imploding (or feeling like it had) still having to put petrol in the car and remember to buy toilet rolls was difficult to reconcile.
My advice is to just slip into neutral and roll through the bumps of the next few weeks - just let the funeral directors manage the arrangements, try to delegate things to other friends/family if possible (who will be grateful to be able to help) and accept help where it's offered.
We've had some pretty serious family trauma since then and the "how do we cope?" question has been asked a lot. The answer is: coping is getting through it. This is something that's happening "to" you - you don't have to manage the situation any more than doing what's required, you don't have to cope "well" - you just have to get through to the other side without losing-it, that's the only objective here.
I stood up and spoke at my fathers funeral, because it felt like something that I should do. It didn't achieve anything, I don't feel any weird pride in the fact I did it - in retrospect, all it did was make the week leading up to the funeral (and then the day itself) more stressful for me. I would advise my younger self not to do it, and just focus on getting through each day/interaction instead of trying to achieve some imagined standard of how you feel you should cope.
I'm not sure if that's helpful (or even makes sense)
Sorry for your loss.
That’s shit mate.
I hope you can enjoy some good memories.
Really sorry for your loss. Big virtual hugs to you.
More virtual hugs to you from a lurker. Go easy on yourself. 🙁
Sad news to hear @Cougar , thinking of you.
Take it one day at a time. You’ll get through this immediate deluge of things. Then the next bunch.
Sorry to read this Cougar. All I can say is you know where I am if you need to vent. As others have said, it’s all a part of life but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Think of the goods times and accept any help you can from those around you. Big hugs from the Funk family.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry to hear this Cougar,
I lost my dad about 5 yrs ago now and totally understand where you are right now, it's rough. I know it's a bit of a cliche but remember the good times. Like batfink said above try and slip into neutral for the next few weeks.
Another virtual hug for you
So sorry to read this. Another virtual hug. Be kind to yourself.
Really sorry for your loss 🙁
Sorry to hear this. In my experiences, having to get on with the daily necessities is a help, organising funeral stuff is horrible though.
There's nothing that really prepares you for losing your own parents. I mean, on some level all of us know that it's going to happen, but when it does; shitting hell.
It's OK to be a miserable wreck for a bit.
Very sorry to hear this. Took me a couple of days to start functioning at a basic level after my mum died. I work in a garden centre and the number of times during a week when I see a pensioner who looks just like her and my heart stops...
🙁
Look after yourself.
Sorry to hear this.
Feel free to vent and rage on here when things get too much, lean on friends when you need to.
The raw emotion will ease eventually, leaving a bitter-sweet mix of sadness and memories.
I lost my Dad 7 years ago and just yesterday on my way home from a ride with pals I rode up to the hill where we scattered his ashes. Spent 5 mins watching the sunset and then carried on home.
I've still my Mum but from watching my OH who's lost both her parents, I think when both are gone folk have lost that physical 'link' to their past - and it is a reminder that they're 'next'...
Sorry to hear that, Cougar
What scares me most is that I might not feel that way when my 2 go. They've both been declining for several years now, especially my mum, and I think I may have done the grieving already. I think their former selves would not see any pleasure in their current lives and it's really hard to see them struggling.
Anyhow, condolences. Good luck; they tell me the grind of the admin sometimes "helps", at leat as a distraction
Condolences Cougar. Look after yourself, take the time you need. Hope dealing with all the necessary stuff goes okay - it amazes me how overcomplicated dealing with the passing of a family member can become for no appreciable reason. Death is a git with inconvenient timing. You'll pull through.
Even when expected, that news sucks.
I hope you start feeling better soon and get to the point of balance where the 50+ years mean more than the final moments. It can take a while to get there but you will get there. Until then, chip up and ride your bike?
Really sorry to hear this. My condolences.
IME just talking about it helps, it's a release which I found I needed, we (my brothers and I) lost both of ours within a week 11 years ago (**** cancer). So sorry for your loss.
Terrible news, take time to care for yourself over the coming days.
Sorry to hear that Cougar.
My Mum died around this time of year, two years ago, and I was just thinking about her this morning.
I was listening to an Adam Buxton podcast of his interview with Richard E Grant, it's very entertaining but with a section on death of loved ones/grief, as they discuss Grant's wife's death last year and Buxton's parents deaths.
I got a bit upset but found it "enjoyable"
Maybe yourself, or others, might get something out of it... (about 50mins or so into the podcast)
Sad news to hear Cougar.
Condolences to you and your family.
Sorry for your loss,look after yourself through these early days,it will get easier.
My thoughts are with you.
I think you said you were already in a difficult place. Take your time and get help if you need it
Sorry that is shit news. 🙁
I still have both my parents, not looking forward to that day when it comes.
Sorry to hear that!
bon courage.
So sorry to hear of your loss Cougar. Try to keep busy and spend time with people that you care about, as you adjust to a new reality.
I went on a long bike ride with friends the day after my mum died. It helped and I know it was exactly what she would have wanted me to do.
It is very hard because mums have a unique role in our lives which no one can replace.
Dammit Cougar. A huge hug and my deepest sympathies on your loss. Please do look after yourself in the coming weeks.
Really sorry for your loss. Big virtual hugs to you.
This. So sorry for your loss.
Lost my dad 25 years ago and my mum 2 years ago. My reactions were different for both despite both being expected (because **** Cancer).
In all honesty, just do what you want to and if that means post in here then why not. I baked some scones and a feta and cherry tomato loaf the day after my mum died. I have no idea why (I’m hardly a regular baker and neither was my mum; although she cooked a mean chocolate chip cake) and I don’t think it matters.
Condolences and look after yourself
Sorry for your loss Cougar, my Mam died just over a year ago, but she pops into my head often - they never really leave us. A bloody good cry when you feel like it helps I find!
Sorry man, that's $h1t news. Lots of good thoughts and advice already so I won't add to it.
Those of us lucky enough to have parents still with us have it coming...
Take care fella, look after you.
