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Seriously, some people are just nice. I am not. How do you become a nice person i would quite like to give it a go.
Stop voting Tory?
Exactly how 'not nice' are you? If we had a sliding scale of 1-10, where one is a mildly annoying work colleague who occasionally microwaves fish in the office and ten was Stalin, where are you on that?
You don't need to be.
Just pretend to be one on the internet then continue to suffer your hateful, misanthropic existence as you nurse that white hot ball of barely repressed rage that constantly dogs your real life.
That's what I do at least.
Try keeping a "gratitude list".
Basically every day think of something you are grateful for and add it to a list then review previous entries.
it is meant to put you in a positive frame of mind which means that you are more likely to be nice to people.
is that like a "Thank Bank" ?
Ive got a thank bank in my head for times when the wife is out. same thing?
Exactly how ‘not nice’ are you? If we had a sliding scale of 1-10, where one is a mildly annoying work colleague who occasionally microwaves fish in the office and ten was Stalin, where are you on that?
was stalin a bad guy?
is that like a “Thank Bank” ?
No, that's something entirely different
Manners, smile, say hello to people you walk past, volunteer with local groups and don’t be dick.
Sometimes it depends on the perspective people take and take the chance to listen to what other people are saying, smile nicely, engage in conversation forget about your worries as then drone on about theirs 😉
You can learn to be outwardly nice and agreeable, if you're currently rude and abrasive?
But genuine empathy, thinking outside of yourself and caring for others - that can't be taught. Or rather it's not something you can get a late start on - it can be learned behaviour from a young age if you were raised right.
Percypanther, that really made me laugh!
I will make a mental note to thank you.
was Stalin a bad guy?
What is your motivation for being a nicer person, and what stops you from doing so currently?
Can you tell us why you think you're not a nice person?
Some examples perhaps.
Be friendly, respectful and polite towards others as default. On the unusual occasion you encounter a ****, deal with it diplomatically.
Act in a way you would like the world to act, trying not to get dragged down to the level of the ****s.
When meeting people, try to remember names, ask about their lives, and only talk about yourself if relevant/prompted.
Celebrate your strengths without getting arrogant. Be honest about your weaknesses without getting getting self-pitying.
I try to stick to the above with varying degrees of success. I can still be a **** at times.
Unable not to make sarcastic remarks.
I did think i had a lot of empathy for others, was caring etc etc but i had one of these things at work not so long ago where they profile you. On a scale of 1to10 for empathy i got a 1. bit of a shocker tbh.
cancelled the meeting after that.
Serious answer:
Don't try to be "nice". The "nicest" man I've ever met in my life is also the only human being i've ever encountered who I genuinely thought might be a serial killer. It's not really something that you can force.
Instead, why not try to be genuine? Be true to yourself even if you are a grumpy sod. If there are aspects of your personility that you don't like then, by all means try and reduce their impact on your life and how you interact with others. If that change is inwardly driven then it'll be genuine and it'll be more likely to stick.
Learn to like yourself and be kind to yourself and it becomes much easier to do the same to others and for them to reciprocate.
I struggle with all of this every single day but i'm slowly getting there, I think.
Unable not to make sarcastic remarks.
I hear you brother! It's a reflex for me too but I always stop and analyse it before i say it. If it's cruel ( which it often is) I keep it to myself. Everyone and everything is fair game for a snarky comment but never, ever do it with malice.
Never heard of a "Thank Bank" but sounds similar.
Article about gratitude lists here.
https://www.mydomaine.com/gratitude-list
Don't be nice. Just keep your mouth shut. It's the same thing, only without the attention seeking need for validation.
Keep a Little Book of Calm with you
You can't 'be nice' if you aren't already nice. It's learned from an early age and very difficult to now change. The die is cast.
Instead, and what you can do, is try to do nice things. Hold a door for someone, let them out into traffic, forgive them a stupid driving manoeuvre. Smile and say please and thankyou. Put your phone away when spending time with someone. These are all nice things to do and anyone can do them, without needing to become false to do them.
And oddly, by doing them you will become a nicer person to deal with, you'll be happier with yourself, and by doing so become 'nice'.
(in the same vein some racists are not really racists. They're often good hearted people who do racist things either from a position of ignorance or fear. By not labelling them but the act itself, you have more chance in effecting a change)
Send me a tenner
Every day
....please
Lie
That way only you know youre a dick?
You dont have to do any fancy. Just hold doors open offer some assistance and generally by sociable. Just think how your action will affect someone and try to make it a positive
You dont need to sell everything and build a hospital in the Sudan.
say hello to people you walk past
FFS, he wants to be nicer, not more annoying.
I work with some quite stupid people and it's difficult not to tell them that constantly. However, even though I'm right and they're wrong, they take it the wrong way when I tell them they're morons, so they think I'm the one being a ****. What I try to do is budget only one episode a week of setting shit straight and the rest of the time just smile like a fool when someone says something dumb. You'll find yourself smiling a lot if you do this. (That's in real life, of course, where I'm not so fond of getting punched in the face. Online, telling people they're idiots is the only thing that keeps me going.)
Wheton's Law.
Unable not to make sarcastic remarks.
Christ, that's me utterly screwed.
Unable not to make sarcastic remarks.
I’m dogged by this. It’s a negative familial trait on the male side of the family. And one of the milder ones, so at least I got lucky!
I’m thinking it (saracasm) is amusing/harmless as I say it, but more often just sounds dickish to others, and I’m sometimes aware of this. Problem is, am also overly empathic/concerned for others so can be genuinely confused/confusing. I’ve no idea how to teach empathy. The most non-empathic people I know genuinely view empathy/caring as some kind of ‘weakness’ at most levels. So have no idea how such a paradigm shift is possible. Wouldn’t it be boring if we all had optimal trait ratios?
Seriously*, Perchy’s serious answer is a good answer, I reckon.
*I also often reflexively say ‘No, but seriously...‘ like a bad standup routine. Then catch self after the fact. Which is maybe another clue. Personally love engaging with genuine people who are engaged in the moment, focused and also unconcerned with detouring/impressing either themselves or others with snark/saracasm. Just have to remember that little fact when the tables are turned I’m the one speaking 🤪
#snarkarse
I second trying to be genuine and not trying to be nice. The latter will have you questioning yourself every 5 mins and have ridden with stress and anxiety which will portray and rudeness.
I’ve been through this in the last couple of years, and I’m my experience, learning that you are not entitled to
a) be right
b) have or enforce an opinion
c) have to answer anything
d) stubbornly hang on to the knowledge you know f all about something
e) can’t admit your weakness
...works. Try reading one of stw bigger threads or socialising having no contribution whatsoever. Sit back, relax and watch. Just enjoy the world around you, take responsibility for your own actions and home/family based role. You’ll find stress and the need to respond to everything and everyone vanishes.
Everyone has a place on life’s ladder, some are higher or lower than your, just accept where you are and don’t try to force yourself on anyone .
Sell the underground island bunker.
Abandon plans for world domination.
Lay off the donkey porn.
Smile.
Think nice things - stop imagining grinding faces into the dirt with the heel of your jackboot.
Dance to car alarms.
Learn to enjoy losing, but not all the time.
Sell the German car.
Stop playing golf, start playing board games.
Dress like a child.
Drink tea, not coffee.
Don't give a seconds thought to what other people think of you.
Avoid idiots.
Stop watching TV and listen to the radio.
Borrow somebody elses dog.
Get a guitar.
Buy a nicer mattress.
Learn to enjoy the rain.
Don’t try to be “nice”...
...Instead, why not try to be genuine
^ Totally this
Try keeping a “gratitude list”.
Basically every day think of something you are grateful for and add it to a list then review previous entries.
it is meant to put you in a positive frame of mind which means that you are more likely to be nice to people.
I’ve always felt like punching people who suggest things like that! 😂
Talk less, never give an opinion, listen and repeat what others say back to them.
People will love you and remark how interesting and charismatic you are.
You're only a bit of a dick Andy, there's much worse people I've met.
Don't confuse empathy and niceness, I'm a very empatheitc person, but catch me in a bad mood and i can be stroppy and unpleasant
Do you offer help to people unprompted? Hold open doors? Say hello or nod if random strangers do so to you?
If you generally do those things then you'll be tipping to the non-Stalin end of ****-o-meter
(*and you can help things by not calling me McLovin next time i see you!)
Just be yourself, anything else is hard work, wont work for long and is not genuine.
Life is too short to waste time trying to change the stuff you cant change.
Just adopting the motto "Don't be a dick about it" might be all you need. To be nice *enough*.
Meditation to introspect on what makes you feel that putting others down makes you feel better about yourself.
People who aren't nice are usually feeling bad about something and that something doesn't get better if you keep it bottled up and repressed. I'm not talking about full on therapy here, but I'm much less of a spanner these days since I understood what was making me act out when I was younger/drunk.
Don't get me wrong though, I still have my moments!
…Instead, why not try to be genuine
What if the genuine personality trait is one that is a belligerent arsehole? <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">Perhaps a kindlier version would be to treat other folk as you would like them to treat you? </span>
What if the genuine personality trait is one that is a belligerent arsehole?
I'd rather deal with a belligerent arsehole who was genuinely trying not to be than someone who was faking niceness to conceal their true personality.
Jimmy Saville was really "nice". He did lots of good work for charity and made countless kids dreams come true.
I resolved to be a much nicer person, nowadays I don't tell people if the meme they've just sent me I've seen before and just reply with a laughy moji. 🤣
What if the genuine personality trait is one that is a belligerent arsehole?
Being genuine is surely usually better than being fake. And if someone who is genuinely an arsehole to others gets tired of the knock-on effects of being an arsehole to others, then at least their journey towards being less of an arsehole stands a chance of being a genuine journey rather than some fake veneer of niceness.
Yeah.
It's OK to be an arsehole as long as you try not to be an arsehole about it.
I don't agree that unpleasantness is an immutable aspect of a person. I think "acting" nice is a skill set that can be learned (I hope!).
I think the underlying aim should be to behave in a way that makes people feel valued or important. Behaviours like listening without interrupting, trying to remember a few personal details about someone so you can show them you were paying attention / are interested in them, offering help without prompting and acknowledging things people do for you are what I am working on to see if it brings about any positive changes.
Like yourself OP at 49 I am realising that not being nice has badly hobbled me in my personal and work life. Good thread and very interesting topic.
I’d rather deal with a belligerent arsehole who was genuinely trying not to be than someone who was faking niceness to conceal their true personality.
No one talked about faking anything.
Most people would like to be treated with some respect, some courtesy, and friendliness. If you can't manage friendly, then at lest aim for the first two, you don't have to fake anything. IME belligerent arseholes (The calling a spade a spade gang, or the doesn't suffer fools gladly mob) have no excuse for that sort of behaviour really
Like with anything, you need to practise it to get good.
And the quickest way to make somebody dislike you is to be inconsistent. It's ok if you dislike something; better to say "sorry I'm not keen on that" than to pretend you like it then get caught out later.
...and honestly if after some self reflection, you have discovered that your true identity is "belligerent arsehole" then do the rest of us a favour; and get some therapy.
Get your otherhalf to withold pudding if you are not polite, meek and compliant at all times.
No one talked about faking anything.
I'm perhaps particulary triggered by that sort of person.
If I had to draw up a list of the most hateful people i've ever met in my life then a clear pattern would emerge that they are outwardly courteous and well mannered, charming even....or "nice" if you prefer but it's just a veneer to hide their true arsholiness.
Probably says more about me than I'm comfortable with.
I'd still take genuine arsehole over fake nice any day.
(The calling a spade a spade gang, or the doesn’t suffer fools gladly mob)
Ah, those guys. The ones whose Facebook profile reads:
"Education:
University of Life
School of Hard Knocks"
See? There's Binners being Binners.
A genuine arsehole and I love* him for it!
* Well, grudging respect, at least.
We all have to pride ourselves on something PP. Without my arseholyness I'd be an empty shell
I think we're probably talking about different groups of folk TBH. What's fake about treating other people with courtesy and respect?
I think the lying shysters who'll do or say anything, are a different group to the being an arsehole because I can and there have been no repercussions thus far, so I'll just carry on.
Considering this post for a bit,
If I had to draw up a list of the most hateful people i’ve ever met in my life then a clear pattern would emerge that they are outwardly courteous and well mannered, charming even….or “nice” if you prefer but it’s just a veneer to hide their true arsholiness.
it's unervingly accurate with reference to unpleasnt people. Maybe its part of the ringpiece attributes as it makes you feel guilty about disagreeing etc... Then when you do their true character quicky slithers out through the cracks.
(*and you can help things by not calling me McLovin next time i see you!)
almost impossible you see...
and honestly if after some self reflection, you have discovered that your true identity is “belligerent arsehole” then do the rest of us a favour; and get some therapy.
tried that, genuinely. and they said yea i can see where your coming from
But ive met some people that are just always really really nice. I dont know how they do it. Its like they are able to reason and consider their thoughts before speaking. They are happy and seem to enjoy everything and speaking to everyone. It looks great.
Bear in mind that i am never horrible to anyone intentionally. Or say things with malice. Its generally because in my tiny mind i find it amusing.
Seems like ive got a similar outlook to perchy, which again is slightly concerting.
Binners, You go girl....
Bear in mind that i am never horrible to anyone intentionally. Or say things with malice. Its generally because in my tiny mind i find it amusing.
Sure, You do know that that's the sort of thing that makes you sound like Jacob Rees Mogg, right? You're in a privileged (there's that word again) position, as I suspect, nothing has ever happened to you (really bad) to make you pull up and think about it. Almost uniquely in society; men get to be arseholes with really no comeback...It's about the closest most of us get to being a Tory MP I'd have thought. If that isn't enough of an incentive to make you change tack, then there's probably no hope.
Stay off social media. Even if you try and battle the asshats on there they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
But ive met some people that are just always really really nice. I dont know how they do it.
Easy. They're simpletons. They must be. I exist in a constant state of barely surpressed rage. I just assumed everybody else did too?
nickc,
just how bad does it have to be for me not to be privileged?
I just take it that most people in casual interaction really don't care what I'm like somewhere deep down, it's how I act that matters. So try reasonably hard to act nicely and try to save being a **** for those I'm closest to and most care about. Actually, I try to be nice to them too as they already know how bad i am, I don't have to keep proving it.
Obviously none of this applies in the pub where I give no quarter and expect no mercy. It's awful when someone tries to be nice.
just how bad does it have to be for me not to be privileged?
Simple: If I say "X" Is that the sort of thing I could imagine say; Iain Duncan Smith saying. If the answer is yes, then keep your trap shut... 🙂
I have a simple rule. Treat others how you would expect them to treat you. I don’t think you can go far wrong
ahhh got ya.
Im clearly not as big a fan as the torys as you are though Nickc
Easy. They’re simpletons. They must be. I exist in a constant state of barely surpressed rage. I just assumed everybody else did too?
Joking apart that’s insightful regarding the most genuinely toxic people I’ve known, ie those on the ‘dark triad’ (notably the unrepentant Machiavellian and or with NPD)
A common trait I’ve noticed is they overly project, ie they are convinced that there is little to no genuine kindness in the world, only wolves and sheep. Instead, they genuinely believe that everyone is either like them (ie fake, manipulative, avaricious, bigoted, etc) or else like a naive sheep (except still fake)
Totally blew my mind talking to one of these people and learning how they really feel. Exhausting.
Im clearly not as big a fan as the torys as you are though Nickc
I've read this a couple of times now, and I've not a scoobies what you mean...
How can i be a nicer person?
Honestly, I think a lot of it comes down to stepping back a bit from things that hack you off about the world, people, and life in general. If you can just let it wash over you, from people being tools, the world being unfair, politicians being utter b*stards and the like, it becomes easier to just smile and nod when someone's banging on about something that's important to them but clearly irrelevant to the wider world.
I find myself relying quite heavily on 
as a way to cope...
Treat others how you would expect them to treat you.
Unless you're Max Mosley, obviously.
I have a simple rule. Treat others how you would expect them to treat you. I don’t think you can go far wrong
Commonly known as
How about taking the time to understand what makes the most important people to you feel happy and loved? If you make people feel loved, then the general vibe is altogether nicer. It might sound like a heap of hippy nonsense, but I think the 5 love languages thing makes a lot of sense. It highlights the difference between doing things that would make you feel loved, and doing things that actually make other people feel loved. So, you might do the dishes because you think that having helpful things done for you is a lovely sign that you care, while really what the other person wants is to be told you think they're amazing - and then you wonder why they don't appreciate your effort. It's not just about couples, it's about kids and friends too. Do the quiz and see what you learn. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
How about taking the time to understand what makes the most important people to you feel happy and loved? If you make people feel loved, then the general vibe is altogether nicer. It might sound like a heap of hippy nonsense
The overton window explodes
Some of the most popular people I know are right miserable self centred sods which I find a tad confusing.
How about taking the time to understand what makes the most important people to you feel happy and loved?
Or for everyone. I've always believed in "chivalry" its just how I grew up, well after the age of 20 anyway. When I went though my self examination one thing I did was to extend that to a deliberate daily process on the basis of having no other agenda than lightening someone else's mood. Holding a door open, buying someone a coffee, offering a seat, having polite conversation with a server/ticket clerk/person next to you (all pre covid obvs) can go a long way.
Give it a few years and you won't give a toss.
I have come across a couple of those magical people - the ones whose presence brightens up the room. I have no idea how they do it, but it's not artifice. They didn't learn it, it's how they are.
I suspect most people who seem to be naturally lovely had a very loving and stable family.
Conversely folks who are basically decent can have picked up all sorts of undesirable ways from f"©ked up family and acquaintances that can (thank goodness) be discarded, particularly if better role models come along.
have come across a couple of those magical people – the ones whose presence brightens up the room. I have no idea how they do it, but it’s not artifice. They didn’t learn it, it’s how they are.
To be more practical, it doesn’t take a luminous magical spirit to practice simple kindness. Or is that where we’ve arrived in 2020?
Me being genuine all the time would lead to me being sacked, divorced in jail or worse!
Pick someone who you think is nice and think about what they do and how you could do it. Forget the sarcasm, try and be positive.
Just be kind and caring and like animals.treat others like you would like to be treated.
Might be worth considering if you have a personality disorder.no one really talks about them but I am convinced they are more common then thought.
Deal with ideas rather than reduce yourself to trading insults (invariably aggressors are dimwits anyway). Understand the difference between sarcasm and satire. Ask questions. Be interested in things and people and learn about them.
Fix why you feel you are not nice. What's making you behave the way you do? Any change has to be authentic. People who are nice but not genuine tend to be psychopaths.