[Closed] Help with best man speech...need some jokes

need some info first, what does he do for a living/where's he from etc

Asking on an internet forum three days before the wedding? I fear for you. 😛

I didn't really tell any "jokes". I told some funny (unless you were the groom) stories about when we shared a flat and then harped on about him and the bride and the manly "I love you man" sort of stuff. Seemed to work.

I always thought that 'This is the second time today that I've got up off a nice warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand' was a great opening line for a bestman 🙂

Good luck

He is a Scientific Civil Servant working in Quality accreditaions, works from home in Chippenham commuting to London. Fairly boring type with no mad hobbies (unlike his brother!)

I'm not a big fan of 'jokes' - save those for meeting and mingling. For the speech you just need a good starter to get them on your side, and then some funny anecdotes to bring them along.

An old favourite (but a bit common now so many will already have heard it) is 'You might be surprised to hear this isn't the first time I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand today...'

The one i used was 'I'm a bit nervous when I have to speak in public, so before giving a speech at a major event such as this, I like to try it out somewhere less important first. So the speech I am about to give was first used at the Haslemere and District Haemorroid Society's annual dinner. <pause for suitable effect> - well they say dinner, but it was more of a stand up buffet'

a bad day for all the single blokes out there as "bride" is getting married today and for all the single ladies out there, well today will pass as a mere ripple.

got a laugh when i said it anyway.

I was a bit confused about the happy couple's honeymoon plans - Doris told me that they were going to the Maldives but I'm sure I heard my brother saying he was going to Bangor all weekend. Boom tish!

Wish the bride a very happy time in Wales...as the groom had said he was going to Bangor for a week!!!

This has been an emotional day for everyone...even the cake is in tiers! (assuming they have the standard wedding cake design)

My brother opened with this... "When my brother asked me to be his best man I thought it was like having sex with the Queen Mother......it's a great honour but nobody [i]really[/i] wants to do it".

something about how lovely the bride is, better than most of the slags your brothers had etc.

I get nervous speaking in public. Someone suggested imagining the audience naked, it seems to be working right now. Especially you (points to brides mother).

I was told that a best man's speech should be like a skirt - short enough to keep everyone's attention, but long enough to cover all the important stuff.

how about the fact that you've been so nervous about giving this speech you've been fingering their rings all day

you could throw this in, but expect a punch in the face.

"but on a serious note folks - i have some wonderful news. the happy couple will be needing nappies soon.

<ahhhh's from the broody folks in the room>

No, its not like that, the bride's arse muscles have packed up.
"

IGMC

He He.....I could get my Bro into real trouble as this will be his third wife!!

**** came in to this big bad world on the day/month/year…I believe he was due on the **th but he came prematurely……old habits die hard mate.
Anyway, I had a look to see what other things happened on that faithful day and nothing, nothing at all. There was however records at *** hospital stating that the day will hence forth be known as monkey Monday…..

I did make sure that * got here on time today though. We sat last night, had a drink, reminisced and relaxed and last night **** slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!

The others I used were real life experiences. They tend to be funnier as the guests either know the person and can relate it to them or others get an insight in to a side they don't know.
Mine went [i]very[/i] well indeed (if I do say so myself 😉 ) and I hate to say it but it's all about the prep. I did have an accompanying powerpoint presentation though 😀

I had my little brothers bestman speech to do last month, he was also my best man last year, so I had this as the opener on mine

" As most of you will know, Douglas was my best man when Dot and I got married last year and after his speech for me, and I felt it only fair, after he put hours of hard work into mine, that I should return the favour, so I wrote this sitting on the loo last night!" I then had all my notes written on toilet paper with fake skid makes on it. It got a good few laughs!! (use crayola washable brown pens, and cellotape the back of the paper together so it does not tear)

and i also used this

"I would just like to say that Douglas and Lisa truly do belong together, you could say their love is pure and simple, Lisa’s pure and Douglas is simple,

Hope it goes well.

3rd wife and you're needing material?! 😉

2 previous convictions and he's going for a 3rd!!?

I had a look in the paper this morning to see what the stars had in line for the happy couple, but I don't really believe in all that nonsense.......which is unusual for a Sagitarius.

I used..

Public speaking is meant to be one of the most stressful things you can do… in readiness for today I had some advice from a few friends who are used to standing up in front of people and talking, they offered me a number of tips.. one was to imagine the audience naked.. (pause and look round.. wincing… look at wife) “I’ll see you later..” (Look at Father of Bride.. wince and take haemmorhoid cream out of pocket).. This is meant to help with those chap!..

I asked at his work colleagues what they thought of him, they told me he was thought of as a god in the office.. I was impressed until they explained that meant he was rarely seen and any work he did was a miracle..

They’ve both gone to a lot of effort to get married in this grand castle though, it’s been a great day and I’m sure they’re both proud of what they’ve achieved here.. *** told me recently that the bridal suite is actually haunted, I suspect though that’s a convenient cover-up in case anyone hears the sound of rattling chains and moaning tonight.

..! Apparently though, he was thinking of proposing to **, he just wasn’t sure how to do it without having his way of kneeling criticised

Try this site: http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/samples/samplespeechhome.aspx

"Don't they look like a lovely couple? <Bride> can you put your hand on the table? Now <Groom> put your hand on hers. Remember and treasure this moment, its the last time you'll ever have the upper hand again!"

Badum-tish, worked for me.

My fave...and guarantees a laugh...

The groom has never had much luck on the ex girlfriend front....In fact his last girlfriend can only be described as melancholy (comedy pause). Body like a melon, face like a Collie.