MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Apologies, this is a pretty long post, if you read it all, thankyou. There's a lot to cover and update on about recent events. Been wanting to post this for a while and it worries me to do it, but as you all know it's my venting place so felt I needed to.
How can someone you have raised for 14 years since they were 2 and a half stab you in the back? Well this is unfortunately what's happened. About 6 months ago he reported me for abuse! Apparently I was constantly punching and hitting him and pinning him down. According to him all I ever did was shout at him and I never listened to anything he said. He even said I don't care about him! I've had social services intervention and police interviews, it's all been a pretty horrific and harrowing experience. The social services and police investigations have been completed and they've decided no further action is necessary. I've been worried sick what will happen to me, the kids, us. But the 3 of them are still here with me which I am so pleased about. Its the way it should be.
Off his own back one day he went to stay with a so called friend and never came back. Apparently he was too scared to come back and he said he felt 'safe' there. Without me guiding and supporting him, I knew what he would do and what he would be like. In other words he was now able to do what he wanted when he wanted and was in complete control. Not a good thing for an emotionally unstable 16 year old. This is what he'd been trying to do for about 5 or 6 years, even before Lyanda passed away. His behaviour was getting worse but we always managed to keep him on an even keel. I saw videos of him heavily drinking and smoking and staying up til 3am, things I wouldn't allow him to do. And all of this was within 2 days of leaving here. He would occasionally try a drink but he always said he didn't like the taste. Within 7 weeks of leaving here, he had stayed with 4 different families. Each one broke down because he was saying he was being punched and abused there so he couldn't stay there anymore. The grass isn't always greener I guess.
He reported 3 'incidents' to the police, he said these happened about 2 years ago. Everything he has said that happened to him are a blatant lie and the events are completely out of context. He has twisted and manipulated those events to benefit him and everyone seems to be believing it. These 'incidents' were me having to stop him physically hitting the younger 3 children. Literally all that happened was I had a go at him and sent him to his room out of the way to stop what was happening. He's had plenty of opportunities to talk to people over the past couple of years if he wanted to; doctors, teachers, hospital, school counsellor, even friends etc. I've even given him numbers to ring and each time he's refused them saying he was fine and didn't want to talk to anyone.
I've tried everything to get him counselling over the past 2 years or so since Lyanda passed away. No one else had been there for him. His paternal family haven't wanted anything to do with him and haven't for 7 years or more. His biological dad doesn't want him, even told him he was a mistake and should never have happened. Myself and Lyanda had tried a few times to get some sort of relationship going with his dad as that's what he wanted but it always ended in tears. None of them have even messaged in 2 years just to ask if he's OK. He always said he didn't want to end up like his dad, in his words 'an unemployed drug addict and an alcoholic', but he seems to be heading that way now. I hope I'm wrong and he makes the right choices in life. I have found out that he's in contact with his biological dad and that relationship is breaking down already. And I've been told that his biological dad wants to smack me one, some thanks for raising his son and keeping him safe all these years.
He took an overdose and ended up in hospital while he was here a few weeks before he left, on the back of that he got some counselling. Yet no one listened to me when I'd been saying for a long time he needs help. I had been trying to get help, support and counselling for us all too but no one ever replied and I wasn't getting anywhere. Much the same story as now for all of us here. We had social services involved for a short while after his overdose, but after speaking to us all individually they closed the case saying there wasn't any family issues so they couldn't help us. Yet about 2 weeks after the case was closed he made these allegations, he could have said something at the time if he wanted to.
Despite him telling everyone he's too scared to come near me, he appeared one evening at our house with a couple of people and he was literally trying to kick the door down. He said he wanted to sort me out. He also said he wanted to see the others as he cares about them so much, apparently he has every right to see them and I can't stop him? They were all really scared in the house while this was going on. I told him they were scared and if he cared that much about them he wouldn't be doing this, but he wouldn't listen. He refused to leave so I had to call the police to come and remove him from and follow him away from here.
During the summer holidays, he completely blocked all contact with me. Apparently he's now living about 12 miles away in a sort of halfway house under social services care. He has also alienated himself from all the friends he had here because of his attitude and behaviour towards them. The kids here don't want anything to do with him at the moment because of what he's said and done. But he's in town nearly every day and trying to see the others on their way home from school and hanging around trying to get to them. I've tried reporting this to social services to see if they can somehow intervene as it's a safeguarding issue not knowing what he might do, but they won't speak to me. Too much has happened to forget, but I would still like to know if he's OK and how he's doing.
I am so upset, disappointed, annoyed and frustrated with it all. I've had to do the past couple of years with 4 kids literally on my own. I am so alone and lonely. I still don't really talk to anyone outside the kids from day to day and each night I sit here by myself trying to cope. Lockdown made things ten times harder this year, then this happened on top of everything too. I'm pretty sure Lyanda would be spitting teeth at what he's done and said.
So this is what's been going on, like I've said before you couldn't make it up. Recent events timescale might be a bit out and I might have missed some bits, too much has happened to remember every single detail. A couple of people from the forum already know as I speak to them pretty often outside of STW.
When do I get a break from all of this? When can I start breathing again? When am I allowed to start trying to live again instead of just surviving? This is what the last blog post I made was about.
https://brighteststarinthesky.com/2020/10/21/changes/
But, over the past 7 or 8 weeks things have been getting better in the house. The 4 of us are calmer and happier. There's hardly any arguing or fighting anymore. They all play nicely together and generally get on with each other now. Things in the house are pretty good, I enjoy their company again and have actually started messing about with them and playing random stupid stuff. They still run around the house like idiots, whereas before I'd be shouting at them to stop, now I giggle, listening to them all laughing and happy.
While the stress levels have now decreased a bit, it's all had a massive effect on me as a person. Any progress I had been possibly making has been completely undone, and then some. The hole I was in has got deeper but I will hopefully get out of it, one day. Once Xmas is out of the way (I'm determined to somehow make this Xmas special and a good one for them, they deserve it after all the difficulties the past couple of years) I'm hoping to start fresh next year. Again. Trying to sort out my weight, my fitness, my mental state and my debts. But it's nice that the we are all a bit happier and more content now, it should make my journey a little easier.
Thanks
****ing hell that’s a bucket load of shit to have dumped on you with everything else. I can’t offer much helpful advice about how to deal with the situation with your step son other than you’ve all been through an awful lot and people do very strange things when under such extraordinary pressure.
As for catching a break; it will come. Mrs D and I went through 10 years of utter hell but finally things have levelled out and life is largely settled and almost enjoyable.
It doesn’t stop the down cycles of depression from occurring but it does mean getting through them is easier and that the ups are more enjoyable. You just have to keep fighting with at times can seem impossible and pointless but you will get there.
Not much to add here but just to let you know it's not just you. My neighbour's kid did similar things at a similar age, and without any major family issues either.
Fell bad that my message to you earlier was a little up beat.
Just been called into work but will message you later.
Sounds awful.
I've had some tough times with one of mine. I posted on here, and it turned out I had it easy in comparison.
Eventually he stormed out and went to live abroad.
After he left, things were just so much nicer at home with the others.
I had a chat about him with his younger brothers - it turns out we didn't know the half of what was going on. They are *much* harder on his behaviour than I could have imagined.
Back to your problems - if he's left home, then keep it that way. Don't try to get him back, it's not worth it. Give him about ten years (yes, that long in my experience!) and he will stop being such a royal pain.
Can't offer any more advice but you have my deepest sympathies. It's utterly shit.
Well done for trying so hard to help your eldest. It's an impossible situation to be in, I think all you can do is keep being there and available should he manage to turn things around. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't but you'll always know you did your best for him and that's what matters.
At that age, I think you can be pre-programmed to rail against the love and support you've had, in order to eke out some kind of independence for yourself. Not excusing what he's done at all, but hope this is a phase he might be able to look back on with shame and regret, rather than just burying it.
I'll take the positives from your post; that the 4 of you left in the house are getting on better and that will continue. I'm sure you'll have a great christmas together and hope that 2021 brings more joy to your household. You all deserve it.
Jesus Alan, you keep getting put through the wringer. Glad to hear that things are more settled for you now. You’ve done all you can for him, more than a lot of people would’ve done in similar circumstances. Put your energies in to the other three and yourself. Big hugs to you all from the family Funk.
Just so awful, stay strong for the rest of them & know your a good person for doing everything you can/could... Ppl are weird, and have problems, sometimes there nothing you can do about it except protect the rest of your family.
Sounds like you are being a great parent OP, feel good about that.
Alan, that's heartbreaking to hear.
To know this isn't you. Stress, grief and unknown future affects us all differently. It sounds like that he wanted attention and to show his grief and upset.
Glad to hear the last bit about calming down.
I wish you and yours the best.
OP.
That sounds awful. You have my sincerest sympathies.
I'd suggest you try and keep him as far away as possible and try to do the best for the other four.
Horrendous time, but you're there, sounds like things are much more positive for the 4 of you in the house now so take that. From personal experience I will say that the false allegations are really hard to deal with but if they've been NFA'd then that will help in the long term. Sounds like you've tried everything to help but the lad is probably struggling massively due to the absence and behaviour of his biological father on top of the loss of his mum. It's not an excuse for his behaviour, but definitely a causal factor. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that. There is only so much anyone can do.
I'd leave the door open for him in the future, you never know when he might need you. But he'd need to come to you - you probably already know it'd only ever be on his terms.
Good luck
Bloody hell Gnusmas. Nothing useful to say but you have my utmost admiration for your ability to just keep going. Unfortunately you can't help everyone, but you can help the remaining 4 of you.
Even though you feel you have gone backwards the recent home atmosphere sounds great, and that's a good place to be 🙂
My brother and his wife went through this with their daughter in her teens.
She reported my brother and wife to the police for restraining her when she was hitting her younger brother during one of her many tantrums. This happened a number of times.
The false accusations were particularly worrying for them because both of them were in govt jobs where they had exposure to young people.
She stopped hitting her younger brother when he got a bit older and realised he could match and so he decked her when she had a go.
Only time will sort it. Ten years is about right. Now she is a loving daughter.
For the sake of the safety and mental health of the younger kids don't let him back. Support him only if you think it will benefit him, but not in the family home, and not just because of obligation.
Best of luck. It will pass.
I dont know what to say but good luck , you seem like a good guy trying to the best in bad circumstances. Take care bud It's always darkest before the dawn as they say.
I can't add to this except to congratulate you on trying your best. Now, move on and recognise its not your fault and enjoy the three wonderful others.
Best of luck. It will pass
Very much this, can't offer much advice but make sure he knows your door isn't closed to him when he stops being an arsehole.
Edit: sons best mate ended up in American boot camp after his dad passed away, some years later and he was best man at my sons wedding last year and was great 👍
It’s horrible what you’re continuing to go through. I can’t offer any advice but remind yourself what you’ve coped with so far, and keep shouting for counselling if you need it!
When I was younger and my father died, I remember the single biggest worry being that something would happen to my mother. Your three in the house will all be feeling that worry. Me and my two sisters have always been very close, and close to my mother.
As for your eldest. Hugely challenging. All that anger. I'm sure social services are the place for both him and yourself. Things will improve. But being a teenager and losing your mother is hard. My sister's teens know that too. He'll be back, trust me.
Team Gnusmas is a team, the other three know that and so does your eldest. But of course he's angry. God I was at the same! Take the long view. You're doing fine.
I haven’t commented on some of your past thread gnusmas. I didn’t really feel I had a lot to add - that other people were not doing in a better way than I could.
From all accounts you a fantastic dad who has had massive disruptions in your life already. Then you have had this...
I can only take my hat off to you and think you have done so well to manage and just keep on going. I am commenting on this thread just to let you know that there are many people - including me, who think you are doing a terrific job.
Take care from a fellow dad and Singletracker.
Gnusmas - I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this.
Your eldest has hormones raging through his body. He's angry with the fact his biological father didn't want him, his mother died and he's taking it out on the people he loves and are closest to him. These points are all obvious. However in time he will grow up and change.
You are a super dad and are doing the right thing in throwing yourself into family life as it stands now.
As others have said, your eldest is better off away with social services. You have done what you can and it's now time to just concentrate on yourself and your 3 younger children.
I've had experience of a child we 'helped to bring up' being taken away from us (completely different to your situation). It's devastating and I don't use that word lightly.
Keep going and enjoy the giggles with your children and things will get better.
bunny hop x
Everyday the draw starts with a set number of teaspoons in, as you go through the day the number of spoons reduces. It sounds like elder son could use all the spoons up very quickly and actually the rest of the family need spoons too. What I'm trying to say is focus on those you can help and who want to be helped now. If you give the elder some space and time he may come round, but in the mean time, you need to save those spoons for the other kids and yourself.
You can't fix everything for everyone and you are doing the best you can in your present situation.
My view will probably come across as quite harsh, but I do have every sympathy for what you've been through. I do have children, and this is what I would do with my own to be brutally honest.
I'd leave him to it. He's now an adult, and needs to make his own decisions and live a life where he takes care of himself. You've done your bit.
Your priority is your other children and yourself.
I can’t add to this except to congratulate you on trying your best. Now, move on and recognise its not your fault and enjoy the three wonderful others.
+1
I’d leave him to it. He’s now an adult, and needs to make his own decisions and live a life where he takes care of himself. You’ve done your bit.
Your priority is your other children and yourself.
+1
Cant really add much more to the above.. Life really is sh*t sometimes.
I can't add anything in terms of advice, but I can offer a virtual hug. Hang in there Gnusmas, you're doing an amazing job. Never forget that.
Your priority is your other children and yourself.
Your priority is yourself and your other children.
I've said this before but it's a lesson I learned far too late in life, and it took the person I was caring for to tell me: "if you fall over, you're no use to anyone else." This is why airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before dealing with your wards, in order to help others you have to help yourself.
Self-care is not selfishness, it's the diametric opposite of that.
Just realised I never replied to this thread, my apologies.
When I first posted this I didn't read the replies for about a week. Worried what the replies would be and how everyone might react. I've spent many days and nights just thinking what would I do or say if he turned up here again or if I saw him out and about. Honestly, I can't get past what he's actually said and done. How bad the outcome could have been for all of us because of his lies. Not just towards myself but to the other kids and the continuing effect it's had on them all.
Seeing as he's blocked all contact with me and I don't know where he is or what he's doing, I can't get in touch with him even if I wanted to. But everyone, yet again, seems to have backed up everything I was already thinking. I am going to leave him to his own devices, he's made his decisions as far as I'm concerned. In the distant future, who knows, but for the time being I will be concentrating on the other 3 kids and myself to try and better our home environment (other issues and problems hopefully will allow this). Now to try and get on with the next chapter whatever that throws at me. Thanks again for all your views, input and support.
Lovely to see your update, and I'm glad you've found your peace with the situation.
I tend not to comment on your posts, simply because I cannot comprehend how I'd cope in similar situations, but I keep an eye out on posts from you, and a few others on here who gave been open about their problems, just to make sure there is nothing I can practically offer when it's needed.
KIds can be awful - no sense of consequences, no real idea that other people are really people, with feelings and their own lives and so on. Parenting is hard - must be even more so as a single parent more recently, and I know I would have really struggled with half the issues you had.
You need to let him make his own mistakes and hope they are not too serious (and be there for him to pick upi the pieices if you feel he is genuinely remoseful). And then he will go and make some more. All we did with ours was keep saying that we loved them, but hated what they were doing to themselves, to their siblings, to us and so on. There have been times when it all got too much, and this is where help comes in (even the police and social services are trying to help in their own way, although less formal help is always perferred in my view:))
Eventually with ours we got that acknowledgement that when they looked back they might have been wrong, and that they did want to be with their parents after all. It did take until their 20s though for some of them... Keep strong mate - all the best