MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Sitting having dinner tonight I was trying to get my 3yr old son to eat carrots by telling him the age old adage that they would help him see in the dark. He looked me in the eye and told me to "just turn on the lights". Can't really argue with that! Anyone else got smart assed kids?
Youngest son of an ex-girlfiend (Who is still a very dear friend!) ran up to me recently, in a church, before a christening for a mutual friend's son.
In a non-stage whisper, that only a child can muster, he shouted, "CFH, are you my mummy's boyfriend?"
It's rare that I am lost for words.
"why does that man have a black face?"
[i]In a non-stage whisper, that only a child can muster, he shouted, "CFH, are you my mummy's boyfriend?"[/i]
could have been worse
"CFH, are you my daddy ?" or "CFH, are you my daddy's boyfriend?"
About 3 weeks ago my 5yr old son spotted a dwarf in the supermarket. Unfortunately he was only about 5 yards away when he asked 'Dad, is that even a [i]real[/i] man?'
I think some of my subsequent advice must have sunk in, because when we saw a dwarf couple at Braehead yesterday all he did was keep looking at them and trying to follow them.
Klunk, later the same day, after the Christening, the self same child grabbed my leg, wouldn't let go. Would, however, scream, "Take me home with you!".
I feared the next sentence would be, "You're my daddy now!".
😯
Daddy why does that man look like a monkey.
Daddy who is jimmy savile
My two boys were having an indepth conversation today about hiding inside a girls vagina for years and years and years.....
I was chatting to a mate I'd bumped into in the supermarket, his wife and 3 yr old son were walking towards us when mum says to his boy, 'go run to daddy', he charges towards us and practically rugby tackles.....me!
Friend's daughter said she wanted "a pony with a strap on" for Christmas.
Her sister then wanted "a puppy with a strap on".
They may be surprised on Xmas morning.
In the swimming pool changing rooms Rose came out with 'look, man rubbing his nipples'. In the pool, she wanted to stand on the hot bit where the warm water comes in but a woman was standing there, 'lady, go swim up and down please'. Hmm, we have work to do I think!
One of my girls said that there was a 'half Marion' happening today - turns out she meant 'half marathon'... 🙂
Me: 'I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F'
My 4 year old: '****er'
Me: 'wha?'
My 4 year old: 'ha ha not really daddy, is it fish?'
Me: 'hang on a minute'
yossarian, i did an actual LOL at that 😆
At a party a few years ago, the hosts' young kid wanted to help so the parents had him go round handing out snacks. They told him to tell people they had cheese in them.
Cue the kid going round with a tray, then as the guests bite into an offering, innocently blurting out, "they've got jizz in."
I was told by my 2 and a half year old, with a proper beady eyed stare and pointing and everything
"You, need to forage for your OWN food"
Second time she has told me this week, I mean, I know times are hard but...
We got told by the pre-school teacher that at "circle time", where the kids share something with the group, our lad shared:
"when you go skiing, don't eat yellow snow".
No idea where he got that from!
DrP
By the pool in portugal a couple of years ago, my 3 year old son said 'I hope I don't get stung by an eskimo'. I assume he was talking about a mozzy as opposed to the business scruples of the Inuits!
I was explaining to my 6 year old daughter why I say 'bath' when she and the wife say 'barth' and she said 'It must be much easier to learn northern than english daddy, as you just say it like it's written' !!!
My wife was very proud of her!
Recently woke up to find my 2.5yr-old daughter's face about two inches from mine - "you have a lovely forehead, daddy".
Odd child.
When we lived in Oman, daughter (about 3 at the time) would look at locals, point and politely mention their 'Mucky Face!'.
at about the age of 5 my daughter said to me
"Whys it called an I-pod? It should be called an Ear-Pod. You don't wear it on your eyes."
I couldnt give a reasonable explanation.
Teaching my 3 yr old daugter big fish little fish listing to techno in the car she invented two more techno dance moves, little cow, big cow and little kitty, big kitty with appropriate moves she also makes the devil sign when metal comes on the ipod.
yossarian, i did an actual LOL at that
me too..
my kids don't do or say anything humorous as they are far too busy being geniuses
My 12 year old has just told me that she is the oldest she's ever been! 😀
My eldest boy used to say "round of the claws" instead of round of applause. We let it ride as it was lovely.
Someone else's kid, came up to Rose, who was holding her toy giraffe, and said
"that's a nice giraffe"... (thoughtful look)... "you could kill it and eat its meat"
Last weekend our 2 boys stayed the night with my parents.
The next morning my mum told me about a conversation she'd had with Ben (7).
Ben - Granny is cock a rude word
Mum - Not really it's just a silly word. It means a boy chicken.
Ben - Why would someone call other drivers a boy chicken?
Busted 😳
While at a christening, a friends daughter was staring up at the church roof all the way through the service. After a while of studiously surveying it, she nods confidently and announces "Yep. Definitely big enough to keep a giraffe"
My eldest daughter calls me turbine hill head. As if she was going to put a wind turbine anywhere, my big baldy bonce would apparently be the perfect site. I'm quite flattered that she thinks I have some practical use
Standing a in a que behind "yoof" with trousers round his knees.
"Daddy, i can see that man's pants!!!"
Stifled giggles from myself and other people in the que.
"Daddy, that man's got flower's on his pants!!!"
PMSL at that point.
Me and the wife were horrified last week as we were chatting with our boy about school
"i don't like Louis daddy"
"why not son"
"he's got a black face "
WOOOOOOSHHHHHH errrrm how on earth did he come out with that !!!!
My 2 year old daughter bolted up to a gentleman in a wheelchair and at the top of her voice went "why have you got wheels, where have your legs gone?"
Thankfully he thought it was quite funny and he actually took the time to explain it to her.
My 7 year old has been getting a confused introduction to the facts of life from other kids.
He came into lunch yesterday and told us there was a frog in our toilet as the tadpoles which came out of his wotsit had made it grow in the loo!
Dropping my 5 Year old daughter off at school the other day she starts to tell her friends mum (who is highly attractive) about her Daddy's willy.
Her: You know my daddy has a really big willy, its much bigger than Ben's (My 3 year old boy)...
Me: [i]Nervous laughter[/i]
Her: He can make it grow...
Me: [i]Look of shock and starting to go red[/i].
Her: It gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger......
until he can wrap it round a branch and swing from it like spiderman.
Me: Bursts out laughing and breathes a sigh of relief wondering where the hell she was going!
When the wife asked the 3 1/2 year old why the 18 month old pooed more than him, his reply was "Because he has shorter legs".
I can only assume he fathomed this because of me saying all his food had gone down into his legs.
Eldest (then about 3) used to point and shout in sheer astonishment at women in tights "That lady's got black legs!".
Since starting school this term my nephew has started to refer to anything that is a smaller version of something else (like his small toy bus as opposed to his large toy bus) as "Lower Case". Obviously got some of his dad's typographic genes.
At a pals house yesterday, his daughter asked:
Dad, are you a bastard?
I, and his wife, couldn't stop laughing! (this didn't help!)
😆
A friend's child after going to the loo
Mum: Did you wipe your bum?
Child: Yes
Mum: Anything else? - Hoping for washing hands
Child: Made a plan to defeat Emperor Zurg....
Actually, I've just thought of another...
My other boy came in the sitting room with a mark on his face. On asking how he hurt himself, his reply was "I jumped up and burnt my face on the light bulb".
Went to visit some relatives a while back with the (then) three-year old rocket jr.
The relatives have four daughters who have no concept of the word 'tidy' you have to watch your step when you walk in and move magazines/clothes/makeup/remote controls/plates/cups to one side before you can sit down. The house is like a bomb site.
As he walked in Rocket jr asked in a loud voice 'What's happened here?'
😆
My daughter has always had trouble saying and apparently hearing consonant clusters (she's 3). She used to say the word 'squirrel' a bit like 'swirl'.
Consequently, cinnamon swirls are known as cinnamon squirrels. We used to try to correct her but she wouldn't accept it, treating us with a sort of condescending contempt... "It's swirl" "No daddy, it's squirrel" "Meg, trust me, it's swirl. SwWWWWWWWirl" "Nonono daddy, s-KK-wirrel" and so on.
My 5 year old told me this morning that when he dies you will be able to see the bones in his willie.
When my then 6 year old was asked the question 'what are cuticles' at a school quiz, he put his hand up and answered 'they are the things that hang down when daddy puts his leg up on the bath when drying himself'.
2 year old son: Can I have a biscuit.
Me: What's the magic word?
Son: Abracadabra.
To the great embarrassment of my eleven year old daughter, and equally great amusement of my five year old son, my two year old son pronounces 'st' as 'd', which on dog walks gives us 'Dad look at my big dick', 'Alfie is biting my dick' and especially 'You broke my dick'.
Dad - I'm seriously cross
3yr Old - I'm happy
Driving along with my 4 year old in the back of the car;
A: Dad. How do you w*nk?
Me : What??????
A: How do you w*nk? Granny does w*nking
Me: What??????
A: I want to learn to w*nk
Me: ( looking in mirror at his face) Oh WINK.....you want to learn how to wink
A: Yes daddy
Ours walked into the room yesterday and announced he's got a big willy.
But not as big as Daddy's*....
DrP
*As one would hope.
My 5 year old told me this morning that when he dies you will be able to see the bones in his willie.
nob
Young lad about six years old walks up to me in the street.
HIM Hey mister can you give me a pound?
ME No I wont give you a pound
HIM But Im a student!
2 year old son: Can I have a biscuit.Me: What's the magic word?
Son: Abracadabra.
I vaguely remember doing that at infant school. They used to give away free milk at hometime, what was left over from lunch. I was sent by my folks to go and ask for some; all quiet and shy and terrified I meekly asked if I could have some, was greeted with 'what's the magic word' and was utterly perplexed as I'd never heard that phrase before. So I too said 'abracadabra' and was sent away with a telling off and no bloody milk. Miserable cow.
I pointed at an aeroplane in the sky and said to my 3 yr old 'We'll be going on one of those soon', to which she said[i] 'we can't, it's too small'[/i].
Mini-g (3yrs) is forever coming out with these, she just always answers back
Me - Stop doing that now, its not funny.
Her - It is a bit funny daddy, cue laughter from me
Me - Why arent you listening to me, whos in charge here?
Her - Mummy
On the prospect of the imminent mini-g v2.0 being a boy
Her - I want a sister
Me - It might be a boy?
Her - No daddy, sisters are girls.
Me - But what if its a boy?
Her - if its a boy I'm a chop it up in little pieces
Me - You're what?
Her - I'm a chop it up into little pieces and I'm a eat it like a ham sandwich.(worrying)
4 years ago when my big lad was 3 we were going to pick his mum up , pulled up at some 2 lane traffic lights left lane for turning right straight on and right in the right lane . The taxi on my left changed his mind and cut in front of me without warning, trying to be a good parent I shouted 'what' cue my lad from the back 'no daddys say for f***s sake' 😳
When i was little we lived in a tiny village outside Bawtry (about 12 house 1/2 of them owned by the local farmer for his staff). My mum took me on the bus to town and while waiting in the bus station a woman of African origin sat down cue little me 'mummy that lady looks just like my golliwog' my mum apologised profusely but the woman found it hilarious and agreed with me!
Last week my 4 year old girl asked, "daddy, can I have a blank piece of paper, I want to make a chart".
"what's your chart for"
"You said, if I keep picking my sister up by her head it will come off"
"can't you just stop picking her up"
"no and how many times can I pick her up"
When my son was four he's standing with Mrs Taxi in the queue at the local co-op. The get to the front and Chris looks up at his mum and asks " when is it humans mating season ?" Mrs Taxi is caught unawares and blusters a bit, but without missing a beat the woman behind the till pipes up " saturday night love, just after match of the day "
Me and the Mrs once travelled a considerable portion of the M6 trying to guess a 'P' at eye spy. This is the normal M6, the one that runs down the North West and through the Midlands.
Turned out the answer was Giraffe.
In a book shop buying a present for the wife. Daughter asks 'can i carry the book, daddy' - 'yes, i say, 'but we have to pay the lady first'
Furrowed brow follows, and then 'That's not a lady, it's a man'
Me, slightly flustered now 'No, it's a lady. Ladies can have short hair too'
'Well she looks like a man'
I paid and left the shop without making eye contact.
I need to start writing some of the gems down 🙂
Current favourites mispronunciations are:
Radigator - radiator
Sussketti - spaghetti
Draclier - Dracula
I asked the eldest where they'd been on a day out with Grandma, and got the answer "myreka". Bit of head scratching, then I realised he'd done a bit of linguistic over-reaching. They'd been to Eureka, which his Grandma pronounces "yourEka"..... 🙂
David becomes "Uncle Faydid" when my 2 year old niece comes to stay.
Makes me laugh anyway.
This morning, my 6 year old came downstairs and walked up to where the ipad was charging and whispered "I'm here for you iPad".
Friends son was very disappointed when he discovered he was going to be a shepherd in the school play, not a leopard.
Two things;
The other day I cut myself shaving, just under my jawbone. Kryton jnr ran to find mummy and shouted "mummy! mummy, daddy's cut his throat.
At the weekend I told jnr i'd be going away to Scotland this week for work. He asked "Daddy, what's Scotland for?" Naurally being english i didn't have an answer for him.
Mrs North to 2yo daughter: "Where did you come from?"
"Marks and Spencer"
Friend of mine took her small child to school. The class teacher came over and took her off to one side. "Do you mind me asking what you do for a living?"
"I'm a physiotherapist"
"Am I relived to hear you say that!"
"Why?"
They had been talking about jobs and what each others parents did for a job. Small child had said "people come to the house and mummy takes their clothes off and then they give her money" 😯
Offspring saw something about hypnotism - walked up to my dad, peered closely at him, and said (in a really panto voice) "Look into my nose!"
Almost right...
My little 'un has just come downstairs after a mansized visit to the potty, proudly proclaiming that he has created a 'giant beanstalk poo'
Sadly I don't have photographic evidence but imagine if you will a small satsuma in the base, with a cigar curling expertly up the side, and another joining cigar curling further up and out and over the side in an effort to reach the giant's castle in the sky..
his previous best creation to date was 'a chocolate chip poo'
what a legend
My 2yo has a nice line in brutal honesty.
When she first saw me squeezing into my bib tights she didn't say a word, she just pointed and belly-laughed. 😳
While explaining the fun that is 'hedge diving' me laddo exclaimed,"I like bush climbing!"
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My sister-in-law was recently doing the weekly shop with my 2 nieces in the trolley, one who's 3, the other just turned 1.
The 3 year old was happily jabbering away to anyone that would listen, when an old lady wandered passed and said to her "hello, and what's your name?"
My niece replied "Eliza"
"And what's your sister's name?" asked the old lady.
And in a totally deadpan delivery, she replied:
"Pancake"
favourite mispronunciation was my niece - hostipal
Best one was my eldest son when he was 2, used the Xmas tree to climb on to the arm of the sofa and cried out 'Jesus Christ the bloody Christmas tree has fallen on me!'
I've had a great laugh at this thread, cheers folks.
Since I started this thread and I'm Scottish, you Sir are on a yellow card 😉
Since I started this thread and I'm Scottish, you Sir are on a yellow card
Go on then, what is it for? 😉
I got asked by my 5 year old all about dying and what happens to the bodies and what goes to heaven, after my rather dodgy explanation he asked how we know what heaven is like, which got me completely stumped.
Amazing how much you just accept and how their questioning little minds ask really good questions that you're completely unable to answer
[s]Sat[/s]Stood with my daughter on the tube, huge skinhead of a bloke stood across from us covered in some nasty skinhead related tattoo's
Daughter, tugs at my arm and say.....
Dad, that man is silly (pointing at him too!) he has painted himself!
Skinhead guy, then comes over(thinking this is when Dad gets a kicking) and shows off his work and explains how tattoos are done, then as he leaves the tube, say....
'I am a silly man'
😉
My son announced that he wanted a willy that shoots honey.
And the purpose of Scotland is to give other nations something to aspire to.
6yr old crept downstairs when she was supposed to be in bed;
“What are you watching daddy”
“It’s a grown up film, go to bed”
“Can I watch it?”
“No it’s too late, go to bed”
“Can I watch it on catch-up?”
“No, it’s got grown up words, go to bed”
“Does it have the F-Word”
“No, Go to bed”
“Do you know what the F-word is daddy”
“Yes, Go to bed”
“It’s F*&^ isn’t it daddy”
She went to bed at that point.
Youngest daughter, 3, about a large (very large) man in a local cafe - said with great theatricality:
"That man is magnificent".
To which said (magnificent) man replied:
"Thank you, and so are you magnificent".
my daughter used to call a trampoline a 'bounceoline', which I thought was a definite improvement.
Yesterday she said (5yrs) 'why do people drive vans?', which was beautifully random.
Go on then, what is it for?
Ah Touche. Without wanting to hijack the thread the purpose of Scotland, along with the rest of England, N.Ireland and Wales is to bleed the City of London dry 😀 😯 :wink:o
My young god daughter helped me fix my bike for a while before going back to playing nurses with her dollies.
MrsWCA asks her if the dolly is okay.
She replies 'No, it is proper bo11oxed!'
I still don't know why I got the blame...