MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
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I've always farted a lot, occasionally it stinks real bad (by admission of mates). But recently its ALL the time, constant and really smelly to the point where its getting embarrassing as it can't be kept in forever.
How do you stop yourself smelling like a dead badger? My diet is on the healthy side of normal but nothing in particular seems to set me off, just everything.
No such thing as farting too much, the only rescue is a cork but then you have to worry about shooting people
I'm a bit like that today, but 8 pints of john smiths and plenty of garlic last night is probably to blame!
when i was in nepal i ate a garlic onion and cheese roll. No jokin, 30 mins later for the next 6 hrs I produced either a huge fart or massive belch at least every 30 seconds!God knows what was going on! I believe you can buy a carbon filter for your underwear if you are that desperate/smelly!!!
What I want to know isn't the causes of farting, but why do people appear to come from nowhere, [b]every time I fart[/b].
Supermarket, library, workplace, makes no difference - whenever I feel it's save to let one slip cause there's no one around, all of a sudden everyone wants to stand next to me.
What the **** is all that about ❓
Carbon underwear see the link
im like you jimmy, but nowadays unless im working in clinic i just let rip.
Hold on, you're a bloke... That means it is _impossible_ to fart too much.
If people are getting bored of it, just learn how to fart in a more musical tone, or practice lighting them. That's got to be good for a few laughs!
(tip: Always wear boxers or shorts or something when lighting farts. Never try it commando)
If you fart bad now, try SIS Rego after a bike ride followed by beans and egg on toast. Hours of entertainment for all the family. 😆
i had this once and, despite all of the above merriment, its not that funny when you are in important meetings, on the tube etc. the cause, i'm pretty sure, was a v stressful job (so it kind of served them right....) cos when you are stressed it messes up your digestion, and when you are nervous you swallow air too. you might be the most relaxed person on earth. just trying to help.
now not stressed i'm back to the happy medium of power farts for laughs, but not overwhelmed....
You need to turn it into something more positive. Everyone finds farting funny. FACT!!!! So you need to do the whole comedy, cocking your leg up, then letting rip like a huge german anti-tank gun
it has been said that I too fart too much! I don't agree of course I'm just normal!!
Healthy food = big bottom noise} FACT
Healthy food = big bottom noise} FACT
Not fact. Excess Farting = excess gas in guts, caused by diet/stomach problems etc. A few trumps a day is normal; loads of really smelly ones probably isn't.
Mind, I've known some veggies to stink to high heaven. Loads of beans and lentils- high sulphur content or something.
If it's really bad, I'd get down the docs. Make a not of what you're eating, too, as the key is probably in there.
jimmy. I excessive farted due to a reaction to pork sausages/bacon (additive?). Anyway, cut this out and I hardly ever trumpet now. Kinda miss it mind 🙁
If you far alot, its not good. You need to change your diet/balance.
Pro-biotic yoghurts seem to do it for me!
Nothing wrong with farting. Keeps the bed warm and putting the duvet over the mrs head and letting rip makes her get her arse out of bed and into the shower so as not to be late for work.. erm.. or so 'they' tell me!
I eat a lot of veg and sprouts are not just for Christmas, I'm farting a lot at the moment but my diets not chaged
worst thing i ever ate was dried apricots, the soft variety. got a big bag with the intention of making them last all week.
got bored at work and ate the lot
christ i fell asleep farting and belching, you could hear my insides bubbling, very funny now, but not at the time
Have you seen my thread on my Japanese Tractor? Have you looked at your feet balancing and had a engine-flush recently?
Is it "normal" to "like" the smell of your own farts?
"Like" as in not wanting to vomit.. and a having mild sense of pride !
Nothjing wrong with smelling your own brand and guessing what food it was that you ate... 😆
Garlic Chilli chicken with a side of sag bhaji and preceded by a sheesh kebab with onion salad, and pops with onion salad
my claim to fame is that after the above combination i made a couple of japanese tourists actually wretch and then run away outside a hotel in Stratford 8)
apparently some people just produce more sulphur (the smelly bit of farts) in their guts than others, nowt you can do about it
farts are like children - people only like their own.
Only one thing is certain:
Trumps make great threads!
😀
If it just the fact that they smell and are not really audable then i would suggest getting a dog to blame it on. It works wonders unless, like in my case, you get the blame for the mutt farting as well 🙄
I smashed my ribs in a carting accident a few years back, nothing broken but couldnt shift the chest pain for ages, so thouight I'd try out the new Chinese herbalist nearby. Long story short, the herbs worked but gave me evil smelling farts, so bad one collegue complained it burnt her nostrils, and I can proudly say I honestly emptied an entire train carriage with just one guff!!! I didnt stop laughing for days
I tell you what, though; I seem to have become suddenly afflicted with a particularly lively bout of wind. Think it might be those frankfurters I had for lunch... 😯
Ah yes, dried apricots... I ate a pound of them once and nearly had to head to A&E to beg for them to get rid of my cholic. Luckily a few hours lying in bed (with Richter Scale 8 farts) sorted it.
Proudest moment of my life so far? Making my ex-wife retch one morning with a perfectly time guff. It didn't help that I was laughing lots at the time. Did I mention she's now my ex-wife?
lol @ binners
>Everyone finds farting funny. FACT!!!!
>So you need to do the whole comedy, cocking your leg up, then letting rip like a huge german anti-tank gun
As RudeBoy said further up, you're probably having a bad reaction to something in your diet.
Yes, we fart, it's natural, sometimes more, sometimes less. But if it's all the time and they're always smelly, despite a healthy diet, it is probably something you eat that you're having a bad reaction too. For instance, I saw a dietician and it turns out that whilst I love brown bread, I shouldn't eat too much as it disturbs my gut!
2nd night of honeymoon the wife and I ate out at the 'Stinking Rose' garlic restaurant in SanFran.
We shared roasted garlic bulbs as a starter, I had garlic meatloaf and she had garlic tiger prawns as main, garlic ice cream to finish. garlic beer to wash it down.
The paint was peeling on the walls of our hotel room the next morning.
Everyone finds farting funny. FACT!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I love farting and it makes me laugh. But the curry and garlic kind of farts which you speak of, while awful, are mid-range for me. They're wind over shit. I was up a Monro over Christmas in 50mph winds and dropping them so dense and vile the SO was still wincing. Thats how bad it can be, and while she says she doesn't mind it kind of embarrassing when I wake myself up with the smell most nights (has coincided with her starting snoring!)
i think excessive farting is a bloke thing.......... 😆
you all just stink and love to share them with the person laying next to you in bed by wafting the duvet cover over their head and then trapping them!
another reminder of why it's good to be single 😉
This had made me laugh continuously for 5 minutes. Thank you kindly for sharing cholic capers.
aleigh - Memberi think excessive farting is a bloke thing.......... [:lol:]
you all just stink and love to share them with the person laying next to you in bed by wafting the duvet cover over their head and then trapping them!
another reminder of why it's good to be single [:wink:]
Ah the much touted "Dutch Oven" technique, always a winner 😉
how vile 😯
My personal favorite is the pull my finger trick, swiftly followed by a multi tonal fanfare.
Even better was that someone fell for it twice in succession
The pull my finger trick, well executed by Michael Caine in Children of Men with the neccessary childish giggle 🙂
*waves at Aleigh who's come back from her hols!*
Think you're right re the blokey thing, although I do/have know/n one or two 'Ladies who trump'. I'm not impressed. And don't see why any lady would be! On the rare occasions I am in the close company of a young lady, I try my best not to fart. It's just not gentlemanly! Mind, I did grow up in a Muslim household, where farting is very much frowned upon, as it is seen as 'unclean' (if you do fart, you are expected to wash properly, before praying). Call it weird if you like, just a different culture.
Having said that, I have happily let rip in the company of some close female friends, but it depends on how they react to it. I wouldn't do it in earshot of someone who I knew wouldn't appreciate it. 'Do to others' and all that.
As for a 'Dutch Oven, well, if you're prepared to suffer it yourself, and you have an understanding partner, then that's your call. Not very nice for the victim though, is it?
Got to admit I too am a little boy at heart. It is ****ing funny, sometimes... 😆
PS: My farts don't stink, fortunately.
What? No, they don't I tell you...
*waves at rudeboy*
as i am you're friend, do not get any ideas about sharing 'smells' 😆
PS: My farts don't stink, fortunately.What? No, they don't I tell you...
Erm, when your bowels are pretty full and you fart, it will stink regardless! When they're empty it's much more likely it won't stink.
The "Dutch Oven" was a joke, not ever done it nor would I wish to! Have accidentally let rip in my sleep and woke myself up with the smell indeed, but would never intentionally subject anyone to anything of the sort!
when your bowels are pretty full and you fart, it will stink regardless!
Not with me, it won't. Trust me.
Have accidentally let rip in my sleep and woke myself up with the smell
I am genuinely quite disturbed by that. Some of you lot should seek medical attention, immediately.
All this talk of abhorrent flatulence, infected rings and dirty bottoms; it really is quite worrying... 😯
You want to have the issue of wind when you are in the mountains, wearing salopettes and waterproof jacket then letting rip is not good the only way out is via the neck hole. Its particularly bad if the hood is up too
Don't worry, Aleigh; as I know you are a lady, and as such, finds male flatulence neither amusing nor attractive, I shall be mindful to clench, when in your gracious presence.
As all Gentlemen should. Sadly, My Dear, most men are naught but vulgar and disgusting beasts.
i do find it funny but not the dutch over technique 😉
As all Gentlemen should. Sadly, My Dear, most men are naught but vulgar and disgusting beasts.
Absolutely, but only when appropriate (which is most of the time to be fair)
still chuckling at the emptying a carriage tail. good work.
[i]still chuckling at the emptying a carriage tail. good work.[/i]
Thanks, still one of my proudest achievements to date..chemical warfare at it's best
Address tae a fart
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
As ye sit doon amongst yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face
Will have ye blawin' a' ower the place.
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot o' a rifle
Haud yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae reek.
But aw yer efforts gan asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon' the room
Michty me! A sonic boom
God Almichty, it fairly reeks!
Hope I huvnae s**t ma breeks!
Tae the bog ah'd better scurry,
Ach, whit the hell, it's no ma worry.
A'body roon aboot me chokin'
Yin or twa were nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.
Wis him! I shout with accusin' glower,
Alas! Too late! He's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stare
A didnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'r ye be let yer wind gan free
Sounds like just the job for me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty.
Ah, Rabbie Burns would be proud of that one. Needs reciting over a good haggis and the subsequent dutch oven on sunday!
In seriousness though, diet is a major factor and so is excercise. Some people have slight dairy or gluten intolerances so even if you have an average diet then cereal and milk for breks or bread and pasta will do the job for some.
I do appreciate a good loud guff, but the constant silent violent badboys are not so funny - i'm unfortunately afflicted. For me less gluten and a daily job seem to make a difference.
And yes where do the people appear from, only to complain about the smell...? Why do they do it again and again? Thought they would have got the idea by now.
Impressed about being woken up by your own smell though - that's a good effort mboy!
and by job, i mean jog...worth clearing up!
back to this one - whole bag of dried apple rings from Julian Graves yesterday = particularly sulphurous smelling ones. Interesting.
And I'd also like to pass on another euphemism for the Dutch Oven. AKA the 'Hugo Boss' - your fragrance, your rules.
This thread is still rumbling on then...
auldy- I LOLed!
In fact, I LOLed so much, I almost shat! 😯
how vile 😯
You say that, Aleigh, but then you came and read this thread!
How was Spain? You all nice and brown?
It was very good thanks. Drank a bit too much at times but otherwise behaved like a good young lady 😉 I do have a nice tan but was accused of it being fake yesterday! Like I'd do that 🙄
white bits?
Drank a bit too much at times but otherwise behaved like a good young lady
PPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!
Yeah, right!
I just ate a lovely egg mayo sarnie and am sharing an office with two others wotht he heating on. I'm not going home 'til I make some eyes water...
[i]white bits? [/i]
Yeah - and NO there won't be any pics!
I have you know Mr RudeBoy I am a very respectable young lady who would not give herself a bad name 😆