MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Subway (Eat Fresh!), Colorado
Plain Ham Sandwich please.
- We have salad on all Subs
But I don't want Salad
- Sir, we have salad on all Subs
OK.
....
- Do you want lettuce?
No
- Do you want Tomato?
No
Took a few more for the penny to drop
Met up with an old friend that I grew up with after a Facebook encounter. So we met in a pub having not seen each other for 16/17 years;
Me - 'how's your brother, Gary?'
Him - 'he's dead, you were at his funeral when we were 18'
Me - 'oh erm.......shite, yeah.....sorry about that.....any other brothers?'
Him - 'no'
Years ago talking to a girl at a local pub. Asked where she worked
Her: at such and such a hotel.
Me: Oooh the bloke that runs that is a right misery guts, basil fawlty would be proud.
Her: Thats my dad.....
Me: Aaaah
Last Friday it was Brest Cancer Awareness Day in the Office.. One of those dress up in Pink days and hand over dosh.. you know the sort of thing.
I made a special effort, no I did really. I found a pink T-Shirt, Rapha Jeans turned up to reveal the pink stripe, blah, blah blah..
1st meeting of the day.. "well done you", "Ahh thanks" I say, "you've made such an effort you should win the prize for best effort", "nahh, really? I think I look a bit ghey TBH"..
One of the other Manager is ghey..
I stumbled over my own tongue and went a pale pink with embarrassment for the rest of the day.
A good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says
"I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not - they are not all one colour!"
Looked at her quizzically "what the hell are you talking about"?
She points to a sign "It says No Yellow Pages!"
I had to pick myself off the floor 😀
The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we'd start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we'd never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who'd ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant - she got so squirm all over again!
Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.
Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered...
As a student after Xmas break, I bumped into a girl I knew and asked "how was your festive period?" 😛
I love all the ones saying "not me but" it's like going in to buy a jazz mag saying "its for my mate"
"I only drink on days that end in day"
I was pretty drunk though!
convert - MemberA good few years ago then gf (now wife) and I took a load of paper and card to the tip for recycling. I came back from doing the glass to her furiously going through the magazines and ripping out random pages before ditching them. Then she says
"I mean, how are we meant to judge if its ok to be recycled or not - they are not all one colour!"
Looked at her quizzically "what the hell are you talking about"?
She points to a sign "It says No Yellow Pages!"
I had to pick myself off the floor
The best bit was after a year of two of telling this story to friends, we'd start going to dinner at peoples houses and people we'd never met would start to tell us about this daft friend of a friend who'd ripped out the yellow pages! Brilliant - she got so squirm all over again!
If true you win the prize.
Not me but a from a friend a few years ago.
When there were lots of Firkin brew pubs around their middle strength brew was named after the pub. We were in a converted post office building so to continue the postal theme the pub was called the Philatelist and Firkin. I wanted a pint of their middle brew but my mate got a bit tongue tied when ordering and asked for a pint of Fellatio!
😯
OK, big 'dig yourself out of this hole' one from me 🙂
Little bit drunk at a huge and I mean huge wedding in London, got introduced to Prince Naseem (the boxer) who, I thought was a rapper!
He, thankfully, found it funny, guess not everyone is into boxing, which was a relief for me as some of his mates were not impressed!
When in Australia, it's best to find out that 'rooter' is a euphemism for penis [i]before [/i]ringing up your ISP to discuss possible issues with your hardware...
Heard a re-broadcast of the 7/11 bombings on the radio just as I walked into the room. Thought it was live. Posted it on here.Then suffered. Oh, how I suffered...
Oh I remember that. That wasn't your finest hour, was it? 😉
Of course it was! 😀
it's like going in to buy a jazz mag saying "its for my mate"
Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can't work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I'd get.
Don't know how it came up but a young secretary once piped up with a query to rest of the office "what exactly are beef curtains?"
Once I spent 10 minutes helping a gentleman of diminished stature buy porn. He asked me to pass him a mag from the top shelf and I did. Then he asked for that one to be put back and give him a different one. I was about 14 and to this day I can't work out if he kept going through them just to see how embarrassed I'd get.
Was his name Jimmy?
???7/11 bombings
or warwick?
Don't know how it came up but a young secretary once piped up with a query to rest of the office "what exactly are beef curtains?"
Not exactly daft but it amused me; but I used to work with a woman whose surname was Curtin. She rang us up once ranting about something, I told her to pull herself together.
As a student nurse on my second ward,I asked a one-legged man to hop over to the dining table for lunch.He never even registered it ,thank god,I still cringe when i think about it.
This thread has given me much pleasure so perhaps it's time I share a story
Was driving home one afternoon, about this time of year. We lived next to the park. Came across a very scruffy white van with two blokes hurriedly throwing stuff over the hedge into the park.
After a little thought on getting home I called the police to report the fly tipping.
A couple of hours later the door rang and a very polite young policewoman was standing there, she explained it was the local football club delivering timber for their charity Guy Fawkes night bonfire.
I work with someone who told me she was worried that one day she might wake up dead.
Don't think I've posted this, but I'm still absolutely mortified.
Was at a pub after work with a couple of colleagues - we'd done a pitch together and were regrouping. I was talking about the new dog I'd just got with the missus, a small pug. I had found it quite amusing that it seemed to local people walking their dog that me walking a small pug clearly meant I was gay.
So I was telling this part: "of course it is quite funny, because from the reaction I've got, walking a pug makes you look"
...and realised the guy I was sitting next to is quite camp, very stylish, possibly gay.
Somehow, my equivalent of "pull out, pull out, abort!" was to finish the sentence with
"...like a homosexual".
It was awful. The guy still clearly thinks I'm a tool, and I still cringe thinking of it.
Somehow, my equivalent of "pull out, pull out, abort!" was to finish the sentence with
I'm afflicted by this.
I was halfway through calling my girlfriend a complete cow, when I thought "wow, cow is a bit strong" so I tried to reword it on the fly. My brain, in freefall, managed to substitute 'cow' with 'c--t'. She didn't speak to me for two days.
The other one that springs to mind is in a pub, I went to order two big breakfasts with black pudding. On the way to the bar I noticed the barman looked to be of Carribian descent, very black skinned. I thought "I'd better be careful here," got tongue-tied halfway through and managed to blurt out "two blackfasts please." I then spent the next thirty seconds going "oh, god, I didn't mean..." and digging ever deeper holes, whilst the poor sod stood there with an "of course you didn't, sir" look on his face. FML.
when, I was about 12 once told an anti jewish joke (not that I really realised at that age) in front of a jewish woman.
Had it very politely explained to me why it was quite offensive. I was mortified, but politeness did shape my development, I'm now very aware of prejudice and the effect of stereotyping.
And I realised that most jokes that appear to rely on stereotyping can be just as funny with out
When I was a junior qs I once told someone I was a bum bandit, when I meant bun runner.
My father in law on watching the news about capital punishment commented that "they should hang them before they they kill them"!
My three year old little girl last week whilst walking down the street, on seeing an elegant lady clasping a Chihuahua "look Daddy, a cat!"
Years ago I asked the chubby 8 year old friend of an ex girlfriends sister why she was wearing a bumbag underneath her T shirt
A mate of mine decided to organise a bike ride along the Thames Path from Goring back to Oxford. When we got back he said it was an OK ride but was disappointed that there weren't any hills! (Think about it)
[quote=ChrisA66 said] (Think about it)
Hopefully not for very long 🙂
Out on a ride one day and one of the group always likes to ride at the back of the group. When asked why the reply was ' I don't like it when people come up my ass'
So much hilarity followed that we couldn't ride for laughing.
Oh yeah, a few years ago in a pub before the smoking ban. The health benefits of marijuana for those with dementia(?) had been in the news. Sat next to a table of pensioners. Start rolling a ciggy. One of them say something along the lines of "I hope that's not one of those funny cigarettes ". I reply with "that's your lot isn't it." Muppet!
Not me, but my best mates dad said at Christmas dinner " I dont think I've ever had a black cock"
They were discussing Hugh Fearnly Wittlessnessless 7 birds inside each other banquet.
My wife pointed at a hedge and asked me "what's that black bird called?"
She got the arse when I replied "yes"
A little while ago, at work we were discussing dress sizes of women and someone was trying to explain that a size 18 wasn't that that big...my rather loud response was "I don't know, size 18 is pretty f*cling chunky" just as a larger lady walked past. My so called mates at work wet themselves and the woman never spoke to be again.
A lady I used to work with had two kids, her youngest went through a stage of being obsessed with the word penis. Whilst getting changed after taking him swimming, he shouted "mummy, you've got a penis" at the top of his voice. She was mortified when they left their cubicle, with everyone giving her some very odd looks.
One of the receptionists at work used to get a bit muddled, she asked one person (who I think has normal sized nose)
What nose do you want to book a meeting room under?
To the pest control man - 'Do you get mats and rices living together?', when he turned up a few weeks later to check the traps and bait boxes she asked the same question again.
bloke who i used to play hockey with turned up for a match with a blood spot like the Japanese flag on the backside of his white shorts. Asked what happened he replied that 'i got nailed up the ar$e at work'
still gets trotted out at every awards dinner we do 7 years later
When i was in the RAF training to be a Police dog handler we were undertaking different scenarios; i was supposed to be on reception when a bomb threat came in by phone;so i go into the room and the phone rings before i sit down: i pick it up and some one says is that RAF somewhersville. Me;no i think you have the wrong number!!
In my defence i was 17 and i thought the exercise hadn't started!
Needless to say i had the **** taken for quite a while.
out walking the dogs or something, i dont remember, but the wife was looking up at the clouds and marvelling at the different shapes, cue brief explanation from me about the different types of cloud. " i wonder what the weather is like above the clouds" she says
asian tsunami 2004, wife proudly informs the whole office (we worked together at the time) she'd read it was "so violent, the world had actually shifted on its axles"
put my hand up her top to cop a feel once, as you do, "ooh" she says " you shirt lifter!"
So there I was out drinking, a little out of practice when talking to the ladies, chatting to a pretty girl & she asks quite innocently what do you like doing in your spare time.. my brain for some reason looks up desperately looking for the fun exciting answer, while I'm still considering the answer my mouth jumps to the rescue & offers 'Masturbation?'....
Visited NY and went to the WTC site with a (now ex) GF a couple of years after 9/11 (before the memorial stuff started getting built so it was a just an empty building site), she turned to me and (loud enough for everyone around us to hear) said "there's not much to look at is there?", I wanted to back away and pretend she wasn't with me...
On the first day of college the students we were all invited to introduce ourselves.
The lecturer asks one student what she liked doing in her free time.
Riding horses was the reply.
Anything else? was the follow on question.
After a couple of seconds the slightly embarrassed girl replied, no! just horses. 😳
Impromptu maths lesson with Mrs MTG's 13 year old daughter this morning;
Me, "What's the square root of 16 ?"
Daughter, "Er...2 ?"
Me, "No, it's 4"
Mrs MTG, "Think about it. A square's got four sides, so to find the square root of something, you divide it by four"
Not so much stupid things you have said as stupid things you have done on the work computer.
My old secretary was Dutch and bonkers. Her English was great with a good breadth of slang and swearing but the occasional word had slipped her by. We were having a discussion about furry Russian style handwarmers. We referred to them by another name. She burst out into giggles. We said – yes, they really are called that, let’s find a photo on the internet.
“Muff photos” is probably not the best thing to type into a search engine at work…
I was stood next to my bike waiting for my mate to arrive when father and late teen son MTBers stopped nearby. The son came over an started to ask me about SPDs, after I sang their praise the son said 'maybe I'll try one for this foot' (his left foot). 'It's not that hard, use both, you'll be fine' I replied. 'No I can only use one' he replied and for a few minutes or so we bounced backwards and forwards with me saying just do and him saying he couldn't. Whilst discussing I saw that his dad was getting increasing agitated and my mate (who had now arrived) was giving me strange looks. Then I noticed the son's false leg 😳
Another time I was walking by a canal lock with a girl I had just started seeing. Lock was filling up but we weren't at the edge so couldn't see the water. I asked the girl if she had heard about the recent tragic accident where a canal boat had sunk in a lock and the disabled children on board had drown. I then turned to see a canal boat with several wheelchair occupants on board slowly rising in the lock. What are the chances ❗
At an international telecoms conference in Cannes (back in Telecoms boom time) sat at lunchtime with a table full of mixed nationalities. Chatting quite loudly to the German guy opposite me I asked if he'd even been to the UK. He replied yes he'd been to Coventry on a training course, I then said bit of a dump isn't it, he said yes, I then said well we know who's fault that is. Talk about silence in the cafe..
Russell96's post reminded me of a pair colleagues who in a last minute panic to think of something to wear for the aviation themed xmas do made hats with the Coventry and Dresden skylines (they both had a WW2 obsession).
At the party the CEO had a tradition of going round asking people about their fancy dress. Unfortunately that year he was accompanied by the the German MD 😯 The first day back in the new year my colleague got called in for a chat.
“Muff photos” is probably not the best thing to type into a search engine at work…
Years ago, I'd been campaigning to get this new "internet" thing set up for our tech support desk as a research tool. After a couple of weeks of me hassling them, the MD dropped by my desk unannounced with a couple of board members in tow, and demanded a demo.
Off the cuff, I explained what a web browser was and how you could type company names into the address bar (this was long before google) with the www. and .com bits, eg www.ford.com. (EDIT - STW appends the http bits here <-- please ignore.) "For instance, we're having issues with our DTK motherboards at the moment," says I, "let's see if they've got a website."
So I typed in www.dtk.com and, at 64kbps ISDN speeds, the web page slowly unfurled for the Dressed To Kill fetishware and bondage site.
There's silence for a beat, and then the MD said quietly, "Yes. I don't think we'll be getting that."
I recently met Ellie Simmons at the opening of a swimming pool. A colleague was going around telling everyone how "down to earth" she was.
In the curry house one night my mate asked for a "chicken tikka banana". He was informed they had no bananas but he could have a bhuna instead.
We remind him every time we're out for a curry.
My mate was with his little girl in a shop when a dwarf comes in, she turns to her dad and asks why the little boy has a big head.
Couple of Not me Buts-
Lad on the phone at work trying to do the phonetic alphabet says "E for 'elicopter." Oh how we laughed.
A friend went to see The Lion King musical with his missus and at work the next day his boss asks what it was like, me mate gives it "Well, it was all a bit gay really." His boss is gay, my mate knows this, has done for 2 years. And it was the day he was having his yearly review. Whoops.
#Abstract
Although discordant karyotypes are known in identical twins, cases involving differences in sex phenotype are rare. We studied identical twins with the 46,XY karyotype - a male with mixed gonadal dysgenesis and a female with "pure" gonadal dysgenesis. The testis-determining SRY gene was present in DNA from both twins but no mutations were detected in the SRY conserved motif. Monozygosity was indicated by short tandem repeat polymorphism analysis. These observations could be attributed to (i) mutation and mosaicism involving "downstream" sex-determining loci, (ii) variable penetrance of genes such as DSS/NR0B1, duplication of which can disrupt the male-determining pathway, or (iii) occurrence of cryptic 45,X gonadal cell lines
That rather spoils my story. I was pushing my twins 6 months old, round Sainsbury's, probably feeling a bit grumpy as we were accosted virtually every five minutes by little old ladies cooing over the cute little blondies.
Littel old lady "Are they twins?"
Me "Yes."
LoL "What do you call them?"
Me "James and Emily."
LoL "Are they identical?"
Me "No, James has a penis, Emily doesn't"
Mrs Scape "Come on, we need bread."
A police officer friend of mine tells the tale when he was being taught the job by his tutor they went to a house where an elderly brother and sister lived together. The brother had died in an armchair watching TV.
Tutor "How old was your brother?"
Bereaved Sister "He was eighty six"
Tutor, looking at the body in the armchair "By 'eck, looks well for eighty six doesn't he!"
Yesterday, Christmas shopping, in Waterstones. A lady steps away from the till to try and find her loyalty card- I notice she's got no hands, both arms end just above the wrist. But she seems really indepedant and capable so I figure she's got this covered.
A minute or so later, she drops the wallet on the floor... So I think, time to offer to help.
"DO YOU NEED A HAND THERE?"
Northwind I have got to hand you that one 😉
Years ago on a night out i'd spent my taxi money and had to walk the 10 or so miles home in just a shirt and trousers. In the middle of nowhere a taxi driver stopped, said they were going my way and offered a free lift. The guy had long blonde hair and for some bizarre reason I said "thanks LOVE" as I opened the door, he though I thought he was a woman and got really offended. Needless to say I walked the rest of the way.
To a colleague at work:
"Can you answer my phone for me if it rings?"
Shortly followed by remembering that said colleague is profoundly deaf.
Website one here...
Work at an outdoor shop in Manchester. We were curious to see what Blacks were selling, and at what price, to keep up with competition.
So I typed in what I thought was the Blacks website, it turned out to be a ebony porn site. My manager said to me, "well they're giving it away for free. We can't justify that. Incidentally, maybe Google is best to find websites from now on."
I also said when I was younger, "if you can't hear the music, then listen louder." I don't think my family has ever laughed so hard. 14 years later they are still crying when we mention it...
she turns to her dad and asks why the little boy has a big head.
He's not big but he is clever?
A couple in sainsbury's - the guy picked up a feminine hygiene product and called over (very loudly) to his girlfriend (who was stood 3 or 4 meters away)
"here, why don't you get some of this for your smelly fanny?"
cue me burst out laughing to her horrified face 😀
edit- double post!
Following the maths incident on the previous page...
Mrs MTG's daughter has been writing lists of what she wants to buy with her xmas money.
I found one headed;
"Things to get", followed by;
"One Direction album £10"
"Next shirt £15"
and so on, so I added on the bottom "Maths O level, free".
She found my alteration and demanded to know "What's a maths zero level".