[Closed] Craving solitude.

I know that exact feeling. Sick of the rat race.

Suppose it depends on where exactly you live and how busy certain areas are. I'm lucky that within 5 mins from here on the bike, I could be in the town centre or the other way, sat on my own near a pond with no one around apart from the odd dog walker.

I still get bored riding the same routes. Yesterday, I put the bike in the van drove out somewhere quiet and set the Garmin for a 20 mile round loop. Nice to see things I didn't know where there before.

Just about to drop kids off at school then have the day to myself. Best time of the day is when I get back in and sit down in garden with a coffee.

Bliss.

I get my solitude most days as kids and wife are out all day. Don't think I could work in a full time job anymore. I am naturally solitary by nature and mych prefer my own company (wife and kids excepted).

Is this normal?

It's normal for you and to an extent for me. I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether it's a problem for you leading your current life and, if so, whether you need to change your life to suit or try to adjust the way you're thinking to make your life more pleasant / amenable. Counselling maybe?

Fwiw, as an ex-Londoner, I like a bit of background bustle in day-to-day life, but like riding on my own away from other people. Something like Cut Gate, at night, solo, in deep winter is paradise.

I guess the fact that you're posting this means that it is, in some way, an issue for you. In which case you might want to look at it more closely. But 'normal' isn't necessarily a helpful term. There's so much noise and buzz and information overload in our lives, that it makes a lot of sense that you'd want to avoid it.

Have you considered meditation?

Maybe get out on the back roads on a road bike. They are virtually empty most of the time. I know what you mean by riders and walkers. So much so that I normally now link up all the country back roads with the odd bridleway round where I live. 29er on semi slicks. Only see the odd roadie usually.

I'm surprised you find it so hard to find solitude. Do you live somewhere particularly densely populated? I live in a city but it can still be peaceful and empty in places and I don't have to go far into the sticks, especially on the bike, to be completely alone. If you really are struggling to find it then maybe a long weekend and a bivvi

Don't know if it's normal but it's how I am too. I work in a college too so pretty much have folks 'on' me all day.

It's also very difficult when in a relationship to get some alone time without hurting feelings, very difficult to convey this need to people who appear to need the opposite.

I'm struggling an awful lot with it lately op so I know where you're coming from.

Have you considered meditation?

I've tried this with Headspace but I get quite a short lunch break, loads of studenty noise going on around me and very difficult to get any sort of privacy.

Difficult 😐

Stick with the 20 minutes by bike. It's just taken me 1 hour 45 to crawl the 21 miles to work thanks to an accident on the M60. It's garbage commuting.

Boys gone to school, wife away to work, house guests all off out for the day... and I am not working today.

Absolute bliss!

May take a walk up the hill in a bit to get a Photo a Day project shot in, but the main plan is to have a bit of a time out and relax. Got a head cold to shift, and a couple of jobs on tomorrow!

solo nightrides
start extra late

does it for me

I'm very similar, it's normal for me. Being around people seems to drain the life out of me so I need to manage it correctly.

It's also very difficult when in a relationship to get some alone time without hurting feelings, very difficult to convey this need to people who appear to need the opposite.

My girl's mad at me
I didn't wanna see the film tonight
I found it hard to say
She thought I'd had enough of her
Why can't she see
She's lovely to me?
But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own
Every now and then

I love beautiful solitary places - but I need to be there with a friend or partner to enjoy them, but with no one else around to ruin our world.

I suspect this is a weakness, and admire my normally sociable mate who will go off and wild camp for a few days in Scottish mountains.

I suspect he knows himself better than I know myself.

Being around people tiring me out sums it up I think!

As for quiet spaces nearby? I live in Cardiff so every park and woods within a 15 mile radius seems to be full of dog walkers and runners, the popular local parks are always busy in even remotely good weather. Getting to somewhere remote is always a hassle as it involves fighting through the traffic to get to the Gower for example, even that is busy!!

I'm not depressed, went through that a few years ago. It's the constant erosion of any green space to be built upon at any cost, the way everyone is in a rush to get somewhere at the expense of everyone else, the whole the whole consumerist ideal I suppose too. Maybe I was spoilt growing up in the countryside where it was easy to escape in 5 minutes by bike, but even there it's getting harder to do so.

Good to know I'm not the only one to feel this way :-).

Oh and when I say I want to be somewhere remote, I mean enough to not see a soul for a day or two!!

There are always quiet places. Just need to find them

I live in Cardiff so every park and woods within a 15 mile radius seems to be full of dog walkers and runners

I also live in Cardiff and hardly ever see more than a few people on my bike rides. PM me I'll show you what I mean. You have tons of choice.

I mean enough to not see a soul for a day or two!!

Again easy if you have a weekend.

I definitely crave my alone time to varying degrees (more in winter, when SAD comes on) and have done for at least 20 years, Xmas week is far too sociable! As the years have gone by, I've gone from wanting "everything" on my doorstep to really loving the idea of living somewhere rural, away from the rat race and all these people and buildings.

There's a theory that extroverts gain energy from being with friends, whereas introverts expend it. It's probably navel-gazing twaddle, but I certainly find myself "peopled out" quite often.

It got particularly bad a year or two back. I was working in a noisy open plan office, and spending a lot of time looking after sick relatives. I barely got a minute to myself, and it was sending me quietly spare. Ended up grabbing a tent and sodding off up a hill for a night, did me the world of good just to do something selfish for once. The pretentious buzz-word for it is "micro-adventure" I believe.

I like that theory - fits for me.

And of course, there's:

Dante: "But you hate people!"

Randall: "Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

I live in Bromley and work in Basildon - so busy daily commute over the Dartford crossing etc.
I rarely get any quiet time as have a wife and two young daughters.

I guess I'm lucky as I manage to find the odd window of opportunity to get out for a ride, and can be on quiet country lanes within a couple of miles of my house.
There are a couple of nice spots I often stop at, just to soak up the surroundings.

As the kids get older (they're currently 6 and 9) I hope to be able to escape for the odd overnighter (and maybe more) my wife is pretty independent and has her own stuff to do, so won't mind me doing my thing.

so, yes, I crave solitude and enjoy the odd moment I get.

[quote="milky1980"]Is this normal?

Yes, i hate people as well. So does my wife.

We emigrated so we could get more empty space and still have decent paying jobs with a reasonable commute, and somewhere nice to live.
All but impossible in the UK, especially in my field.

It's now 50 metres to the treeline and 5 minutes walk to get out of earshot of the village, such as it is, and far enough away that you could go for several hours without seeing anyone.

My Mrs has always reckoned that without her I'd become a hermit.

I do need the occasional time away from folk and that's not hard living where I do. I used to live in London but can't cope with it for more than 48hrs now.

I'm also happier in small groups. Large gatherings freak me out and I tend to recede into the background. It probably doesn't help that my hearing makes it difficult to follow one conversation amongst many.

It's normal for you and to an extent for me. I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether it's a problem for you leading your current life and, if so, whether you need to change your life to suit or try to adjust the way you're thinking to make your life more pleasant / amenable.

This for me.

Quite recently a reevaluation has revealed there's a lot I can do for my own well being and contentment whilst still living the corporate "dream". Its relatively easy to exclude your self from the news, social media - here even - and focus on whats important for you. Take more time, counselling, study mindfulness, and find simple ways to alleviate the "rush" - I'm even mindfully brushing my teath / making coffee of late.

Its also important to realise as human beings we are inherently selfish, and if you don't control your own life & ambitions then others will do that for you whilst pursuing theirs.

According you Myers-Briggs* I'm an extrovert.

But I do go through periods of time definitely wanting to be an introvert. And, in fact, the more time I spend alone the more I want to be on my own.

For me, it's slightly odd: I live in Lancashire and work in London 3-4 days a week. I'm in the world's greatest city (according to commentators), but because I'm not spending time with friends and family I tend to lead a slightly solitary existence. By the time I get home, rather than wanting to immerse myself into home life, I continue to crave solitude.

Partly it's because spending time away from home means I can;t engage with the things I want to do at home. But also I think that solitude craves solitude.

Maybe OP you should actively engage with other people. That way, when you do get quieter moments, you'll notice the relative peace and quiet much more.

*make of that what you will.

I used to live in London but can't cope with it for more than 48hrs now.

Funny - I identify strongly with some of the things on this thread, but not others - I quite like London, for example.

I think I crave company of just one or two other people. I ride alone mostly, and I love to ride with one or two others, but I find group rides pretty difficult usually (with the exception of the MNPR which I really enjoyed).

Like OMITN I am often away, and whilst I do really miss my family, I also appreciate the peace and solitude of my hotel room. Problem is that when I'm home I feel obliged to pay lots of attention to my kids which means I don't then get to head out far into the hills, which I also want to do!

spot - Member
start extra late

Half 9 start for me, which is great, miss the 8 to 9 carnage! 🙂

 Being around people seems to drain the life out of me 

I'm the same. Haven't got a stressful job or anything but just the day to day stuff like driving to & from work and dealing with idiots on the roads and then dealing with people at work all day just leaves me drained.

All I want to do when I get home is have tea when I feel like it then chill out and either ride my bike, listen to music, watch tv etc

None of this is possible with a girlfriend and a toddler in the house though 😆

I massively got this when I lived in London, and I could go for days without ever being more than, say, 10m from the nearest person. It wasn't interacting with people that tired me out, just the constant physical proximity and inability to create any distance. Running on Hampstead Heath normally sorted my head out.

following this thread with interest.

Feels like I am at the point where going back to living alone is the only option.

At the moment I virtually live with my girlfriend but still rent a room in a house where I also keep my bikes.
It means I normally get about two nights a week on my own which I frikkin love.
I think it's very important for some people to have this space but seemingly, it's never been a high priority for any girlfriend I've had.

Bagging a night on my own for my head space (not the app) usually takes some sort of half truth, followed by regular update texts to try to ease the guilt I feel but know that I shouldn't... 😐
Difficult to maintain that level where you can keep the one you love happy, but also yourself...

I think it's very important for some people to have this space but seemingly, it's never been a high priority for any girlfriend I've had.

I think this can often be a security issue, I've had it with a couple of (ironically) now-exes. "I'm not coming over tonight, I've got xyz on." - "Oh, and xyz is more important than me is it?"

Your girlfriend might be the most important thing in the world to you, but unless you're Party McPartington they need to understand that there are other less important but still interesting things in the world too and it might be nice if everyone just pissed off and left you alone for five minutes occasionally. Living in each other's pockets 24/7 to the detriment of spending time with friends or on your own isn't healthy.

Having your own space is important. It is that down time, contemplating time.
I really struggle, as work in school is manic all the time, then when I get home the OH is always in. She struggles with depression in the winter months and does not go out much, and sometimes all I crave is to sit on my sofa, put some music on and relax.

I feel kinda bad for saying this, but she starts a new job in Yeovil at Easter, so will be living down there for 4 days a week, but I am looking forward to it in many respects.

I've always found fishing and night rides to be my downtime.

Me and the Mrs often end up sitting on the sofa, watching three episodes without saying much in the evening. But it's downtime, and we are still sharing space and activity.

(But we are discerning about what we watch and don't watch junk)

I reckon the reason I'm a solitary person is cos I'm an only child and have always been pretty independent. I like the theory above about extrovert/introvert theory. Really resonates. I always thought being relatively solitary was a flaw when I was younger but as I got older I was happy to embrace it. There wasn't enough space in my life for wife and kids, solitary time and friends so one had to go. Of course, being lifelong friends, it'd be easy to reintegrate myself in the future should I ever need/want to.

I just enjoy my own company too much.

I did a lot of walking on the canal when i was in uk. Full of nature and v peaceful, also i reckon everyone else is there for a bit of peace so generally respectful. After c 30 mins you get q lost in your thoughts. Even in big cities you can search out a quiet spot

I am happy with my own company, usually ride alone and like the solitude. Happy to be in a group at pub/restaurant and talk very little. Depends on the group. Much happier in the countryside (was brought up in small villages mainly) than a city (bizarre really that I have worked primarily in London, NY, Singapore - was never my plan)

It's probably navel-gazing twaddle, but I certainly find myself "peopled out" quite often.

Ditto that.

[img] [/img]

Somewhere in the Pacific 🙂

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laysan

That's definitely no Virgin Island.

Fayu... looks nice

[img] [/img]

https://www.google.co.uk/maps/ @8.5510928,151.3392233,8374m/data=!3m1!1e3

I ride alone a lot of the time, safety aspect aside, most people don't get it. The first question someone usually asks me when I say I've spent the day in the Black Mountains or wherever on my bike is "Who with?".

I think some people see it as a bit weird, but I just don't see that I need to do everything in a group, or with anyone else, I'm quite happy in my own company. I like the solitude normally, also I don't like waiting for people on bike rides much.......

As a slight aside I work remote from our main office, either from home or in a shared satellite office most days, with a big chunk of the day driving around visiting various customers, so I'm used to being on my own most of the time really.

Weirdly, or perhaps not, I seem to like solitude less when it isn't of my own choice.

I need solitude in my life - being around people constantly tires me and leaving me feel very claustrophobic.

For the last 5 or so years (up until last year) I've taken myself off sailing on the west coast of Scotland - take a pile of books, a good few hours worth of podcasts and a bottle of whisky and disappear for a fortnight to the remote crinkly bits.

Absolute bliss.

Unfortunately my new partner doesn't understand this need at all, she just cant comprehend spending more than a couple of hours alone through choice.

We've came to a bit of a compromise in that I have been doing a bivvy a month for the last year and continue to do so - it provides me with much needed solitary time to recharge the batteries...

Ah good, everyone on this thread sounds perfectly normal to me. And to the 25%* of the world who are like this. I like you all already. Even if you are a bunch of serial killers you o appreciate the value of quiet.

Although to about 75%** of the world, we're solitary weirdos.

It's problematic in relationships. I am finding. I need time alone, every day, at least a couple of hours. I don't get it, I get wound up. With two kids I often don't get it.

* might be a made up number but you get the idea
** as above

Not fond of people and much prefer riding a mountain bike or motorcycle on my own, I probably need 2 hours a day on my own. My missus just hunts me down in the house,workshop, garden, 8 acres of land to see if I am "all right"

Partners tend to see it as a rejection..