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A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.
The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Where do you get camel milk from?
A dromedairy.
My old maths teacher was terrified of negative numbers. He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
A girl in my office has been visiting a personal trainer for a year now in preparation for her wedding.
I thought "how long is the aisle going to be?"
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I remember the first time I used my Universal Remote Control; amazing. I thought "this changes everything"
I went to the Black Country Museum last weekend and visited the working blacksmiths.
When I asked if I could have a go at making a horseshoe he asked me if I’d ever shoe'd a horse before.
I replied “no, but I once told a donkey to eff off”.
My grandfather drowned in a barrel of varnish.
it was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
What sits on your shoulder and says "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A parroty error
What sits on your shoulder and says “pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?
A parroty error
That's one of my all-time favourite geek jokes.
I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'd get it.
I was on a night out at the end of last week when I spotted Elton John, so i punched him square in the face.
He called the police and had me arrested, the two faced bastard!
I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.
You'd better tell me the TCP joke then.
I saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall yesterday on the motorway hogging the middle lane and had no option but to undertake them...
I passed the Duchy on the left hand side.
What is a Shih tzu?
One with no animals in it.
I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.
I got offered a job on the back of that joke... A classic
What's an 'ig'?
An igloo without a toilet.
DrP
Two Whales got out of a Van wearing shorts and helmets
i soon realised they were Bike Park Whales
^^
Ah, that old chesnut. My granddad used to tell me that joke when I was a wee nipper..
DrP
Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?
You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation
How d'you get two whales in a Mini?
Down the M6 to Liverpool and turn right.
503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
502.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open door, put elephant in, close door.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
The giraffe. He's still in the fridge.
Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators, with no bridge and no boat. Sally swims across safely. How?
The alligators are all at the party.
Sally dies anyway. Why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick...
Eskimo 1 "Whats for dinner?"
Eskimo 2 "Vera Lynn Burgers"
Eskimo 1 "Oh no. Not whale meat again"
I realised the other day that I use words like "moreover," "therefore" and "however" far too often. I think I must be suffering from conjunctivitis.
I found the origami porn channel, it was pay per view!
I'm learning to speak Indian at the moment. Sari seems to be the hardest word.
I'm going to Greenwich this week. Not sure what to do in the meantime.
You are on a desert island with three natives…One always lies, one always tells the truth, one tells lies and truth as he sees fit. They can only answer “ya” and “da” but you don't know which is “yes” and which is “no”.
The question is... Why didn't you go to Center Parcs like last year?
Man says to wife" my bumhole is really burning "
Wife says" ring sting"
Man" what the **** will he do about it"
I’ve got a big weekend ahead of me - I’m entering the world’s tightest hat competition.
I Just hope I can pull it off.
Man says to wife” my bumhole is really burning ”
Wife says” ring sting”
Man” what the **** will he do about
<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">it”</span>
Well, he does work the black seam.
Typical. No-one’s turned up to Camouflage Club. Again!
It's Wednesday.
Why don't ants get corona virus?
Cos they have anty bodies.
How do you know when you e been threatened by the existentialist mafia?
they make you an offer you can’t understand.
I know a 26"er joke, but it's not up to modern standards.
During lockdown were locksmiths classed as key workers?
Guy goes to the doc not feeling his usual best, the doc says first things first we need a urine sample,faecal sample and a semen sample
Can I just leave my pants at reception he replied
I'm giving up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?
What's another name for a thesaurus?
Did you hear about the agrophobic homosexual? He came out then went back in again.
My bathroom sponge won't have anything to do with me. Then I realised, I'd bought aloofa.
My friend told me to cheer up, and that it could be worse.
He said you could be underground in a hole full of water.
He means well.
My friend just broke up with her longtime boyfriend because she found out he was a communist.
She should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My mate has just been been sacked from his job with the council roads department. He had been stealing some of the equipment and taking it home.
It came as quite a surprise when I first heard, but thinking back to the last time I was at his house, all the signs were there.
A snob, an Islamophobe and a glutton go into a pub and the barman says, 'What will it be Boris?'
11 year old son told me this the other day
What do you call a bunch of transgender women?
The X-Men
I just saw Elvis at the customer service desk in B&Q
Returned a sander.