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What’s pink and hard?
Pig with a flick knife
Bloke goes into a pet shop and asks “Have you got a Manx cat?”
”No,” says the owner “but I can make you one.”
Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
because he wanted to see her crack
...
What do you call a sarcastic cowboy?
Tex Piss
I've got a dog called blacksmith
Every time I kick him up the arse, he makes a bolt for the door
I also have a pet salamander called Tiny
He's my newt
Are you a planet? Because you're pulling me towards you.
I told my wife a joke about bukkake but she didn't get it.
It went straight over her head.
Have YOU been made to walk 500 miles?
Were YOU advised to walk 500 more?
YOU may be due compensation - call the Pro Claimers NOW
Been hit on the head by a rhythm stick?
You might be able to claim for a personal Ian Dury.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers
My son was really dissapointed at school yesterday,as a birthday treat another child gave out some Haribo from it's Star Wars collection,he thought they were too Chewy.
I found out yesterday, my distant relatives are from Glasgow.
They're all dead now of course, so I'm going to try and contact them using a Weegie board.
My neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.
I used to like Massey Fergusons but I've gone off them.lately.
I'm an ex-tractor fan
from a similar thread running in B3ta at the moment
What bees leave you paralysed and violated?
Cos-bees
I, for one, really enjoy a roman numeral based pun.
What do the films Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
How did the cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did.
Unfortunately, all the others came in at 12.30.
How did the cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester
Well, how dairy.
If he had done it in Wales then he would have had to have done it caerphilly
Have you heard about my tiny amphibious lizard?
It's my newt.
(say it)
I've just had a sex change operation to change me into a woman. It was so successful I'm still trying to reverse out of the car parking space at the hospital.
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
When vultures fly long distance, do they take carrion luggage?
My wife is worried that I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid but I reckon I can stop any time I like.
Went to the zoo.
In one enclosure was a table with freshly made toast on a plate!?!?!?
The sign said it was bread in captivity
Sorry been done
What goes down but doesn't come up?
A yo.
What’s the difference between genital herpes and true love?
herpes is forever
My latest T shirt slogan is, Autistic children rock!
What did the horse say to the legless jockey?
How are you getting on?
I hope that one day we can rid the world of plagiarism.
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
I'm off on holiday next week which is causing me some concern because every time I go through customs I have to have a drink.
I'm borderline alcoholic.
I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.
I thought, he's pushing his luck.
I took two stuffed dogs onto "Flog It."
The expert examined them and said,"They're a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after."
"Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?"asks the expert.
I said, "Yes. Sticks"
My car failed its emissions test today.
Absolutely fuming.
Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa?
Sandals in the bin.
I paid a dyslexic working girl fifteen quid the other day. She took me round the back of the Co-op and cooked my sock.
I have weird hay fever. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The doctor asked if I was taking anything for it, I said, "yes, pepper."
Sad news..
At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.