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The penguin had his bail reduced.
The judge determined he wasn't a flight risk.
Whats brown and sticky?
Parcel tape
The owner of my local Chinese takeaway has been delighted to announce that his wife is expecting their eighth child.
All of their children so far have been girls, but Mr Wong is so sure that it will be a boy that he has decided to name him in honour of his favourite American president.
Personally, i don't share his optimism.
As everyone knows, two wongs don't make a Dwight...
when Harry Houdini was young and learning his trade, almost every trick he did involved a trap door.
Trap door trick here. trap door trick there.
But it was OK... it was just a stage he was going through.
A young lad asked his dad if he could explain what a solar eclipse was. The dad replied, "No son."
What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell
Husband and wife at home of an evening.
Phone rings
Husband answers it, listens briefly, says "Why would I know? Call the Met Office!" and puts the phone down.
Wife says "Who was that honey?"
"No idea, some idiot wanting to know if the coast is clear"
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Man walks into a bakery in Glasgow and says: "Is that a donut or a meringue?" The baker says: "Naw, ye were right the first time."
What's pink and hangs out of your pyjamas? Your feet.
What's pink and hard in the morning? The FT crossword.
What's long, thin and pink and goes into tarts? Rhubarb.
My old dad used to say: "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more." Lovely bloke - terrible anaesthetist.
Wife says to husband 'I've just found some bondage magazines under our son's bed, What shall we do?'
Husband says ' I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him'.
Apparent!y loads of people missed the deadline to sign up for
free self-harm counselling sessions at our local village hall.
Bet they're really kicking themselves now....
Why do valley girls always use odd numbers?
Because they can't even.
My new car starts beeping whenever I park it near Ginger Cake.
Apparently, it's got parkin sensors.