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Bloke goes into the doctors and says "I'd like you to look at my penis." So the doctor puts on a a pair of gloves and tells him to drop his trousers. After a couple of minutes of close examination she says "Well, I can't see anything wrong with it. "
"I know" says the bloke "It's ****ing magnificent isn't it!"
Two cannibals eating Bernard Manning. One says, "Do you think this tastes funny?"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can count in hexadecimal and... oh, f the rest!
What's the difference between an ontologist and an entomologist?
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An ontologist knows the difference.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in an enclosure; the zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.
Another joke about bread. Bin done...
I posted this joke a few months ago, but it is worthy of a second outing...
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
There is a sausage and an egg in a frying pan,
The egg says " its hot in here"
The sausage replies " **** me, a talking egg!"
ignore that last one, it's saturday
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"
oh! nevermind,
2 Parrots on a Perch
One says to the other, " can you smell fish?"
@GlannQuagmire - Scandanavian - hilarious. Far too good for this thread.
I'm only eating bread and trilbies at the moment.
I'm on a loaf hat diet.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp....
He bought a warehouse.
A man goes to his doctor because he has a lettuce sticking out of his backside.
“That looks nasty” says the doctor.
“It’s the tip-off the iceberg"
"Don't worry says" the doctor "I'll put a dressing on it"
A man walks into a pub
ouch
it was an iron pub
Did you hear about the dyslexic girl?
She choked on her own Vimto.
Why did Nivea Cream? Cos Max Factor.
I've been happily married now for 20 years. O knew she was keeper the moment I met her .
She was wearing massive gloves.
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In took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad took me to one side and said "Good work lad, I reckon she's a keeper."
"That's nice Dad, " I replied "what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant shit."
My granddad was killed by a Zulu.
He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof fell on him.
I took a shortcut through the cemetery this morning and saw a man crouched down behind a gravestone.
"Morning" I said
"No," he replied "I'm having a shit."
How do you find Will Smith in the Arctic?
Fresh Prints.
This chap said to me "Shall we talk about diaries"?
I said "Yes, Letts".
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Here's a bit of advice. Advi.
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Was anyone else sick of all those Commonwealth Games athletes banging on about all the sacrifices they've made and the thousands of hours of training they've done? I mean what is it these people want, some sort of medal.
I don't know what all the fuss about same sex marriage these days...
Me and the wife have been having the same sex for years
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
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José and Hose B
I just hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper when wiping.
But other than that I am really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home.
I spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave this morning....
Bless her! She thinks i'm digging a new garden pond
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator - but only a fraction of people will find this funny
How do Mexicans keep warm?
they use chicken fajita’s!
what kind of bee’s make milk?
boobies!
what d’ya call a Sikh who likes karaoke?
Gerrupta Singh!
I gave my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
My grandad died last week, we'd just rubbed lard all over his back, he went down hill fast after that.
I went to a new Indian restaurant in Cheam village last night called Karma.
There are no menus, they just give you what you deserve
Following on from the Indian restaurant I decided to become a fruitarian; I can eat anything that “falls from a tree”.
So far today I've eaten three cooking apples and an owl.
Little Johnny walks into school on Tuesday after being absent on Monday.
Teacher: Where were you yesterday Johnny?
Johnny: Sorry Miss, Grandad got burned?
Teacher: Badly?
Johnny: Yes Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium.
Help! I'm covered in chameleons and no-one believes me!
Social media eh? I'm not sure if I understand this trend of celebrities trying to “break” the internet with high volumes of traffic.
Last week it was Kim Kardashian who Tweeted a number of selfies. She didn't break it but apparently she did leave a large visible crack.
I have a chicken proof lawn.
It's impeccable.
There's a nudist convention in town next week.
Might go along if I've got nothing on.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
I thought these jokes were supposed to be crap
Some cracking jokes here, keep it up 🙂
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What’s black and white and moans?
A nun with a monk on.
I started up a yacht building business in my loft.
Sales are going through the roof.