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All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. The police have nothing to go on
You are traveling at a constant speed. To your left is a shear drop, to your right a fire engine, directly in front of you is a helicopter and behind you there is a flying horse.
What do you do?
Get off the merry go round
What do you call a Chinese woman with a foodmixer on her head?
Blenda.
Van Gogh sitting on the pub. His mate comes in and says "Vincent, do you want a pint?"
"No thanks," says Van Gogh "I've got one 'ere."
Pavlov sitting in the pub and the bell rings for last orders. "Shit!" Says Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog."
What cheese is not yours?
Natcho cheese.
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie
What cheese can hide a horse?
Marscapone
What cheese can you tempt a bear out of the woods with?
Camenbert
What cheese says hello in the mirror?
Halloumi
How do you handle dangerous cheese?
Caerphilly
What cheese do cyclists take with them?
Paneer
What cheese is made backwards?
edaM
Pavlov sitting in the pub and the bell rings for last orders. “Shit!” Says Pavlov, “I forgot to feed the dog.”
This is one of my favourites.
Who's the coolest dood in the hospital?
That would be the ultrasound guy.
But who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultrasound dood's not about?
Why, that would be the hip replacement guy, of course.
Once upon time in a purple universe was a purple planet and on this purple plant was a purple land with purple houses were purple villagers lived and there was a purple hilltop, on this purple hilltop was a purple kingdom, in this purple kingdom, past the purple gates, up the purple path through the grand purple doors guarded by purple knight, sat a purple king in a purple throne room on a purple throne with his purple queen also sitting on a purple thrown.
One day the purple king throw a meeting for the people of purple in his purple meeting room in his purple palace. and he said to the purple people of purple
"Purple people of purple I propose that I will give the greatest reward ever in the history of this purple world to the purple person that makes me the nicest tastiest purple beer in the entire purple world I have ever tasted in my purple life"
So one purple villager takes it upon himself to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world, so leaves the purple meeting room through the purple doors past the purple gates down the purple cobbled path to his purple cottage down his purple stairs leading to his purple cellar where his purple beer making machine lives, and makes the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and so leaves his purple house runs up the purple street to the purple kings purple palace throw the purple gates, past the purple doors to the purple throne room and presents the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and the purple king takes a sip of the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes "blurghhh!! Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the whoek entire purple world I've ever tasted on my whole purple life. Okay purple person I will give you one more chance to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whoel entire purple world ive ever tasted in my whole purple life."
So once again the purple person of this purple land left the purple palace down the purple street to his purple house down his purple stairs to his purple cellar where his purple beer machine lived and one again made the nicest tastiest purple beer ever in the entire purple world. and so he leaves his purple house runs up the purple street though the purple gates pas the purple guards that lead him to the purple king on his purple thrown in his purple thrown room in his purple palace. Th epurple person once again present the purple beer and the purple king sips the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes...
"blurrrghh. Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the enitre purple world if ever tasted in my whole purple life, Thats it you purple person have direspected this purple kingdom and everything purple this purple land represtents! Purple guards take tjis purple person the purple dungeons!"
So the purple guards lead the purple person across the purple thron room, across the purple hall to a purple door that lead to purple stairs where purple degeons were and the purple guard took out a purple key put it in the purple lock, open the purple door, turned to the purple prisoner and told him...
...'INDEGO'
A man goes to his doctor because he has a lettuce sticking out of his backside.
“That looks nasty” says the doctor.
“It’s the tip of the iceberg” says the man.
Have you heard the latest from the Commonwealth games?
The Isle of Man won the three-legged race.
My Scottish friend Hamish is getting married in the summer. He told me that he is going to wear a kilt so I asked “what’s the tartan?”
He replied “she’ll probably be in white”.
My uncle died last week at the age of 104 … we were all very upset – we were only half way through the bumps.
For Binners; I read in the news that Greggs are employing bouncers. I guess they want to keep out the unsavoury!
A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the Champions League final on 26th May. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
I was in the hotel restaurant and the waiter asked me if I'd like any toast. "Yes please," I replied.
"White or brown?"
"All toast is brown, that's bread you're thinking of."
A Jamaican guy has made a home movie about eating a quiche with no French fries.
He called the film, "Good Pie, Missed De Chips."
What do you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his front door?
Hamish.
Many people were appalled that Big Ben was going to be stopped for repairs, but is that horror logical?
"Dad, why did you call my sister Teresa?"
"Because your mum likes Easter, son. It's an anagram."
"Cool, thanks Dad"
"No problem. Have a good day at school, Alan."
Two women are looking at dresses through a shop window.
"That's the one I'd get" says one to the other, pointing at a dress.
A Cyclops then emerges from the store and kills them.
Two peanuts walking through a park late at night, one got assaulted.
Two owls playing pool, the first owl accidentally hits a ball with his wing, he says "two hits" the 2nd owl says "two hits to who?"
Cheers all, some fantastic jokes here!
It has certainly made my Friday more enjoyable 🙂
“No problem. Have a good day at school, Alan.”
@cougar - that is brilliant in so many levels and if I recall correctly, in your case, at least two generations,
Well played sir.
You have a good memory and quite correct (three generations actually).
Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bar man: for you, no charge
I phoned the drugs helpline today and the automated message said 'for information about cannabis press hash.. .'
I pat the risk of sounding thick, I don’t get the ‘have a good day at school Alan ?’ One?
Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bar man: for you, no charge
Two atoms walking down the street. One says "blimey, I just lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the first.
"Yeah, I'm positive."
...and the bear said, ‘you’re not here for the shooting are you...’
Did you hear about the farmer that won the Nobel prize?
he was out standing in his field.
What’s the best thing about ****-ing twentyfive year olds.
Aah, just got it ( was going to say oh shit I’ve just got it - but that might make it worse!).
in my defence I am on my third glass of wine!
Enjoying Hamish at the moment
'misses
Bloke goes into the doctors and says " Doc ..overnight I've got this growth on the end of my nose and I can't explain it "
The doctor takes out a magnifying glass and upon inspection says " Oh yeah ..its in miniature ..but there is a golden beach with clear blue water a mountain in the background with a cascading waterfall & clear blue skies "
Bloke says .."Have you ever seen anything like this before "
Doctor "Yes and you have nothing to worry about ..its just a beauty spot "
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say sorry.
What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming over the hill? Swim
there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who dont
What lives on the serengeti and comes in pints?
Elephants
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't and those who knew this joke was in ternary
How do you confuse an idiot?
Purple
What's 40ft long and reeks of piss ?
Conga dance at the old folks home
What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died? Nothing.
what's brown and sticky?
my Beyoncé poster
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to change the bulb while the other one holds his penis - err, no, ladder
I was in the hotel restaurant and the waiter asked me if I’d like any toast. “Yes please,” I replied.
“White or brown?”
“All toast is brown, that’s bread you’re thinking of.”
Not getting this one. Is it another film reference?
How many Big Hitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one. They just hold up the bulb and the whole world revolves around them.