Crap Joke Friday

Just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

just got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn't putting enough shifts in.

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

I had a Polish friend who was a  roadie. And a Czech one too.

Stolen from Popbitch

How many perverts does it take to fit a light bulb?

One, though a full A&E department will be required to remove it.

Someone asked me how much I know about atoms. Very little.

"Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?"

"No son."

just got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

And I was fired by the clock factory. Said I wasn't putting enough hours in. And then I was fired by the calendar factory because I took a day off.

I was at a stag do last weekend. A scantily clad woman came out, took her clothes off, turned them inside out and put them back on again. Turns out she was a Mobius stripper.

Taught my dog to play the trumpet during a trip on the London Underground. Went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.

My nephew's four year old lad can't speak Spanish,I mean that's poor for four.

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

Did you hear about the Spanish illusionist?

Uno, dos, disappeared without a tres

Last night I saw a dominant, flying mammal covered in letters; I think it was an alpha bat.

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

I had a ham and pineapple baguette for lunch.  That's Hawaii roll.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Deja.

Deja who?

Knock knock….

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

Camembert.

So this joke was the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe

Comedian Mark Simmons was voted the winner with his gag: "I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.”

but I think it’s earns its place here

I saw a capsized boat today. It was tiny.

Never leave sulphuric acid in a metal beaker. That's an oxidant waiting to happen.

I went to the gym yesterday and noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Anyway, long story short, they made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

I'm going on holiday to Malaga but the only Spanish word I know is "muchos". I'll still try to use it while I'm there, because I think it means a lot to the locals.

Passengers on a diverted flight from Gibraltar to Glasgow were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Bob gets his joke book out...

Posted by: johnx2

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Bob gets his joke book out...

I'd have fallen at the vasectomy gag, totally didn't see that coming.

I made my fortune investing in stocks. 

I’m a bouillonaire 

BMW have stopped all exports to the US due to tariffs.

There was no prior indication of the move.

I’ve just learned that the idea for the ‘Mortal Kombat’ series of video games came from a Scandinavian church song!

Yep, a Finnish hymn.

I stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone earlier that evening.

Then it dawned on me

School holidays started on Friday and I've had the shits all weekend

thanks **** their mum is taking them to centerparcs tomorrow

I've got a 65 inch flat screen tv for sale. £50 if anyone is wants it. Buyer collects. The volume button doesn't work. But for that price you can't turn it down...

According to Facebook I did this "on this day" nine years ago (and according to me it took me bloody ages for a pretty lame gag):

I’ve just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It’s brilliant! It comes with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi king’s men.

My old Chemistry teacher once threw sodium chloride in my eyes. That’s a salt, that is!

Railway museum is closed next week, they're organising a replacement bus museum..............

Sadly, the inventor of predictive text passed away recently. His funfair is next monkey

As I get older I find I only need three shops: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Life is just one long round of specs and drugs and sausage rolls.