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What do people with two right feet wear?
Flip flips.
What do you call a french man who likes sandals? Filip Flop
I found out the other day, the first documented example of "charity" is Ancient Egypt. It's where we get the word from.
Money intended for their leaders was instead set aside for the poor. They were the first not-for-prophet organisation.
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Not a joke but actually true:
I was just reading an advert for a security job working on the railways. One of the listed prerequisites was a proven track record.
Someone somewhere is having a right old giggle about that.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't!"
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Getting older is tough, my wife now calls me Tim Henman as i never get more than a semi
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
I really liked that
I've just had the sinking realisation that I don't know many Motown puns. Four tops.
I've shortened the rope on the bucket they use to collect water in the local village..
That didn't go down well.
What's the difference between a magpie and a penguin?
You can't fit a magpie in a biscuit tin
Which Japanese food is always looking down?
Shusi
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.
VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: I'll be Bach
I met a Mobius Strip one evening, sitting alone, sobbing inconsolably
"whats wrong?" I asked
"where do I even begin?"
I had a Polish friend who was a roadie. And a Czech one too.
Stolen from Popbitch
How many perverts does it take to fit a light bulb?
One, though a full A&E department will be required to remove it.
just got fired from the keyboard factory. They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.
And I was fired by the clock factory. Said I wasn't putting enough hours in. And then I was fired by the calendar factory because I took a day off.
I was at a stag do last weekend. A scantily clad woman came out, took her clothes off, turned them inside out and put them back on again. Turns out she was a Mobius stripper.
Taught my dog to play the trumpet during a trip on the London Underground. Went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour.
My nephew's four year old lad can't speak Spanish,I mean that's poor for four.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Did you hear about the Spanish illusionist?
Uno, dos, disappeared without a tres
Last night I saw a dominant, flying mammal covered in letters; I think it was an alpha bat.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I had a ham and pineapple baguette for lunch. That's Hawaii roll.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Deja.
Deja who?
Knock knock….
What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?
Camembert.
I saw a capsized boat today. It was tiny.
Never leave sulphuric acid in a metal beaker. That's an oxidant waiting to happen.
I went to the gym yesterday and noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.
Anyway, long story short, they made a formal complaint and I'm banned for life
I'm going on holiday to Malaga but the only Spanish word I know is "muchos". I'll still try to use it while I'm there, because I think it means a lot to the locals.
Bob gets his joke book out...
Bob gets his joke book out...
I'd have fallen at the vasectomy gag, totally didn't see that coming.
I made my fortune investing in stocks.
I’m a bouillonaire
BMW have stopped all exports to the US due to tariffs.
There was no prior indication of the move.
I’ve just learned that the idea for the ‘Mortal Kombat’ series of video games came from a Scandinavian church song!
Yep, a Finnish hymn.