MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
ok been trying to sift through this one for a while in my head and not getting very far in how to deal with it. One of my best mates hit me with a bombshell a few weeks ago that up til about 7 months ago he had been having an affair for about 18 months. He is married with a couple of small children, things had not been great at home etc etc, what started out as harmless flirting, led to a bit of banter over lunch, led to the odd cup of tea after work and more in depths chats. She was unhappy in her marriage and then one day it just happened. He said she made him feel wanted and cared for even though he new it was so wrong. She was older and then left her husband after about 6 months into the affair, apparantly this had been on the cards for the last few years.
He said that he realised about 2 months after this that it was not what he wanted but by this stage he was the main emotional support for her and she was having quite a tough time with the ex and life in general and so it kinda of fizzled out in intensity but still carried on for about another 10 months. Thorugh this stage it was just long chats and phone calls to support her. They then both realised it should end and then did so.
He then went on to explain that the last 7 months have felt like he has had the stomach wripped out of him, missing her, wanting to move on but not able to, feeling really shxxty for days and weeks on end. She has got a new fella but they still see each other at work and both have very srong feeling for each other.
He more than fully understood what i thought of the whole situation and that it was a terrible thing to do but i also know that i am the only person who knows about it and he needs some support to cope with the mess he has made. He can't decide whether to tell his wife and risk wrecking her life or taking the easy option as he said and hoping she never finds out.
So having made my views clear any help on how to be a friend and support him as he picks his way through what seem like a whole host of very raw emotions and guilt would be good.
It is your duty to rip the p*** out of him relentlessly from now until your dying day.
Is his wife hot? - if yes you know what to do!
Cowards have affairs, he needs to MTFU and sort out the shit he's caused. 'Fess up, then move on (leave by the sounds of it). He's an immature idiot by the sounds of it.
All IMHO of course.
In my opinion - all you can do is be there for him... From your post you seem to be able to adopt a non- judgemental position despite your feelings, which is positive. Also he seems to be someone of some importance to you as you seem prepared to be there for him. I think you would feel dreadful if you left him to it. Perhaps just continue being a good mate and keep listening and spending time with him.
No concrete advice, but just try and be there a someone for him to talk to. You dont have to agree with what he says, but it'll help him out.
I was in a similar situation recently. A good friend of mine was sleeping with a married man while she was also in a long term relationship. I made it clear that I couldnt agree with what she was doing, but tried not to judge and was there when she needed someone to chat to to help get things sorted in her own head. In the end it all came to a rather messy end with a lot of hurt feelings and broken relationships on both sides, but I imagine it would of been worse had she not had me to talk it through with.
glupton i think this will take place after some time, i was shocked by the state he was in.
cletus yes hot, i was really shocked when he told me partly due to that, no thanks though, married and having seen the mess he was in i'll stick with the one i chose she does it for me.
I thought you were going to end your post with..
'How do I tell him, I have been having an affair with his wife too'
OP I know the 'friend' is you and you feel guilty and confused. My email is markhoracekuk@yahoo.com if you want to talk.
He should go and see a counsellor by himself and hopefully come to an answer. Telling the wife might cause far more grief than not, but he certainly needs to sort his head out.
I would listen to him, then deliver some fairly straight-up home truths about his behaviour. There's no point in any of us surmising what might be best as none of us (apart from you) knows what his situation is like. His wife might be absolutely horrible to him all the time and possibly forcing him into the arms of others. He might be an absolute grade A bastard who just likes a new toy every so often. Who knows...
Anyway, I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?
I've given up drinking becuase my wife is expecting to drop any second, and when she does, I don't wnat to be too drunk to drive her to the hospital.
There's a bottle of 2007 Rioja Reserve on top of the fridge and a bottle of Mount Gay XO on the shelf next to it, my 2 favorite tipples.
I haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.
Catch my drift?
Dr Peters:
"YOU make your choices. Then YOU live with the consequences. Whatever you do don't beat yourself up over those consequences, thats a waste of energy. Use that energy to manage those consequences (either good or bad) in the best way you can."
[i]I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?[/i]
This.
What would John Terry do?
Oh goody! Back in to the world of everything-is-either-black-or-white, self-righteous, moral-high-horse-riding, indignant posturing
binners - Member
Oh goody! Back in to the world of everything-is-either-black-or-white, self-righteous, moral-high-horse-riding, indignant posturing
Indeed. He's wrong, and needs to live with the consequences of his decision, but DezB is right, don't poison the rest of the family to try to alleviate his guilt.
The End.
I haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.Catch my drift?
Oh yes, the similarities are just startling!
Well done you for being able to avoid becoming emotionally attached to a bottle of alcohol, you must be so pleased with yourself.
It's his decision, only he can decide.
peterfile - MemberI haven't drunk it, becuase I care enough for my family to have enough discipline not to do so, even though I've been massively tempted at times.
Well done you for being able to avoid becoming emotionally attached to a bottle of alcohol, you must be so pleased with yourself.
It was a euphanism, for brainy people.
like others i cannot see any benefit in telling his wife except to rid him of guilt.
As for the rest be a mate and help him to decide if he wants to stay married or not.
I suspect he's using the bottle of wine as an analogy, but anyway...
binbins has a point - none of us knows why any party is acting in the way he or she is acting.
It was a euphanism, for brainy people.
If that was your attempt at a [i]euphanism[/i], you definitely don't fall into the category you were appealing to.
DezB - Member
I reckon you might be best telling him not to tell his missus. Why should he assuage his guilt by shitting all over her life?This.
This and he's a massive tool.
I've been judgemental so you don't have to.
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He can't decide whether to tell his wife and risk wrecking her life or taking the easy option as he said and hoping she never finds out.
He should be honest, man up and tell her. All our lives, we are faced with decisions, all of which have consequences and it is our responsibility to face up to them like the men we are. It may be devastating for the wife and she may be in need of support, and as true friend you can be there, lend a shoulder to cry on, be supportive, do what you can, then what you want.
unless she isn't hot, in which case tell him to stop whining and just get on with it
euphanism
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
I think tails is right - Counselling is the first place to start. He needs to find out why he had the affair, IF the reason is that he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore, then he should do something about it, but if not and he still wants to be with her, put it to one side. A confession might ease his conscience but wouldn't help him in the long run, be glad he's had a lucky escape and put more effort into making his relationship with her work.
If he intends to stay with his Mrs and has learnt his lesson, he should not tell her. It will do no good.
It's his decision, only he can decide.
and make potentially the wrong decision?
Men and women who fall into the trap of affairs aren't thinking straight. They enter a world that seems exciting, fantastic, 'us against them' and 'others wouldn't understand us/our situation'/'its not like that'.
Affairs sex can be more explosive, intense and fun than sex with him or her at home. Not because the affair'ees have magically found the most amazing, intune **** in the world- just because its illicit it seems naughty, fun and an emotional roller coaster.
Yes- you can meet the person of your dream and yes your own relationship may be at an end however the flipside is the affair may skewer your view on reality OP. Reality becomes boring and the affair makes you zingy, guilty, alive and ....confused.
peterfile - MemberIt was a euphanism, for brainy people.
If that was your attempt at a euphanism, you definitely don't fall into the category you were appealing to.
Lol, this:
deadlydarcy - Membereuphanism
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Sorry, its been long day of reading documents over here *points* and STW over here *points again* at the same time.
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics 😉
If I ever have an affair, it's going to be with hora. And binbins. Together.
IT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
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😉
glupton and cletus spk the most sense 😆
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics
Yes I read it Mister Superior Pants. 😛
He'll still feel guilty if he tells her, he'll just feel guilty with Tefal stamped on his forehead and a dented frying pan that's useless for cooking bacon...
That means guilt..pain..and no bacon....
Not good. 😥
What was the question again?
peterfile - MemberIT WAS A FRIKIN' ANALOGY EVERYONE!!!!
Please see my uber witty response AND use of italics
Despoite being dim, I got it Peterfile. 😀
I have the strangest....
Biggest problem he'll have, if he doesn't tell his wife, is doing it again.
But yeah, for the sake of his FAMILY he should live with it privately.
peterfile - Member
What was the question again?
The bacon's run out, what to do?
What was the question again?
Should the OP tell his mate to tell his fling's ex-husband that she's now seeing women.
DezB - Member
But yeah, for the sake of his FAMILY he should live with it privately.
+1
The first rule about Affair Club.....
Sometimes you just have to let folk sort out their own sh*t!
You were there for him the first time, why should you be there again when he still hasn't sorted out his life?
it was definitely Anal ogy
He should tell his wife. Then its her choice as to whether she wants to live with a cheating bastard or not, not the cheating bastards.
If the OP really wants to empathise with his mate he should go and shag his mate's wife.
bloody Jehovah's were around again today, i asked them what they thought of this and basically its easy, tell him to contact the lord, ask for forgiveness and bosh, job done, he can crack on...
I've got so much dirt on my best friend from years back (nobbing his wife's sister, sleeping with ladies who um, require payment etc etc) but we are older and i hope alot wiser than we were in our 20's so its all in the past.... leave him to it, if it starts affecting the kiddies fess up to the wife as they are numero uno and should be the first priority
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I can understand the temptation of an affair. But my advice is "If you ain't happy with what you've got, then MTFU and change it!".
If the OP really wants to empathise with his mate he should go and shag his mate's wife.
Harsh however how would the transgressor feel if hes wife turned around and said 'look honey I've been having sex on the side with Malcom from Accounts'.
It was a metaphor wasn't it? 😉
Do the Munson laugh and carry on riding.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
He's trying to dump half his sh!t on you, great mate.
even though it's not, it's 'a euphemism'.
With a bit of work, it could become a parable.
How ironic
Or even a sinile.
all of your answers lie in the first two responses that you got..
glupton1976 - Member
It is your duty to rip the p*** out of him relentlessly from now until your dying day.POSTED 3 HOURS AGO # REPORT-POST
Cletus - Member
Is his wife hot? - if yes you know what to do!POSTED 3 HOURS AGO # REPORT-POST
How ironic
Yeah, like rain on your wedding day.
I feel let down, in that STW as a hive mind has not recognised the possibility of blackmail in this situation 🙁
Remember this; There are many men in the world who can be your best friend, but some other bastard might get to the bike shop and take the last Santa Cruz!
Nice friend you have. Not only has he done the dirty on his wife, but now wants to paint himself the victim. You only have to be loyal to friends who deserve it you know.
And it will all come out eventually, perhaps that is why he is trying to recruit you to his team now.
It was a euphanism, for brainy people.
No, I think a euphemism is for brainy people.
Not sure what a euphanism is for, I'm assuming it means analogy for not so smart folks.
Genuine question - how does anyone find the time to have an affair?
stop posting on stw
😀
* cancels STW account *
the thing is, if you can honestly say you'll never do it, then you can judge. and seeing as no one can see into the future (apart from david icke)stop judging. as for telling the wife, if he doesn't, it will probably wreck the marriage anyway, but its up to the friend if he wants to be honest, and he doesn't sound like he is. the end. officially.
Your friend is a selfish knob. Tell him it's his mess so he needs to sort it out. It's not fair to drag you into it and he married his wife so it's his decision whether he tells her or not, he doesn't need your input unless he wants someone to pity him or put the blame on later down the line. You can't support someone like that because they'll just keep wandering around banging on about how confused they are and wanting what they can't have. It gets boring, it's repetitive and draining. You're clearly already worrying about it because you've posted on here. Just ring him and tell him its his mess, leave you out of it 🙂
Is his wife [s]hot[/s]in ownership of a v@g!na? - if yes you know what to do!
I love the smell of sanctimony in the morning. Some of you never seem to make mistakes in life, have perfect marriages, total mastery of your feelings, and never doubt the correctness of your actions. Like bloody robots. God help you if you malfunction cos your not going to be able to forgive yourselves.
Amen
High 5 all round then tell him to MTFU...he knew what he was getting into and knew what he was doing so sort himself out!
buzz-lightyear - Member
I love the smell of pu$$y in the morning.
Amen
Edited to get back OT....
Your friend is a selfish knob. Tell him it's his mess so he needs to sort it out. It's not fair to drag you into it and he married his wife so it's his decision whether he tells her or not, he doesn't need your input unless he wants someone to pity him or put the blame on later down the line
If this really is his friend. If it is you may also be shot/in trouble if he does 'fess up to his wife as you knew and said nothing...if she finds out. Someone who was a friend of mine fessed upto me that he nailed two hookers (unprotected) whilst on holiday with his new wife. I was gobsmacked, she was more a friend than he was and he put me in a terrible position. I couldn't say anything to her but I couldn't stand being near the bloke anymore.
Everyone makes mistakes in life. Its learning from them and moving on. Does he wife NEED to know? If your friend would draw a line under it and invest some real quality time in the marriage. Then no.
Tell him you value his friendship but if he wants to share his dilemmas the trade off is he listens your advice.
Cake. Eating it. Etc.
Not sure how anyone could even consider living a lie like that personally. Sure, I can see how it goes in the short term (shit happens), but anyone keeping something that big, completely quiet in the long term...well, I'd put them at the lowest ranks of the human order.
[i]Sure, I can see how it goes in the short term (shit happens), but anyone keeping something that big, completely quiet in the long term...well, I'd put them at the lowest ranks of the human order. [/i]
Without knowing the people involved, there's know way you [s]can[/s] should make that judgement of them.
If this really is his friend
Well OP if you are saying 'friend' when you really mean you then I would suggest you man up and tell your wife that you broke her trust and cheated and give her chance to get rid of you and be with someone who respects her enough not to jump into someone elses knickers. Whatever happens now the affair will taint your life going forward and you'll always be on edge wondering if she knows or it has crossed her mind or that the OW might turn up one day. You might even start to judge your wife by your own standards and start to suspect her of cheating too or end up accusing her of it to alleviate your own guilt. So there.
Well OP if you are saying 'friend' when you really mean you then I would suggest you man up and tell your wife that you broke her trust and cheated and give her chance to get rid of you and be with someone who respects her enough not to jump into someone elses knickers. Whatever happens now the affair will taint your life going forward and you'll always be on edge wondering if she knows or it has crossed her mind or that the OW might turn up one day. You might even start to judge your wife by your own standards and start to suspect her of cheating too or end up accusing her of it to alleviate your own guilt. So there.
A womans angle...
A mans, fancy a new patio?
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Affairs happen because people are complicated and relationships are complicated. There's no way that anyone without knowledge of the specific complications of the people and relationships in question can give proper advice on how those people should act.
Some very helpful things been mentioned so thanks for those they have helped me sort out how i am going to deal with this and thats been helpful. Have just had lunch with my mate, mainly to see how he is doing, listen to him at this stage and ask a few pertinent questions. Although on paper it seems like a black and white issue of he has done wrong and thats that, i don't think life is ever that clear cut, and that good people are capable of doing things they would never have dreamt of and behaving like txxts, but that does not nec mean they are like that in everything or can't learn from errors. Yes he has done wrong and my stance on that has not changed but there is nearly always 2 sides to every story and so having thought that through i'll support him best i can. He is a good mate, and affair aside, a good husband and father, these things i can vouch for from what i've seen over the years.
He has said the hardest part is that he sees her every day day at work and they don't hate each other but still get on well, he misses the emotional support he was for her.. I asked him if he would go back if she wanted him to and he said no, he still has strong feelings for her but could never go back and has told her so. I asked him if he ever thought of leaving the family to which he said no, loves his wife (i know why do it then), loves his kids, and explained that he never went looking for it just didn't say no when it happened. He also said that after a lot of thought he would only leave his wife because their relationship had totally broken down, if not he would always be wondering what if.
I think i know him well enough to know that he is being genuine and realises what a huge mistake he has made and that he is having to deal with that now. He has told me that he is putting all his effort in at home to improving his relationship there and that things have been a lot better from both sides for the last few months, both had things to improve on and that there are ways to deal with and not deal with it.
I have told him i won't make decision for him or with him about how he deals with stuff and whether he should tell her or not, but rather i will listen to him and he can ask for advise on things. I did tell him he needs to move on as best he can at work though without being rude or making work difficult for either of them.
Nice one wan-ga. Sounds to me like you're a good mate to have around.