MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Bear with me. I'm not the best writer in the world and I'll try and keep it brief. It was kinda prompted by flashy's thing about his old man kicking cancer into touch...
Anyway, 25 years (and a day) ago today, it was Ash Wednesday. That's kind of a big deal in Ireland (well it was back then) - it's the beginning of lent and a period of religious fervour, with fasting, daily mass and all that shite until the glorious release and bingefest that was Easter Sunday.
An immature 14 going on 15 year old was studying English poetry for his Intermediate Certificate - our equivalent of GCSE. You've probably guessed that it was me 🙂 I'd just watched Liverpool losing 1-0 to QPR in the League Cup (damn that synthetic pitch of theirs)...after my mum had relented and "let" me watch the second half in the kitchen. My dad was watching it in the front room.
I'd sulked back into the side room to do my homework etc. dreading the bit where dad would come in and tease me mercilessly about Liverpool losing the game before heading out for his customary Wednesday night pints with his mates. There was no sign of him. Mum, wondering why he hadn't left, popped into the front room to find him, overcoat (always a Crombie) on, lying on his back on the floor - looking very very grey. I've always imagined that I sensed something was seriously wrong before I heard my mum's screams - but I'm sure I've just made that up. We both got on our knees, hit him, shook him, screamed at him, to no avail - we found out later from the post-mortem that he was more than likely dead before he even hit the floor.
The next few days and weeks were (and still are) a bit of a blur. Dad was a popular guy (something I've never achieved 🙂 ) so we had a seemingly endless stream of visitors to offer their condolences, a few days of a very big funeral - the Irish method involves a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth but is very cathartic in its own way, ended by putting him in the ground. I'll never quite forget the burial - we had around 4 or 5" of snow - a rare event in that part of Ireland. I went from moments of utter grief and torment to absolute numbness - where I would feel nothing. At all. For days.
And so I began Life 2.0 - without any kind of practice. No warnings. No chance to say goodbye. Thing is, I'd never got round to working out whether my old man was a nice bloke or a ****er. Noone ever tells you. I thought I'd have plenty of time for that. At 14, he's still a bit of a figurehead rather than a person and a friend. Of course, everyone who ever knew him told me he was the soundest chap they'd ever met - but they'd say that anyway. I lost most of my friends - apparently, I "grew up" a little bit too quickly for some of them - cheers lads. But, I made some great friends too. My teachers didn't know what to do with me for about a year. All I wanted was to be treated like anyone else.
On the whole though, I'd say he was one of the good guys - my mum says that the older I've got, the more of him she sees in me. This brings a tear to my eye - sometime a happy one, sometimes a sad one. Sometimes, simultaneously both.
I often see threads here where people agonise over relationships with their fathers. I wish mine was still around for me to agonise over. If ever life gives you a second chance with either of your folks, then grab it and see where it goes. I'm not counselling absolute forgiveness, but you never know - you might not get the chance to say goodbye.
Nice tale.
I've a feeling that life will always be too short for sons to fully understand their fathers. I found out lots about mine after he died and can't work out why we never discussed these things while we had the chance.
Gosh darcy, pretty emotional stuff there. Must have been so hard for you to have lost your Dad at that age. Boys always idolise their fathers but take comfort that he was well-liked and people said good things about him.
Treasure your memories forever.
I will be saying my final farewell to my father on Tuesday and it's going to be a seriously tough day. Even now I'm shedding a few tears.
I Agree about the last part, I lost my father just over 18 months ago I still miss him and think of him most days.
Life 2.0 is a perfect way of describing it
Happened to me a few months before my 3rd birthday.
Different kind of impact.
Must have been so hard for you to have lost your Dad at that age.
&
as cynic-al says:
Different kind of impact.
Shit whenever it happens - just slightly different shit.
But thanks for your kind words. 🙂 Just feeling a bit shit about it this weekend - I think because it's now 15 with/25 without. Nice round figures to define things by.
As much as I disagree with your view of Eire rather often, this tale makes me think you are human. I don't know what it feels like to loose a parent, yet, I know, and although I don't think mine is close to me I dread the day.
I don't think anybody would disagree with your saying:
If ever life gives you a second chance with either of your folks, then grab it and see where it goes. I'm not counselling absolute forgiveness, but you never know - you might not get the chance to say goodbye.
BTW It is a good piece, you can put thoughts into written words.
this tale makes me think you are human.
Cheers fella. 🙂 We all are underneath all the micky pullling 😉
It's these sorts of posts that I hang about here for. Something real, honest and truthful. Nice one DD. I hope I don't post one like that for years.
I'd just watched Liverpool losing 1-0 to QPR in the League Cup (damn that synthetic pitch of theirs).
I rather liked our plastic pitch. Workmen blaming the tools again eh? 😉
I was 18 when my dad died, grew up very fast after that. Only with hindsight do I realise what a profound effect it had on me.
I like the way you have worded this, sorry that you have had to though... I cannot imagine the feelings around loosing a parent.
If ever life gives you a second chance with either of your folks, then grab it and see where it goes. I'm not counselling absolute forgiveness, but you never know - you might not get the chance to say goodbye
I have had a difficult relationship with my father for majority of my life, but I still have a fair few fond memories and I treasure those. I'm glad I speak with him now.
Only with hindsight do I realise what a profound effect it had on me.
Yep, me too. I know some of my personality traits are traceable back to it.
It's 20 years since my dad next month. Very different circumstances (hic). We cremated him on red nose day and I had a black joke by playing the "hamlet cigar" music at his funeral (I was 17 and a bit overcome... I nearly selected a well known Queen song! He would probably approved of either).
Certainly grew up a bit that year.
His best gift to me was my sense of humour and perspective on life
It's easy to forget how fragile life is, it's always good to have a reminder about making the most of the hear and now.
deadlydarcy... one of the best written posts I have seen in ages.
Thanks for sharing.
My dad's still around but I've never really had any kind of relationship with him.
It's sad, very sad, but the upside is it's given me a template as to how not to be with my kids - we're very close (at the moment, teenage years on the horizon...).
I love both my parents dearly, I don't see them often enough, but I cannot wait to go on hols in July for ten days with them for my dads 60th. Old ****er still thinks he can take me, and he probably could. I feel very lucky to still have loads of family still around!! Stories like that make me feel very privileged!!
damn right wrightyson.
That's quite a post darcy. Thanks for for sharing it. My relationship with my father has never been as enlightened as I'd hoped but me and the rest of the family take him for the way he is.
Though the rest of my life might be a mess, my relationship with my son is and always has been brilliant. We are pretty much best friends. My lad is the same age you were when you lost your dad - and that brings on some sobering thought.
I've a feeling that life will always be too short for sons to fully understand their fathers. I found out lots about mine after he died and can't work out why we never discussed these things while we had the chance.
Indeed, just over a year and as confused today as i was then.
I actually often think that we might not have got on too well you know...I reckon he had fairly traditional views and we would have clashed at some point. So I live with this fantasy of what might have been...walks, pints, going to games together and generally shooting the breeze together.
It's my mum I feel for most. She's lived 25 years of her life from 50 to 75 without the love of her life. My sister and I still had ours ahead of us. We just had the pause button pushed for a while.
Indeed, just over a year and as confused today as i was then.
I remember NZCol. I hope you're moving on though. I wonder if my post looks like I haven't got over it. I very much have. Why some years, the anniversary passes and I forget until a few days later. I'm very much "over" it to be fair, but sometimes I get to thinking about it perhaps too much.
DD- That's a qualitiy post right there!
Mine was very similar as regards suddeness (which,after a few years, I now see as a big plus). Everyone was in shock.
In comparison to my own uncles etc it's better - imo - to go sharpish, rather than a prolonged painful thing. Either way is awful.
The Irish wake thing is a real pita though. But it does get it all over and done with (publically).
Kindest regards (from an ex Paddy now in Scots-land).
I remember NZCol. I hope you're moving on though.
Dunno can't answer that one, moving on ? Dunno. Confusion reigns. Someone you thought you knew, vaguely actually turns out to be someone..well..not what you thought. Dissapointed would cover it adequately.
Wonderful post DD - sorry if that sounds a little crass given its nature but it is a very poignant reminder to those of us lucky enough to still have their parents around to make the most of it.
My Dad is 81 and it's only in the last few years (since he had a heart attack and was diagnosed with prostate cancer) that I have realised our roles have become reversed to an extent and he now relies on me for certain things which always used to be his domain, even though I live 250 miles away! The transition from one to the other wasn't easy and there were some HUGE rows, which I now realise were borne out of frustration ie. his inability to do everything that he used to, and, on my part, rather selfishly in retrospect, being intolerant and also frustrated that he couldn't! Fortunately, in time honoured fashion, any disagreements were put quickly to bed over a pint or two.
I count myself very lucky that he is still around and phone the old bugger every day. Sometimes I get little more than a few words (if there is footie on the tele) and other times we'll chat for ages about cars, work, my Mum nagging him and bowls, which is his new thing since having to pack in golf a year ago.
So thanks for the post DD, it reminded me how fortunate I am and hopefully myself and others will appreciate and value what we have.
I'm with he of the chest of hair on the humanising point. 😉 I have spent about ten minutes thinking about a reply, but don't want to put a downer on the thread.
Nice stor matey.
🙂 Oh go on, I can take it.
Love it. Thanks, Darcy. 🙂
If ever life gives you a second chance with either of your folks, then grab it and see where it goes
I did this with my own father agead about 35 not sure how succesful it has been but we do have som esort of relationship now.
What I realised was that he is incapable of showing emotion - I think he has none rather than he controls it. At the burial of his own mum as everyone was weeping and wailing as the coffin was lowered he looked like he was stood bored waiting for a bus. Not bottling or controlling anything just passive and indifferent. Very odd
Sorry for you loss DD + al. Life throws shit at us we just survive it as best we can
Oh go on, I can take it.
Basically it's a two way street.
I often see threads here where people agonise over relationships with their fathers. I wish mine was still around for me to agonise over. [u]If ever life gives you a second chance with either of your folks, then grab it and see where it goes.[/u] I'm not counselling absolute forgiveness, but you never know - you might not get the chance to say goodbye.
While I like the sentiment sometimes things are left well alone. 😉
The full story is used to help manic depressives feel good about themselves. 😀
While I like the sentiment sometimes things are left well alone.
Fairy nuff. It's true - but my sentiment was more directed at the "what ifs". If one knows it's best left alone, then indeed, it probably is.
Experience tells me it is best left alone, but there's always going to be what ifs and for both parties. Spending/wasting time on the what ifs develops its own cycle of destruction, which is not good. 😥
I do feel warm and fuzzy inside when I read/see good stories. 😀
EDIT: 12 March...... Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😈
FWIW I realise how lucky I am having a functional family (myself apart of course) and a really amazing mum [I can't imagine how I would have coped with (an) abusive/indifferent parent(s)] and I'm trying my best to make her life good & spend time with her as her health is declining ever faster at 82.
a really amazing mum
That's what saved us too 🙂
DD even though you call it Derry and i call it Londonderry 😉 i think the post was awesome, my mum died when i was 13 😥 so never really got to know her or indeed say goodbye.
Nice piece DD.
i think the post was awesome, my mum died when i was 13
I have a very good friend who lost his at 14...he did get the chance to say goodbye but I think now wishes it was a bit quicker.
so never really got to know her
This is the worst bit IMO (well one of the many...)
nice that DD.
i never knew my dad, met him twice, i was 3 and 5 i think.
might be one of the reasons i am a horrible ba5tard...... 😉
Hi Darcy, you have a great way with words.
I also had a similar experience at 16- mine on bloody bonfire night, which took some time to become a 'good night out' again, but I've managed.
Your Life 2.0 comment is spot on, as is your gentle advice for others to make the most of what they've got.
I still get the lump in the throat 26 years and a bit on, but only every once in a while. Wedding 2 years ago was a tough one, as I made a point of talking about him.
Anyway, he was also a v popular guy and that made me do the growing up too quick thing. Education fell to pieces and I went through a fairly rough patch. Mates, exercise, talking and a bit of beer all made it easier to bear.
After a spell in the Army, mainly blowing thing up as a bomb disposal officer, i ended up running professional firework displays as a hobby. never really made the connection, but I'm sure there's something cathartic about that.
As with all these things, whether it's the loss of a partner, parent or friend (or even getting your bike nicked) time is a healer and I hope you're doing well now,
all the best, Holmesey.
Life is short, so make it broad.
great post DD
my old man is 80 this year, I still don't know that much about him outside the obvious family stuff as I left home at 17 to plough my own furrow
dreading the inevitable
🙂
Cheers iDave
Beautifully written, DD. Smashing post.
Derek Mahon wrote a few lines ('Leaves') that I've always found to be resonant - even if nothing can ever really compensate for personal loss.
[i]Somewhere in the heaven
Of lost futures
The lives we might have lived
Have found their own fulfilment[/i]
Oh, and... JLS. 😉