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seems that both kids are coming from the same depression self diagnosis
It could be self pity, justifying their behaviour
In reality all you can do is talk to him and explain the risks etc. We smoked loads of it from 15-21ish. The people in my circle who were heavily into it did move on to heroin and a couple are now dead and died young as well. Obviously many people don't end up like this but lots of people have problems with concentration, anxiety etc with it and also theres the money aspect as well.
I think its more effective to encourage him to do other more interesting things.Hopefully he'll grow out of it as its very much a kids thing I think.
So he was good again last night, but that's easy when you are grounded. No phone still. He was allowed out for two hours to see his girlfriend and turned up on time and wasn't stoned.
Day out today, he totally blanked me, won't even look at me. He's talking to his mum though. That'll have to do for now, I've tried the soft approach, but it's now time for the ball to be in his court.
Our daughter is now being a pain in the ass attention seeking, inevitable I guess. Looks like 2020 is going to be interesting!
he totally blanked me
Again this is a public forum so not much detail from me. But take heart, if he's trying to hurt you, you still mean something to him.
Another point, there are lots of studies on the impact of divorce on children. I looked for and failed to find similar studies on suffering parents divorcing due to the stresses of dealing with arsehole adolescents. If this doesn't bring you into conflict with mrsjonesyboy I'll be surprised. Expect to find everyone close to you on your back.
Just got this message from his mum. He asked if he could have a smoke last night.
He came into the lounge after you left and said he'd follow our rules. I got him to read our WhatsApp conversation telling him I wanted to see the heart breaking risks we're taking and the fear we have. He then went off to roll it. I broke down and whilst I thought I was crying quietly he came in twice to ask if I was ok and asked if I wanted a hug. He then went to smoke it but was very subdued and stayed in his room after. He said he broke up with Leah but didn't want to tell me anything else. I offered him food/drink several times but he didn't want anything. I went to bed at 12.
So we're slowly getting somewhere. The rules are yet to be fully agreed but include random drugs test for anything heavier than weed. So again I'm taking that as a positive, however our relationship is in a very bad state.
He thinks I've abused trust and invaded his privacy by looking on his phone. I pointed out that I paid for the phone and his mum pays the contract so it was legal.
He's got to learn how to trust me again, but with that comes realising that I'm not going to compromise on certain things.
I've been offering love and support, and in the day am trying to carry on as if nothing has happened. The problem is it has, everyone is on a knifes edge. I'm going to have to learn to live with his life choices, and how much pain he's inflicting on the family.
Sheesh. My thoughts are with you mate. Tough times
Agree with weeksy. Just hope you all get a good outcome from this. Not looking forward to my two becoming teenagers I’d they end up even remotely like I was I’m going to live in the shed.
Today was another improvement.
I took both kids into town to have lunch with my dad and his wife. Both were fab, chatty and engaging. Managed 3 hours then dropped him off at his mum's and brought our daughter back to mine.
He's just been dumped by his girlfriend, but that's not a bad thing as she smokes weed and dabbles in other drugs.
Also here's still not asking to go out so seems to have understood the consequences.
Ok so that was an utter front. He's been trying to deal out of his mum's house. Internet history shows he's looking into emancipation, foster care, smoking Coke through a pipe.
No option now but police I'm afraid, of he sells some stuff that kills someone else I couldn't live with the guilt of being able to potentially stop it.
It's his life, he's made his choice now time to grow up and deal with the consequences I'm afraid. Maybe a care home or young offenders institute would be able to cope better.
Tough call to have to make. All the best to you and your son.
If you do go down that route however, please (as a pastoral leader - Head of Year - myself) give the school as much information as you have (without creating obvious issues for yourself or your son) on the network there even if you do so anonymously. Yes, they will be replaced in time if removed but it does send a message to those on the edges and any small win is welcomed by those of us trying to improve lives and futures.
Spoke to the police, seems small scale dealing is normalised now. They'll pull the boys up is they can, but if they search them and they've got weed on then then it's tough.
Came around to his mum's to really about consequences, scamming, dealing etc. He was super angry and defensive. After about half an hour I reminded him that he can rant away but it doesn't change things. Told him I'd contacted the police and that their names and dealers have been reported. He appeared to not give a shit.
He's been allowed to have a friend over for a few hours, when Will got here I took his jacket and trainers, and said any drugs on the property and is frog march then both to the police station.
They've been good, played the Xbox but are bored and asked to go out, I refused point blank. They accepted this calmly.
I think once Laurie stops being an angry sod he may then start to accept that things have to change. He's adamant that he's not doing class a drugs again, I've told him he'll have a random drugs test.
Looking at his internet search history he's been looking at how long cocaine takes to come out of your system.
Only time will tell.
Good luck Jonesyboy you seem to be dealing with this very level headed.
Yes police rarely bother with small amounts cannabis on a person.
Not much choice Drac, I flit between wanting to throttle him and hug him. Maybe he'll thank me one day when I show him this thread...
Anyone know how to block WhatsApp, Snapchat, YouTube on an iPhone? Failing that I'll buy a dumb phone with no internet and he'll have to put up with that.
Not much choice Drac, I flit between wanting to throttle him and hug him. Maybe he’ll thank me one day when I show him this thread…
Very admirable though others wouldn’t have half the patience you’re showing.
Settings -> Screen Time -> Content & Privacy Restrictions.
Don't forget to put a passcode on the settings too.
It could be self pity, justifying their behaviour
Ah, I see. You’re one of ‘those’. Makes sense now.
So after only being spoken to when other adults are present and being told to **** off numerous times and having his mother here overnight to try and diffuse things I actually managed to stay calm. His friend came to visit so I have him a lift home, and dragged Laurie with me.
Hardly spoke, got home and ate, again in silence and with a scowl. I'd bought a new light for his aquarium as the old one was broken, left it in his room and didn't say anything yesterday. He ignored it.
He disappeared up to his room and his sis sent me a text saying it sounded like he was up to no good. I piled into his room about to explode and there he is fitting the new light, cleaning the aquarium, and started talking to me and have me a hug.
His sis was even allowed in to see the fish!
Now part of me is overjoyed, part of me is cynical about his motives, and part of me realises it's the start of a long journey. Tiny steps...
Makes sense now
At least something does. That's progress. Self diagnosis by laymen is inevitably unreliable.
Nice job jonesyb, you seem to be breaking him down with patience, firmness and kindness. Keep up the good work.
What's he been dealing? Time was it was normal for people to buy an ounce (of weed) and sell 3/4 to pay for their own share.
I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse (in that he's self funding but still dealing).
He's been dealing a small amount of weed and a white powder, hopefully not too much. The drug squad said it's probably between mates.
Next step is to lay down the rules
1. Dropped off and collected from school
2. Gym 3 times a week
3. Mountain biking regulary when I'm around
4. Phone to have spy app installed and only released to him once there has been a massive improvement. And parents to be given the phones at 10pm every night.
5. WiFi off at 11 on school night, 1am. Weekend
6. Curfew
7. Homework checked nightly
Only once all this has been complied with will free time be allowed, initially Saturday afternoons, with a curfew in place. If late police will be called immediately and he'll be reported as a missing person (as instructed by counsellor and police)
He can then with towards the possibility of a night out in the week of all drugs tests are clear, but again with a curfew.
Also hopefully got him a summer job. We'll need to know where he is at all times during the summer, so job, time with me and mum, grand parents, biking, gym.
Hope that doesn't sound too Draconian, but can't think of any other way!
It sounds very Draconian yes, but totally justified.
To sound a little harsh though, I had similar punishment when I was 14&15, it made not difference at all to my behaviour. None at all. Sorry.
When I got to 18 though I kinda grew out of my problems
I'm hoping it'll be a short sharp shock and he'll try and regain some freedom quickly, I'm under no illusion that he'll still do stuff at any moment he can, but at least we're making it hard for him whilst still providing loving homes and rewarding good behaviour. We can only guide, he'll make his own choices.
18 is a headache. A last ditch effort before 18 is laudable, but as his birthday approaches there's no point denying that from that day on he can do just what the hell he likes if he's prepared to live with the consequences. The game changes completely.
Taking away his phone/wifi won't make any difference.
If he wants to smoke weed/ go out and get ****ed up on pills and sniff powder he still will and just resent you for in his eyes trying to control him.
Just let him get on with it.
Chances are he'll eventually get disillusioned with it and move on to more productive things or just tone it down and carry on with life.
Went through the whole rave scene in the 90's and almost everyone I knew was on anything that was going.
Out of all of those people there were more alcohol **** ups/ deaths than anything else.
Fully aware of that stu, he told us he'd been scanning online and got £2000, that was a massive worry. He's not spent anywhere near that but had gained access to one of his savings accounts and spent that. So in the grand scheme of things in less stressed.
All he's got to do is type the line. He's being less of a knob each day, but as all teenagers is a manipulative little git
He kicked off and managed to do a runner today at 2pm after telling his mum he wanted to kill her. I called the police and reported him as a missing person as advised. Spoke to one of his friends and told him to get a message to him that he was to come home.
I went to the bank, nothing they could do, but his mum managed to access his accounts today.
There are 4 payments over £100 for dubious sounding things that have never arrived, so obviously drugs. So all this money has been moved without him knowing. So he's bound to kick off again.
Luckily I'm staying on the sofa and she has two police officers next door.
So the options are.
1. Keep talking to him and hope.
2. 1. Looks get the local drug squad to talk to him and clone his phone.
3. Report him and get him a criminal record.
4. Kick him out
What the hell would stw do?
Sucks in a big breath. Jeeez mate, I gave no idea what I'd do. Probably lock the daft sod in the boot of a car and get him dropped in Scotland. Or bury him on a beach up to his neck.
As to an actual serious answer, I don't have a clue sorry.
He's had a good talking to from the officer after his missing person incident and it was mostly aimed about drugs, that he's got a choice to make, and he's lucky to have parents who are so supportive.
Ball is firmly in his court
Is it worth talking to the school and getting the dealer dealt with?
Or if there's a way for the Police to deal with it that doesn't drop your lad in it too much?
Sounds like a tough time for all of you - hope you get it sorted.
Dirk,
There's plenty more than one dealer, seems my boy is testing out purchasing online. Next time I see him and a policeman in the same room will be when I report him, if it comes to that. He can't put other family members in danger.
Give the scammed cash to the Police , He can go ask them to give it back to him , after he told them how he came by it.
Hahaha that was my plan. It would appear he hasn't been scamming but just gained access to a savings account of his that his gran set up.
Just had dinner and he's not talking to me, never mind, he'll get over it.
Tough one and I really feel for you. Sounds like you’ve tried to be nice and to get through to him. I’d be playing hardball. No devices that can access the Internet, no money, no going out other than for school and then it would be pick up and drop off like he’s a small child. Act like one, then get treated like one.
Keep fighting the good fight
If he hasn't been scamming then it's about stopping him doing something stupid to get cash (not that scamming isn't stupid) now you've cut off the cash from the savings account
Good luck
I'm not sure that the tough approach is very effective. It reminds me a bit of the next door neighbour in American Beauty. Chances are he'll either rebel against it, or, if you're so tough that he can't, he'll just go off the rails completely when you no longer have any control over him.
I think you need to fully identify the root cause of his behaviour. For most people between 16 and 25 drugs are hedonistic and/or experimental and don't lead to disaster or habitual use later in life. For your son, it may be that he's using them just to fit in, or be cool (don't underestimate the influence of these factors), or it may be that he's using them as a crutch. Address the causes, not the symptoms.
JP
Jp, I think it's a bit root cause, a bit too cool for school, a bit that he enjoys it. None of these will change with a bollocking, but limited exposure to chances to score and take the drugs may help as long as it's done in a distracting positive way.
Boundaries, consistency, consequences, bollocking, and being there to pick up the pieces will all be part of this. It's been a long year already ffs!
What the hell would stw do?
I asked myself a question, "what does he expect me to do or hope I'll do?". He's known you all his life and is being pretty candid, it's a mix of him telling you stuff and you finding out. I decided to be myself and act in character.
He's still sitting down to dinner with you, that's better than many other places he could be. So I'd do what I did which wasn't throw him out, though I did ask friends to put him up for a few nights in an effort to diffuse tensions, it helped.
Educator,
That's a good plan, give everyone a bit of space.
Today involved me taking him to the police station, with his knowledge. He had a good informative chat with a drug squad officer, informing him off his choices, that he would quite happily put him in custody and then he'd end up with a finger searching his arse and his foreskin pulled back to check for drugs.
There were plenty of positives thrown in, it's your time to make choices type stuff.
Then he asked if he could look at Laurie's phone for info on other dealers, but stipulated that if there was incriminating info on there about Laurie he would then have no choice. He suggested to Laurie that he have a think, if there was anything dodgy that we were to take the phone with us. Laurie said there wasn't so I hope there isn't as it's being cloned. I'm a little dubious if they'll bother to be honest, but it's a good ruse if that's the case.
Again my boy isn't talking to me, different want me to stop at his mum's.
I've told him it's now time to move on, agree boundaries and consequences, starting with him seeing the young addaction counsellor. If he can't give up one one every couple of weeks there's not going to be any freedom. Also that he has to find a positive hobby.
Let's see how we go from here... Focus on him getting some of his freedoms back.
Spoke to school and he's a very happy kid who's doing well so that's still a big positive
Sounds like a bit of positive progress. Good for you
I think we've all had a gut full of the negative, just hope he responds the right way!
who ever says taking weed doesn’t effect your metal health are talking shite
robbo76
Member
who ever says taking weed doesn’t effect your metal health are talking shite
What makes you say that? If that were true then you'd expect a much higher proportion of the population to have mental health issues, as it's such a ubiquitous drug.
JP
My son smoking weed has affected my mental health 😂
I looked up things I need to know about including cannabis and the links are proven if the users have some genes. For users who don't have the genes it's just a case of a bit of paranoia and being out of it, and I've noted that regular users are so out of it they don't realise how paranoid they've become. The OP will so learn that if his son has being smoking recently then attempts at communicating will be futile as his son will take everything as an aggresion and think the whole world is against him.
My son smoking weed has affected my mental health
I can relate to that. 🙁