[Closed] 12 Week Scan; No Heartbeat.

🙁

If it turns out to be bad news, just know there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

How do we cope with this ?

With compassion for each other, quite a few tears & maybe counselling.

It will be ok eventually.

Sorry to hear that, been there quite a number of times and you will find out so have many others. No consolation but it happens for a reason and you may be luckier in the future. Nothing you can do about it either. Hug, cry, be nice to each other

^ this.

We've been through this, twice. No point in trying to dress it up - its ****ing awful for everyone involved. Just stick together, get through it, try again. Seems to be massively common these days, I guess with the improvements in pregnancy testing etc. We've been through it twice, friends have twice, brother in law once, my brother once etc etc.

Just cry. I think thats all there is to it.

What they said.

So sorry.

Very common, I'm afraid. 1 in 4 IIRC. Almost half of couples will have been through it. 🙁

All the best mate to you and your wife. Miscarriage is very very common indeed, almost every woman you know will have had one. Out of 5 conceptions we have 2 children, it's never easy. If anything be glad it didn't happen later.

Practically, what happens next is medical or surgical. Medical: your wife takes a pill and delivers. Surgical: general anesthetic and the baby is removed. Neither is easy. Take time off work and be with your partner. All the best again.

Look after each other, talk and listen

You have my sympathies

As above, we have been through the same and it led to my wife being off work for 6 months with depression also, all you can do is be there for each other, and you be there for her especially as it will be hard for you, but 10x worse for your wife as she is carrying the child and has all the hormones from doing so. Lets hope its not the case, but if so, then you can remember your child and when ready look to start again.

No words to offer that won't sound trite. But I can try.

We've been there, I remember sitting with the Sonographer. She said it happens a lot. Nature's way and all the other stuff they say just went straight over my head. The dream has just turned into a nightmare and there's nothing, absolutely nothing you can do.

Yet, you cope. You support each other in whatever way you can, you grieve just as you would for any other loss, you weep, you wonder what you could have done (I can answer that, nothing I'm afraid).

At the moment though nothing matters but you two, don't worry about anything but yourselves. Take it a minute at a time, and allow yourselves to adjust. Then seek support if that's you thing, there's a vast amount of resources out there, it's a taboo subject, but really, really shouldn't be, because it happens so much.

I'm so, so sorry.

Commiserations. Been there, done it (or at least Mrs Daz did). Console yourself with the fact that it happened early rather than later, the fact that it's quite common, and there's nothing you could have done about it. Pure bad luck unfortunately. Look after the Mrs and try to hold it together, what comes next is not pleasant. 12 months after it happened to us we had our 2nd daughter, so look to the future.

🙁
Sorry to hear your situation.
One thing to try and remember that your wife/partner will feel much, much worse than you so give her as much support as she needs and just 'be there' for her.
You will hear lots of people have been through the same situation, we did and I'm sure there are many on here who have too.
There is no blame, no fault, it's just one of the cruel parts about having a baby.

So sorry for you both. I've been through this before and never felt so flat and empty. It just wasn't meant to be this time and don't let it put you off in future. Take some time out and spend some quality time together.

You'll get there in the end.

I'm sorry, that's ****ing horrible. My wife and I have been there too, more than once and that first time was and is the lowest point of my life.

It will get better, it won't be quick but you can find a way. The only people who understand what you're going through are you and your partner so try and be there for each other. She might blame herself, remind her that's not true.

You won't want to hear it now but one day it might help. We went through this a number of times, then right when we were ready to give up we got lucky. My daughter is 2 in June and makes my life worthwhile.

This is shit but it doesn't define you.

We found it helped to talk about the baby by giving him/her a name, then it's not 'the baby' or 'it' 🙁

I'm sorry too. Been there as well, "it's nature's way" is trite but if it ain't meant to be this time, nothing's going to change it.

Don't know how you'll cope, I didn't very well and that lead to some life-changing outcomes (in a good way, eventually) - so if you want a list of not what to do, I'll happily oblige. But you will cope, it's very common as everyone has said and everyone gets through it in the end.

It'll be a distant memory one day. Hug your other half, be there for her, and get help yourself if you need to. Together you are stronger - you will get through this.

Been here in 2007, and feel your pain.

Be strong together through it and talk to others when you need to. As above it happens to many couples, just not openly discussed until you are in the same situation.

10 years on typing this makes the room dusty so don't underestimate the impact.

Sorry, not dressing this up well, but no point sugar coating it.

Now have 3 kids (14, 12 & 8 ) with a gap, so all worked out well.

Stay strong for your Mrs.

We were in your position 3 times. 4th time lucky and our daughter is 14 now.

Some great advice already given and nothing I can really add.

It will and does get easier. All the best to your partner and you.

Nothing I can say will make things any easier. However, you have my sympathies, it must be bloody awful for you both.
Be there for each other, listen and be patient.

Though times, out of 5 we lost numbers 2&4, found it hard phoning my mum from the hospital to tell her the first time. Now I think that if we hadn't lost them we wouldn't have our youngest, it's not till it happens to you that you realise how common it is, don't give up though if you want kids it's worth it. Sometimes it is hard not having something or somewhere to grieve over you're loss, even at 12 weeks you would have built a picture of your future life so the loss is still pretty big.
We often wonder if the ones we lost were boys as we now have 3 girls, will never know.

Nothing I can say much other than I've got some inkling of how you feel. Been there five times now. Email in profile or PM if you want any advice or just someone to chat to about it.

Personally I wouldn't go with the naming, caused me loads of issues, we had picked out my Grandads name, then my sister (who didn't know), wanted to call her son the same name.

All I can say is keep your chin up, it's pretty devastating, but it is more common that you think.

I'm so sorry, I was where you are last November. It's tough. Probably going to be much tougher for your other half, so be the rock she needs.
And don't give up, we're at 17 weeks now, still on pins and unable to truly relax and enjoy being pregnant, but there's plenty of hope and plenty to be positive about... you got pregnant, it'll happen again.

So sorry to hear SJ. Be there for each other.

I think many people are unaware how common miscarriaged are, especially early oned, it's believed that many people never even realise they were pregnant.
It's essentially a biological safeguard to ensure the healthiest baby is born.

All of this makes little difference to you and ime particularly the mother, so be the best person you can for her.

Just be there for each other,
for us it was tough to get through but things worked out in the end, I'm sure it will for you too

Ugh.... I'm sorry to hear that mate. As others have said, there is really no way to minimise the impact of this - you just have to deal with it on a moment by moment basis. Just be kind to one annother.

We had 2 misscarriages before we had our beautiful baby girl - eight months old today. Stay positive, it'll happen.

I can't really add much to whats been previously said above, my thoughts are with you and your loved ones.
Along with many others we have also been in your shoes, at 12 weeks in '06 and twins at 16 weeks in '10. Be strong for each other there is no blame here it's just one of these things that happens .
Don't hold back on your emotions , cry/hug spend time supporting each other. Time is a great healer. Xxxx
We have two handsome sons (6 & 12) who are everything to us with the miscarriages happening between so this isn't the end for you just a heart wrenching blip although it provably doesn't feel like it right now.

tears and hugs....
Some more tears, some more hugs, Talking about it and moving on....

Sorry to hear the news.....

When you start talking about it (such as on here) you realise how many people it happens to and how many people it affects.
While that doesn't make your individual case any easier to deal with, it does perhaps help you to realise that it's nothing that 'you have done', it's just nature being nature......

Very sorry to hear that.

As others have said be there for each other you both will feel awful. Some hospitals will have a charity for such things attached to them that they may recommend, our local is called Tear Drop. They off support, counselling often from those that have gone through the same thing.

Been there too, my sympathies 🙁

But although it's gutting right now try to remember it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean you'll never have kids. I've got two...

NZCol - Member
Sorry to hear that, been there quite a number of times and you will find out so have many others. No consolation but it happens for a reason and you may be luckier in the future. Nothing you can do about it either. Hug, cry, be nice to each other

This + another.

Life isn't guaranteed, sadly. At some point most of us have been through your pain.

All the very best wishes to you and your family.

Another one who's been there. it's rubbish. Talk to friends - unfortunately all too likely that they've been there.

And us, it's far more common than I realised. It happened for us at 12 weeks, and in between our 2, so although it doesn't feel like it now, it's not the end of the road. And as said above, I sometimes think that if it hadn't happened we wouldn't now have our son, and he's ace and was so worth going through that pain for. For us it was on new years day, which always now has a poignancy and brief moment to remember. Best wishes...

Sundayjumper - so very sorry

The rest of you - its days like this I feel proud to be a member of this community. Thank you

It's a truly shit thing to go through and you have my sincerest sympathies.

I was in your shoes early December, left me feeling hollowed out for a good while but talking about it helped.

Our first was straight forward so we'd expected the same. Neither of us had any idea how common miscarriage was.

First time is the hardest I think (we've had 4 miscarriages and 2 sons) . We had to walk through a waiting room full of pregnant couples on the way out. That was hard, but it didn't really hit home until we were at home and you had time to think about things. Bought us closer together , so make sure you take time to talk about it, don't bottle things up. We had counselling after the second miscarriage and the wife was pregnant with the third baby ( he was born and is 9 ) , due to the anxiety.
My wife decided to go natural rather than D & C .
Sounds morbid , but we have them in a plant pot (which flowers magnificently each year) . It helped a little with the mourning process.

Shit news mate.
As above, it happens an awful lot.
There's no right or wrong way to get past it, but cuddle her LOTS, & talk about it. The nurse told us it was natures way of saying somethings not quite right. As bad as it felt, she was right.

Like so many others have said, it is surprisingly common and absolutely horrendous to go through. Be there for each but don't smother each other. I spent days and nights "being there" for my wife, and it wasn't until the MIL came up and made me go out for a bike ride that I was able to let my own emotions out.

Thousands of people have to go through this heartbreak and the vast majority come out the other side. You will too, it just doesn't feel like it yet.

We have two wonderful kids from 4 pregnancies.

I've not gone through it but some good advice here. I'm thinking about you.

It happened to us first time. As you can see from the posts and you will hear when discussing this with friends and family it happens a lot.

It is really shit though and your other half still has some pain to go through. If I am honest I always knew it was harder for my wife so I worked hard to support her. I vividly remember crying on the way to work when I went back.

We have an amazing girl who will be ten on Friday and clearly I wouldn't change a thing so it gets better.

Take care of yourselves and each other. Come back here if you need support and shared understanding of what it is like - there is loads as you can see from everyone who has posted already.

Thinking of you sundayjumper and your partner too.

So sorry that you have to go through this. It is a terrible time. On the one year anniversary we lit a candle and put it in the window. Sounds a bit trite, but it was also a nice way to remember.

🙁 Been there twice too. Hardest thing I've been through.
Wife kept bleeding during her eventual pregnancy with our eldest, every time we thought the worst again but that eventually turned out ok.

So sorry Sunday. What can be said has already been said by others. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of each other.

We went through the same thing with our second. It's really really tough but you'll get through it. This is just one of those things and neither of you did anything wrong.

Thank you everyone. I really hadn't realised how common this is, the number of folk replying here bears it out.

We already have a daughter, she's three now, and was an IVF baby. We'd tried naturally for years with no luck before doing IVF and it worked on the first attempt. Everything was textbook from start to finish. We knew we'd been very lucky. Last year we decided she should have a sibling. First cycle did not work at all. Second cycle appeared to work, but then the lines faded and my wife miscarried after just a couple of weeks. Third cycle - this one - started well. Then we had a miscarriage scare in Feb at about four weeks. Scans at 5 & 7 weeks were both good though and we thought we were all clear; until today's bombshell. My wife had been having morning sickness and all the other symptoms right up to today, we had absolutely no reason to think there was anything wrong.

We're both taking a bit of time off work to get ourselves together. We know there's nothing we can really [i]do[/i] right now. We'll just try and take it easy, and get through the weekend before making any big decisions.

Been there too - Sucks big time. The memory of the experience you are going through is seared into my memory for ever more.

As other have said above it's natures way and you couldn't have done anything about it.

Feel for you buddy.

We had multiple rounds of IVF with no joy (or temporary joy followed by crushing devastation). We've given up now, but if I've got one bit of advice it's use the counselling from whoever is doing your IVF (they should provide it for free).

We thought we were coping with the grief, we weren't. Looking up now, and starting to think of the future - whatever that brings.

We decided to have a family,and after 15 months wife became pregnant and we had our eldest son,now 22.We kept trying without success,miscarried at 10 weeks twice,and discussed fertility treatment,then decided to adopt.First adoption a boy just before his second birthday,a wonderful experience,until he died in an RTA just before he 3rd birthday.Second adoption an 11 month old girl,who is now 14 years old and bossing the house.Just to say there are lots of doors open and good luck in the future

Been there too, We had young daughter already which helped get through it. It's not so hard on the men folk but it's really tough if you are the one who did all the carrying etc. It took my wife a little longer to get over it but we did with no real issues, a year later she delivered another beautiful girl. What surprised us too was how many people who had also gone through it. It seemed to be every other couple !!

take time to grieve , look after your mrs and give her lots of love and hope.

atb

As everyone has said, its more common than you ever realised. Just let out the emotions and be there for each other. Big hugs to you both!!

Dreadful thing, just make sure no one ends up running silent and blaming themselves for something that is nobodys fault.

a lot of it has already been said but people just don't understand how common it is. We have 2 kids but had 6 pregnancies.

My wife found it really hard initially as she wasn't aware of how common it was, it really helped her when she started speaking to other people and finding out herself how common it really is.

So sorry man. Eventually this thread will drop off the bottom of the page and you and your partner will be alone. Just remember you're not really alone, as this thread shows. If it helps, give it a bit of stiff upper lip when around your partner. Positive thinking and self reliance.

I well remember the bottom falling out of my world when we were told that our baby was almost certainly going to be affected by Down's Syndrome. Turned out that was the least of our worries and eventually we tried again. He's four now. Impossible not to use platitudes but there's always the next time, and the next.

jimdubleyou offers good advice.

Loss like this in the first 12 weeks is common, but that is no consolation. Just let yourselves cry if you need to, and when the time comes and it feels right, try again.

My very best wishes.

Have my sympathies, we were there September last year after 3 rounds ivf we eventually got to 8 weeks of pregnancy.
Definitely jimdubleyou advice - I didn't at time and am in process accessing counselling through work as it's hitting hard now - baby would have been due last week 🙁
Support each other and don't be afraid discuss with mates/ family/ here - my riding buddies were awesome, probably more supportive than my wife found her friends to be!

The outpouring of sympathy and advice on here is amazing. Mrs Gti and I only managed one pregnancy (we married late in life) and it went smoothly and we have a beautiful child. I can only think that if something terrible had happened my attitude would have been that it was Nature's way and probably for the best. Sympathy to you both.

My thoughts go out to you and your wife. We had this with our first pregnancy and as has been said above its pretty common. Doesn't make it any easier knowing that though. For me I hadn't even considered things might not have been anything other than perfect until the sledgehammer hit me during the scan. I found it a very difficult type of grief to articulate at the time as what I was grieving wasn't so much a person as the dream of my future life I had been nurturing for the past 8 weeks. We now have 2 healthy kids and during both pregnancies those first scans were terrifying.

My wife struggles with anxiety at the best of times and her way of coping with the following pregnancies was to not really focus on the future. To the point of us not even buying the ridiculous amount of stuff we were told we needed until after the baby was born. I am not sure if that was the best approach but it worked for her.

Another one here who's been through it. Lost 2 last year, one at 6 weeks; tried again and lost the 2nd at 8 weeks. Pregnant again now and had an early scan last week at 7 weeks - first positive scan either of us have seen and quite emotional. No idea whether this one will work out, but the wife is on a load of drugs to help - she got referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic who have been quite simply amazing. Might be an option to ask about - varies by hospital as to how many miscarriages you need before they'll refer you though I think.

On the practical side (I think it was jekkyl who mentioned this earlier) - two options, drugs or surgical. First time around my wife went for drugs as she'd already started to miscarry and was bleeding very heavily. It was horrible - incredibly painful and basically like giving birth without any of the benefits. Second time was more planned as picked up by no heartbeat on a scan, and opted for surgery. It's a general anesthetic and not without risk but she found the whole thing much easier. Quite weak and tired for a few days afterwards in both cases - so make sure you look after her.

Talking helps enormously; be there for each other and be open and honest about how you feel if and when you talk. You are not alone in this; you have each other and that is a huge thing.

There's not much more I can say to help, but I understand what you are going through (Lost one at 7 weeks, then three more between 16 and 21 weeks).

Be there for each other.

Agree with dashed, if necessary surgical was the preferred option with us - fortunately our consultant agreed as medicine is NICE recommended I believe now. It prevents it dragging on and potentially needing surgery further along.
Hope you guys are doing ok today, you will both be mentally and physically exhausted. Take time and let people help you.

And just to reiterate - you haven't done anything wrong. You'll both (probably!) beat yourselves up about "what if I hadn't done..." kinda stuff. Particularly your wife I guess. Mine was really worried she'd overdone it with the exercise or had done something to cause it.

At the end of the day, it won't have made any difference whatsoever. Sometime these things work out, and sadly sometimes they don't.

Sundayjumper - So sorry to hear this, my thoughts with you and your wife.

Another one here who has been through it (last year) + some fairly awful and terrifying complications afterwards, there's loads of good advice here already and you'll both deal with it in your own ways, but communication and talking can help massively.

Be prepared for this to affect you a lot longer than you expect, and in ways you don't expect too, we are over a year on now and still struggling at times, even reading this thread has made me tear up at work for you (all). This is the single most important bit to remember though:

Take care of each other.

I've said this on here before but anyone going through the same or similar feel free to PM or email me, I may not be any help but if you want to talk/vent/discuss anything then my email is in my profile.

Or if you're nearby and just want to go for a ride...

I have nothing useful to add to this discussion but thoughts go out to the OP and his wife

I have had friends go through this and it is tough at the time for all those involved.
Both couples went on to have further happy healthy children and I am sure you will as well.