[Closed] Mates

I prefer quality to quantity

Less than 10 that I could ring at any time and ask/demand plead for assistance above and beyond the call of duty

Sorry for your loss perhaps they think you want time alone. Have you asked for help as sometime folks dont know what to do- my mates Dad has vascular degeneration and its only a matter of time I am the only one who always asks him as some are just uncomfortable dealing with death/loss/grief.

Sorry for your loss

As for your mates .... Probably just us blokes being rubbish with things like that ??

Wouldn't read too much into it

Good question, probably just 2 or 3 I see regularly but 5 or 6 I know I could call on. Partly a function of being 50+ and married, most time spent with her and the family so mates as such slip down the prioroty order.

OP very sorry to hear, perhaps your mates don't really know what to say or how to handle your loss. Its not classic "man stuff", I suspect they are afraid and possibly don't want to face the mortality of their own parents. I would see it that way rather than them "not being good mates"

If you want you can share on here this sort of issue has been sensibky and sensitively dicussed before,

Sorry to hear about your mum.

I've been thinking about this recently. I have plenty of friends but when you start thinking about who you could call and feel like you could say pretty much anything to, and rely upon in times of crisis....

I'd say 4 or 5 good close ones who I could (and have) ask to help out.

Sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost mine in Feb and it does leave a bit of a hole, but as said above, us blokes are generally crap at the emotional support stuff so I wouldn't read too much into it.

Sorry to hear about your loss of your mum

I have about (half) a dozen proper mates - haven't seem some of them for years but they are mates, friendships made over years. I really hope any of them would contact me for any sort of support they ever might need, and likewise me contact them. If I saw one tomorrow, even after years, I would feel no different than if we'd last seen each other a week ago.

If that's what these mates are to you, ask for their help and they should come up with the goods.

I have plenty of friends too, but that's a bit different

I'm also friendly with loads of people, that's another rung down

Have you been "hard to get on with" lately, or just changed your going out habits ? - you have a bloody good excuse but it still may need pointing out to some people that you need their support (blokes especially IME; some of us aren't sensitive to that sort of stuff, hence my mates might have to tell me they're suffering, esp those I'm out of regular contact with. I'm there for them, but it's mostly to take the piss until I catch on that I might need to do something different).

Need to talk about something generally ? - here's not a bad place for it at all, for all the bitching

Ask this on an American forum and you'll get strange answers 😉 (the word 'mate' means something else to them).

But on the serious side, likewise sorry for your loss. Could be people just feel they want to give you space for a while. If you feel up to it maybe just invite them for a cheering up pub stop or bike ride.

Sad about your mum ,been there, its a horrible place, sometimes your mates will just think you want to be alone, and cry, or dont know what to say,theres usually one with a bit of empathy for youyr situation ring him or her and chat.

If theyre busy or not intrested , best time to find a new freind.

I'm seem to shed friends since 2012, all grew up together;

One moved to NZ.
One moved to London.
One got a girlfriend and now doesn't bother with any of us, he was my best man and only lives down the road.
One is in the army and is hateful/spiteful.
One can't stand kids and won't do anything when kids are around....

So I've got 5 left I'd call on to help etc but i still feel loss for these people I was close with for 15-25 years. Especially the best man.

Maybe I'm the problem

As for your loss, they may be wary or not wanting to intrude. Give one a call and go for a pint. Hope you feel better soon.

thanks all, probably a case of not knowing what to say, but it's tough being on the receiving end. I'm probably judging others on what I'd do which is never a wise move.

Sometimes it would be good to talk about this to someone other than my family (although Brother and Sister in Law and Wife have been brilliant)

I think a few years ago I had quite a few but life has caused that to change as it does, it's an odd feeling being lonely but surrounded by people.

zero.

Sorry for your loss - personally I'd probably try discussing it on here if I spoke to anybody about it, sorry if that's no help 🙁

[quote=Bedds ]I think a few years ago I had quite a few but life has caused that to change as it does, it's an odd feeling being lonely but surrounded by people.

I understand exactly how you feel if it helps at all - I think I last had a proper mate before I had kids.

After losing my Mum last month, my mates have been noticeable by their absence

Funny how grief brings this into focus isn't it? Sorry to hear about your mum.

2 of my best mates died in a car crash when we were 18. There were 5 of us who grew up together, started school together at 4, and were very close. When I was given the news, and I sat there inconsolable with grief, my dad put his arm round me and said to me 'you have a lot of acquaintances in life, but very few true friends' I can hear him saying it now, like it was yesterday.

Fast forward nearly 30 years and the other 3 of us are still best mates. We all live in different parts of the country now, and don't see each other as often as we'd like. We got together last weekend though. We immediately revert back to behaving like kids. The conversation is generally 90% ruthless piss-taking and other people listening in are astounded at the staggering level of really cruel personal abuse. But we all love it! I love them like brothers, and I get that back. They're utterly dependable, and rock solid in a crisis (and between us we've had a few). So my best mates now are the same as the ones I had at school. Its ace! 😀

Everyone else I've ever met in my life is an utter **** though. Especially the ones I've met off here! 😉

Close friends that I see regularly? Probably none. Friends i could call on and who would try and help out? Maybe 3.

The numbers were higher but similar to you OP I had one of those life defining moments earlier this year and peoples reactions to that made me reevaluate our relationship. There's no point pretending some people are friends when it's only the case if it's convenient for them.

The problem seems to be that it's easy to shed friends as you get older and everyones priorities change but it's devilishly hard to make new ones. Even more so if you're not exactly the life and soul of the party due to coping with your own recent loss.

Dunno if anyone else finds this but I've been thinking recently that quite a lot of the people I find easiest to get on with and I have the most in common with are not necessarily those who are actually a massively positive influence on my life or who would be there for me if I needed them. Some might even score quite highly on a psychopath test!

I've met some others who are genuinely lovely people but I don't find them as easy company.

Finding people who are both can be quite difficult IMO - I only know a few of them.

Sorry for your loss.

I guess a lot of mates aren't sure how to approach you. They might think that you are busy sorting things out, or on a downer, when you actually really need some company and normality back in your life.

I'd say the difference is between mates and friends. I have 2-3 friends I can call at any time of the day or night and they will turn up to do whatever I ask of them. Mates are the ones who are busy with their own lives, they come and go, however good they are

one, but he live miles away. I have two or three female 'mates' I could call upon but in truth I'm on my own.

Mum was 78 and had cancer for quite a while, her death, however, was sudden due to an infection.. being an only child and with a dad who is in a care home thanks to Alzheimer's, all of those decisions were mine to make.

But sitting in her funeral where there was standing room only I started wondering how many people would actually attend my funeral, probably not that many, I'm proud of Mum though, she was universally adored and would often joke her social life would shame my own (kids will do that I guess)

Questioned that myself, been there for various "mates" over the years. Helped, listened, given up time and effort, finally when I get something long term and become the one that needs a shoulder to lean on... tumbleweed passes or vague sympathetic noises.

I'm still in touch with a few and see them regularly and will support them to some extent, but I don't get as involved as I once did as I realise I'd just be wasting too much time I need to spend looking after me now.

Sorry for your loss, enjoy friendship for what it is, I suspect that the really close friendships are rarer than we all think.

I reckon I've got 4 "proper" mates and another 2 who are pretty close to that. I don't see them as much as I'd like but they know and I know we'd do anything for each other. They're the same bunch that I've known for a long long time, the newest to the group I've known for a mere 18 years.

I am conscious now that, at 35 with no kids and no plans for them, divisions are starting to form and that those without kids are separating from those with which is both sad and inevitable.

I'd say only two who I could discuss anything with or who I could ask for help and of those two one lives in the UK, so isn't exactly near to me. The other I do go out riding with occasionally.

At least I'm not the only one eh 🙂

Sorry about the loss of your Mum and hope you find the peace and strength to overcome her passing.

If I really take an honest look at this....I would say one I could confide in but he's back in Vancouver and we don't keep in touch regularly. US my other friends/mates are scattered all over the world.

My wife and I have been together for the last 25years and tbh she's been by my side through thick and thin and the voice of reason..and this thread has made me realise I'm a fortunate @#$/ard.

Condolences for the loss of your mum. Really not looking forward to my parents reaching that point of their lives.

As for mates I can rely on unconditionally, I'd put it at 2. Known them both from school age and we've all been there for each other at various points in time. Been on loads of adventures with them both so there's loads of p***-taking at all times. Then I've got another 4 or 5 I could happily talk things through with but not the really intense stuff. The next level is all the other people I know, acquaintances, work contacts etc. The go-to person though is my sister, we're like best friends anyway so it's really easy to talk about stuff without making any effort.

Used to be a group of 10 of us that could talk about anything and everything, sadly as they've all made their own families and/or moved away we all drifted apart. I'm the odd one out with no wife/family/house so our references in life have changed, the same reason for struggling to make new mates too. All my 'new mates' have come from riding bikes.

I think a few years ago I had quite a few but life has caused that to change as it does, it's an odd feeling being lonely but surrounded by people.

I've got used to it, can be liberating in a way.

I've got lots of mates, even more acquaintances but non I'd confide my inner most thoughts or feelings to. Probably the result of being an only child & tbh if they stopped riding I'd probably not bother to stay in touch quite so frequently

Don't really have any mates anymore. Spend all spare time either with my wife and two daughters or on the bike on my own. I love my own company, lost touch with most friends when the kids came along and people just gave up asking me to do stuff as I was always turning them down. Don't miss them tbh. They're still my friends obviously but I just can't be arsed seeing anyone as I have all I need socially with the family.

The wife suggests I see them occasionally but I'd rather just spend the time out riding. As above I'm an only child and so am self sufficient emotionally and love spending time alone. If the wife left me I might make an effort but loneliness wouldn't be an issue for me really, though I'm pretty certain the wife and I will be together as long as we are alive.

those of you with kids do realise they will grow up, piss off and leave dont you?

You need something for after that

ALos helps for your kids to see you are social

those of you with kids do realise they will grow up, piss off and leave dont you?
You need something for after that
ALos helps for your kids to see you are social

That just means more quality time with the wife and much much more riding time. The kids know I'm solitary out of choice and I'm not socially inept. Plus the wife has been my best mate for the last 20 years and I don't see that changing.

I lost my mum when I was 16 to cancer and lived on my own straight away which galvanised my emotional make up, hence I'm more comfortable on my own.

Hi Bedds, condolences fo the loss of your mum. I lost my dad 6 months ago and my friends were also noticable by their absence. It's not only you. I had/have three very close friends, one passed away a few years ago, the other one went to boarding school so is useless with 'emotional stuff' (massive sweeping statement right there) and the other one is at such a different point in his life to me that we are losing touch a little (he has no kids and still lives in a shared house in london and parties alot)

I remember I asked my dad once "what happened to all your uny friends" , perhaps a year after I graduated , i.e I was seemingly surrounded by friends all over the place . He said they just drift away as you get older, and I didnt believe him. He also said Saved by The Bell was Sh*t when i was about 12 years old and i didnt believe that either. How right he was....

Probably four good mates , one local and three others away (and as a family we make time to see throughout the year)...although my local mate I've known for years and would confide anything to..I also know he'd not know how to deal with a death in my family...I've leanrt that's him though and not representative of the depth of our friendship...

Sorry for your loss OP...I remember when my dad died died, since I was younger not many people around me knew how to talk to me cos they'd never experienced the death of a parent..

I remember I asked my dad once "what happened to all your uny friends" , perhaps a year after I graduated , i.e I was seemingly surrounded by friends all over the place . He said they just drift away as you get older,

I see mine regular. We're all getting together on Sunday

Friendships don't just happen. They're like any other relationship. You have to make an effort. They take work.

It seems there's an inherent contradiction to blame other people for losing them.

Bedds - have you approached any of your mates? Lets be honest - us blokes are rubbish at emotional stuff. Just phone someone up and ask if they fancy a pint. I find once you've had a couple in a nice boozer, then you can have a proper chat about stuff. But we're not like women where we can do it over the phone, so its easy not to bother.

Friendships don't just happen. They're like any other relationship. You have to make an effort. They take work.

Lets be honest - us blokes are rubbish at emotional stuff. Just phone someone up and ask if they fancy a pint. I find once you've had a couple in a nice boozer, then you can have a proper chat about stuff. But we're not like women where we can do it over the phone, so its easy not to bother.

But you have to make an effort to stay in touch, it's very easy not to.

Hmmm I don't like to count but 4-5 very close mates, 15-20 riding / less close mates - I don't think of them any less, it's just I've 'only' known them 10 years.

I count myself very lucky, my closest friends have been for 20 years or more, some more than 30,

As for OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum, when it comes to blokes I think a lot of the time we tend to leave each other alone in sad times because we think we that's what they want. I bet if you contact them they'll be glad to see you.

sorry about your mum. My dad went some years ago; and now my mum's on the downward slope...

It's something I about in terms of "what is a mate". There are folk I know - not best mate class - that I think would drop everything and help out if they could - as I'd hope I would.

There are best mates that are not even in the same country - I see them infrequently, but we always pick up here we left off. They are the guys I was at school with and went through quite a bit together. So many shared experiences one way or another.

My mates these days tend to be quite local, or from my working/walking/skiing/riding days in Edinburgh.. Again I think they'd help out where possible.

It's intangible though, what is a mate. At the least I'd like to think they'd turn up - if possible - at a parent's funeral. Many - many - did for my dad and that helped a lot.

While not close friends the thing that I've found through riding is I've ended up riding with so many different groups of people there's a large pool of friendly folk about. Even just being out on my own trying to be anti-social I keep bumping into people, have a chat etc. Comes and goes as people give up riding (have kids), move, but then a new bunch turn up. Always people about to have a social chat with while riding, post ride grub or pub, etc, and it doesn't have to be just bike bling chat 😀

Then on the job side in my line of work I change jobs a lot, and then going contracting more so. Not that I'm terribly sociable but each place I'm at I find there's at least one friend I hang on to, often a core group of like minded bunch and I have get togethers with each bunch of ex-colleagues. Still go skiing each year with a bunch of ex-colleagues from a job I left 15 years ago.

School friends have all moved on and had kids, settled down and cut off contact with their mates.

Core bunch of uni friends I keep in contact with but only a few.

A couple of people have mentioned how close they are with their respective partners and therefore don't feel the need to maintain other relationships. That was me, couldn't have been happier with my lot in life until my partner died.

It's a terrible part of life that we don't really give enough thought to but half of us in relationships that we expect to be lifelong will be left alone and bereft at some point. If it occurs in your relative youth you feel cheated of all the things that should have been and if it happens in older age then you lose the one person you need just at the time when you may be beginning to feel more vulnerable. Having people around that care can literally be the difference between life and death.

I felt let down by some people that until then I had considered friends but fortunately a couple stepped up and I couldn't be more grateful to them. Maybe some people really don't need anybody else, but having previously thought that myself i now realise that I was wrong.

I guess the point of this is to try and illustrate how important it is to maintain the friendships that you have and try to make new ones when you get the chance. Also, if you know someone that you suspect might be having a shitty time of it make the effort, be a mate. You might feel awkward and not know what to say but that really doesn't matter. Show your face, give 'em a ring, txt, email, whatever, it really can be enough to show that they are not quite as alone as they think they might be.

I've put a fair amount of distance between myself and former "best mates" in recent years.

I noticed quite early on when friends started having families that there are two groups:

1. Friends who still try and arrange to meet up and if you ask them if they are free will take responsibility for making an arrangement.

or

2. Friends who say that I should check with their husband / wife to see if they are free and take no responsibility for making an arrangement.

After some reflection I came to the conclusion that trying to maintain an active friendship with the latter group was actually quite depressing - I landed up feeling like my friendship wasn't valued even after a lot of time / effort / gifts etc. when their kids were in the early years.

With 2 of my oldest friends I'd land up having to go to theirs pretty much every time we met up because they wouldn't make the effort to come and see me. Despite a few years of quite significant troubles on a number of fronts they just didn't really seem to care enough about anyone apart from their immediate family to bother asking "[i]so how are you... really?[/i]". For me that's a red line in a friendship (it works both ways too).

I'm 44 and single, almost everyone i knew has moved on somewhere else.
I only have three or four close friends but a large amount of friends i ride or shoot with.
My closest best friend is actually a 21yr old girl and we can talk about anything and we met through biking.
I am shy but since taking up moutain biking i have probably never had more friends and talked to so many random folk out on the trails or at events.

Hmm actual dependable mates...none
Mates who have their moments...one maybe two

One is a bit bipolar fine most of the time but occasionally just snaps
The other is a bit me me me

I appreciate you have to work at friendships but most of the time I CBA

Friends come and go...

I don't have any really close friends, a few work colleagues I get on with really well and a few people I visit every few weeks for a chat.

Me and my brother are very close though.

[quote=muppetWrangler ]A couple of people have mentioned how close they are with their respective partners and therefore don't feel the need to maintain other relationships. That was me, couldn't have been happier with my lot in life until my partner died.

Or your relationship might die. I'm not totally sure if my relationship was as close as others, but that's looking back through a grey filter. Though whilst losing my friends was coincidental with my current relationship, I can't blame it on that - I got very dedicated into racing which seemed to keep me busy every weekend friends were meeting up (I also missed a few weddings), and training every evening. I was happy with that, with my social contacts being the people I raced with or against and my partner (and her friends). Then we had kids and I stopped racing. I now have a good selection of friends on FB who live in different parts of the country, mostly people I met through racing - lots of people I do get on really well with, but haven't seen for several years, and not sure when I'm likely to see again - I only just need more than one hand to count those I have seen this year, a couple of which are local acquaintances, a couple are people I've met once.

muppetWrangler - I'm going to be congruent here just for the hell of it, no other reason. I'm aware of your story, for want of a better way of putting it, and it resonated with me for some reason. My own partner is on some pretty awful drugs that will, eventually, either take their toll or stop taking effect and put her back at square one.

I don't know whether or not it's because I simply didn't post or read the same threads as you but I noticed a lack of attendance last xmas and kind of knew what it meant. All I wanted to do was email you and tell you how much I felt for you - for losing your life-friend - but something stopped me*. I still get a weird feeling every time I read some of your posts - like this thread and the way you voice my dread and fear of the future - and also feel so much envy at the way you seem capable of just carrying on.

But I guess there's no other way when all's said and done...

*Edit : Probably the fact that you'd think "Who the **** is this weirdo emailing me out of the blue..."

teasel - I did write a much longer reply but have deleted it as it's straying too far from the OP's original point but I don't want to leave your post unanswered. Apologies to everyone else for going off topic.

From experience I know this really is easier said than done but try not to fear the future, it serves no useful purpose, change what you can for the better and deal with what you can't change in the best way you know how. The truth of the matter is yes you may well struggle at times, I know I did from the day of the diagnosis and still do right up to today. But it's uncharted territory and the only way to find out if it gets better is to keep trying to move forward. I think that the perception that other people cope with things better than ourselves is skewed by us only being able to see what they choose to let us see, behind closed doors they may be an emotional wreck.

As for not emailing, don't beat yourself up about it. Some people did email and although we didn't enter into any long correspondence I'm grateful to them but I doubt I would have done had the roles been reversed. At the time I just didn't realise that something so apparently insignificant could be worthwhile. I like to think that I would react differently now.

I can't empathise with your loss. I have no frame of reference. Yet. My condolences nonetheless. Mates? Real ones? Mine are all 200 miles away. Not really managed to make any genuine ones in the 20 plus years I've moved away. I'm not worried. We meet up mAybe once a year. I figure if the first thing you do is take the piss, unreservedly, out of each other you can pretty much bank on those people to be there when you need them.

Hope it all pans out for you fella. (Almost went for mate there!)

Thought provoking thread this..

Sorry for your loss OP, it's there time you find out who your real friends are.

I'm saddened to hear your story aswell MuppetWrangler and Teasel.

I am lucky in the fact that I met my best buddy in play school and we are still BFF today, that's 30+ years of friendship and I'm only 34! I recently got my bike licence and purchased one of his bikes and he is like a kid at Christmas every time we go out. He said he was proud of me and loved me last time he was pished! Legend.. He went to Australia for a year about 10 years ago and I cried when he left as I never thought he would come back, I missed him but loved his monthly phone call to get all his news.

We were inseparable at school and remain very close, couldn't ask for a better friend. The only other real friend I have is a member of this forum Alan Petrie (although I can't remember his username ; ).. We have been pals for about 15 years and met through a mutual friend, we started biking together and the rest is history, he is as daft as a brush, a total scutter merchant to go riding with, a marketing mans dream with new kit and bikes, overthinks and underestimates his riding abilities but a proper good bloke.

The rest pass by like ships in the night so I can't be arsed anymore, I'm the same with work colleagues, been called arrogant, selfish, rude, cocky amongst others, do I care? Not a jot! I'm there to pay the bills not make friends. I have met some good people playing ice hockey aswell who will be promoted to good friend status at some point.

All I ask is that people are honest, reliable and trustworthy. I grew up with 2 brothers and 1 sister but I really enjoy my own company much to my wife's annoyance. I used to get frustrated at my family as they never come to visit us, we always have to go to them but I let it go over my head now, "we haven't seen or heard from you in weeks" is the usual line.. I always say "well I haven't moved or changed my number".. "We don't want to bother you" is the usual reply!

My older brother hasn't spoken to me in 4 months because I told him to stop over reacting and taking everything personally at work (we work for the same company). I usually back down but not this time!

Sorry just realised how much I have rambled on, had to get the last few paragraphs off my chest!

Night all.