Forum regular on new 2nd login for obvious reasons. It’s a long one, but I just wanted to get it all down in one hit

I’ve got a pretty good family life, we are in good health, our kids (5 and 7) are doing fine, we’ve some great friends a nice house and no money worries, fulfilling jobs and a busy social life. There are never enough hours in the day, but it’s all great stuff and I genuinely appreciate how lucky we are

I was made redundant back in Feb (8yrs with the firm) which was a bit unsettling for a bit but I found a new job pretty quickly (I’m 4 weeks into it now) it’s all worked out ok in the end but I won’t lie, I had a few wobbles along the way.

Alongside all that, my wife has been behaving rather oddly. We were planning a 3rd baby last year but after a few months of trying, she decided that perhaps we should stick at 2 after all. which I was quite happy about really as I always thought 2 close together was the right setup to enable us to go on many adventures. The reason she gave at the time was that she was enjoying getting fitter (she was getting pretty decent at running) and the boys being at school was allowing her to take on more at work. All good stuff.

Since then, she’s been increasingly distant. Nothing particularly obvious at the time but looking back, more and more of the things she was doing didn’t involve me and the boys. More time at the gym, more time spent at events and more work. None of that individually was a problem but in recent weeks it started to become obvious that she didn’t seem to want to talk to me and would seem to avoid being in a position where talking was possible (and with the stresses of job hunting then settling into a new job I really wanted to talk)

I’d constantly ask if she was ok and if everything was alright but I just got “yeah I’m fine” never any arguments or anything, but it was pretty obvious something wasn’t right. It all came to a head 4 weeks back when I asked if she was happy and she said no she wasn’t, and hadn’t been for a while, but she couldn’t say what was making her unhappy or what she wanted. She really didn’t want to talk but it was pretty clear that where she was at was that our relationship was the problem and that she didn’t know what the solution was or if she wanted to find one.

She had already planned a static caravan holiday for last week for her and the boys and her folks. they do that every year and I stay at home and get on with DIY around the house. It works well for us and everyone’s happy. This year I wasn’t taking any time off but it would still allow me to crack on and get my head properly into my new job.

She wanted space now so she took the boys up to her mums the week before the holiday so they were away for a full 2 weeks. That was pretty hard to take but worth it if she was going to get time to quietly consider what she was feeling and thinking. We kept in touch superficially whilst she was away, skyped with the kids and stuff, but no actual discussion and I respected her need for space.

They got back on Friday and she was straight back to working Saturday and it was pretty clear she still wasn’t for talking. She’d keep the boys up until gone 9 then shed sneak off to bed when I was doing story time. All very frustrating. We had a sit down on Monday night and I said I really needed to talk because I wasn’t able to concentrate on work for worrying about her but it ended up just being me asking questions and her saying she didn’t know. Didn’t know what was wrong, didn’t know what the solution was and didn’t know if she wanted one. She did say that she felt we were on different paths and wanted different things. That I want to be like my dad and buy boats and get a bigger house (I don’t, and neither does my dad) and that she didn’t know what she wanted but it wasn’t that. It was all pretty painful and didn’t achieve anything.

I finally spoke to her mum that night and she said that she wouldn’t talk to her when they were away and that they were very worried about her but she hadn’t realised how serious the situation was. She offered to come down on the next flight but we agreed it best that she called her in the morning which she did. As I understand it both her mum and dad gave her a bit of a rollocking and said she had to talk to me because she was being cruel. Not the approach I would have taken, but they are her folks so whatever works

So I finished early yesterday and we had a much better talk. She makes it very clear she doesn’t believe she is ill or anything, she went over the same frustrations which seem to ultimately boil down to that she thinks we are from different social classes (my words not hers and ultimately not true) I said I felt these were all things she was placing on me rather than real issues but that I would work on making sure I addressed them. We ultimately agreed that we would keep “muddling on” (her words)

So it seems like we’ve pulled back from the brink and she’s pretending to be happy again, but I’m convinced there is an underlying depression or disorder and I don’t know how I’m going to get her to

address it. I’ve been leaving notes in the morning to say I love her unconditionally and ill support her in her when she’s ready but if shes not talking to me and I don’t believe shes talking to her friends (about this) then I’m really worried that she’s just going to cover it up. I can’t bare to think of her suffering and being helpless to do anything about it. She surrounded by people that will move the earth to help her but I just need her to make that first step

So guys, how do I do it?

Just to address the other elephant in the room, could there be another person involved, or her feelings towards you have changed romantically speaking?

Sounds more like an affair than depression.

Sorry,but reading that it sounds like she’s having an affair

Yes sorry to say but it sounds like there is someone else on the scene and she is being torn in different directions.

Ouch …. sorry I agree with the others 🙁

Good luck

Wow, crossing my fingers for you.

It may be worth looking at what Relate have to offer. They aren’t just there for break-ups. We went to them at a similar very low point and found that even just the initial conversation was an enormous help to the point that we actually chose not to go back as it had got us talking properly.

Interesting point about the ‘social class’ thing. Looking back at a previous relationship, I had a girlfriend from Irish working stock (her words!) who had not gone to University either as compared to a public school / top uni background and she found it very difficult to relate to. I suppose it’s just best to concentrate on what brought you together – shared interests, humour, etc. In fact maybe head out to a comedy night somewhere – nothing like sharing a laugh to engender a positive mood and shared experience.

Good luck.

Just to address the other elephant in the room, could there be another person involved, or her feelings towards you have changed romantically speaking?

Being brutal, that was my first though too.

However, mental health can be a strange and brutal beast that can manifest its self in many way. Is there anyway you can engineer some time for just the 2 of you? Grandparents look after the kids and you have a day or a night together, likely away from the house? My wife had (arguably still has) some pretty nasty mental health issues that she was very reluctant to talk about initially, it took a night out together, a bottle of wine and a lot of tears to get her to talk about it, well worth it as she’s now in a much better place but there was certainly some reluctance there.

Whatever it is though, keep making yourself there for her, keep trying and hopefully you’ll get a positive outcome.

Wow – some tact please guys !

But yes, sounds like she is withdrawing from the relationship for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean she is unwell,

It sounds like an awful situation to be in and you have my sympathy, as someone who suffers from depression (controlled by drugs these days!!) I know how awful I made my wife’s life at times and there were times when I wouldn’t speak and didn’t know the answers to her questions. It was incredibly frustrating for her but luckily her mum has depression so she was able to see past me being a shite!!
However , as above, you also need to consider the chance there could be someone else, the growing apart comments and suddenly spending loads of time at the gym / away by herself would be a sign there could be someone else. I hope for your sake it isn’t because you seem to have been as reasonable and caring as you could be, you also have her parents on side which is always a good thing.

What they all said…
And I kinda guess deep down you know this too, just don’t really want to accept it?

Jeez, OP, that makes for painful reading. My sincere sympathy.

It does seem as if there might be someone else, but regardless, if it is a relationship you want to keep, then even if that is the case, things could still be salvageable. At some point in the near future, though, she will need to open up and be honest about what is going on with her.

Best wishes.

Maybe she’s just tired and demotivated. Madame went through a similar phase and wasn’t having a affair. We were just burning the candle a both ends. Some significant lifestyle changes and her enthusiasm returned.

Feeling a bit down and demoralised isn’t depression.

I wouldn’t gang up with her parents, she probably feels she has everyone at her. In fact she probably has everyone at her and thinks it would be nice if people would leave her be. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?

Reading between the lines it sounds like her feelings about the relationship have changed, and maybe the fact that your first thought was mental illness is creating a dynamic which is compounding her doubts..

Try a different tack maybe?

Yeah, it does look like things perhaps have got a little too good and stable. She’s begun to see you as a safe bet who’s always gonna be there, which kills attraction. You need to snap out of this ‘good provider/nice guy’ mode and remind her how sexually awesome you are. Dress better, meet more women, start Tango lessons or something 😉

Sounds much more like there is someone else.
I have suffered from depression, and can now keep it at bay better. I have managed to get the wife to talk to some one about it as she was obviously suffering, and she is working on it. But it did not really sound like that…. Sorry.

It’s the baby thing. She wants a third and either feels guilt at being unable to get pregnant or blames you.

There’s a lot of doom-mongering in this thread! I didn’t get the impression there was another person involved; sounds more like she’s rethinking everything, perhaps stemming from that decision not to go for the third kid – OP, this could be a much bigger part of it for her than you seem to acknowledge in your overview. Whether or not ‘rethinking everything’ might indicate underlying depression or perhaps more likely, a mid-life crisis etc, I don’t know. Sorry to speculate.

Would second the recommendation to talk to Relate and to try and arrange an activity for the two of you without the children.

Swing by the gym with some flowers to ‘surprise’ her one evening. Or even, tell her you’re going to sign up at her gym and watch her face. That should tell you what you need to know pretty quickly I’d imagine.

The whole thing stinks of either having an affair or looking for one, but I wouldn’t automatically jump to that conclusion. You know better than the Internet whether your missus is the sort to do such a thing, and whether she’d be honest if confronted.

Could be she’s just bored, if all this “great social life” is actually your social life that she tags along with. Maybe she’s realised that a marriage and a mortgage and 2.4 kids isn’t the idyllic lifestyle society had promised her and she wants some excitement and adventure?

Maybe depression? If there’s no underlying situational problem, maybe it’s chemical. Perhaps a chat to a GP or a counsellor even might help, though first she’s got to admit there’s something wrong.

Maybe you’re crap in bed. (-:

Good luck matey, hope you work it out.

Sounds very much like depression to me rather than someone else being on the scene. See if you can get her to see her GP, who may prescribe some antidepressants and hopefully be able to refer her for therapy. Try and get her to see it as an illness that needs treatment and medication. In my experience she may not be able to say what is wrong and it is frustrating having an issue that you really can’t do much to help fix apart from offer comfort when you can.

Could you speak to her parents about whether they believe there is anyone else ?

Because this sounds like they might have some info

As I understand it both her mum and dad gave her a bit of a rollocking and said she had to talk to me because she was being cruel.

Would have thought the parents will not bare face lie and if on the other hand they don’t think she is, you will not have upset her with the accusation.

Swing by the gym with some flowers to ‘surprise’ her one evening. Or even, tell her you’re going to sign up at her gym and watch her face. That should tell you what you need to know pretty quickly I’d imagine.

😀

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/tinder/id547702041?mt=8

Not quite tinder, but I’d start preparing for a break up personally. If you can save it, then great but you have to protect your own mental well-being so getting stuff sorted in your head and having a plan is a good idea.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Maybe she’s realised that a marriage and a mortgage and 2.4 kids isn’t the idyllic lifestyle society had promised her and she wants some excitement and adventure?

Buy her a mountain bike?

Not purely facetious, maybe going out and doing something a bit different together would help?

She makes it very clear she doesn’t believe she is ill or anything

You’ll find that people suffering from any type of mental illness aren’t exactly the best at recognising the fact.

it ended up just being me asking questions and her saying she didn’t know. Didn’t know what was wrong, didn’t know what the solution was and didn’t know if she wanted one

Whatever it is that is really going on, don’t underestimate how difficult this situation can be for someone who is genuinely depressed.

A constant feeling of being down, there being something wrong, not being able to enjoy/engage or feel is a terrible thing to endure in it’s own right, but the fact that you often don’t understand why you feel that way, let alone having any hope of articulating that to someone else is incredibly frustrating.

I’ve been there, as have many many others, and although sometimes it can help to talk to try and ge to the bottom of it, sometimes you just need the space and time to acknowledge that you do feel that way, having other people constantly trying to get you to explain why can push you further down the hole as you wrestle with the fact that you don’t know and punish yourself further for failing to understand why, and letting other people down by not being able to.

My wife and I have had some tough times over the years we’ve been together, and some terrible times recently, depression has reared it’s head again, but it affects people in different ways and one of the hardest aspects is getting to the point where you realise you are not well and need help. The prelude to this is often confusing, terrifying, unhappy and accompanied by a fierce insistence that you are not sick, until you realise you are.

I don’t really have any thing else to say to help you OP, I hope for you, your wife and your family’s sake that you can make some progress.

I don’t buy depression in this case. Sorry I do think you need to have an open and frank conversation. Be adult about it.

OP – have just reread your post before replying.

What strikes me, is based on your post, she is saying she :

isn’t happy
wants space
feels on different path to you

there is nothing in there that suggests anything about mental health ? or is there something missing. Cruel as it may sound, the pointers are there for another party being involved and perhaps you are latching onto a possible mental health thing which isn’t there ?

Hope you can have a good chat with her and get things sorted amicably – given the age of your kids, these things can often go the other way though.

Denial isn’t a river in Africa.

I have no idea on how to help but I think the OP is looking for suggestions on how to get her to talk, not really a diagnosis on what the issue is…

Having suffered quite badly form depression in the past, it doesn’t sound like the problem here.
From what the OP has described, his wife sounds like she is flourishing and motivated at work / at the gym / as a parent and it is only her interactions as a wife which are affected.
My experience is that when depression strikes, it spills over into all the various compartments in your life, it’s not restricted to just one.

It sounds like a relationship issue rather than a mental health issue TBH.

My only advice to the OP would be to be absolutely honest with his wife and encourage her to be absolutely honest in return.
If you can’t tell the truth to your spouse, who can you be honest with?

Tell her you’re worried. Tell her you think she might have a mental health issue. Tell her you’re worried she might be seeing someone else.

Tell her that, no matter what the real issue is, you’ll resolve it like grown ups.

It might be she’s just come to realise that you’re a bit of a dick, it might be that she’s engaged in a bit of light hearted flirting with the sales manager at work, she might actually be seeing someone else. Even if she’s been working her way through an entire battallion of the Coldstream Guards the important thing for you to remember is that ,as the mother of your children, you’ll always have a relationship with her as long as you live.

Try and make it the best one you can. Everyone will be happier as a result.

Be honest and be receptive to honesty….. This way dignity lies.

If you love her, tell her.

But only if you do love her.

Don’t expect or demand a reply.

Rachel

Tell her you’re worried. Tell her you think she might have a mental health issue. Tell her you’re worried she might be seeing someone else.

Tell her that, no matter what the real issue is, you’ll resolve it like grown ups.

This seems to be excellent advice.

I dunno; constantly telling her that you love her, leaving notes etc. That might be a bit overbearing; maybe she doesn’t feel the same way any longer. It might make her feel worse.

As someone who’s had a marriage breakdown (I left my wife for another lady after many years of denial about an unhappy marriage…please feel free to flame me :?) whether there is someone else involved or not (and she does have depression/mental health concerns instead), you have to address the issue.

Believe me, “muddling along” is no good. Life is too short and all parties need to be happy in the end. There are no winners in a break-up; my life isn’t perfect at the moment but I’m happier in myself, whilst dealing with a lot of issues from what seems to be an unhealthy relationship. My soon-to-be-former-wife seems to have had the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders too. It’ll be quite some time before we’re all on an even keel but we’ll get there.

But counselling might be a good first step, or failing that, be insistent you guys spend more fun time together; life can be a grind and it’s easy to forget you’re allowed to enjoy it!

Tell her you think she might have a mental health issue.

Please don’t.

OP its good to share and one of the strengths of STW.

One line summary. Your relationship is in trouble, its not a mental health issue.

Firstly I don’t think its an affair (although it could be) but your wife is clearly not happy with her life as it stands. You described how happy you where and you asked her the right question, ie is she happy and she gave a direct answer. My ex-wife once asked me the same question and I answered the same way. We stayed together for 15 more years as I loved being with my kids but I gave an honest answer. Your wife has done the same.

If she won’t speak to you I would very much try and get her to go to couples counselling. You must both work hard to resolve the issues which means listening and giving ground on both sides. If she turns this down then sadly imo its over and better to move on.

Best wishes,mtough times and my thoughts are with you.

So, I was all like….Tell her you think she might have a mental health issue.

and Edukator was all like…Please don’t.

I’d be interested to hear why you think this would be a bad idea.

It’s OK to tell your wife you’re afraid she’s been humping Barry from Accounts ? …

and it’s OK to tell random internet strangers that you think your wife might be a bit Radio Rental? …

but it’s a terrible idea to sit your life partner down and tell her that you’re genuinely worried that her behaviour is giving you cause to think she might have a mental health issue?

Trust me. Having been the recipient of exactly that conversation, it might be the best thing that happens.
When my wife sat me down and told me that she thought maybe I needed some professional help and that it was OK to not struggle to try and fix myself, and that she would help and understand me, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
It was that exact moment that I started to get better.

Wow – some tact please guys !

How was my reply untactful? Fairly sure all the eggshells I was walking on are still intact.