@perchy – firstly if she had a mental health issue telling her that so directly would not be a good idea (your wife was more delicate and perhaps that approach would be ok). Secondly as per most posters here I don’t think its a mental health issue at all. Its a relationship problem and the OP hasn’t recognised (or acknowledged this) and so is hoping its something else / mental health.

If you love her, tell her.

But only if you do love her.

Don’t expect or demand a reply.

Rachel

Beautifully put.

Not sure about Cougar’s advice of joining the same gym. If she’s trying to get space then I’m not sure that’ll help. Affair? Possibly. Either way I don’t envy your position and I really hope that you both get it sorted for the best. How about getting the in-laws to look after the children and you both get away for a weekend? Don’t pitch it as a romantic break but rather an opportunity to talk. Make sure that you are prepared to listen though. Good luck dude.

As someone who’s had a marriage breakdown (I left my wife for another lady after many years of denial about an unhappy marriage…please feel free to flame me :?)

You ****. 🙂

@perchy – firstly if she had a mental health issue telling her that so directly would not be a good idea (your wife was more delicate and perhaps that approach would be ok).

Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?

I don’t think anyone is advocating the OP sitting his wife down and telling her ” You are one Crazy B**ch!”
I had assumed a level of tact in my suggestion.

Secondly as per most posters here I don’t think its a mental health issue at all. Its a relationship problem and the OP hasn’t recognised (or acknowledged this) and so is hoping its something else / mental health.

I don’t either, but my opinion doesn’t really matter. The OP thinks it might be a mental health issue and that’s why he should be honest with his wife and tell her what HIS concerns are.
Our concerns are largely irrelevant.

I have no real advice I’m afraid, my wife is the sort who tells me when I’m in the dog house for something. She also firmly believes in marriage and would probably prefer to take a bread knife to me than to discuss divorce, not that it’s on the cards as we talk openly and like adults most of the time (not all the time of course, nobody is perfect).

From the sound of the note you left her it came across as a little condescending – it is of course out of context and from a forum so hard to tell. But if her problem is something in the relationship you don’t see and every conversation starts out about how you want to ‘fix’ things that could be part of the problem. I say this based on being a ‘fixer’ myself.

Either way, an open and frank conversation where you get her to open up and listen rather than try and coax things out of her sounds like the best place to start, perhaps a weekend away, away from work and kinds would help?

Either way, good luck with it and I hope you can work out the cause of the problem, it sounds like a tough one.

Not sure about Cougar’s advice of joining the same gym.

I wasn’t for a second suggesting that he joins the same gym. I was suggesting telling her that he was and gauging her reaction.

It should be apparent on her face, if fleeting before she hides it, her joy at being able to spend quality time together / sadness at losing her “me” time / outright terror that she might get busted.

Not read the other replies but sounds like she’s feeling very guilty about something she’s done.

Hope you get things sorted out

Depression brings anhedonia (loss of enjoyment of things previously enjoyed) poor poor diet, poor sleep. OK so these are not exclusive but big signs. She’s still going to the gym, so sounds like, if that IS where she is, there’s no loss of enjoyment or motivation. Is she up early?

Are you comfortable to just go right out and ask her if there’s someone else? I do understand this is incredibly difficult and it’s a huge step (for you) asking for advice.

Depression does not mean people sit at home and mope, many live what looks like a normal life. They can present and progress well at work, they may have hobbies and interests. But what can happen is they concentrate on keeping these things going putting on a persona. They may not realise they are suffering or doing it, tell tale signs show elsewhere. The OP may be right, asking her is the right thing to do, getting her to admit it or get help is a huge challenge.

Of course it could be she feels her marriage is over or she is having an affair but don’t fob of the depression part because others say they had and didn’t behave like that.

I’d suggest you get the children looked after for an evening and have a proper sit down to decide on your futures.

If she has decided she doesn’t want to be married to you then you need to agree your next steps and move on in the the most adult and reasonable way you can in the interests of your children.

You seem to be accommodating her behaviour and I would suggest that is a mistake. All too often grown ups act like children if given the option as she seems to be doing. The fact that her parents “having a go” prompted a discussion seems very childish to me.

I believe that it’s poo or get off the potty time for her and if that leads to a confrontation it would be unfortunate but necessary, in my view disagreement is better than disengagement which is the coward’s way out. She’s the one with the problem and she’d best get it out in the open so it can be resolved or so you can both move on in your lives.

Good luck OP – doesn’t read like an illness but I think you might know that deep down already….

Sounds exactly like my own behaviour when I was:

1. Unhappy with direction life had taken/I had taken.
2. Unhappy with a relationship
3. Not quite sure how it all fitted together.

There was no-else involved (I suspected there was, but was mistaken) and a lengthy period of separation improved both of our perspectives. Having some space/time-out identified a number of issues – thwarted aspirations, resentments, compromised communication, distrust etc.

She most likely isn’t talking to you about the way she feels for a reason. That reason could be because:

Your communication as a couple is not great?
She hasn’t fully decided what is wrong?
Even if she has, has not decided to state the problem to you at this stage?

Just say that you have noticed her distance and ask if there is something she wishes to discuss then you are a big boy and willing to have a very open discussion? What I wouldn’t do is go in there suggesting she’s mentally ill (depressed?) or having an affair. Either could be true, but dropping either out as a first-choice accusation/inquisition would (understandably) further close the possibility for open, adult communication between the pair of you.

Talking to Relate is a good call.

I find my wife reacts badly to frank discussion of issues. She would say there’s no point I’m never going to change etc. I might disagree but she’s not going to budge. I’d consider a different and less direct approach.

Consider acts of kindness/things you know she would like without labelling. I’d not consider a romantic dinner for 2 as that in this situation. More like bringing her a cup of coffee and a muffin while she’s doing something or organising something nice for the whole family to do.

I’ve also found it a help to look at the log in my own eye before the speck of dust in hers. For all you know there may be a post on Mumsnet along the lines of ‘my husband got made redundant and has changed. He’s really needy and now I’m starting to do the things he’s always done he constantly asks me what the matter is blah blah’

My wife was recently diagnosed with post natal depression and one symptom of the depression was that she’d become much more emotionally distant from me. It sounds like there’s more to this than a mental health issue (although that may have been the catalyst) but I certainly wouldn’t assume that she’s having an affair.

OP,
From what you have said I don’t think she has mental health issues. I have been through that hell and you would definitely know if she did.
From your description I just think she’s bored. Bored with her current life, sad at the way her life is turning out. Possibly her spark for you is getting dimmer so enjoys more time alone. I doubt there’s anyone else but unless you discuss it with her, possibly with professional help, the spark will get less and less until it’s too late. Something has to change in your relationship. I have no idea what – it’s up to both of you to find out together.

Unfortunately I have to concur,it definitely sounds like her thoughts are with another and she`s creating distance rather than having to deal with the consequences and avoid awkwardness.
The early to bed/fortnight away stuff is just her creating oppertunities for her to text or social media the guy in relative safety,and after being on both sides of that coin I recognise the deception involved.
There are ways back from is though,but you may as well just be honest with your (our ? ) suspicions and hope for the best outcome.

To be honest I think the issue comes from the decision not to have baby number 3. She may be blaming you, felling guilty herself and it’s destroying your relationship.

My sister was in a similar position, she wanted another he didn’t, they tried, they didn’t have one. They drifted apart, stayed together for the kids, he recently had an affair and they are now living separate lives apart.

A lot of people on here seem to be making some very big assumptions.It seems to me that she can be unhappy with the state of your marriage without needing to have an affair,or being mentally ill.I don’t know either of you,and so am in no position to give definitive advice,but talking to each other is essential to find out what is happening.Why not try the tack of “I feel like we are growing apart and it makes me feel unhappy,can we talk about this ?”,when you have created a space and time to do so.Try not to make too many assumptions,and have an open mind,you maybe pleasantly surprised by what you find out,or not,but I don’t think uninformed speculation on here will help you much.

Iolo speaks a huge amount of sense there

Could it not be “mid life crisis” by one or both parties?

This is where people’s idea of depression is different from reality reading above as it takes many guises and is dealt with in many different ways!

A classic sign of depression is to push away all that are close to you and do everything you can to avoid personal contact with people. Throwing yourself at work or the gym is a way to try and take your mind off the dark especially if you are fairly driven person or see failure as weakness.

A key indicator to me would be the children. If your wife has always been a loving mother but you are now seeing that she is distancing herself from the children and also friends then I would suggest that depression or the like is probable. If not and she is still socialising and interacting with the kids then I would say a relationship problem is more likely i’m afraid.

A classic sign of depression is to push away all that are close to you and do everything you can to avoid personal contact with people. Throwing yourself at work or the gym is a way to try and take your mind off the dark especially if you are fairly driven person or see failure as weakness.

Precisely. Everyone acts different and to say “well I didn’t behave like that” means nothing at all.

I do think those suggesting it’s a life crisis have it but that is also one of the trigger points for severe stress and depression. Mental health isn’t just about losing the plot it’s about stress & such like and the ability to cope with everyday life or tasks because of the ay you feel.

Putting 2 and 2 together, for me it looks like you and her have different wishes in life and she doesn’t know how to address them. It doesn’t really sound like she has mental health issues from anything you say (although she may have, and FWIW I think you should discuss this with her if you think it’s the case).

I can imagine that with the kids issue she maybe feels a bit remote from you now as she perhaps saw things for the future differently from you. She’s probably spending less time with you now in order to take advantage of the situation as it is now. Maybe she is having an affair, but I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Occasionally I see “guides” to finding out whether your partner is having an affair and almost all the things would apply to me – working late, taking lots of exercise etc. The reality is that if I was having an affair (which I’m not) it would be partly driven by my relationship with my wife, and that’s the only part of it you can have an influence on. It might help to see a counsellor to get through things – if nothing else, it will mean you have to set aside some time to discuss things with each other.

Occasionally I see “guides” to finding out whether your partner is having an affair and almost all the things would apply to me – working late, taking lots of exercise etc.

maybe not you Luke, but maybe I’ll get round yours one night soon when you’re oot 🙂

Definition of depression is a low mood lasting a period of at least 2 weeks with other associated symptoms, including insomnia,loss of appetite, sex drive, etc. This doesn’t sound like O’S situation to me, more like a
relationship problem. Not wanting to pursue 3rd child could be a symptom of this rather than the cause. Like others have said, some honesty /frank discussion needed then take it from there.

I’m firmly in the having an affair camp.

Definition of depression is a low mood lasting a period of at least 2 weeks with other associated symptoms, including insomnia,loss of appetite, sex drive, etc. This doesn’t sound like O’S situation to me, more like a

Low mood certainly does and it’s misconception that depression means people have any of those symptoms. The friendly term is smiling depression there’s a proper name but I’ve forgotten how it’s described.

There is nothing in the OP that 100% confirms for me that she is having an affair. Just that she is distant, and there are other reasons why that might happen. In fact the OP gave one- things wobbled a bit after being made redundant in February.

So- my advice is go to see a counsellor, together. This is precisely the type of situation that they are there for. I have friends who have gone through it, none of them wanted to but all of them were very (very!) glad that they did.

Good luck. Every marriage has its moments, it sounds like there is plenty to save with this one.

maybe not you Luke, but maybe I’ll get round yours one night soon when you’re oot

You haven’t been putting my kids to bed then watching Come Kitchen With Ice Every Minute with my wife have you? 😆

Come Kitchen With Ice Every Minute

Worst. Porno. Ever.

cracking film that 🙂 she loves it too 🙂

OP has she had the opportunity to have an affair? Does she regularly work late, stay the night at a ‘friends’ house, gets protective over her phone etc, etc? Is she running, going to the gym, getting in shape etc to impress herself or perhaps someone else? Is she criticizing you a lot? Does she talk about a new ‘friend’ or a new ‘guy at work’? Has she bought (or had bought) new clothes or underwear? Is she taking more care in her appearance these days?

If not then I’d say it’s unlikely, but it does sound like she’s not sure about you or what she wants any more. She could have been feeling this way for some time. It’s possible she’s met someone else and been tempted but not gone through with anything, but that in the excitement and ‘newness’ of meeting this other person, it has made her question you and your relationship full stop? Maybe she feels stuck in a rut in your relationship?

Either way the process is the same, you need to see if she’ll talk. Don’t smother her with flowers, gift’s, I love you’s etc – it might be the very last thing she needs if she’s already feeling smothered.

Talk to her, ask her what the issue is, tell her you love her (if you do). If she doesn’t want help, won’t talk or is unsure how to go about making things better then just get on with your life and give her some space. Start a new hobby, go out and meet new friends, make your life exciting so she feels like she wants to be a part of that again. If she does then great, it’s a win win. If she doesn’t then you’re already a few steps further ahead in the break up and recovery process.

Granted ,Drac, depressives are often very good at disguising their condition especially before they’ve acknowledged it themselves and the associated symptoms vary from person to person. I was just clarifying what depression is for the OP, we can’t decide based on what a third party tells us. She may be depressed but from the OP it seems that her dissatisfaction centres on hubby rather than life in general.
OP best of luck in getting this sorted.

Agent007 she could be taking part-days holiday or saying she’s working at a different site for a day etc and using any hotel in any location.

Do you know how many days holiday entitlement your partner has or how many that she’s used? I don’t have the foggiest on mine. Trust is all I have.

If she’s on her phone all the time, iffy when you walk in the room, has a password lock or deletes messages how would you know?

It’s not always obvious but it is very very hard to mask looking like you can’t be added, mind elsewhere look.

Tbh though you’d always find a way to have an affair, snatched moments every week is all it takes.

Personally I’d speak to your wife- not say an off the cuff remark or straight out accuse. Just sit down for a long chat and steer the conversation. If she has a massive reaction, huge denials you can’t read into that any way. You need evidence really.

I’ve known people who had affairs for years, the women I’d never ever have guessed were at it. Really straight, upfront nice family types. I always thought those that had affairs were ballsy types.

One divorcee told me a saying ‘women don’t let go of one branch until they have a firm hold onto the next.

I hate to say it, but this is what mine did to me.

But then again, she could be mental 😉

One divorcee told me a saying ‘women don’t let go of one branch until they have a firm hold onto the next.

What, like a monkey?

Anyone heard from the OP, keen to know how it’s going?

I was just clarifying what depression is for the OP, we can’t decide based on what a third party tells us.

You really weren’t as what you posted as a definition is just one form.

Well ok, that’s my GP’s definition of clinical depression which I thought fairly accurate. Maybe you know better

My definition is a Plumber who come and goes as he pleases and sees other customers at the same time..

OP has she had the opportunity to have an affair? Does she regularly work late, stay the night at a ‘friends’ house, gets protective over her phone etc, etc? Is she running, going to the gym, getting in shape etc to impress herself or perhaps someone else? Is she criticizing you a lot? Does she talk about a new ‘friend’ or a new ‘guy at work’? Has she bought (or had bought) new clothes or underwear? Is she taking more care in her appearance these days?

That’s some paranoia you have going on there.

No offence hora, but he has been cited in a few of these type of posts before. If she’s not putting out at least 2/3 times a week she’s shagging about.