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To be honest l dont know why i'm posting this on here, as this is something that l think l should be discussing with my wife alone, but if anyone has ever felt the same way, at least l wont think i'm going mad.
Basically, we found out about a months ago that my wife's expecting. It was unplanned and now i'm going through a riot of emotions and guilt pangs because l didnt want kids until l was at least 33-34 (I'm 29).
Apart from my nephew, l have no emotional desire towards kids. I enjoy my life the way it is, and am feeling pretty gutted that it's all coming to an end. No more foreign adventures, meals out whenever, last minute decisions, money to do what l want with etc etc.
I feel like s*** saying it but l put it to my wife that this was the way l felt, and that if we went through with it, l didnt know if l would feel love towards it. I dont feel ready for the responsibility and l dont want to be a crap dad because of how l feel now. I'm ashamed to say that if it was my choice, l'd be paying a visit to the clinic before things went further.
I love my wife dearly, and l meant it when l said in our vows that we'd be together through life and death - I'm not going anywhere. She has said she cannot consider abortion / adoption, yet at the same time can understand what l'm feeling. She lives with an attitude of 'things happen for a reason', i'm more of a 'l determine my own destiny' kind of person.
I'm struggling to cope with the idea that this is happening, that my life feels like its someone elses' hands. Its not what l wanted (yet - i've got too much to do with my life), and l'm crapping myself that when it comes along, l will resent it.
Anyone had this?
**Apologises profusely for non coherent rambling**
Please just man the **** up, you were there when it happened (I assume) so accept the responsibility.
[url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/people-with-no-kids-any-regrets ]Did you miss this[/url]
Ha! What Legend said, end of discussion.
Sorry but its another
Please just man the **** up, you were there when it happened (I assume) so accept the responsibility.
l didnt know if l would feel love towards it.
I have a feeling that this attitude will change when it arrives.
Well thats useful. Jeez, l hadnt thought of that. There's just the small matter of
that i'm a little concerned about.l have no emotional desire towards kids
What's the real difference for you between your age now and three years on? Mtfu or go ask your dad.....he'll put you right
29? You'll be reet! Thats enough dossing around for anyone! Its not like you're 16 is it
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Once she's had it, you'll read this back and be amazed that you ever felt like this. Kids are ace. At 30 you should be old enough to take that on board and get on with the next stage of your life
What he said.
Besides since when has being a parent meant your life is over? I have two kids had my first around 30 and still do all the things I like and a load of new kid related stuff that's even better.
That's a bit rubbish, must be awful for you. Not been in that situation myself but dread it happening.
I'm ashamed to say that if it was my choice, l'd be paying a visit to the clinic before things went further.
Nothing to be ashamed about, and the sooner the better for these things. There can be nothing worse than bringing an unwanted child into the world. However, if your wife does want to go ahead I don't think fathers have any say in these matters.
'm ashamed to say that if it was my choice, l'd be paying a visit to the clinic before things went further.
You don't know how lucky you are. For some of us it's not possible to have kid and when it's the one thing you want most in life threads like this are hard to take in.
Edited as my comment was a bit rash.
Read the happy without kids thread, sit and talk with your wife. By the sounds of it you just want more time but tough luck on that one.
In the end of it you have lost the right to veto the situation so agreement (what she says) is the future.
go ask your dad
Would if l could.
I know, MTFU is some fine advice (what else did l expect...?) But going back to my original question, has anyone else felt like this?
Was it your responsibility to take precautions or hers ?
Sounds like you two are not suited and this will end in a mess.
Sorry, but some forward planning when it comes to this sort of thing is needed. Bit late for that, so you need to stop it getting worse.
If / when your are both ready you can try again. Dont compromise now.
I had this the week we found out...I felt like shit, thought about running off, thought about suggesting aborting it then felt ***ed right up, I wasn't ready, I couldn't be a dad, scared shitless, the whole gamut of emotions. I kept them pretty much to myself and just worked through the fear it's all fairly normal.
They passed within a month or so then It all started getting exciting with the Birth Classes and preparing bedrooms buying clothes and you got carried in the whole wave of stuff and now I can't think of the life before without chuckling...we're taking her away (18mth) abroad in a few months, we still go to the same old races (her first was about 9mths old, we take her out to all the same old restaurants, and we're not exactly struggling as much as we thought we would financially, despite the missus only going back 2 days a week.
I'm not pontificating but just stick with it for a bit, you just sound scared.
[i] I dont feel ready for the responsibility[/i]
you never will.
Do you feel significantly different to how you did 5 years ago? Probably not and you won't feel any diferent 5 years from now.
Your scared because possibly for the first time in your life somethign outside of your control is looming over you. It's not unnatural. What defines you as a person is how you cope with the feelings.
my experience was that the first time I held my son any doubts I had evaporated as he opened his eyes and looked at me. I was 29 at the time.
You're talking to her about it which is a good thing but also try and understand how she feels and that she needs to know that you'll be there and take a full role in bringing up your child.
[i]Please just man the **** up, you were there when it happened (I assume) so accept the responsibility.[/i]
Yeah, something like this, you grizzling great jessy.
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
And look at it this way. You get to parole 3 years ealier on account of your head start.
MTFU.
l didnt want kids until l was at least 33-34 (I'm 29).
It's only 4 years, hardly a big deal?
i'm more of a 'l determine my own destiny' kind of person.
Not if you're have sex with a fertile woman you're not
You no doubt realise that no contraception is perfect and chose to accept it that way.
Don't worry. I'll keep up with my maintenance payments for your holidays 😉
'l determine my own destiny
Playing hide the sausage without a100% foolproof method of contraception? Looks like you've determined your own destiny. Man up. You'll love it to bits when it arrives.
Also once you start hitting mid-thirties which I presume MrsDadtobe will be, women start to decrease in their fertility quite sharply. Just be grateful that you can have children and the first time you pick up your little one the pre-birth emotions will disappear. Bascially MTFU.
I was also terrified of having kids, but little mashiehood is the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to us. Life was good before, its now amazing. 😀
I was never really delighted at the thought of having my own kids until I had them...
You will be very happy when it is arrives despite the current feeling.
For sure there are moments when it's a pain but seeing your own kids grows up outweighs all the negatives.
Sounds like you're in shock. My advice would be to not say anything more which you'll regret to your partner about potentially not loving the kid. You haven't got a clue how you'll feel once you've got used to the idea, especially as you were visualising having kids within the next few years anyway.
Be supportive - chances are she's in as much of a spin as you are, even if she's adamant she's keeping it.
I've had lots of mates (male and female) who are uncertain and frightened about the prospect of being a parent, even when they've planned the whole thing, so yes, what you're feeling is not completely unnatural. But it doesn't mean to say that your feelings right now are necessarily fixed for good.
Some pretty unkind responses.
I'm selfish and I [s]enjoy my life the way it is[/s] fear change
FTFY
So your wife's going to have a baby a couple of years sooner than you had planned - so what was going to change in those couple of years? I suspect you'd still be feeling the same if this had happened when you had expected it to.
Mate ... you'll be alright.
I can understand your feelings, but you're a good guy. It'll be the best thing that will have ever happened to you.
It's just coming a bit earlier than planned.
Tell the Mrs your feelings in a controlled and thoughtful manner... vimportant to vocalise your anger, it'll allow you to take control of it and therefore regain some of that lose of control of your life.
Good luck
New member, first post. Good troll.
Or old member, new login...
men are rarely ever ready! ime (we're 32 and 33 so similar age)
I had very similar feelings and didn't want! kids
I certainly wasn't ready and was very much in two minds about it when my wife woke me one morning to tell me. my first question was a worried "are you sure? don't get your hopes up to early, the test might be wrong". 7 test later.... I certainly didn't jump for joy, my wife wasn't worried she knows me pretty well. Iwas more scared and oh shit everything's going to change with very similar thoughts on time and money as above. We'd sort of been trying for a while but weren't sure anything was going to happen because of some medical stuff. it took 10-11 months and it'd almost gone out of my head tbh. Anyway when I was told it was like getting hit by a steam train.
He's 5 months old now and obviously love him to bits. Life changes, much good, some lost sleep and yes things change, I've still been out she still goes out we still go out. it's different but life's good. you will love him/her no question!
Life was good before, its now amazing
Penniless and exhausting but amazing all the same 🙂
I'm at the other side of it now, my youngest is 19, oldest 24. Just look forward to 2033 😆
[i]is the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to us. Life was good before, its now amazing.[/i]
Shirley not !, what ?, better than, a spontaneous meal for two ?, better than, a skiing holiday for two ?.
No sir, shirley you jest !.
😉
You'll be ok. you life doesnt have to change massively, you can still go on holiday, and do a lot of the things you do today.
You rlife will change, but not by as much as some would have you believe, its about your attitude to your life. Some things will be more effort, but thats just the way it is.
1. your life will not be over when the child arrives, you just need to be a bit more organised.
2. It is highly likely you will feel different towards the child when it arrives.
3. Try and be supportive to your mrs as imgine how it feels for her right new expecting her (first i assume) child
I enjoy my life the way it is, and am feeling pretty gutted that it's all coming to an end. No more foreign adventures, meals out whenever, last minute decisions, money to do what l want with etc etc.
Well, speaking from my own experience, there is no reason why any of those things should stop. We carried on with hobbies, nights out, foreign adventures, etc.. OK, we had extended family support and I may have had to work a bit harder to earn a bit more but there is absolutely no reason why having children should stop these things happening.
Beyond that, if you really didn't want children you should probably of already discussed this with your wife and taken the necessary precautions.
Can't say I have any advice to offer but I understand where you're coming from, I guess just start trying to focus on the positives rather than dwell on the negatives
nice supportive thread of people trying to empathise with somebody who's scared of becoming a dad. nice work people. never been scared before? the thought of having kids never scare you at any point?
EDIT - a few actually supportive posts appeared whilst i was typing.
I would relax. I never really thought about having kids much. However, my partner wanted a baby so I went with it (nervously at first). 11 months on I have a beautiful 7 week daughter and I couldn't be any happier. I'm 30 so not much older than you, a business to run and lots of hobbies - having a child hasn't really changed an awful lot. The feelings/love you have for your child can't be beaten.
get involved! help her out! be there at every step it's amazing, some bits are a bit ucky though 😐 😉
It's all new to her to and I'm sure she's scared too.
It'll bring you closer I'm sure
good luck!
[i]Some pretty unkind responses.[/i]
Well, considering other recent threads, seems a bit much whinging about what most consider to be a really good thing.
OP. Just remember, there are those who have struggled to become parents, some who can't be parents and those how know what it is to be a parent, but who have had that experience cut short.
Make the most of it.
Yup!Or old member, new login...
Thanks guys. Some good posts (later on).
I couldn't feel worse about the whole thing, and yes, l think being in shock maybe a good explanation. There's a fair bit in my past (losing my Dad for example) that has a strong bearing on the way l think, and l guess doesn't help in this situation.
To answer the posts about what l had planned for the next few years - taking my wife to the states (never been, dream destination) and India, fixing up our new house, getting other stuff out my system etc.
Manning up as we speak.
I enjoy my life the way it is, and am feeling pretty gutted that it's all coming to an end.
Not ended, just different. You will still be able to do the stuff you did before. It just requires a bit of planning
Change is always scary, so it is natural to be a bit shocked. However, I envy your position. My wife an I have been trying for 5 years to have children and have gone through 4 miscarriages so far. I'm not sure that really qualifies me to give you advice because, quite frankly, I would kill* to be in your position right now.
I'm 38 and would really like to have kids before I am too old and too knackered to cope with having a youngster around, so I do not think 29 is too young (physically) for a kid. Mentally, maybe, but I don't know you or your mind. 29 may have been too young for me though, but as I was single at the time, or possibly coming out of a messy divorce, it was probably for the best at that time. Now though? I am ready.
*not really kill, just a figure of speech.