aracer: So what did you see at the museum today
mini-aracer: Grandma and Grandpa

last weekend
spotting two sheep shagging in a field, "Oh look at those sheep, they're doing a conga!"

Sister-in-law takes her Sunday School class to church, on the way out the priest waves goodbye to the children, one stops and asks:

"Are you Jesus" 😆

A scream outside our door yesterday – next doors 4 year old daughter stood there drenched head to foot. Our 2 1/2 year old Jozef Stalin wannabe daughter laughing in a mwuuhhahahha stylee, holding the hosepipe…seeing a telling off was coming, she had to justify her actions – 'Shes a plant mummy and in this heat i had to water her!'. So there.

3yo nephew, to his mother descending the stairs before they go to a birthday party: "Aww, is that what you are wearing to the party? I wanted you to look cool like me."

Apparently, my brother decided to stay well out of the way for a few hours.

a few years ago in check out queue in tesco, little girl to mommy "mommy why have you got no knickers on today". check out girl and me trying very hard not to laugh and looking in all different directions, one very embarassed mother…….

I was walking my Chocolate Labrador along the disused railway line when a little girl out for a walk with her Mum just stopped dead in the middle of the trail, staring at the dog. I called her over (she walks to heel) as I thought the little girl might be scared of her. Instead, she pointed at the dog, all wide eyed and said "Mummy, it's a Gruffalo!!!". Me and her Mum couldn't help but burst out laughing.

buying a book for mum for Christmas, my then 3 yo asks if she can carry the book out of the shop. Not yet, i said, we have to pay the lady first. She looked at the shop assistant, then back at me. 'No, the man' she said.

That's not a man, that's a lady I said. Some ladies have short hair.

'Well it makes her look ugly'

She wasn't wrong. I just wasn't brave enough to say it.

grandma yossarian: its your birthday today and you are 3

little yossarian: no I'm not, I'm spiderman

was in mcdonalds and a little boy looking at the fat butch waitress said why does that lady look like a man! womans head droped and looked like she was about to start crying

my wife took our two or three year old daughter to the doctors for a vaccination- administered by a black nurse with an afro.
On the way out of reception to have the injection our daughter asked my wife, luckily in a small mumbled voice, why the lady looked like a monkey.

The nurse very quickly asked my wife what he said, wife replied 'she said that little boy over there looks like Monty (our son). My wife still isn't sure how much or clearly the nurse heard, but she seemed to accept it. One of those real 'wish the earth would open up moments'.

changing slimtubling Mk 1 after swimming lesson at the weekend and in walks a huuge Pacific Islander, approx 160 kg of obesity. My little 3 year old repeatedly says "daddy look at the fat man", ignoring my pleas for her to be quiet and not say things about people she doesnt know until i can hurridly dress her and get us the hell outta there.

A while ago we were stuck in traffic on the M4. A big hairy assed biker on a three wheeled trike motorbike came alongside us in the next lane.

My daughter looks out the window…. "Daddy, why does that man still have stabilisers on his bike?"

Me : "Where are you?"
My 2 year old : "Under the table."
Me : "Again? What is so fantastic under there?"
My 2 year old : "Me."

me: You look cute today
my son: I'm not cute I'm three and a half

Brilliant

Sitting watching TV with a friends daughter. She lets out a massive, couch shaking BBBBBRRRRAAP of a fart. We sit silence for a moment and then I ask
"was that you?"
"No" she says "its one of the the bears on the TV"
"But there aren't any bears on the TV"
"They're on another channel" she replied with a withering look

Another friends daughter had one of her dolls borrowed to play the part of Jesus in a nativity scene, and so the doll went by the name of Jesus there after. The next year Jesus was borrowed again, so a new doll was bought as a replacement. The new doll, Jesus's deputy, goes by the name of John the Baptist.

A mate of mine is big into walking and scrambling up mountains. He went round to a friend's house for lunch and they started talking about kit… shoes, waterproofs etc. The conversation came round to those plastic banana covers and the lady of the house declared that she would never buy one. She didn't care that they stopped your banana going mushy in your bag etc etc at which point their little daughter piped up:

"Mummy, you've told a fib"

"No i haven't"

"Yes you have Mummy, I know you've got a purple buzzy one in the drawer next to your bed!"

Cue : embarrassed silence and a quick change of subject.

my little girl to my wifes mate as she was changing the baby lads bum. "look mummy hes got a little willy like daddys" ;-(

A mate of mine was walking thru a big indoor shopping mall in Essex a few years ago with wifey and jnr (aged about 4 i think). It was a Saturday afternoon and crazy busy.
They realised jnr had gone awol and looked behind to see him face down on the floor with his shorts around his ankles. He also had his fingers up his butt.
When asked to explain himself, jnr answered that he had seen Bart Simpson do it on tv.
Speechless.
The Simpsons are banned in our household until mudpup jnr hits 18 years old.