How many premenstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb?
17
Why?
It just does,you b*stard.

starman+hovis+gold hill?

Thank God RD – I shouldn't have to think this hard first thing in the morning 😕

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
– "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
– "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
– "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
– "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
– "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
– "What is it son."
– "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Bear walks in to a bar, can I have a………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. pint of beer please
bar man says sure, but why the big pause

What's brown and sticky?
Anal

Knock Knock

"who's there?"

"A control freak, now you have to say 'Control Freak Who?'"

How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

I used to be into Necrophilia until some roten cu*t split on me….

A sandwich goes to the pub, walks up to the bar, asks for a drink, the barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food"

Owain Hughes

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Q) What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A) The little boy under my stairs

You're going to hell.

what's pink and dusty?

maddie maccaanns bike

What do you call three epileptics in a bath?

A jacuzzi.

(At Christmas parties I read that out in place of the one on the Christmas cracker)

I'm Josef Fritzl and no windows was my idea

A man walked into a bar.

It's not a joke, he just didn't see it.

Whats blue and doesn't fit?

A Dead epilectic

You know your boyfriend doesn't do predictive txt when you get a message that says

Id luv 2 kick ur puppy

Invitation to the Premature Ejaculation Club's Xmas party:
No dress code, just come in your jeans…

What do you call seven epileptics in a sleeping bag?

A pack of Wrigleys

I'm dyslexic and I made 7 windmills.

whats white and red and sits up a tree?

sanitary owl

did you hear about the pig farmer that got done for s**gging one of his pigs?

apparently it squealed on him.

FOR SALE Stannah Stairlift, unused Christmas present.
Contact Deirdre Barlow on Weatherfield 558 2335 (not after 7.30pm)

whats the best thing about 26 year olds?
theres 20 of them!

2retro4u
Marin County, Cali

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Ssssss…crash!

For his 85th birthday Larry's friends in the nursing home chip in and hire a prostitute.

Larry answered the knock on the door to his room to find a stunning young woman dressed as Wonder Woman. "Hi Larry," she purrs, "I'm here to give you super sex!"

"Wonderful," says Larry. "I'll have the soup."

Michael Jacksons girlfriend was said to be devestated after his death, speaking to reporters she said " first my parents leave me alone in portugal and now this happens" !!

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who know binary and those who dont.

Hora

Old McDonald had Tourettes, Eee Aye Eee Aye C*nt.

How do sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch!

Made my Cat go woof yesterday – must remember not to smoke when she's covered in petrol.

Made my Dog go miaow – teah him to hide in the hedge when I got my chainsaw out

We used to hear this a lot in the 1940's;

"You put your left leg in, you put your right leg in"

Especially when Douglas Bader was packing his suitcase.

They dont really celibrate X mas in Cambodia although last year they did consider hanging Glitter

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

What was the similarity between Rum and Gary Glitter….
They both come in tots

What's the similarity between Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman? Neither of them can finish a sentence.