Just need to sound this out if thats ok – try to keep comments sensible;-

My wife of 6 years (together 8 before that) told me about 3 weeks ago she had been meeting a work colleague at lunch for a snog in the car park. Said it had been going on for about 2 months or so. Prior to that he had been a big support to her when she returned to work after the birth of our second child last May. She said since last May she has slowly fallen out of love with me because I put too much emphasis on bedroom stuff too soon. We have acknowledged this was perhaps an attention thing by me as with me being at work I felt left out of our new family – selfish as that sounds.

That loss of love for me coincided with a growing love for him.

Anyway. She told me in bed 3 weeks ago. I left for the night before she asked me back the next day. The day after that she went to work, saw him and changed her mind again. I left again and again she asked me back. A few nights later I for some reason checked her phone bill and saw she had been texting him after I had returned and we said we were working things out. I have said I understand what she had done although not condone it it in anyway but that we could work things out. She had agreed.

Fast forward to tonight – I just happen to check her work mobile and found a message to him (under the name Jessica) saying “…still luv u tho”.

I asked her and she said it was a private SIM he had given her to put in her work phone so they could text, but that this only happened last Friday.

I have since asked her to leave. I am angry that to me it seems like she wasn’t trying and that our 15 years meant nothing compared to this 3 month schoolground crush. She said she’s not sure she can see herself falling in love with me again, and isn’t sure she wants to try.

Feel like I’ve been through the wringer a dozen times.

Any ideas how to move forward?

You don’t trust her now “I just happen to check her work mobile” – will you ever?

Any ideas how to move forward?

Speak to Relate? If it’s beyond that, a good solicitor.

I wouldn’t have trusted her for ages after the first revelation, let alone the second or third, I’d have been checking her phone, email sat nav, etc from the get go.

Don’t expect too much from this forum, do what feels right and live with the consequences, don’t blame yourself and do what you can to sort things out, but it has to be on a totally honest footing on both sides, if not then cut your losses and rebuild your life, your kids will be better off with a short amount of upheavel now and stability later, rather than drag it on for years and years.

Not much empathy there if she ‘fell out of love’ with you because of an over emphasis on the bedroom for a short period of time. Sounds like she’s just being childish and wants some fun – doesn’t like being committed. One day she’ll learn the grass is always greener on the other side.

Me and my girlfriend annoy each other on a frequent basis but we talk a lot and try to understand how the other feels. We are frank with each other but get over our spats quite quickly.

Not sure if it’s the same with you??

Relate + 1

She sounds very confused. I would recommend backing off and not forcing things to spiral. Go easy.

IMO

I’d say don’t do anything to humiliate yourself, keep a sense of decency and calm and take the high road with this issue. That way your self esteem will stay barely intact.

Chasing partners and going all romantic seems to work for some people though.

She sounds very confused.

OP shouldn’t get shafted as a result, though.

Speak to Relate? If it’s beyond that, a good solicitor.

+1

Find a hotter woman – make sure you do something akin to this

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCsgh-5zRFE[/video]

Hmmm, I tend to agree with ernie. You need some professional help.

Dare I suggest that some of you are not reading the OP’s post thoroughly, preferring instead to blame the woman?

Dare I suggest that some of you are not reading the OP’s post thoroughly, preferring instead to blame the woman?

Obviously we are all misogynists on here, but can you explain what you mean?

What a prize bitch. Kick her out and keep the kids, you know she would do that if it were the other way round.

Jamie – 2nd para, 4th sentence. There’s your clue.

Realistically, it’s rarely 100% one party’s fault – as acknowledged in the OP

wee
in
her
shoes

Jamie – 2nd para, 4th sentence. There’s your clue.

Surprisingly, I actually did read the OP, yet I still don’t think that is justification for what followed.

Cinnamon girl. Are you suggesting that if he went and started a new relationship because his wife didn’t want to have sex too soon (let’s say sub 3 months) after giving birth it would then be the wife’s fault? Because that’s the opposite of what has happened.

She chose to go off with another bloke.

Occasionally people take their eye on the ball and do daft things. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over that in and of itself.

Lying, subterfuge, ‘special SIMs’, carrying on for weeks after being sprung; far bigger crimes IMHO.

Most telling is, “she doesn’t want to try.” Reasons and excuses aside (and what’s she’s given you is just that), either you both want to work this out or you don’t.

On the upside, she came clean unprompted, which is a good sign.

Relate et al aside, you both need to talk first and foremost, and decide which direction you both want to be moving in.

Sorry to hear,
tbh her heads been turned & long term they don’t tend to turn back, sorry just my honest opinion.
Can u back off and go stay with someone for a while, family friends?
You would think staying around & talking about it would help but tends to have the opposite affect.
Been through this myself worked it out then a couple of years later it happened again ( never again )
Good luck & keep riding your bike it helped me stay sane during all the sh*te 🙂

holy cow! I couldn’t trust her – Infact I’d have probably lost a lot of care for her after situations like that… Sounds like you need some professional advice fo shure as it’s not massively clean cut and not worth any rash decisions.

I do understand that this is a big issue (2nd para 4th sentence) and we did have a couple of heated discussions over the last few months about this and me generally being nicer. In the last 3 weeks I have started getting CBT for my stress/frustration/anger issues – she said I shouted at her too much over trivial things (this is true) which also made her fall out of love with me. She has said that in the last 6 weeks things on this front have got loads better.

Cinnamon girl. Are you suggesting that if he went and started a new relationship because his wife didn’t want to have sex too soon (let’s say sub 3 months) after giving birth it would then be the wife’s fault? Because that’s the opposite of what has happened.

She chose to go off with another bloke.

+1

Remember guys, it’s always and I do mean always your fault.

she said I shouted at her too much over trivial things (this is true) which also made her fall out of love with me.

There’s abusive shouting and then there’s being a bit opinionated and hot headed. Which one were you?

Cougar – that’s how I’m feeling. I can get my head around the affair wierdly, but not the lying and wot not. And this really annoys me as we had days out with the kids when we were trying, for me to find out she was texting him!

Guys – have you any idea how a woman feels after giving birth? Physically you can feel crap cos your figure has gone, boobs have gone South if you’re breastfeeding, stretch marks everywhere, your skin and hair can change, hormones all over the place. It’s seriously C R A P!

The last thing you want is pressure to have sex.

Possibly she’s enjoying the flattery/flirting with no pressure to ‘perform’. But it comes across as though she’s mixed up/doesn’t know what she wants/what you want etc etc.

You’ve got kids and it really would be worth attempting to try and find a way through it, via Relate as suggested.

I really don’t understand why some of you guys can be so nasty with your comments.

Which excuses a lot of behaviour, but not having a relationship whilst still married.

Yes Cinnamon girl – I understand that. I have unreservedly apologised for that. But at no point has there been any acknowledgement of what I felt like being pushed out of my new family – I think the sex thing was seeking attention as this was something she couldn’t get elsewhere. Might be nonsense.

Cinnamon girl – People always have differences though and they work through them. Incidentally how long would you hang around if your blokes dong stopped working or he got 3rd degree facial burns?

He realized what he did was wrong didn’t he?

Sounds like she may have post natal problems still and you have been to keen for a shag after a new sprog?.I think you need to seek help to resolve this together .I hope it works out ok.

It’s seriously C R A P!

Pretty crap when someone cheats on you (not necessarily sex) and lies to you as well.

Sorry giving birth may well mess up the relationship dynamics a fair bit & maybe lead to some sort of indescretion but pre meditated with planning then I’m afraid there’s no excuse for that.

She has said we have had good sex since the 2nd sprog arrived – when it was caring. But at other times she said she’s gone along even though she didn’t want to, without telling me.

From the sounds of it there’s some serious communication issues on both sides (before you mentioned the stress/shouting/anger).
My daughters 2 now and after she was born when it wasn’t blatantly obvious that sex wasnt on the cards I was told in no uncertain terms! Actually, that’s still the case 😀

That absolutely doesn’t excuse what she’s been up to, and more to the point she’s been up to it repeatedly despite being busted.

Chances are the blokes a dick is after a risky fumble in the car park rather than wanting to move in with someone with 2 kids who’s been married for ~8 years. tbh, if i think back 10 years or so that could have been me and i’d not even have considered the consequences to the husband/family (not proud, just making a point about 20 somethings)

Most of my friends in your position have got in trouble with their partners for NOT at least pretending to look at them in that way post child birth!

Hope you can work it out, but its not sounding like a great place to be at the moment.

Also the OP doesn’t need to sent down a spiralling self pitying vertical dive because someone on teh internets told him obviously it was his fault because he pushed sexy time on his wife to much. That will make him depressed and eventually even more angry and bitter when he turns that depression back outwards.

As long as he realizes some of it was his fault..(as it always is..no one is entirely to blame…..) this whole thread is here to cheer him up, boost his morale, entertain him or whatever you like to call it. The real advice will come from his family, friends and/or a psychologist.

It can take up to a year for a woman’s hormones to revert to normal.

Whilst it’s great being a mum to a new baby, sometimes one wants to be treated as a woman. You know, getting away from baby sick, dirty nappies and all those delightful tasks that we’re supposed to do with a smile on our face.

Escape-ism.

I suppose that’s the problem – from what she has said, it does seem more than a quick car park fumble. He’s married as well but with no kids. She says they have become close over a period of 8 months or so and only in June she decided to kiss him and things have grown from there. She says she loves him and misses him.

CG – don’t think anyone is denying those things can be a factor and might help explain. Doesn’t make it ok though.

Oh he’s married too eh? 😐

It can take up to a year for a woman’s hormones to revert to normal.

Whilst it’s great being a mum to a new baby, sometimes one wants to be treated as a woman. You know, getting away from baby sick, dirty nappies and all those delightful tasks that we’re supposed to do with a smile on our face.

Escape-ism.

I refer you to my previous post.

Also the OP doesn’t need to sent down a spiralling self pitying vertical dive because someone on teh internets told him obviously it was his fault because he pushed sexy time on his wife to much. That will make him depressed and eventually even more angry and bitter when he turns that depression back outwards.

As long as he realizes some of it was his fault..(as it always is..no one is entirely to blame…..) this whole thread is here to cheer him up, boost his morale, entertain him or whatever you like to call it. The real advice will come from his family, friends and/or a psychologist.

Also escapism is no excuse, if she can’t handle being a mother or is not willing to sit down and talk about how to make both their lives easier then someone else should have custody. What’s being treated like a woman anyway? Being flirted with or being wined and dined? Well being treated like a man is being shagged, therefore following your logic the OP should have gone out and found another woman.

Again, it’s always the mans fault.

* bangs head against wall *

People can not be programmed in the same way that computers can. Logic can not be applied to emotional decisions!

As regards ‘can’t handle being a mother’, well nobody actually knows whether they will be up for the job. You can’t take them back to Tesco for a refund!