I’ve got no advice to add beyond hoping that in 5 years time both the OP, his wife and most importantly their children all agree that the right decisions were made in September/October 2012.

Ok, one piece of advice – your primary responsibility is to your children. Do whatever you have to to give them an environment they can grow up feeling happy and nurtured.

Without knowing if she’s suffering from PND or similar it will be difficult to make a reasoned decision. (Failure to seek a diagnosis would help you but may not be good for her in the future). Have a timescale for finding out if its mental health needing treatment then off you go.
Make the best choice you can for your children.

When theres kids involved, its gotta be worth trying to fix, id definately go down the counselling/relate route

You have to balance your own self-respect with the points like those made by CG

Ignore the doom meisters, you’ve a young family & a lot of emotions to work through so it ain’t gonna be easy but you seem to think its worth a fight, so do exactly that & seek some professional relationship advice.

Yes but the trouble is, the OP’s missus doesn’t seem to think that does she, and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.

If the OP tries to work things through (again) then it’s kind of like saying to his wife “you’ve had an affair, but that’s okay because whatever you do I’ll stay with you and try to work things through anyway”. This will just lead to a downward cycle where the OP looses all self respect and his wife feels like she can do as she pleases knowing that the OP is too weak to stand up to her. The likely scenario here, once the OP has reached rock bottom is that she will eventually leave the OP just as soon as a better (in her eyes) option comes along.

Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won’t mean anything emotionally – it can just be sex, that’s it. Most women can’t do this and with your wife it’s the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.

Stand up for yourself, love and be there for your kids and you will retain all of your self respect. Easier said than done but it’s worked well for me. Good luck.

Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won’t mean anything emotionally – it can just be sex, that’s it. Most women can’t do this and with your wife it’s the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.

Where’s your proof that she’s had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don’t you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Where’s your proof that she’s had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don’t you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Whether this is the case or not it doesn’t really matter – it’s trust that’s important in a relationship and frankly there just does not appear to be any. I’m sure the OP can make his own decisions but I’m just trying to help by passing on my experience, and that of several mates who have been in similar situations and some whom I’ve seen make the wrong decisions to stay with their wives/girlfriends, which they now regret big time.

If anyone has any cases where a relationship has recovered from this sort of thing then I’m sure the OP would like to hear about these too – it’s just in my experience I’m not familiar with any personally.

and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.

this is all I am suggesting rather than crash & burn, it has to be worth a good attempt to resolve rather than ditching at the first sign of trouble, even with the best working relationship between ex’s life with parents split will be hard on the kids & the OP has a young family to consider.

Whether this is the case or not it doesn’t really matter

I think it does. And if you don’t, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.

Where’s your proof that she’s had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don’t you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?

Sex or not, the OP is stating that she has feelings of “love” for this other guy. Assuming she’s adult enough to be able to distinguish “love” and “lust”, then I’m afraid that looks like a very telling answer.

And staying together “for the children” is an oxymoron. The short-term disruption of a semi-amicable split will be better than an entire childhood of charged atmospheres and mistrust.

I think it does. And if you don’t, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.

How’s about this: it’s not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡

I haven’t yet read all the replies.

OP, you have my sympathies. I sincerely hope you work all this out.

There is a difference between “staying together for the children” & working at your marriage for the children & yourselves.

no way would i try to stay together ‘for the kids’ again.
i tried it before, it doesnt work.
ive been in a similar situation to the op, my wife admitted to me that she had ‘met’ a guy on the internet and was leaving me for him, months later i found out it had been going on for 3 months before she told me.
he gave her all the bulls hit about how he was a millionaire, owned 5 houses etc, even told her after he had divorced his first wife he would probably have enough left over to buy another ferrari.
and she fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
fast forward a decade, turns out it was all bulls hit, hes worse off than i am, and im skint!
we seperated, then got divorced, i met someone else, remarried and honestly ive never been happier.
trust (or, lack of) is the issue here, i think it always is.
im not gonna advise the op on what to do, hes a big boy now and has probably already decided deep down what needs to be done.
good luck buddy.

why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw

It’s not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs – it’s just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that’s all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.

If a husband has a quick affair with a work colleague and the wife asks “did it mean anything?”. If he says “no” then there’s a good chance he’s probably telling the truth. Ask the same thing to your wife who’s had an affair and if she says “no it didn’t mean anything” then there’s a good chance she’s probably lying. It’s not right, it’s not wrong, it’s just how we as humans are built 95% of the time.

zokes – Member

How’s about this: it’s not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡

Plus you have no proof that she’s had sex with the guy. Just presumably a hunch.

A kiss in a car, come now gentlemen, what gets kissed in cars?

I think you said it yourself early on……you want to try but she loves someone else and doesn’t want to try and love you.

As hard, and painful, as this is, it is the root of why it should end cleanly now. Anything you put in to sorting this out, and it’ll be a lot, will be stripped from you as it’ll be a one sided effort. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

My parents divorced when I was young, maybe 4. My siblings were 2 and another a few months. Growing up with 2 happy individuals in my life, as opposed to an arguing, untrusting, couple, has done me zero harm and has left me with much fonder memories of childhood than some of my friends whose parents went the other way.

It’s hard, will make you feel sick I’d imagine, but in my opinion (for what that is worth) you should ask her to politly find another place to stay whilst you both begin to seperate. There is no reason you should be the one to leave by the way – my dad raised us.

Reality check:
Get yourself a solicitor.
Hide your assets.

“Hide your assetts” – won’t take long!

I’m fairly sure there hasn’t been more than just a kiss – there’s been no opportunity.

Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can’t forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together. She seem not to want to tell her folks/sister. I think this is because it will burst the bubble of her relationship with him, bringing it out into the open.

Should we go to relate anyway – whatever the outcome?

Should we go to relate anyway – whatever the outcome?

That depends on a couple of things:

a) Do you think you’ll ever be able to regain the level of trust you used to have in her

b) Do you think she’ll ever value those 15 years as much as you clearly do

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then IMO no amount of counseling or mediation will solve the issue, it might just make it more amicable until something else cases the issue to rear its ugly head again.

EDIT: (And thanks Ernie) “It’s likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum. ”

Should we go to relate anyway – whatever the outcome?

It’s likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum.

Should we go to relate anyway – whatever the outcome?

Nothing to lose and possibly something to gain, yes. I can’t see their advice being worse than a bunch of MTBers on a forum and as you’re still posting here the replies so far must have offered some comfort, useful content or light relief.

It’s not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs – it’s just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that’s all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.

This stuff has been said a lot over the years, it is finally being challenged a bit and the recognition that ‘psychology’ is a young subject area and the differences between men and women may be due to society, rather than anything fundamental, has been a long time coming. I don’t believe there’s a fundamental difference and I think the proof that has been produced (think: Men are from Mars, Women from Venus and everything it spawned) has been routinely and professionally critiqued.

Anyway, OP you have my sympathies, I haven'[t been through what you’re going through so can’t offer any useful advice, except it might be an idea to get yourself down to the UG clinic for a check up. I believe this is standard advice for those finding out about affairs (even those claimed not to have become sexual).

I’m fairly sure there hasn’t been more than just a kiss – there’s been no opportunity
But the will was there. Just my opinion, but once the trust has been broken, Well. Some things, when they break. Can’t be fixed.

Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can’t forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together.

Our pasts are important to us, so is the future.

But we live in the Now.

Should we go to relate anyway – whatever the outcome?

Simple answer, ask your wife whether she want’s to go to Relate. This will prove if she’s serious about fixing things. If she says yes then maybe you have a slim chance. If she says no, and is not prepared to fully open up and discuss the issue then it’s better you walk sooner rather than later.

If he owns in a Micra, you’re fine, can’t do much more than kiss….

…. but if he has a van on the other hand…

She’s deluding herself if the thinks people can still experience the same feelings of love after 6 years together; they have to settle down into a routine. In seeking more of this so-called “love” she is demonstrating her intellectual immaturity. And damaging you and the colleague. Is she worth that?

I can’t imagine life without my son, and soon to be next child. As flattering as it is to be admired by, have a conversation with, have lunch with, have a drink with another woman albeit friend / work colleague, I take a good look around me and decide that I don’t want to tear down everything I’ve “built” over the last 10-15 years for a snog / shag with another woman.

I’d also want to build the best life possible for my kids.

Maybe you should ask your o/h that question. At the end of the day she’s walking away from her children and thier lives and the ability to have more of a positive influence on thier future – has she thought of the impact her actions will have on them?

And (with respect) have you? It sounds as though you’re not entirely innocent behavior wise, so perhaps its time to sit with her in a neutral place and discuss the issues, the potential outcomes and share your mutual thoughts about how you want your kids to grow up, how each of you feel that the other should modify your behavior – leave the “L” word out of the conversation. Be a family unit, for your kids. We all **** up from time to time, but the mark of the man / woman is what you do from there. You might forgive her, and in return she might return to be a good mother to your kids, and you’s give her the space she needs to do so. She in return needs to understand that running to another man isn’t the answer.

And btw, for all those that sneak a look at your wife phone bills, thats her business, and by doing that you are breaking a trust barrier, even in your own paranoid head. Trust is an essential part of the relationship and thats just starting the rot.

Wife doesn’t have to go to Relate. It will help the OP marshal his thoughts. They help you provide your own decision by asking questions, Relate won’t provide the answers though.
All the best to you and your family.

Oh dear, I am sorry to hear this.

On the one hand, I’ve had children – it does PROPERLY **** with your head. On the other hand, I’ve also been cheated on, and I found the loss of trust untenable (the actual act is bad enough, one could forgive a spur-of-the-moment drunken knee-trembler, but not the systematic lying).

Why not try a few sessions at Relate? See how it goes, see what effort both of you are putting in. You need to keep your self-respect and dignity (while acknowledging that your lady may have PND) so assess the situation regularly and be prepared to act accordingly.

I think the texts/contact with the other bloke have to stop though. I personally would insist on that (and yes, I’d probably go and have a word (or more) – particularly if your lady HAS got PND and he has taken advantage of that).

Good luck 🙂

Another recommendation for Relate.

And stay strong.

emma82 – Member
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, one of the most truly disgusting things (I think) that someone can do is have an affair. It’s disrespectful, hurtful and unforgivable. The problem with going to somewhere like relate is that it won’t sort out the underlying issue here and that is that your wife deals with issues in a cowardly way. She now knows she is capable of an affair, how it makes her feel and most importantly how you deal with it when you find out. Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn’t feeling her sexy best but she shouldn’t honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.

At the end of the day the woman had a baby, billions of women manage to have babies and keep there knickers on except for taking them off for their husband. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of knowing the consequences her actions have, yet she still continued to see this guy. That must tell you a lot. This is now going to turn into some horrible cycle for you if you stay with her, in two years time you’ll find she’s had another affair, there will always be someone in the background and she’ll always be on the look out. eventually she’ll find someone that will take her on and she’ll leave you and you’ll have to go through all this again. This is your opportunity to get rid now and move on, she’s proved that your 15 years have meant nothing whatsoever and never will. Get out now and start to rebuild your life, find someone who respects you enough not to mess around.

I’m sad to say that this is the truth.

I struggle with long sentences.

I’ve been that person, the one who had the affair.
Anyone who thinks life will click along like its on rails is in for a shock, sooner or later. And although its a cliche, if you’ve not been involved in it, if you have no direct experience, there is much that you won’t understand.

there is much that you won’t understand.

quite possibly, but everyone understands that having an affair is a fundamentally dishonest act, don’t they?

Sorry for what’s going on, it’s shit.

Gotta say I agree with Emma, she knew what she was doing, she’s got a special SIM!!!! c’mon that’s lying end of!

Possibly she’s enjoying the flattery/flirting with no pressure to ‘perform’. But it comes across as though she’s mixed up/doesn’t know what she wants/what you want etc etc.

Get a grip springs to mind – There’s kids involved…

FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We’d often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.

We’d often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.

You didn’t fancy her, in other words.
😉

druidh – Member
FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We’d often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.

The fact that you had the sense to take the benefits of the ‘support’ without ‘taking it further’ is the difference here imo.

The fact that she’s is asking him back makes it even worse.

OP – I would say seek advice from someone whom you can trust (not a solicitor) but who will give you the cold hard truth whether you like it or otherwise and lay your terms down to your wife.

Just make sure you stick to them.

Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn’t feeling her sexy best but she shouldn’t honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.

But that was just an excuse in the first place – her way of justifying her actions. Him wanting to have a sex life was never *really* the reason.

been there seen the film read the book got a dozen t shirts.. no matter how much you want something, you might not get it.

seems like you had a great time for all those years, and you look back on them fondly and rightly so.

now turn a page and move on.

plan a life without her and get started. be fair be firm, compromise means everybody gets what they didnt want. so have a clear idea of what post marraige short and med term looks like and stick to it.

do not be a victim twice over