First “rude” joke I was ever told at school. Still remember it 40 years later!

“The swan spat at me so I crushed it’s eggs and set fire to it’s nest”

plus the only ‘funny’ joke my Mum’s 2nd husband ever told-
“Absess makes the fart go ‘Honda'”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the lazy, work-shy, thieving, bin dipping, piss stained shell suit wearin, granny stabbing, crack dealing bastards I’m putting next to them in Merseyside.”

So Paddy bent over and put his head in the barbed wire fence

An Irish burglar

Slobadan Manobyabitch

When you get a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once.

David Cameron. George Osborne. Michael Gove.
Best punch line ever, but not to a joke.

‘Have you seen my milk float?’

“know it!? i f*cking wrote the c*nt”

My therapist told me to do something sexy to a tractor ( attract her) .

Lemon entry dear Watson

You’d have a go at eating a cricket ball

Abergavenny, wear the fox hat.

No, because if you wear wellies you can’t turn them onto their backs and kiss them!

It’s amazing what you can do when you bite your own cock

A right ear, a left ear, and a final front-ear.

No eye deer

Still no eye deer

Still no bloody eye deer

Dug

Don’t be silly, we’ll go when it’s dark.

If you can guess how many there are, you can have both of ’em.

‘Weeeeeee’.

Bavit Daily? Who’s he?

j’ya think he suarus

Remember being told a ‘rude’ joke when I was very young with the punchline

“yes, it is isn’t it”

but never really got the joke. Took a good few years before I realised the punchline was actually

“yes, it DOES doesn’t it”

which makes much more sense 😀

Jock the coalman!

“No”, whispers the choir boy “I think it’s the reflection off her shoes”

“MOO!”

“ah yes, he apologies for crapping in my pants too”

Wigan address!

All right lads, tea break’s over. Back on your heads.

Haven’t read the preceding five pages so apologies for any repeats

1/ E-wa Woo-wa (an old one)
2/ you can never tell what dangers are lurking in The Shadows (a current one)
3/ cos you’re givin’ it all that! (a pub one)
4/ Cos I shat in mine (a very old Peanuts one)
5/ A super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis (a religious one)

okay, read ’em now and no repeats! Here’s a few more:

6/ she choked on her own Vimto
7/ Jeremy Beadle – twice!
8/ So I gave her one
9/ Don’t throw sand in his eyes!

Cos Hanns that does dishes can be soft as Jarvais with mild green hairy lip squid

I SAID…BUMMING MAKES YOU DEAF!!!

It’s pronounced “quiche“, Mr. President.

You can beat an egg, ……
Never let a day go by
Until I discovered Smirnoff
And I thought Smirnoff was a good drink until I discovered….
One can make your whole day but the other makes your whole week