OK, so in time honoured style a “friend of a friend” (no really – it’s genuinely true), has done something they shouldn’t have done and after discussion with my partner we’re not sure what the right thing to do is – which is where you come in (hopefully).

So, to the story…

Said friend of friend – let’s call her “Katie”, is going out with a really nice bloke – the sort you can have a pint with and quickly appreciate he’s a shy but sincere trusting sort. We’ll call this nice bloke “Peter”.

Katie has just returned from a far flung holiday somewhere where there are very high rates of STI’s and HIV. Katie met one of the locals and they soon got down to business – several times. We don’t know whether protection was used but the suite of tools and techniques were applied.

My view is that given where Katie went, Peter needs to be told asap so he can be tested given the possibility of contracting a serious long term condition such as herpes or HIV.

I believe that if Katie won’t tell Peter, someone else should so that he at least ensure protection is used with Katie until she’s been tested and given the all clear – there’s a chance they may have already had a bunk up since she returned.

My partner believes we should encourage the other people on the trip to coerce Katie into telling Peter and then both going for tests. This is not likely to happen though as the other friends on the trip don’t see the need to confront Katie over her behaviour.

Neither myself or my partner know Peter well having only met him once. My partner has known Katie for over a year as part of an friendship group. Although we could let Peter know anonymously, it would impact on the other people on the holiday and the relationships between them – it’s probably also worth mentioning that Katie and Peter have invited us over for dinner.

Having put myself in Peter’s shoes I really think he should be told if Katie won’t tell him herself. Myself and my partner are “not supposed to know” as what went on the holiday wasn’t supposed to be shared. I’d hate him to be put at risk of contracting something serious given this could be prevented.

So what should you do? Should Peter be told, and if so, by whom? And should someone else tell him if Katie won’t?

yep id tell him !!!

Very difficult but too important to leave to chance. I think you should have a quiet word with him.

So Katie is a yo-yo knickered slapper who might have given Peter a full house

Yep I would tell him

Bearing in mind the possible long term implications, I’d let him know asap.

She can’t think much of him to sh@g someone on holiday, behind his back and then lie about it.

He has to know. Think how you would feel if somewhere down the line he gets HIV and you could have done something. You’re in a difficult position, but you now have a duty. It doesn’t matter who tells him, but he has to know asap, before tonight ideally.

Both for the betrayal of trust but more for the potential for catching something, he needs to be told.

Think about it in a different way. If your friend knew and didn’t tell you and you got the dreaded HIV. How would you feel? Suicidle I bet.

Tell him – or he could end up dying/infertile/etc

He needs to know. Katie may well do this again and start spreading the std. He probably wouldn’t though, as he sounds the type not to sleep around.
Also this gives him chance to lick his wounds and find a nicer more suitable gf.

Well I was gonna suggest you stay out of it, but I can see I’m in a teensy bit of a minority there… But speaking from unpleasant experience, I’d say this:

I’m not saying it’s a trivial matter, and I appreciate the potential gravity of the situation – I’d umm and aah about it too – but my instinct is it’s more ethical to stay out of it. It sounds like it’s fair to say you don’t know either K or P very well, and so who knows what their relationship is like behind closed doors. I’d let them be. I’d think I was being a bit hysterical and prejudiced thinking K’s a total trolloping slapper with zero morality who’s def had unprotected sex and has def got HIV and is def gonna give P it and he’s def gonna die. It’s a bit unfair on her to stereotype her, and a bit patronising to think he needs protecting from his other half by people who have met him once and know her only peripherally for not very long. Given how little you know it feels to me it’d be tremendously arrogant and self-important to wade in messianically with your tales of tittle tattle and morals.

I’d say you’ve gotta trust people, have faith in them and let them live their lives without interference or trying to enforce your opinions, judgements and values on them. Especially when you’re basing those opinions on third-party accounts of an event that *may* affect a relationship between two people neither of whom you really know. Even if it seems a dangerous situation to you, meddling never helps.

Just my tuppence. Difficult to make a call without being privy to all the datials and in your shoes, but I’ve been in similar situs and that’s my impression. It might be a different if it was your best friends and you were very close to one/other/both and had proper knowedge of their relationship, not just what *could* amount to gossip and bitching and stereotypes. I’m going out in a mo, so the anticipated STW flaming I receive for this viewpoint will thankfully fall on deaf ears… 😕

I’m going out in a mo, so the anticipated STW flaming I receive for this viewpoint will thankfully fall on deaf ears.

I actually agree completely with what you say. People can’t go around sorting other people’s relationship issues – it just isn’t their responsibility. But as you say, if it was a ‘best friend’ that we were talking about, then the responsibility threshold would be higher.

The most I would consider doing is dropping heavy hints to Katie that you know about her shenanigans and very strongly disapprove of them.

I would try and get Katie to get tested for nasties but I think it’s up to her to tell him (or not).

That said I would want to be told if I was Peter.

I would be tempted to tell but I don’t think it is clear cut

Difficult one. But it’s like the “drunk driver” question, you can’t take the chance that Katie is going to ruin P’s life as well as her own.

So, it’s moral blackmail time. I would have a quiet word with K first, even at the risk of stopping any friendship, and say that you’d heard about the fling and that she hadn’t used condoms….and ask about her sex life with P. And say that he needs to be warned if she hasn’t been tested for STIs on her return, which she may have been.

So, like the drunk driving situation, you need to be prepared to spoil a friendship in the off chance that you will save someone from injury or worse. At least you’ll not lose P as a mate.

Why not have a chat with ‘Katie’ – tell her what you know, clarify the situation and encourage her to come clean while expressing your concerns around std’s etc – a persons health is far more important than cheesing some one off

ffs you can’t go around asking someone about the details of their sex lives with someone else, and whether they ‘used a condom’ 😯

People have affairs all the time, behave badly, and yes, screw up their relationships. But unless it’s someone close to you, keep out of it and mind your own business.

The chances are that ‘Katie’ hasn’t got aids …….. what is this ? are we back in the 1980s to the days of mass tabloid-fuelled hysteria over aids ?

Another vote for staying the hell out of it. It is their problem, their relationship IMHO.

As has been said not a nice choice though.

I’d tell the guy.

Then he’ll realise what a two-timing,back stabbing,untrustworthy,dirty slut he’s landed himself with.

It is a must nowadays to check up on the “goods” before committing long term. Tell him or her to get both for general STI checkup before doing the business. Unless they want to go for adoption in future.

STI info

The one that might not give any symptom is Gonorrhoea (apparently very common) but obviously HIV is even worst.

“One to two in every 10 men have no symptoms. Non-genital infections often have no symptoms. … which may cause infertility.”

Also Trichomoniasis …

“Up to one in two people don’t have any symptoms.”

Pleasure do comes with nasties if not careful …

😯

You decline the dinner invitation, then when asked why you give your honest reasons.

Why not say to her “Get yourself tested or we’ll tell Peter”?

Why not say to her “Get yourself tested or we’ll tell Peter”?

I’d do this. But then I’m both a nosy sod and a coward.

PS, I think that playing away on holiday doesn’t automatically make her a slapper, don’t be so judgemental folks. Doubt we’d be so critical if it was a guy… And no real reason to suspect that they weren’t safe with it.

The easy way to do it is to take out a full page advert in the paper that he reads, telling him to get a check up as his GF is known as Flora.

He deserves better, and deserves to be told.

Are you prepared to lose the friendship of Peter, Katie and all mutual friends? Unfortunately that’s likely to happen if you tell Peter himself, even with the best of intentions

Why not say to her “Get yourself tested or we’ll tell Peter”?

Not a bad idea. My concern would be with the possibility of Peter contracting any infection, and passing that on to someone else, etc, etc…

The ultimately responsible thing to do, is tell Katie to get herself tested. Start it there. If she comes back clear, then they can carry on their lives, as if nowt happened. As someone above said; don’t judge.

Unless she was shagging away in public on holiday, a) how do you know she actually shagged said party? b) how do you know if she did that she didn’t use protection? c) how does other party from holiday group know so much about it? d) any danger that there may be some malicious intent in the rumour mongering? e) how do you know that Peter isn’t aware of it and happy with it? etc etc etc.

Sorry too many loopholes in this, I’m smelling Troll …

If not mind your own business

IIRC with certain STD you had to inform previous sexual partners so they could be tested. I was tested for cancer and it has been the only time I was hoping the results would come back with an STD.

If somebody knew my gf had been sleeping around on holiday or at home I’d want to be told. How sh*t would we all feel If we found out people knew about this and didn’t tell.

It seems you don’t really know this girl so you prob don’t really care if she cold shoulders you in the future, **** her and tell him (not literely though, even though she prob would)

confront her first
tell him if she wont

it’s your conscience

I’d tell the guy…..for all you know, you could very well save his life. How would you feel if she does have a dose and you could have possibly prevented poor Pete from getting it???

Even if she’s not, you’d do the guy a favor, im sure he doesnt want some bird who puts it about behind his back…

Write him an anonymous letter detailing you know what went on when Katie was on holiday, then it’s up to him sort it out for himself.

Or you could do the same to her, shock her in to doing something about it.

I wouldn’t go confronting people especially based on third hand information.

christ she must have been desperate or totally stupid to go jiggy with a ‘local guy’!

TELL HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!

shock her in to doing something about it.

What, like going to police because she been receiving anonymous letters saying, “you don’t know me but I know you, and I know you’ve been shagging around” ?

I think one of those motorway bridge banners is what you want here.

If you detail what your suspicions are which you outlined in you first post – she may have a disease which could endanger his health or even life, what do you think the police would say? Willful endangerment is one possible crime which you outlined in your original post – which you based on third hand information.

Are we sure Farmer John isn’t the ‘Holiday Sha@g’?

she may have a disease which could endanger his health or even life

Probably best to be certain that she is actually infected with Aids before making anonymous accusations through the post.

Or better still, accepting that whether people practice safe sex is probably not your business.

If someone came along challenging my morality and whether I had practised safe sex, I would tell them to **** off. Even if I had known them for a year.

trouble is it’s all well and good telling her to get etsted, but yuo won’t know whether she’s hiv clear ubtil a test 6 months after the potential innoculation episode ( the shag). How is peter protected during this time if he is not told.
If peter does not yet know, he needs to. His life may depend upon it, let alone his long term relationship. Sadly most UK group holiday destinations outside europe, and some within, are effectively thirld world areas, with communicable diseases rife, HepB, HepC, Hiv, TB, Chlamydia, Syphylis, Ghonarhea, Herpes to name but a few. Any girl hooking up with a local lad has, lets face it, probably fallen for one of the local lotharios who has had several other partners before and after her this holiday season alone, so chances of picking something more than a cold up are massive.

If you don’t tell him are you prepared to sit back and lie when he asks you later if you knew, when he’s telling you he has HIV?
Tell him. Hard choices are exactly that, but they still have to be made.