what do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? mac
What do you call a man wearing tworaincoats? MAx
What do you call a man wearing two rain coats in a cemetry? Max Bygraves (May well be lost on anyone under the age of thirty!)

What do you call a man with tomato plants on his head? Pete

Man with no grass in garden look, “forlorn”

Q. Why was 6 scared of 7?
A. Because 7 ate 9.

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the juggler.

What goes “Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!”?

A dog with a hair lip.

What’s yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

How do you get an elephant down out of a cherry tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait for Autumn.

How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
You nose touches the ceiling.

How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you get two elephants in a Mini?
One in the front, one in the back.

(How do you get two whales in a Mini?
Down the M6 to Liverpool and turn right.)

How do you know when two elephants are coming to your house?
A Mini stops outside and two elephants get out.

Why was the mushroom so popular at parties?
Because he was a fungi.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
It was following the chicken

What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway.

What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.

What do you call a lady on top of a house? Ruth.

What do get from a nervous cow?
Milkshake.

2 goldfish in a bowl, one says to the other ‘how d’you drive this thing’?

Why did the apple kiss the banana?
Because it had a-peal.

What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

I’ll get my coat

Good work everyone –

The carrott/parrott one was ‘stupid’ apparently – although it made me laugh.

The elephant ones will run and run…

Cheers,

C.

They generally do. Elephants, that is. Only if you scare ’em, though.

Surely it’s 2 fish in a tank? Or is that the surreal version?

Two teddies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the Army?
.
.
.
.
The one on the tank!

Current favourite in our house:

“Daddy, do you know me?”

“Yes, or course I know you”

“Knock, knock”

“Who’s there?

” I thought you said you knew me?”

It was funny the first three million times……

And of course…..

“My dog’s got no nose.”
“How does he smell?”
“TERRIBLE!!”

Well it gets me every time……

knock knock

who’s there

ieep

ieep who

urghhh you don’t do you

“toab”

2 goldfish in a (bowl)tank, one says to the other ‘how d’you drive this thing’?

doctor doctor the invisible man is here

tell him I cant see him

doctor doctor have you got anything for wind

yes a kite

What do you call a man with a hotel on his head?

Norman Tebbit

Dad – Bad news son, your mum’s left us. She went out for a pint of milk and she never came back.
Son – Whaaaaa! How will we cope?
Dad – It’s OK, we can use that powdered stuff.

What do you call an egyptian taxi driver?
Tootancomeoot

how do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?

He has a big E on is pyjamas

How do you know if you’ve passed an elephant?

the toilet won’t flush properly

and my sons fave at the moment

What’s invisible and smells of bananas?

monkey guff!

what’s a pirate’s favourite cheese

cheddaaarrgghhh!!

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Pile up

(hilarity ensues)

What do you call a donkey with three legs and only one eye?

A winkey wonkey..