Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 47 total)
  • Job or Relationship?
  • shooterman
    Full Member

    Has your job or your partner’s job ever cost you a relationship? Have you come close to splitting up over a job? Have you manged to avoid it and how?

    Smee
    Free Member

    No and no. Avoided by having a grip on reality and having a life.

    mikey-simmo
    Free Member

    Yes to the job costing a partner, twice, I’ve learned from it now honest.

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    BoardinBob
    Full Member

    Not yet but I have the potential of an overseas assignment on the horizon but my wife has a strong career here in the UK and she would remain here while I was away. I’ll be a 17 hour flight from home so popping home each weekend won’t be an option.

    Decisions, decisions.

    SaboteurCherie
    Free Member

    Depends on priorities. Surely, if love your partner enough, compromises can be made? It really just depends on what you hold to be of most importance, striking a balance, and of course, what your partner is willing to compromise in return.

    I consider myself to be flexible for the right person. Ideally, if I were to make that kind of sacrifice for someone, I would expect some form of compromise in return.

    Then again life is never that simple and often relationships are unequal, where in a relationship one person is aways “chasing” or “waiting on” the other. One partner’s lifestyle and job can determine the relationship itself. People do have a choice at the end of the day, and love is what should keep you together.

    *sighs*

    luke
    Free Member

    Isn’t there a way you could relocate somewhere that is mutually acceptable to both of you? especially as you both have skills that would surely be in demand most places.

    BoardinBob
    Full Member

    Isn’t there a way you could relocate somewhere that is mutually acceptable to both of you? especially as you both have skills that would surely be in demand most places.

    To be honest, the only way I’ll go is if they offer a package that covers both our salaries. My wife probably wouldn’t be able to work if she came with me so on a very basic level, from a financial perspective we wouldn’t go unless we had an income that matched our current level.

    shooterman
    Full Member

    My wife and I both have demanding jobs. However, I’ve been trough a tough time recently and she really didn’t have time for my issues and I didn’t want to dump all over her as I knew she had serious work issues.

    However, it’s obvious we’re no longer getting what we need from the relationship as work and the kids has become more important than us as individuals and as people in a relationship.

    I want to relocate to do work I really enjoy and have better career prospects but that would probably be the end of the marriage.

    luke
    Free Member

    BoardinBob I was talking about shooterman’s wife as I don’t know what yours does for a living.

    BoardinBob
    Full Member

    Ah 😆

    She’s an account manager for a pharma company. Not much chance of her finding a position in Shanghai 🙁

    Joxster
    Free Member

    Yes, my relationships have suffered due to jobs through most of my life. It’s time to put me first and not the job, my life has had to much heartache and pain.

    mudshark
    Free Member

    Not much chance of her finding a position in Shanghai

    Horrible place IMO! My wife’s Chinese and would like us to live over there somewhere but I don’t know where would be a good place to live.

    zaskar
    Free Member

    Talk to each other (oh and listen).

    Work it out if you both love each other. If no love-why are you together?

    Good luck in whatever you choose-just make sure you love her and she loves you. Don’t blame each other if you give up the career and not happy.

    Compromise but don’t do long distance unless you see each other easily and often.

    :mrgreen:

    shooterman
    Full Member

    Actually Zaskar, it’s not my job which is the problem. I manage my caseload to get home by 6.30, spend time with the kids, get an hours work done. Then up at 6 to get another hour’s work done before the kids get up.

    A few hours at the weekened helps me keep on top of things. Probably 14 hours overtime per week.

    The problem is the wife appears to have become obsessed with her job. She’s out 3-4 nights per week, when she’s not at work it’s all she talks about and the kids and I are becoming increasingly irrelevant.

    I’ve had a rough time personally over the last year. Last night I got worrying news about my mum’s health (she’s already unwell). My wife was just to dismissive this morning I’ve decided I’ve had enough and I’m going to start prioritising my own needs.

    zaskar
    Free Member

    My partner has got stuck in her job (Psycholgist for a company) after working from home for a while. The phone calls and texting disappeared.

    She was busier than me and I felt neglected a little as I was used to all the attention we gave each other.

    We had to adapt and the time we spend together had be really great and understanding/loving. She didn’t stop loving me she just had to chnage her schedule to workloads. I got more riding time! I don’t have kids like you so I have less stress from lack of kids.

    Now I’m busier 6 days a week and her work has cut down and just took her 3 days she was wimpering text that she missed me. SHips in the night etc.

    I had to stay up late and get up early to spend time with her but I wasn’t afraid to sorry but I’m shattered and collapse on the bed zzz but the thing is we both supported each other.

    You and your wife need equal support. Communicate. She was a woman before you met her, then she became a mother and a wife/partner and now she has a chance to be a working woman again in a power position and they love it. Support her but don’t be her slave!

    Talk to her how you feel but Listen to what she has to say too.

    You both need to make time for yourselves, each other and the kids. It’s not easy these days and you all have to work together.

    If she’s taking the pi%% and doing nothing at all with the kids or you then you need to let her know firmly but not in an argumentive way. Or especially when she is exhausted when she gets home. She needs to make plans with all of you around her schedule.

    You need to look after your health too.

    Let her know in advance that its her turn to be with the kids on a certain day so she can plan it in. Let her know what you need from her and what she wants from you and the kids.

    Work together. Good luck and ride more.

    Don’t let yourself suffer. Personally you sound like my female friends who complain about their male partners working and neglecting them.

    Get your 7-8hrs sleep and do your thing. Just be careful you both don’t grow too far apart and stop killing yourself with too much overtime. Money is great but it doesn’t buy life.

    FoxyChick
    Free Member

    shooterman…sounds to me like you have absolutley no life/work balance.
    You don’t get in ’til 6.30pm and then do another hour?
    And you work at weekends too?
    Sounds like you live to work, not the other way around.

    How can you possibly think about wanting to relocate for better career prospects when you know it may end in an end in your relationship?
    Sounds like you are obsessed with your job just as much as your wife.

    I work full-time…so does MrFC…we have 2 kids, I work Mon-Fri and MrFC works shifts.
    Some weeks we hardly see each other…life is completely mental at times…but we muddle through.
    Luckily neither of us is so selfish as to imagine career prospects are more important then our marriage.
    Ideally I would like to move out of my current job into another field of education, but I will put it off until I have fewer responsibilities.
    ie. when the kids are old enough to look after themselves a bit more.

    Sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and talk things through and prioritise together.
    No wonder your wife goes out all the time…you don’t get in til 6.30, spends time with your kids and then do more work? What about spending time with her???

    Your problems are not about your work…but your relationship. Of course kids get in the way, and become more important than yourself at times. I seem to spend most of my time either at work or ferrying the kids to one club or another.
    BUT me and MrFC go out together whenever we can…and laugh about the chaos in our life, not fall out about it.
    And the whole family mt-bikes together.

    djglover
    Free Member

    Tell here how you feel, not what you want her to do, without getting angry. This was my downfall for a while when My wife was an 11-14 hour a day workaholic. I always told her why it was bad for her and what I thought she should do, but when I told her how I felt and where I thought our lives should go she listened. That was 2-3 years ago, we have 2 kids now and she will be working part time when she goes back to work.

    That’s not to say that she won’t become a workaholic again

    Joxster
    Free Member

    Since I was 17 I was a pro and because I spent 11mths of the year travelling relationships didn’t really happen, that went ok till I was 28 and I got a real job as a project manager and settled down. But because both of us had a reasonably high pressure role that killed off that relationship. Currently a mixture of work and life has killed my current marriage which I finding hard but I accept, but wish I could roll back the clock. Both of us are under a lot of stress and if I knew the damage it would do I would make sure she would give up work and follow her dream as a tailor. Even though we are getting divorced I will help her achieve her dream. So if any one needs a new suit let me know, I know a fantastic tailor. She rocks.

    BoardinBob
    Full Member

    Horrible place IMO! My wife’s Chinese and would like us to live over there somewhere but I don’t know where would be a good place to live.

    It’s not my first choice, but an overseas assignment is a stepping stone to our ultimate planned destination: America.

    My only real concerm, with the company I work for, is short term assignments never end up that way. I had a meeting with a guy from home office last week that went to Singapore on a 6 month assignment and ended up there for 5 years!

    crikey
    Free Member

    Actually Zaskar, it’s not my job which is the problem. I manage my caseload to get home by 6.30, spend time with the kids, get an hours work done. Then up at 6 to get another hour’s work done before the kids get up.

    A few hours at the weekened helps me keep on top of things. Probably 14 hours overtime per week.

    Sounds like you love your work more than anything else….

    When you are 65, are you going to say to yourself ‘I’m so glad I spent all that time working’….

    zaskar
    Free Member

    Thats why I didn’t apply to Med school-sod the money-I want to live not work 72hr shifts.

    Although…money!

    Midnighthour
    Free Member

    People loose all perspective on what is a ‘normal’ level of work.

    One of my relationships bit the dust, as my partner at the time thought it was normal to come home from work after 7.00 at night, get a snack and a drink and sit working for another couple of hours. By then I had to go to bed as I had to get up for work. He would stay up late after finishing his work (“its the only way I have any life”), then go in late the next morning as he was too tired to go in at a more normal time. This left us no evenings togeather at all and no shared meals. At the weekend, he was only available in the afternoons due to similar ‘work’ stuff. I tried and tried to talk to him about his obsession as did others, but he was so ‘into’ it and (the big reason) the sense of huge self importance it gave him that it was hopeless. To him it was normal behaviour and everyone else was being unreasonable about making demands for social time. The point is, if you think your work level is normal, be aware you could be very very wrong and messing up your relationship and family. Obsessive (and in his case desperate to feel very important) people have little perspective on reality.

    Moses
    Full Member

    Years ago, while touring in Australia, I was offered a really good job.
    My wife hated the place ( it would have meant living in rural Queensland ) and it was a choice of work or woman, so we came back to Britain.

    Yes, I regret the missed chance, but I’ve muffed other chances at good jobs and we’re still married 30 years later – so I reckon relationships are more important than work.

    Munqe-chick
    Free Member

    When I first started my current job 6 years ago I would happily work all the hours I could, if duties rang to offer over time I’d be the first to take it then spend days recovering knackered as I’d worked 9-10 days in a row. However about 7 months ago I had a really stressful day at work one day got home ranting and raving and suddenly it’s dawned on me I’m not actually so bothered about my work anymore. I go to work to earn money to live. There are times when I HAVE to work overtime, 1 week ago I started at 0730 finished at 0200 then was back at my desk at 0730 hours but rather than taking that as money I now take it as time off in lieu. And it’s great I have not worked a full week in 4 months as I keep building up my TOIL from those odd days when I have to work late and have no choice. Today is one of those TOIL days. I’m sat in bed with a cup of tea, new washing machine has just been delivered and I’m shortly off swimming.

    My quality of life is great now, I don’t get stressed at work and just look to book more time off! Having spent 4 years of working hard I now have a brilliant work/life balance!!

    shooterman
    Full Member

    Some very useful views there.

    I see what people are saying about being a workaholic. However, I need to feel we are working together towards a common goal. It just doesn’t feel that way at present.

    We have some liabilities which we ran up in the good times. I have to work to be able to pay those off. Two months on the dole and I would be in trouble!

    I have suggested to the wife that we cut back and tough it out for a year to eighteen months. That would clear all non mortgage debt. Then I will look for a less well paid civil service job which would enable me to perhaps play a “support” role to her but still earn a reasonable wage.

    Not on. The power suits, expensive hair dos etc have now become more important than a shared dream of comfortable living with the kids. We are, in my view, now going in different directions.

    Munqe-chick
    Free Member

    Shooterman that is scary sounds like she has lost the plot! Scary but have you mentioned splitting up and see waht her reaction is then? I know too many people in my job that are in a relationship for the sake of the kids and they are such depressive people to be around as they aren’t happy, the ones that often make the break and split up find it horrendous for a few months but then realise why they wanted out and move on to be much happier, more successful and the kids will feed off the vibes between parents. Difficult situation and I really feel for you. good luck.

    Trekster
    Full Member

    always chasing the top rung eh!!!!!!!!

    the more you have the more you spend does not equal hapiness

    one of the reasons this and other countries have gone bust imo

    agree with foxy btw

    FoxyChick
    Free Member

    Ah, the penny drops.

    Just read you thread about joining up!!

    So, some Major or other has flattered your ego that you may have something to contribute to the Army, and as you are 38 you are feeling it’s your last chance to prove you are a real man and join the Army!!!

    You say you may take a drop in salary? Just so you can play at soldiers?
    Is this the action of a responsible father????
    Sounds to me like an early mid-life crisis.

    Oh, and of course, it’s “the wife’s” fault.

    Nothing wrong at all with expensive hair-cuts BTW…especially if your wife is earning the money to pay for them!

    Oh, and I reckon you would fit in perfectly with the armed services!!! 😉

    shared dream of comfortable living with the kids.

    Utter bollox!

    WorldClassAccident
    Free Member

    3 months of unemployement put a strain on our relationship (actually it didn’t because MrsWCA is an angel but for the sake of this thread let’s pretend)

    Getting a new job that involves a week away every other week is not ideal but at least we can be miserable apart and still live in comfort.

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    A couple of years ago me and t’missus decided we would both work part time in order to redress work / life / stress. Its been great.

    We dropped about £20000 pa – nearly half our earnings – but to be able to go for a bike ride when you want and just a general lack of pressure is great. No stress, no worries.

    sure money is tight – European holidays are rare and I had to stop spending £100 a month on flowers – so what. We have had the best few years of our lives.

    Work to live – don’t live to work

    shooterman
    Full Member

    Some forthright views there Foxy!

    I have supported my wife steadfastly before and during our marriage. I’ve made hard decisions for which I will carry guilt for the rest of my life to support my wife. I have not seen this reciprocated.

    I am exploring the possibility of taking a support services commission in the army. It was my intention to do this before I met my wife.

    I abandoned a place at the Bar as well to support her. I moved half way across the country in a career wrecking move to support her. I moved farther away from my dying father so she could live closer to her parents after our first child was born. My mother then had to leave our old family home as there was no one near her. I have had to live with suffocating in laws for nearly 10 years.

    I’ve processed enough divorces and custody and contact diputes to now the unhealthy effect of two parents who resent each other staying together.

    Moses
    Full Member

    TJ- I salute you. That’s an admirable thing to have done.

    🙂

    FoxyChick
    Free Member

    Holy shit, shooterman…get out the chuffin’ violins!! 😉

    You have had to make SO many sacrifices, my heart truely bleeds for you!

    You appear to be so resentful of your wife…I reckon you would both be best apart.

    BTW…maybe you could get a side-line writing for Mills and Boon!! 😉

    hora
    Free Member

    Shooter its a major-lifestyle choice when people are settled into a routine. When your younger- fine. Later, its unsettling for others 🙂

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    A bit hard there Foxy – but I agree inb that that sounds like a lot of resentment from you shooterman.

    counselling I suggest – seriously – there is a lot of unresolved angst

    FoxyChick
    Free Member

    TJ…have you read his “I want to join the army” thread??

    Oh, and no-one forced shooterman to make all the sacrifices he has made.
    He made choices.
    Can you imagine if a woman on here posted that her husband was too work orientated, when, really, she just wanted to go off on some jolly jaunt?
    We all make life choices, and, if we are half decent, accept responsibility for them.

    WorldClassAccident
    Free Member

    TJ – Wife doesn’t work for various reasons so we were without any household income. It wasn’t planned so hadn’t throttled back on fixed cost expenditure.

    Enjoyed the riding until I twunted the crank arms on one of the bikes and realised £150 on repairs wasn’t feasible. Suddenly realised money did help the enjoyment of life rather than just being payment for the work.

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    WCA – so you buy a secondhand set for £30. Or deore. Cut your cloth according to your means.

    Mrs TJ has now been made redundant – its gonna bite in a few more weeks.

    Foxychick – I see your point but I thought whilst right you were a bit harsh. You are right in that you make decisions and then live happily with the consequences

    FoxyChick
    Free Member

    OK…fairy nuff TJ! 😕

    shooterman
    Full Member

    no-one forced shooterman to make all the sacrifices

    Foxy, if you only knew!

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 47 total)

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