This is difficult to write, but I’m feeling very wobbly tonight and feel I have nowhere to turn. Not sure how to tackle it. Most people I know think I’m confident and happy, but I have at the core of me a crippling lack of esteem that I think taints and eventually poisons all my relationships; both friendships and ‘partnerships’. It manifests itself in so many ways that chip away at things, I go through the motions of what I think of as being ‘normal’ but underneath I assume that I will be left by myself because people will always find someone better to be friends with or have a relationship with. This mindset seems to sabotage things and pushes people away, when what I want is the exact opposite. Or I get so needy of reassurance and external validation it’s repellent.
I’ve had counselling and know the source of the problem; a highly critical mother which has formed my internally critical voice, but how do I now change that and make life less painful? Everything I am or do that could objectively be perceived as successful or desireable, I put down to fluke or people not really knowing me or rationalise away as not that significant or worthy. I just struggle to see myself as worthwhile or ‘good enough’.
Sorry for sharing so much. Just didn’t know where to go with it tonight.

Nothing to add that will help, but you would be surprised who many of us feel the same.

Use your friends.

shit, thats a lot to deal with. Do you do any thing to work on confidence or assertiveness?

Jojo, any decent counsellor will have given you some tools to deal with the issues. I hope you can recognise some areas that you are good or successful at and use those to change your internal voice. Make sure you talk to someone you trust.

Steve

everyone feels a lack on confidence at times and the voice in their head giving them doubts.

CBT?

Awwww Jo, have a hug. I guess it’s a matter of time – you have probably done a lot more work on this than you think. No one with kids as cool as yours can be as bad as you may see yourself tonight

WTFU

Cruzheckler, I am ok at the ‘facade’ of being confident and assertive on a superficial level, but struggle to apply it to my deeper sense of self and close relationships.

SCXC, The trouble is, I assume my friends have better things to do/think about than me and my problems.

Another one to suggest continued counselling. I suspect Its may be too deep rooted for CBT but the person centred approach stuff might be useful. However there is many ways to tackle this and no one approach suits everyone

Jojo – you have my email – or its on here. Please email me.

^ and I’m sure Jo that they would be upset if they knew you felt like that.

Give one of them a try.

jo – i met you once (at sits with sharki etc) and you (to me) exuded confidence. This is a real surprise

jojoA1 – Member

I go through the motions of what I think of as being ‘normal’

I’ve seen no evidence of this!

It sounds very familiar to me… if I knew how to sort it I would. But you’re not alone, and if it’s any help at all, I think you’re pretty awesome.

Thanks people. I am having a difficult time tonight and didn’t know where to turn. Feel a bit silly writing on here, but I’ve seen such supportive things for others in the past. To those who I know in the ‘real world’, you just assume other people have other shit to deal with .

I’ve had CBT and again, it helps on a superficial level, but when things get difficult, that internal voice seems to win over.

BE yourself, not what others want of you, its you as a person they want as a freind, not some freind who strives so much to conform to what he sees as normal, nothing wrong wioth being an individual, or different.

Be true to yourself and your freinds.

Jojo – thats why I wonder about the Carl Rogers approach. Its a bit deeper perhaps. Medication also has its place in acute situations and in giving you breathing space when required.

Dark winter days and lack of sunlight do not help.

So – tonight – remember the good stuff, get hold of a pal or email / facebook me or someone else.

“this too will pass”

One definition of depression is trying to be too strong for too long. Longer term CBT would be worth investigating further, it can be like layers of an onion. Learning to recognise unhelpful thoughts / feelings and challenge them, finding evidence to counter them can help start to build confidence. Its OK to let the mask slip now + again + it doesn’t mean the whole lot will come tumbling down. The fear, intense pressure and very negative thoughts/feelings will subside. Might help to think of right now as being a big FO climb. Intimidating “I don’t think I can do this” e.t.c. but all you’ve got to do is just turn the cranks, sit there + you will get to the top.
All the success in the world only means something if it means something to you. Finding ways of allowing it to will take time.

As someone whos had wrestling matches with depression I have some idea of how easy it is to think that “success” is something you somehow scammed + that one day you’ll be caught out. These take time + work to counter + as mentioned above tools you’ve been given previously may help. CBT + meditation helped me allot.

Its important to realise you don’t need to take it all on + sort it all out right now. You’ve just got to get through the “right now” + then begin to sort it out bit by bit. You aren’t alone.

I’ve had similar thoughts most of my life. I have had counselling which helped me recognise a lot of the ‘stuff’ that was determining how I saw myself. I am still learning to reprogramme my thinking and often ‘fall off the wagon’, but I am trying to keep moving forward as I have no desire to live the rest of my life the way I was.

As others will say, recognising you need help is the start. Keep up teh counselling if you can afford it. Talk to your closest friends. Do you have someone you can confide in…talk to them. You might also be surprised just how many people feel the same as you. Your friends will not have stayed your friends for no good reason. They stay because they like you and because they value you. Accept what success you have and don’t over-analyse it. Be gentle on yourself, which I know is easier said than done, but try.

Just my take on things……

I am a fan of person centred too – hard work tho and no quick fix

Without wanting to appear a sycophant Jo, I think you’re awesome…you must have a good poker face (I do too!) But please don’t think your pals are immune to this nor that they wouldn’t have time for you.

this sound very similair to what i suffer with so your not alone..

It got to a stage for me that i pushed all my friends and family away and life got very lonely, and didn’t help with my issues at all.

try to speak to someone you trust this will help.

All the best.

*bear hugs*

All I can do is to echo the sentiments expressed by others that you’re not alone. You’ve come a long way to be able to identify the causes of the problem, however you can program yourself out of a destructive emotional cycle over time.

It’s all to easy to blame yourself when you’re stuck in a rut like this. Try to step away from any notion of blame, FWIW.

Good luck and try to do something positive each and every day.

You are certainly not alone in thinking like that. I used to. However for me it took something happening to change my view on it. Sorry I cannot help with ideas but all I can say is your friends are you friends no matter what and talk to them and if they are true friends then they will understand and help. Good luck

*bare hugs?*

Thank you all. I just feel so isolated and tonight I feel alone and vulnerable and have had just had too much space to think.
I agree with you Mal-ec about the ‘too strong too long’. I try and keep it all together for my kids and at work and also want to perform with my biking. I just feel sometimes if I’m not what I think of as enough I’ll just disappear. If I’m not something, I’m nothing…
Maybe sounds nonsense to some people but it’s a scary place to be sometimes.

I would 2nd more counselling and also use your friends. Times like this you find out who you real friends are, and just how amazing a good friendship is.
Also worth looking at this book which was recommended on here previouslyDavid Burns: Feeling Good– explains some things which you may have been grappling with for a while, in a really straightforward way, and gives you some useful solutions.
This is also good for keeping a day to day eye on yourself. Moodscope
This time of year can make negative feelings more frequent – just make sure you keep off the drink, sleep and eat well to give yourself best chance of recovering.
And make sure those close to you know how you are. It can help enormously. As does riding a bike, but you probably know that already 🙂
Lots more people feel like this than you may realise…. good luck

Nothing to add that will help, but you would be surprised who many of us feel the same.

Use your friends.

definitely.

although this applies to me too:

The trouble is, I assume my friends have better things to do/think about than me and my problems.

i can’t add more advice to anything that’s already been said; just that this all rings true.

Jo, keep on keeping on love.
i have just had the worst 15 months of my life, and one of the things that keeps me up, is coming on here talking and listening to the banter, and also meeting some ace folk. some have even turned into good friends.
you always come over as a great person who seems to have a lot of respect from folk on here, and one day i would love to meet you for a ride.
keep your chin up love.

Hi Jo, hang in there, it’s only feelings, can’t hurt you, they will pass. You aren’t alone, loads of people who seem confident on the outside are wracked by self-doubt on the inside. Don’t be fooled by the smiley exterior.

A couple of things, SimonFBarnes from this here forum recommended a book called ‘Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy’ I was highly sceptical but bought it. I have read at least one million self-help books and I thought it would be just another book full of trite sh1t. I read it, and I did the exercises. Bloody hell, it worked for me. It’s by Dr David Burns, on Amazon for less than a tenner.

Secondly, my step-mother was a spiteful, cruel, violent, mean-spirited bitch of a woman – a truly horrible person, and the other adults in my life up to when I left home at 17 were little better. I won’t repeat the things they used to do or say, but I will tell you that I have had really serious problems to deal with as a result. When I have felt at my lowest, one of the things that pulls me out is that I Will Not Let Them Win. Don’t let your mother win Jo.

Keep a hold xxx

I’m struggling to get this into words properly… Trust your friends. Yes, they’ll have their own shit to deal with. But what would you do if they came to you right now looking for backup? They’ll help you if they can, and you’ll help them if you can. Probably some of them will be pissed off if you don’t!

When I was at my lowest, it wasn’t the sorted people who saved me, it was the other screwups. When you’re in a hole it’s good to have friends down there with you. And helping each other helped us all.

Or, come find me at a race and slap me for sticking my oar in, if that helps.

Please don’t do what i have done. I thought i was so worthless that i pushed everybody away. nobody to turn to then. It is difficult to return from that, trust me.

focus on the good things in your life and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it..

riding your bike is really good therapy.

I’m overwhelmed by all your kind supportive words. Thank you.

Wholeheartedly second what Northwind has said. Also I remember a similar thread on here a while ago when someone posted a Marcus Aureleus quote . . . “Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been.” . . . difficult sometimes, but it’s something I always try to focus on when stress/worry get the better of me.

Take care and never feel you can’t come on here to share your feelings xx

No ones opinion should have more value than your own when it comes to your life or the choices you make!

My parent were very critical of me growing up, I learned to ignore them and then later on simply laugh.

Sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do, is let go inside and find some peace.

We are after all only fighting ourselves.

Poor jojo, you sound in a terrible state. 🙁 It’s not something I have experience of but one thing has helped me and that is to like myself. Sounds so simple I know but I had to work at it and still try to.

I would also suggest taking vitamin D tablets, apparently many women can be deficient in this.

Good luck in finding the right way for you to deal with this.

Jo – I’ve already mentioned this and someone else referred to it above to, but you have a couple of fantastic kids, and that’s mostly down to you. That’s a fantastic achievement by anyones measure.

Kaesae, it may seem simple to ignore the critical words, but when they’ve gone towards creating a distorted mirror of how you see yourself, then it’s difficult challenge that reflection. If it’s an ‘uglifying’ mirror you’ve been given in which to see yourself, for example, you see an ugly person. Trying to make the mirror into a true and undistorted reflection of who you ‘really’ are, can be difficult to achieve and sometimes even once you’ve achieved it, the mirror can go through warped phases.

I understand it on an intellectual level, but wrestle with putting it into practice at that gut level when the guard is down.
Edit: trying to redress the balance for my own kids is what often keeps me going, I just hope I don’t let them down.

Being reassured I’m not alone in this is very helpful.

When I was ill just over a year ago I decided to have a good ratch through some specific mental health forums. If you dig deep enough in there you will find someone who has gone through pretty much exactly what you’re going through and emerged unscathed at the other side. Finding that information for me was a great relief. You realise that you’re not completely off your head.

I am another who appears confident and smiley on the outside. For years it was put on, now it is real.

The part of my therapy that made the biggest difference was being forced to ask the question “what would happen if you lost it?”. Realising that the outcome would probably be quite funny is nice.

i went to my parents’ house on christmas day and my mam gave me an envelope with all my old school reports in it that she found recently whilst looking for something else.

“have a look at these, they’re very interesting. made me think it’s a shame you didn’t make more of your education”.

i don’t think she has any idea how much that hurt.

Another shout-out for the person-centred approach, although a good therapist will pivot between varying ‘methods’ of counselling as and when various issues arise.

I’d also add that your closest friends aren’t necessarily the best people to help with deep-seated issues and other pathologies simply because they have already formed an opinion of you etc which can ultimately cloud their repsonse/judgement.

One last thing – never be afraid to admit and severe a client/therapist relationship that doesn’t feel ‘right’. It’s not unheard of for folk to not get along together regardless of relationship. Move on if it goes nowhere. A little ditty I like:-

Therapy fails when the mirror that is the therapist turns opaque.