Sort of following on from Hora's thread on riding and childcare.

I'm frustrated because my wife and I are at loggerheads. I love spending time with her and the kids (3yrs and 6yrs)and I also like to get out on the bike especially in weather like this.

My problem is I'll hope to get out for a ride for a few hours at a weekend but my wife never seems happy with me doing this no matter what try to appease her. I'm not asking for or expecting the whole day or even half the day but just a few hours in the morning or afternoon on one of the days. She seems to think that me going out for a few hours ruins the weekend which I really don't understand as it puts me in an even better mood. If I do go out riding it has to be early in the morning when no one else is about so I end up riding on my own a lot.

Its not like I don't want to spend time with her and the kids as I love spending time with them and doing fun stuff. Its just after a week of working I like to arrange rides with friends or just get out on the bike to relax for a short while. We still get a good chunk of the weekend doing family stuff. She's booked in some tennis lessons for my oldest daughter and the cynic in me wonders if she has booked them so I can't go out with the club on a Saturday morning (I'm sure this isn't the case though).

Anyone got any ideas how I can work out a compromise with her as I really want to stop falling out with her on this (doesn't help we are both quite stubborn). I love her and the kids very much but I really don't know how to resolve this one.

Also, the concept of me riding anything other than local trails at the weekend is something of a rarity unless it is booked in months in advance. Frustrating as I was invited to Scotland this weekend and Wales next weekend.

One of your responsibilities as a parent is to be around to look after your kids. But that means long term as well as the here-and-now. Calmly explain to your wife that physical exercise is both good for the body and for your mind. Staying fit, healthy and active will mean you are less likely to be taken by cancer or any one of many other debilitating illnesses. Therefore, you are less likely to keel over and die prematurely, leaving her and the kids to fend for themselves.

PS – this only really works if you don't have a massive life assurance policy…..

Night rides once the kids are in bed? Making sure you more than pull your weight before you go?
As for weekends away, make the most of them when they happen and let the others go without too much regret – parenthood means loads of concessions.
Encourage your wife to have time off too, to do the things she wants to do?

Depending on other circumstances find a local club that does evening rides in the week?
otherwise, if its possible, buy some lights and get your mates on in the evenings during the week.

Riding in the week is so much more convienient than during the weekednd.

I totally understand mate,
my wife says she likes it when I go out as she gets a day to catch up on reading and some time to herself.
yet she books up every bloody weekend with stuff to do and simply overrides me if I've got bike plans
"oh your mother's here, how lovely"

My solution has been to book days off in the week or rack up flexi time (a luxery not everyone has, I know) and then dissapear off all day on Friday or take a half day and set out from work.

check out this thread for a sample of my family life. It's not an easy one, but with perseverance and a bit of give and take you might win through.

Splat +1! Also, the cynic +1. When under fire for riding too much I went out on night rides more and gave time back to balance the books where possible. Always a dilemma – but the fairness thing really matters on both sides. If she isn't then she's unreasonable and I would push back hard at that point. Good luck fella!

Splat – I encourage her to go off as much as she likes and have no issue when she wants to go off on her own – but seems me doing the same is not welcomed in the same way.

tried evening rides, but after getting the kids up, working, feeding the kids and putting them to bed I'm sadly too knackered to go down the pub let alone ride. 🙁

Practical matt – with you there – I've been getting up at 5.30 and doing a few hours work in the morning so i can sneak out on rides during the day but not always possible as I am away a lot with work at the moment.

Plus my diary is the same – we're booked up now until June and on the weekends where there is a chance of riding its such a battle bringing it up without arguing 🙁

Two kids? Very difficult IMO.

Three things:
Relocate closer to a set of trails. Or set off at 5am at the weekend. Night rides.

ne of your responsibilities as a parent is to be around to look after your kids.

Agree. Hes not a pisshead, smokes, hits his children, absent or abusive.

'I must smother my children' is wrong. THREE hours out of a entire weekend makes everyone happy. You need to find a way of agreeing to this. Put across your case that you will be back by 11am.

The only other alternative is a roadbike 🙁

One thing I don't like is people telling you how to bring your children up. There is no right way or template you must follow.

hora – Member

> One of your responsibilities as a parent is to be around to look after your kids.

Sorry. Hes not a pisshead, smokes, hits his children, absent or abusive.

Give the 100% 'I must smother my children' a break. THREE hours out of a entire weekend makes everyone happy.

You didn't actually bother to read my post did you?

Get your pals to phone up to arrange a bike ride at a predetermined time, let your wife answer the phone, when your mate asks "Just phoning to see if Bushwacked is coming out for a ride on Saturday", it's much harder for her to say no.
I did try the "Just tell her" strategy but that is more high risk……….
As a medium term strategy make sure you encourage the kids to get into cycling – it's a lot easier to get permision to go to some trail centres because Sprog has been pestering all week. Then you will face the next problem of net being able to keep up with them…………

druidh, your right. Im being defensive for some reason today. Sorry 🙂
(amended original post).

You could always say 'its riding a bicycle or a prozzy'? Its also good to know other people who make you look saintly.

explain to her that this is who you are and these are the things that make you smile,then remind her why you are together in the first place.
The mrs and i often step back and remind each other that we love each other and want each other to be happy.
best of luck man.

Bushwacked – sorry I forget – mine are at the 'lovely' stage where Mr S and myself can get out early and go for a ride while the teens sleep in bed. Neither of us did much in terms of stuff for ourselves til the kids were at school, but three in 2 years means self sacrifice became an artform 😉
It does get easier! But not fair she gets to go out when she wants and you get grief, but life isn't generally fair.
And what nonk says

Whatever you do. Don't say you are babysitting. The political correct folk will have you in seconds.

Cheers – feel bad airing my issues in public but feel really frustrated about it 🙁

Why not? At the very least. It helps you think it through in your mind and approach the situation from a different angle. Off out now to Hebden Bridge with familyhora. Quick spin then fish and chips for us 😀

What does your wife do during the week? Could you try & manufacture her a day off in the week…kids in school/nursery…grandparents helping…whatever. Then, you take a day (or half) out at the weekend for yourself.

One thing that works for us is, virtually from day one, we agreed that each of us would have a regular evening off a week. I take mine when the locals do a night ride (Tuesday), and she does what she likes on a Wed evening. Works well and means you at least get out once a week. Putting a couple of kids to bed on your own once a week (especially the age of your two) isn't a hardship.

Weekend riding was a bit of a point of contention for a while. After a couple of years she realised I was a nightmare to live with if I wasn't getting out on the bike on a regular basis for a decent ride, so I get maybe two saturdays out of three to go for a good ride away. That only really works because her Mum helps us/her out a lot & is local.

btw, we have 2 children, aged 3 and 13 months.

What would you class as a "good ride"?

We both are in sales, work from home but are out most days seeing customers.

A good ride = home by 6pm! I get away with this partly because I work from home most of the time so get to see the children a lot each day, plus my wife doesn't work (for the most part).

I should say that I get out riding but its always a compromise ride – an hour here or there rather than something I really want to do.

Early mornings are the most convinient, you can get alot of riding in before 12 and I can't beleive that can impact on any big plans.

Seems to me she is over reacting because she feels resentful you have some me time, and in her eyes at her expense of looking after the kids single handed.

Best idea would be find something she can do on her own or kid free at least, that balances things out.

We solved the 'problem' by both riding. Sitter once a week for a night ride.
Kids are old enough now to look after themselves- it goes past in a flash so dont wish it away!

The trouble is she doesn't look after the kids single handedly – I put more than my fair share of work round the house and with the kids.

PLus if I go out for an early morning ride I am expected to be back by 10.30!!!

the more I read the more stressed about it I'm getting 😕

yep, make sure she gets some payback. Case in point…the weather is beautiful outside but I'm looking after the children tomorrow & doing chores & stuff in the house today. Obviously I enjoy being with the children anyway so no worries there, but I think it's actually healthy for them to see parents taking time to do their own thing as well…particularly when it's a wholesome sporty type thing.

I do feel for you though, we still get the odd bit of tension about this, and I did in fact post a similar thread some time back when I wasn't getting out much at all. It's definitely a tough balancing act!

Time for a sit down talk. Use term like "we aren't getting the time for hobbies or activities to stay sane", nothing like "you aren't allowing for my hobbies" . Some research /preparation by you before the meeting because blokes tend not to get discussions with women right. Good luck.

Hmm, reading your latest post Bushwacked, she's putting a lot of restrictions onto you. Obviously I don't know your actual situation, but I simply wouldn't accept something like that. Not saying that's the right thing to do, but I'm old and ugly enough to know that I need to be doing the exercise and getting out. Also, I'm not argument-averse and don't mind a bit of a barny now & again :-).

with the long evenings sunset/lights rides are great. otherwise you really have to work it into the diary. weve just moved from painswick beacon, i used to be able to fly round cranham for a hour and feel good. now i have to make time to get up there and square it first. lucky for me my wife kicks me out to ride as im a happier person (bar injuries and grueling rides with lookmanohands!)
i love my kids and do put them first, they love me and know i love to ride. as above i know they wont be small (10&4) for long.
time on your own or with mates doing what you love is essential for happy families.

I'm gonna sound callous here but I wouldn't put up with that. For there to be a partnership there has to be 2 individuals to make that partnership. It sounds like she isn't accepting the person you are but trying to mould you into the person she wants you to be. If she doesn't like the person that you are I would tell her to walk because, ultimately it'll come out one way or another. Sounds like you bend over backwards and do more than your fair share and still get walked on. I'd put my foot down. A person that stops you doing what you want to do isn't the person for you.
PS. Marriage guidance isn't my strong point.

Time is a precious thing both for family and biking, I ride twice a week off road minimum, this mainly involves a very late finish on a thursday, normally from 7pm till 11pm and then out by 6am on a sunday to be home between 12 and 1pm, Mrs C is very understanding and we share the household chores to ease pressure.
Take junior C out now and then on short rides in the evening during the summer to keep his biking interest too.

Op – honestly, the best answer is night riding. If your alternative is 5.30 am starts, which is going to make you more tired? Think about it for a min, for at least some of the time during a night ride, kiddies are asleep so is not so bad. It's whilst they're small and awake it's quite tiring when you look after them alone.

The other way I used to get out weekends when my daughter was v young was setting off v early and timing it with when she was at her ballet class, my wife was ok with this cos whilst the kids plodded about allegedly doing ballet, in reality they were just being marshalled in vague circles like cattle. My daughter used to even wear her citeh shirt! Meanwhile, all my wife's mates could have grown up time together. If I'd have bogged off til midday, leaving her alone with a toddler she'd rightly have gone mad.

It gets much easier as they get older.

Hora, your comment about baby sitting did not portray you in the most positive light, nowt to do with political correctness.

Shrugs, its baby-sitting.

What else should you call it? Hes 4weeks old, so hes fast asleep. We are hardly discussing Darwin or running around together at this stage are we.

I'm sure we'll be just fine.

Check my grammar next?

i,ve been at this for 4 years now i used to ride 40 miles a day monday 2 friday then 100+ saturday/sunday. but now to keep the peace i mainly ride every other day.works most of the time but i am riding less which gets me down but too top it up with a good night ride when i can.
thwang

It's not baby-sitting because he's your baby! It's called being a dad.

Bushwhacked, I know we're only hearing your side of the story but it honestly sounds like she is being a bit unreasonable to me. I think a proper sit down chat is needed, as said above. We both went out this morning on our road bikes (separately) and we made a comment when we got back about how next year we'll be riding in shifts, one of us in the morning and one in the afternoon.

It's tough my missus hated me riding when ours were little.
A mixture of 'you've made your bed you better lie in it' night rides and turbos kept me going.
Now I have loads of time to ride again.

Don’t want to worry you but my girls are 17 and 14 years old and I’m still having to juggle work home life and riding – although the pressure is some what easier these day. I started ridding around the time my oldest was born, and although this was initially just commuting, I caught the MTB bug. – So rides tended to be extended runs home from work and the odd couple of rides on days off.
As the kids have got older I’ve tended to head out early evening, but I’m luck in that I have good quality off road on the door stop and I’ve never worked more then about forty minutes drive from home. Also I manage my own diary/time so tend to start early and finish early. Basically I have to be out on the bike by about 17:00 – these days I can get out for a good two hour run, but it used to be 45min to hour of an evening.
It has to be said that although she is not a cyclist herself Mrs BNS has been very supportive in letting me have time to ride. Equally she has taken time out to pursue [sorry] line dancing [sorry] and other girly things – it’s about compromise, negotiation & recognising you both need ‘me’ time
The downside is that in the main I have to ride solo as its hard finding others that are flexible enough to be able to ride with me as sometimes it a matter of seizing the moment and heading out on the bike

Bushwacked – I am in the same boat, Wife, kids of 7 and 3.

Does she want a break at the weekend from the kids?

My Mrs does for sure, she tends to hit the shops/gym/karate/run for a morning or afternoon by herself, then we trade and I get to do my thing.

I guess I am lucky as my Mrs is also into biking, so the four of us do tend to ride together for a day out now, which is a real buz watching my 7 year old take on new trails & the 3 year old love to trailer, throw things at people as we pass 😉

Some of the best rides I enjoy now are after my two are tucked away in bed and my Mrs is snuged up with the Red Wine, box watching, night riding your local trails is a real buzz, plus it brings local pubs into the picture too 😉

My tip would be try to talk to her in advance. Both of you, try planning your weekends ahead of time so you both get a break, if thats what you both want to do.

Good luck, remember, you are not the only one who has been though this 😉

It's not baby-sitting because he's your baby! It's called being a dad.

You and I know this. The clipboard waving semantics-Inspectors demand attention to detail and thorough pre-post thought process though before posting on a forum! 🙄

Fred would be spinning in his grave. God bless him.

Sort of following on from Hora's thread on riding and childcare.

I'm frustrated because my wife and I are at loggerheads. I love spending time with her and the kids (3yrs and 6yrs)and I also like to get out on the bike especially in weather like this.

My problem is I'll hope to get out for a ride for a few hours at a weekend but my wife never seems happy with me doing this no matter what try to appease her. I'm not asking for or expecting the whole day or even half the day but just a few hours in the morning or afternoon on one of the days. She seems to think that me going out for a few hours ruins the weekend which I really don't understand as it puts me in an even better mood. If I do go out riding it has to be early in the morning when no one else is about so I end up riding on my own a lot.

Anyone got any ideas how I can work out a compromise with her as I really want to stop falling out with her on this (doesn't help we are both quite stubborn). I love her and the kids very much but I really don't know how to resolve this one.

Also, the concept of me riding anything other than local trails at the weekend is something of a rarity unless it is booked in months in advance. Frustrating as I was invited to Scotland this weekend and Wales next weekend.

are you me????

Ok, friend of mine has two (can't remember their ages but toddler and baby). He does a day job then contracts in his spare time. Sunday's for circa 3-4hours are his though. In his words he works hard all week and needs some downtime.

There is nothing wrong with being a 'little' selfish. Nothing. Everyone is different. You work all week, worry about money, the children etc etc. So come the weekend you then have to action-pack all the fun in and (almost) become a dance act to the family. No wonder soo many men keel over (sorry, that not meant in anyway as sexist).
In the past couple of weeks I've felt guilty just being at work- come home and I'm already ready knackered. Modern life means parenting has to be just as action packed and there is some sort of Catholic-guilt going on for normal people who work?
(Im typing as I think here).

Therefore, to enable you to relax and enjoy your kids more, some people DO need alittle down time. Other fathers get this downtime by visiting the gym during the week. Others just **** off to the pub and leave it to the wimin.

Sit down with your other half (after you have cooked her a nice meal) and talk. Who does the washing up and cooking in the evenings btw? This should automatically be you (along with the shopping- delivery).

Hope this helps?

Anyway I'm going. Still a tad offended over the babysitting response. If anyone has a road bike they want rid though please feel free to email me 🙂