Thanks

Don’t eat yellow snow.

Don’t use melted yellow snow for drinking water.

When a women says ‘it doesn’t matter’ she’s lying.

Be careful that when you feel your wife’s bum while she’s bent over in the kitchen, it’s not her mother.

(Still convinced she was more flattered than offended.)

AB – thanks for the image you’ve just put into my head.

I think i’m gonna be sick.

Don’t chuck bricks at cows.

Smee, my mother in law is stunning. Her and my wife look more like sisters than mother and daughter.

I take it your not so lucky? 😉

Don’t stare at the orange juice because it says ‘Concentrate’.

Don’t admit to *anything* mainstream on here.

Dont sit down with a light bulb in your back pocket.

In our house I wear the trousers and my GF decides on the colour, style and shape.

Don’t lean over on a Tuesday.

Don’t eat rocks.

Don’t take naps in the road.

Don’t stoke fires with your fingers.

Don’t throw a brick straight up.

Don’t breathe car exhaust.

For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

The cack on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

If you need to get somewhere, and a train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head.

If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

Don’t shave with a lawn mower.

Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.

Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.

Don’t put jam on a radiator.

Although they are sold in supermarkets, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what’s inside.

The warning “Don’t try this at home” really means “Don’t try this at all.”

Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow.

Don’t iron clothes while wearing them.

The expression “Life in the fast line” should not inspire you to live in the road.

Don’t eat hot coals.

Don’t escape in to prison.

Don’t wash floors with cough syrup.

Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet.

Don’t toboggan down very steep hills using a fork as a brake.

Sell at most one of your kidneys.

Don’t lie down in a cattle pen.

Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.

Don’t test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

Only squeeze the non-sharp end of a sword.

Don’t snap towels at passing police.

Don’t throw an angry cat straight up.

Don’t lick dry ice.

Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it’s right side up.

Don’t pour salt in your eyes.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.

Don’t microwave yourself.

Don’t chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.

Don’t swallow toothpaste.

Don’t bathe in petrol.

Don’t sneak up to a horse and whack it on the rump.

Don’t drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.

Don’t listen to music from Coldplay.

Don’t lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

Don’t go swimming in a well.

Rake leaves, not people.

Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

Contrary to popular opinion, you’re not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don’t use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and cinema’s even though it’s free.

Don’t try to squeeze juice out of a tractor.

Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.

Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don’t jump out of a window — use the stairs.

When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.

Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on broken glass is not.

Wear clothes.

Use oven mitts when removing items from the oven.

Don’t drink.

Don’t drive.

Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

Don’t brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.

When using a strimmer, don’t hold the end with the wire.

When using a blow gun — something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway — draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

Give me all your money.

When sticking drawing pins into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

If you’re a Craft & Design teacher don’t blow sawdust away with your eyes open when using a tenon saw to cut a through housing joint.

Especially not when giving a demonstrating to an entire class.

Dont leave your sausage sarnies in front of the tv while you go for more tea, if you have a hungry greyhound in the house 😳

Dont watch championship football and expect to be entertained. This game is dreadful (Sheff U v Birm C)

WWJR you are full of wisdom and logic. Many kids of today would do well to learn from your teachings.

WWJR – Why wouldn’t you kick toads?

Lick toads, that is.
Cos of their poisonous secretions

fire, petrol and sheep are not good bedfellows.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting, and I know I’ve been waiting to be there
for you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody’s free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting, and I know I’ve been waiting to be there
for you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody’s free.)

similarly, if you put beer bottles in your pockets to enable you to carry a larger round from the bar, don’t then forget and sit down.

Don’t wee into the wind
Don’t spit in a full face helmet

Don’t eat chocolate squirrels

Don’t Google ‘One guy one cup’.

Poindexter is right. I feel sick.

Soup

WWJR you are full of wisdom and logic. Many kids of today would do well to learn from your teachings.

We can only hope.

WorldClassAccident

WWJR – Why wouldn’t you kick toads?

They don’t like it.

Poindexter is right. I feel sick.

What did I tell you?!?

I still wake sometimes, in the early hours of the morning, sweating profusely, and I swear I can hear the sound of crumbling shards…

Don’t Google ‘One guy one cup’.

omg seriously dont google that, especially when you have your partner sitting near by she thinks im a sicko

Don’t vote Conservative.

You’ll only regret it.

Never fart in an empty lift.

Never nudge your granny whilst she’s shaving.

Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.

Never trust a man who says they’ve had a vasectomy unless you were there when it was done.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Amen to that.

Heard over the weekend (Welsh rugby boss I think)

“Knowledge is knowing that a Tomato is a fruit…”

“…Wisdom is knowing not to put one in a fruit salad”