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  • Dealing with an Alcoholic.
  • lowey
    Full Member

    Got a call last night from my brothers partner. At the end of her thether. He's hitting the bottle big style.

    Now I'm not close to my brother, he is 10 years older than me. We see each other maybe 4 times a year. Last time I spoke to him, he said he has been dry for 6 months and been to a few AA meetings that one of his friends dragged him to, but last night his partner tells me that all BS and he is pissed every night.

    I know you cant really help someone who wont help themselves, but has anyone any tips on how to try and make him see the situation he is in and get himself some help ? I need to try and sort him out without our Dad finding out. He has enough on his plate being a full time carer for our mum.

    Cheers all.

    Ti29er
    Free Member

    If he's taking to lying to you and his partner is no real help, then you might want to spend some time time with them, maybe a long w/end, as a social visit.
    Let him maybe talk some and see what the issues may be.
    Perhaps now is the time to get to know him a little better?

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    Look at al anon. Thats an organisation for families and friends of alcoholics IIRC

    there is basically nothing you can do until he wants your help. That sounds bleak but thats the situation. Tough love is the only way. any support you give him will be used to continue the drinking and will delay the time at which he seeks help.

    support his wife – thats where it is worth putting your energy and where you can do some good. Get her to get good advice as well – from professionals.

    Are there children involved? she might have to leave him until he accepts he needs help and needs to stop. Sometimes thats enough to bring people round but often they have to hit the bottom before they can start to recover.

    Sorry that sounds so bad but tough love is it. They are an addict and addicts lie and cheat. let him know you will be there for him and that you will not judge him. don't try to pick the pieces up and to help until he is ready to be helped and untill he asks for your help.

    mrmo
    Free Member

    i would have to say walk away from him, he has to want help. Otherwise he will take you and everyone else around him for a ride.

    support those around him but don't bother with him.

    ChrisE
    Free Member

    Not that it helps you but the woman we bought our house from was/is an alcholic. We were able to buy the house because her life had gone tits-up and my mum worked with her and so we got introduced.

    she had been drunk at work (again) where she ran the kitchen in a small rural hospital. The police pulled her as she drove out of work onto the road. That was 9 years ago.

    Since then it seems that she has not stopped. Drinking 2-3 bottles of cheap wine daily. In November a stomach ulcer burst and she was very much touch and go in intensive care for 14 days. Just after Christmas she got out of hospital, aged 50, and given the warning not to drink again. Last weekend a mutual friend called her at mid-day and she was rolling drunk.

    very sad

    C

    zomersetglider
    Full Member

    echo all the other comments above, it's all about tough love but he's going to want to do it himself at the end of the day.

    feel for you man and all concerned as I've been there with my old man. I hope it works out.

    CHB
    Full Member

    Having had experience of this, the above advice is spot on. Harsh but real.

    lowey
    Full Member

    Just spoke to a councilor on it. TJ bang on. They have to hit rock bottom before they ask for help.

    I have just also found out that over the weekend he went out in the car while pissed, which i have hit the roof about. His partner says he leaves for work early every morning. I'm seriously considering giving the cops a call with his reg and address. Maybe loosing his license and job will be the kick he needs… or at least the threat of me doing it.

    Going to see him tonight.

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    I'd tell him you are going to report the driving – but be prepared to do so as he will continue to drive. Be prepared for lies and emotional blackmail.

    good luck!

    hels
    Free Member

    I have some experience with this and TJ is correct.

    The person needs something big to happen that makes them accept that their behaviour has consequences, some kind of court appearance coupled with threat of partner deserting will hopefully do it. Supporting him just lets him get away with it.

    Don't let him drag his family down with him.

    P.S and if he does give up the drink, prepare yourself for a total personality change you may not recognise him for a while

    Kit
    Free Member

    lowey, that's tough – all the best dealing with it, buddy.

    mt
    Free Member

    With all the above people on tough stuff above and supportive of family/friends who I reckon have the worst time and will never forget what is happening.
    Have similar experiance to some on here and learned that it has to come from them. You can try and present the the worst case situations to them and they may start to listen but be prepared for everything you do to fail. You will be hated by them at times for caring, being right, being there and clearing up their mess. I remember being pleased that my friend had finally crashed his car and hurt himself a bit (bang on head) and the Police had him in the cell, seemed like a step in the right direction.
    Good luck.

    hughjengin
    Free Member

    Hope it works out for him and you, its a devastatingly difficult thing to beat.
    My only sister drank herself to death over a period of 10 years and died of liver failure before she was 30. She was pretty, bright, a talented sportsperson, caring and loyal fiance and not underpriveleged, so there was no obvious social factors involved. We all knew (myself, my parents and her boyfriend) what she was doing, we all did everything humanly possible to stop it. But for her it was clearly doomed.

    I am definately not trying to impose a feeling of inevitability and helplessness to your situation, far from it.
    I hope some of these tragic stories actually bring some realisation to the person early enough to stop it but to echo all the sound advice written by the people on here is that, you cant make any form of impact for change on the person, until they are 100% ready to change.
    When that happens I believe it can be beaten, and I hope he does. But I think you will know when he wants it badly enough, until then be prepared for lies, and dont take it personally when you feel you have been deceived, you just have to always remember that he is not in charge of his actions.
    I genuinely believe that we got to that magic point with my sister where she was ready for help and would fight it, But unfortunately for her the true awakening came when she realised that she may die that day, and for the first time in 10 years I really think she accepted the reality and finalisation of her own death and it horrified her and she decided she didnt want to go….Sadly she did about 6 hours later.

    Be Lucky

    billyboy
    Free Member

    My (now ex) wife was an alcoholic and life was very unpleasant. All the above comments ring true. It is all about the individual alcoholic. Only they can sort it and they won't do that until they want to. In the meantime nobody else matters to them, and they will destroy everything and everyone around them to keep their habit going.

    Before friends/partners/family do anything else, they must preserve themselves (and the kids etc) against the effects of the condition.

    Good luck.

    anokdale
    Free Member

    Had a mate at school who i was close to, drank himself to death by the time he was 35 very sad.

    Another friends Brother in Law is in the same position as the OP, they covered, helped, and even lied for him but in the end the wife left the drunk (that how he is reffered to as in conversation) and took the kids with her, she still says to this day she wish she had gone earlier. Unfortunately the family have little contact with the drunk and i feel obliged to ask how he is but the answers are blunt and scathing. He is an addict and they themselves will decide when they need help, it cannot be forced on them.

    AndyRT
    Free Member

    all too true, and the sad thing is, some never realise the damage they cause around them. Best off offering support to those that need it on the basis of damage caused by the alcoholic in question.

    Good luck

    noteeth
    Free Member

    I've seen a fair number of alcoholics die in hospital – some of them younger than me (33). But I've also seen many such patients pull themselves back from the brink (albeit with differing degrees of long term damage). It might well be a decision they have to make for themselves – but it can be done.

    All the best.

    spacemonkey
    Full Member

    I can't read through the whole thread right now, but here's my tuppence based on one of my "previous" best mates being an alcholic …

    Take the best and most supportive action you can to improve the situation, e.g. speak with him and anyone else "involved, and do what you can to help.

    If you do your best then that's sometimes all you can do. And like you say, if someone doesn't want to help themselves then they're not in a position to change (unless something else happens that enforces it). You have at least some piece of mind knowing you did your bit. If it starts affecting others negatively than approach that too.

    My best mate for 15yrs had a drink problem amongst other things, caused a sh1t load of trouble with a lot of people, got banged up, should've been banged up for other stuff but got away with it, etc, and was generally a jekyll and hyde type; best bloke when sober, complete ar5e when drunk. I did what I could for years but in the end called it quits, long after everyone else had. Haven't spoken with him in 3 years and have no idea what he's up to. He has his life, and I have mine – I know which I'd rather have.

    spacemonkey
    Full Member

    One quick little tip: sometimes the best action is no action. If you reach that point, then maybe you've done your bit and you've got to walk away.

    TandemJeremy
    Free Member

    One quick little tip: sometimes the best action is no action. If you reach that point, then maybe you've done your bit and you've got to walk away.

    And walk away without guilt.

    Ti29er
    Free Member

    My next door neighbour is an alcoholic.
    Her husband was too, with drugs issues too (he is a London Cabbie) and he went into a rehab clinic in Luton for 12 weeks.
    Not surprisingly he's very active now as a part time councilor.
    Hasn't helped his wife any.
    She has to want to, even with at least one visit to AA, she drinks and gets drunk, not often, but it's a problem.
    I had one tenant 18 months ago, who, aged 35, after his first heart attack rented a room off me. After a year I had to ask him to leave 'cause of his drunken behaviour.
    To be replaced by another alcoholic. He's mild, doesn't drink in the house, but spends every night in the pub.

    None of them sees that they have a drink problem.
    It's on the back of these and a few others that I became T Total last year.

    andywarner
    Free Member
    BigButSlimmerBloke
    Free Member

    He has enough on his plate being a full time carer for our mum.

    maybe if you helped out a bit?

    lowey
    Full Member

    Cheers all. I'll have a word with him and see how the land lies. I have to do at least that. Cant do nothing as I will feel that I have failed him.

    He has a daughter from his previous marriage, she is 18 and has a 4 year old daughter. She has told him that he cant see her unless he stops drinking, which I think is spot on.

    The bloke earns a shit load of money and has a good job in IT. Everything to live for on the face of it.

    This year is proving to be very testing for me.

    Thanks for your comments once again.

    lowey
    Full Member

    maybe if you helped out a bit?

    You have no idea, but thanks for your input. 🙄

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