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A sad day!

54 posts & 28 voices | Started 2 years ago by Fitzy | Latest reply from muddydwarf

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RichPenny - Member

Just to give you something positive from this, my parents split when I was 10, after a 14 year marriage. They both remaried within 4 years (OK, my dad had a headstart as he married his mistress!). Both my parents are now very happy, and I've got no idea how they lasted that long together since they aren't suited at all. I suspect it was for the kids, but with maturity I wish for their sakes they'd have separated earlier.

I would urge you to try as hard as you can to keep it amicable. I have a great relationship with both my parents and their partners, and I think it's because it was always civil between them. Just try and spend as much time as you can with your daughter and bite your lip if the ex tries to be bitchy. It'll be worth it in the end. Good luck, hope it works out for you.

Posted 2 years ago #
2unfit2ride - Member

Good luck fella, my wife turns 40 in a few days, but then thing's haven't been the same since the kids came along, I hope you get it sorted as best you can.
Good luck.

Posted 2 years ago #
Fitzy - Member

Sad as it seems, when this first happened. It felt that I was the only bloke that had ever gone through something like this.

However so many of you have a lot of experience and I might add, some very encouraging comments.

I wish I had posted earlier - who needs therapy when you lot are around - thanks!

Posted 2 years ago #
lowey - Member

Desperately sorry to read your troubles Fitzy... really am. I have two girls who are the center of my life, I just couldn't bear to ever have to tell them mum and dad are splitting up.

My wife is 36 so am now shitting it for 4 years time.

Virtual pat on the back sent your way, and all you other guys on here too.

Posted 2 years ago #
Zulu-Eleven - Member

Some of the long termers on here will recall my story in a previous incarnation as Labrat.

In a similar plot to some of the others one here, my ex went (in my opinion) completely doolally and a 12 year relationship was over in the space of a weekend, however shortly after splitting she did a runner with the kids, I had to track her down through private detectives to 200 miles away, and fight for six months to even get to see the kids.

It really should have rung the alarm bells when I met her psychiatrist when we were both seventeen! (recovering anorexic... me quite happy being knight in shining armour helping her, her continuing with relapses, panic attacks etc. for years)

The court system is bollocks, do everything you can to stay away from it, as by and large the bloke will never win unless mum is a direct risk to the kids!

CAFCASS are actually surprisingly reasonable as people themselves, but very set in their ways - mum keeps the kids dad gets weekend contact is still the overwhelming outcome, regardless of what life was like before or what the circumstances are.

That was about five years ago, and I can honestly say that it **** destroyed me at the time, I was on the edge of suicide, some of the people here really helped me through that patch and I'm eternally greatful!

I've battled on and off with depression etc since, but things do calm down, and I'm pretty much fine - overall I have a pretty good relationship with the kids, and see them as much as I can, but nowhere near as much as I'd like!

At the moment I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks with them in the holidays (they'll also get another week and a bit staying with my parents, grandparents are a very useful tool making half the holidays a feasible request!)

So, chin up - please don't get too down, there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. Your kids need you now and in the near future more than ever before! Its all part of life

As for my Ex? Settled down and got remarried last year, had a baby at easter and she seems to have calmed down. The kids will make their own mind up about everything when they are older. Personally, I'm really, honestly not bitter, but would still quite happily do her in with a shovel and leave her in a shallow grave

Posted 2 years ago #
nickc - Member

Like RichPenny, I'm the child of a broken marriage, 21 yrs. Split when I was about 14. If I can offer one bit of advice? Do not under any circumstances use your children as weapons against each other. There is, I suppose, an overwhelming urge to want to hurt each other, please try to be positive about each other to your kids. It IS the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to them, I'm 41, my brother (who went to uni so missed most of it) is in his late 40's, every-time we get together, the conversation will get round to our parents divorce, still, after all these years...Bear that in mind...

Posted 2 years ago #
fizzer - Member

Hi Fitzy how are you today? Been out on my bike and been thinking about you & your predicament whilst riding. Took me back to this time last year - everything fine then bang - all gone pear shaped. Take each day at a time and don't rush into anything. You're not alone and a lot of us on here are rooting for you.

Perhaps we should have a single Dad's ride (And Mum's if you like Cinammon Girl), obviously not on a contact weekend lol

Posted 2 years ago #
Fitzy - Member

Fizzer, I'm getting better each day.
Monday was sort of a closure point that brought the whole lot into prospective. However, having all these virtual pats on the back have given me a sore shoulder - thanks anyway.

A singles dads and mums ride could have a lot of different meanings, but it sounds a great idea!

I'm normally a glass half full type of guy and will come through much wiser and hopefully my daughter will be too.

Cheers girls and boys, you rock!!

Posted 2 years ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

Even adult offspring can find it hard to deal with when their parents split, as I found out last year. My two (early 20's) didn't want to know me cos I was the cow that walked out (nobody else involved) and in fact I was estranged from the youngest for a good six months. That was truly upsetting.

You will really value your friendships and it can be surprising the kindness of people.

Hang in there.

Posted 2 years ago #
Fitzy - Member

I've just got a message from my daughter and she is staying tonight :0)

Also it seems that I get custody of the DVD player - things are looking up!

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Good luck Fitzy.

Whilst not in the same league (i.e. kids involved) i went of the deep end last night, my depression came back for a visit when my guard was down.
I am a membe of a re-enactment group & i introduced the ex to this group 9yrs ago.
When we split she told me she wasn't going to be doing the events this yr so i thought i had a free run at getting back into it & renewing friendships that had been somewhat strained by the split.
It's my birthday this weekend & i was really looking forward to spending it at Stafford Castle. It turns out the ex decided to not only turn up at last weekend's event (that i only missed cos of a friend in trouble) but wants to go to this weekends one as well.

I do not, cannot be around her. I do not ever want to see her fat, bovine face ever again & she knows this. She also knows it's my birthday but she is determined to spoil it for me.

Not a good night.

Basically i've had a relapse & i think i need the happy pills again.

You too may find it coming back when you least expect it, but it WILL get better.

Posted 2 years ago #
fizzer - Member

Simon I can empathize with that. Just when your guard's down you get a bad day and it hits you hard. I don't get many these days but felt a bit low two days after the court hearing when I found out the ex had been lying about what was said in court, made me out the perputator and all that. Not that it is anyone else's business anyway.

Just to put things into perspective, about 3 months after she left me, my Dad died. Going through that experience on my own made me realise that I could overcome the separation from my family.

Then I met a wonderful lady and tried to start again. Ended it after 6 months. Just too much too soon. Pity because she really is special and was/is a great help. Got on fantastic with my kids & me with hers, maybe in time who knows but I don't feel ready to commit yet.

Bring on Friday morning and the French Alps

Posted 2 years ago #
Fitzy - Member

Hey Muddydwarf hang in there mate.

If you ever find yourself in Kent, give me a call.

Anyway, I have been telling myself that its her loss not mine - do it often enough and your start to believe it - mental conditioning I think its called.

Last night I briefly saw my ex, I didn't get all needy and sad but acted as though everything was good and I was enjoying being single again. Funny enough it was her that started to cry and lost the plot.

I'm glad the my daughter stayed with me last night.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Fizzer - that you Andy?

Drop me a line will ya, pc crashed & i lost all my e-mail address's.

Fitzy - good for you, hope you can keep up the good work!

Not sure what i'm gonna do yet - i don't need to spend my birthday getting uptight & upset because the FFF (Fat Frigid Frump) is in the vincity...

Posted 2 years ago #