Blimey , it's been a big week .And it's only tuesday , or something.
I live on a housing development up in the north . Manchester area . I wont name it . It has it's good bits , and its bad bits . Same as anywhere , i suppose .
All the really successful criminals live in Hale. It's not there .
Just last week , well , the weekend ,I had all my clothes stolen , well most of them . From the laundry up the road . I was a bit pissed off but there's no point shouting about it . It wasnt the chinky birds fault was it ? It turned out a fairly 'well heeled looking ferra ' had picked them up .
I said it must've been a mistake , but she didnt think so .
Anyway , like i said , it's a bit rough around here , but the people are just diamonds . Most of them ,anyway.
She's not really a chink . She's 'vieternamese '. Very good work ethic. Doesnt like the Amricans . Bombed her chippy . Honest .
She says " Bom -bing " .
I said , " It's a silent B "
She say , " Not in my bloody street . ! Everybody dead ! "
It's a true story .
The next day ,Kylie , the single mum from three doors down comes round . She's two kids from different fellas . Her first husband used to beat her , so she left him , and the new bloke works away a lot . Theyre saving for their own place .
so , she comes round with a big bin bag ,struggling a bit. She's mentioned my plight down at the single mum's refuge where she helps out ,and they've had a rummage and donated me some clothes .
I was touched , I can tell you . Not my usual look TBH . Trackies and stuff . I looked in the mirror , and I swear I looked like Vanilla I-C-E .
There's a few things in the bag that are a bit too wrong , though . You know ? We all have a limit . So , I pop em back in the bag , and as i'm nipping out anyway ( doctors orders ! ), i'll drop them round at Kylies for her to take back up the refuge .
Just as I step out onto the landing , Kylies coming out of her place . She's struggling with the pushchair in the door .Automatic door closer . fire regs .
It's time for Princess' walk , and she has to take Britney to the clinic . I 'd heard her bawling like a banshee in the night . Kylie looked absolutely knackered . What with John away , it can't be easy . She always has a smile though . Lovely girl .Someones daughter .
Anyway ,
I give her the bag , and that , and explain about the ' surplus clothes' ( i told her they were a bit too small just in case she thought i was a tosser, I was actually very grateful ), and just then realise I can do her a good turn back . Dib dib .
"I'll take princess for a walk so you dont have to mess about down the clinic ".
Princess is a lovely dog . A bit scary looking . One of them terrier types . A ' staffie ' , Kylie says . I dont know about dogs , but bloody hell can she pull .
I'm a bit out of breath as we get down onto the street . She's fairly dragged me down 4 flights of stairs . i hope she's got this much energy going back up ! ha !
I'm supposed to be taking it easy . I went to see the doctor . I've been a bit stressed out lately. It's little things that get you . Only last week i was in the work's van and nearly knocked a bloke off his bike . It was my fault i guess . I didnt indicate. No harm done in the end , but you shouldve heard the language on him . No wonder Clarkson doesnt like them .He is so funny . Did you know he's 6'6". How big's that in metres . Thiiiiiiiis biiiiiiig .
So , anyway , he phoned the yard.
The boss , Mr Chinaski ,said I should have a "bit of a break" . Sounds like the heave -ho to me in any language .
So , i'm chilling out .
In my Henleys project tracksuit and a pair of fake Sergio Tacchini bottoms .
At least my shoes are mine .Princess / cerberus is dragging me up the road when she suddenly comes to a stop . I 'm wrapped around a lampost with the dog and with my free-ish hand i'm trying to get out my nicotine replacement stick thing . Bloody rubbish .
sorry , but there you go .
Princess has seen a little kid in a Tansad and is pulling for a sniff , just when the phone rings . Of all the times !!
It's Mr Chinaski.
He wants to know If i'm feeling any better , he was a little worried , i'm a valuable member of the team , and would I be feeling up to turning in tomorrow , and that I sounded a bit 'nasal '?
whew ! what a relief .
I was smiling most outwardly as I said I was A- Ok , but i think the dad with the pram was a bit peeved off .
He didnt half pull the kid away, and gave me a proper nasty look , i can tell you . Most people round here know Princess . She's a proper softie , but like i said , looks a bit mean . She'd lick you to death that one .
There wasnt a lot I could do .
Princess is dragging me off to the park , I've got Henry , sorry MR Chinaski on the phone and a 4" long white plastic tube up my right nostril .
I should read the instructions .
So we get to the park . I'm wondering just what exactly the ' Henley project ' is . Are they trying to see just how many people they can con into buying their overpriced , underdesigned , far estern sweatshop clothing?
Mind you , if you get last season from TK maxx , it's not so bad ,when I realise…..
Princess will definitely want a number 2 .
I've none of them woopsie bags .
There's one of them doggy do bins , though . Over by the swings . they sometimes have a few stuck in the top . The council put em in . Good job it's not the 70s . They'd be full of evo-stick in faster than you can say " doG save the queen " . Ha .
Well , you know what's coming next . Princess squats down ,flarts , and squits all over the place.
Bag or no , you cant do owt with that .
And just then , who turns up . ? Tansad dad .
I am so utterly mortified at this juncture . It is now my turn to drag Princess .
Well , It's not the dogs fault .
There's a phone number on the bin for the council . I give them a ring ,and explain my predicament , and a lovely lady says it's no problem she'll send round the extermination squad ASAP .
She's joking !
They have a special team that deal with all the , er , crap jobs , so to speak .
So , we get to the flats . Princess is knackered and theres no way she'll walk up the stairs . Ace . The lifts out ( again ) and I end up carrying the bitch up the stairs .
kylie's on the landing with a brew , laughing her head off , and I swear the dog was laughing too ! I swore .
She'd seen me walking across the precinct and has made me a drink too , a nice cup of herbal tea . A right modern new-age infusion ,' Clarity ' or Harmonise ' or something .
I'll have a cup of 'Perspective ' . No sugar .
It turns out Britney just has the colic, poor thing , and John's coming home at the weekend , which is only , like , I dunno , a few days off , or something , and Mrs Chang has just phoned , that blokes been back in it was all a mistake .
Probably didnt fit him ,more like.
Laughed our heads off in the end , and even Princess caused a ruckus .
But it might have been at that fella downstairs playing the Wu-Tang dead loud . I think he takes drugs .
So , It was just like that .
Ok gotta go . There's someone at the door .
Is that a burning torch …. ?
