That’s put a mental image in my head that will haunt me for ever more!!!

Sorry, just couldn’t resist

Gave me a much needed laugh!

Although it didn’t last long. Mum has just messaged me that their local butcher’s and baker’s shops have had to close due to a few cases in them. Dad isn’t bothered about it.

Guess where he went yesterday?

Both of them. I’ve given up now, if he wants to go out and risk getting infected with anything and having the operation cancelled that’s up to him. As long as he doesn’t pass anything on to mum, that’s my main worry now as she’s trying to be as safe as possible.

Is he wearing a mask when he goes out?
That is probably the only thing you can try and do to help

No, has a visor but he adjusts it so it only comes down as far as his nose.

He went out again this afternoon to get my mum’s prescription. Totally ignoring two facts: it gets delivered tomorrow anyway and that mum is perfectly capable of getting it herself if she needs to.

I’ve left it to my sister to tell him off, she’s going to call them tomorrow. She’s Daddy’s Girl so we’re using that slant to see if we can talk sense into him. I’ll be channeling my anger into the STW TT tonight instead.

Time to update this a bit as it’s been a while.

Dad had his cataract operation successfully, no issues and he tested negative so he got away with all of his risk taking. I’ve not really spoken to him much fir the 3 weeks afterwards as he was just being childish so every time I’ve been there to help out with household stuff I’ve kept to talking to mum instead and it has had an effect. She told me last weekend that he was feeling cut off from me and discussed it with her one evening, she set the record straight a bit (don’t know exactly what she said) and it had a pretty profound effect on him from what she told me. I didn’t know about any of this until Wednesday evening.

I only really found out as I had gone down to give the whole house a full clean top-to-bottom while mum took dad to the hospital to have his leg looked at, his legions have got much worse the last week or so on his right lower leg and the doctors wanted to take some samples. Mum, as usual, is insistent on taking him to places as it gives her an excuse to get out for a bit, I’m not going to argue as it is good for her mental state I just make sure I’m around just in case she cannot do it for whatever reason. Well this Wednesday she wasn’t able to due to tiredness so I took him to the hospital and back. It was on the way there that he opened up and apologised for behaving poorly the last few weeks. He said he’s essentially fed up and going stir-crazy not being able to do anything he wants to do, whether that’s going to the pub or jobs at home. Basically he has no release right now. He said he was stupid for not telling us about this until now as we have, as a family, been through the mental health rollercoaster enough times to know the warning signs and to flag them up. He couldn’t say why he was this way, just that he was unable to explain why he had gone a different route this time. We’re not fully patched up yet, plenty to still work on but he’s now accepting help and listening to suggestions for ways we can all make each other’s lives easier and simpler.

Going there tomorrow as there is a door to be worked on, it’s finally dried out from the flooding and the warping means it needs to be shaved a bit to fit the frame properly, plus the house needs a good clean still so will crack on with that. Hopefully the nearness of spring and hopefully a lifting of some restrictions will help things improve over the next few weeks.

That sounds like decent news and positive.

I hope so! Today will be the acid test.

They prescribe psychoactive drugs now ??

I must get to the doctor more

Mum had a mini stroke the other week. Thankfully while talking to my sister on the phone ,who shot down at break neck speed and got things in hand.

Horrible to see mums or dads getting old. In fact i find the prospect quite a frightening one.

Forgotten to keep this updated as I’ve just been getting on with things.

Dad’s been slowly going downhill in the last few weeks. His legions on his right leg are really getting aggressive, to the point he is now finding it really hard to walk any decent distance or stand up for any length of time. The local surgery nurse who comes round 3 times a week to change the bandage has told me that it’s getting close to the point that the wounds are starting to eat into the bone below so they are going to have a word with the GP about options. I don’t know exactly what those would be but dad has mentioned his fear of amputation so I can only presume that has been mentioned to him at some point (I give them 100% privacy when the nurse is there). He is also sleeping an awful lot more than normal, he’s more like 16 hours asleep, 8 awake than the normal other way round. He doesn’t sleep it all straight, more 10 hours at night but then loads of naps throughout the day. I watched the Bahrain GP with him on Sunday and I don’t think he was actually awake for more than 15 laps of the whole thing, which is a worry as he always makes a point of watching every lap no matter how boring the race is. He’s also really struggling with his eyesight, having had new glasses made 3 weeks ago he’s constantly complaining about them being wrong. The optician has made another set for him after an second eye test and they’re no better. I fear his eyes are just no longer up to what he wants then to do and he’s refusing to accept it.

All this means that mum is getting massively stressed out and that is affecting her. I’m actually spending more time looking after her and her mental state than dad which is worrying my sister. Mum is just struggling for energy and drive to do much right now as every time she tries to get on with anything she has to stop to help dad with something or tell him off for doing something he’s not capable of!

Now that the weather is improving I’m going to try and finish sorting out the top lawn for them after the flood damage. Right now it’s an unusable space and they both enjoy being out there normally so if I can get that available to them again it should help with their states of mind. It may mean re-turfing the lawn though so need to get a move-on with it after the easter weekend.

At least lockdown is easing and the temperatures are going up. This winter has been absolute hell.

I think this must be one of the hardest things people have to deal with, not just enduring the death of their parents but watching them go downhill and suffer, especially if that’s prolonged. If we’re lucky they just drop dead one day without being in much pain or having suffered much.

My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather kind of gave up living once she died. The events put loads of strain on my Mum back in the 90s when I was too young to really empathise, which I feel quite bad about. It didn’t help that she lived 250 miles away and her useless brother…was, well, usless. Often this kind of thing brings out all the dysfunctionality in the family too, which again, is painful.

6 months ago, my in laws were living independently in their family home, despite advanced prostate cancer and early dementia.

Now MiL in a home, FiL was in supported accommodation but a series of issues have put him in hospital and he may not come out. MrsMC was down there last week making funeral plans with her brothers, awful to watch.

My uncle is pretty much useless with all of this too so understand how frustrating it can be. He just has no concept of how to deal with any delicate situation, no awareness whatsoever. I try to have as little to do with him as possible really, he just winds me up whenever he opens his mouth.

My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather kind of gave up living once she died.

That is what will happen to mum or dad when the other leaves, it’s each other that’s keeping them both going. Heartwarming but also painful to see. Horrible situation to be in.

@MoreCashThanDash – I know oyu will but be as supportive for her as you can right now. I know me and my sister will have to lean on everyone we know to get through that situation when the time comes.

Came to an end for me early last year when my mum died – dad went 20 years ago. Knew it was coming but still one of the saddest, hardest things in my life, especially those last few months.

I don’t think I have much I can offer, other than do not be too hard on yourself – there is no doubt you will do everything you can to make it better for them, and make sure that, just occasionally you get a break.

Thanks reluctantjumper. She’s being brave, but needs to let it out out occasionally.

Best wishes to all going through this at the moment.

Dad nearly went yesterday. Twice.

I was there to take mum shopping and he was sat in the lounge watching TV. We were meant to go at 12pm but mum wasn’t feeling particularly ‘with it’ so instead I was outside giving her car a good valet while she had some lunch. Suddenly she yelled for me so I went rushing in to see dad still sat there but on the phone trying to talk to 999 that he had dialled as he was having chest pains (we’ve persuaded him to keep the phone beside him at all times for this exact reason) but as I was stood there I could see that he was going downhill rapidly. Before I could hear him finish a sentence he could no longer say words, his eyes were rolling back in his head and he was not breathing properly. I had to wrench the phone out of his hand and take over the call, counting his breaths for the operator and trying to keep mum calm at the same time. He completely stopped breathing at this point and we both thought he had gone at that moment. The operator told me to get him on the floor so I had to try and lever him out of the chair, not easy as he’s 16 stone and my mum couldn’t really help as she has no real strength. As I got him out of the chair his breathing barely restarted and he tried to mutter something but all that came out was a noise that I recognised as what some people call ‘The Death Rattle’. As I was lowering him onto the floor one of his pegs refused to play ball so it twisted slightly and gave him a massive shot of pain, somehow this kicked him back into life and he started to breathe again after yelling out in pain. By this time the ambulance was arriving in the street but couldn’t get outside out house as my mum’s car that I had been cleaning was blocking the street and front door (narrow one way street) so I had to leave mum with him and quickly move it. As I got back in dad had again stopped breathing with mum crouching over him pushing on his chest and essentially saying goodbye. The paramedics took over from this point and somehow them doing their thing kickstarted dad breathing again. The next 10 minutes or so are a bit of a blur as I was more pre-occupied with keeping mum calm and dealing with an over-excited dog! All i know is they had him breathing within a few seconds somehow.

The paramedics managed to get him awake and conscious over the next 10-15 minutes and they could see that his vitals were steadily picking up so the immediate danger was gone. He was then taken to hospital but neither me or mum could accompany him due to Covid rules so I had to watch mum say bye to him in the ambulance and then look after her for the next few hours while we awaited any news. Thankfully he was fine by the time he got to hospital and they were happy to discharge him late last night so I went to pick him up, saying I’d phone him when I got to the main entrance. Except when I arrived he was stood at the roundabout by the main road without a jacket in 5 degrees with a cold wind! He said he didn’t want me to drive too far and waste my petrol so had walked down there to save me the bother. Utter moron and I told him that.

So then he was home and carrying on like nothing had happened. Stupid bugger. The only information he’ll give us is that they think his medication caused his blood pressure to suddenly drop so he’s not to take ibuprofen with it any more. I think he’s holding some information back and that he discharged himself instead of staying in overnight for observation. He keeps on saying he doesn’t want to create a fuss! As we can’t speak to the doctors or paramedics directly we have no choice but to take his word for it.

It was pure luck that it happened while me and mum were home. I shouldn’t have been down, I only was there as I had taken the Mini to the garage in the morning to have it’s wheel bearing done and if mum had felt fine we would have been out at the shops at that exact time. It was also pure luck the ambulance was so close, the crew were at the old station a mile away just about to start their break. The driver said their response time was 2m13s, amazing in a rural area. Somehow it just wasn’t his time to go, although he tried to twice. I’m going back there today to see how things are but it’s all a bit of a shock still.

The scary part is that both me and mum couldn’t decide what was the worse outcome: him not making it or us knowing that at some point we’re going to have to go through all of that again at some point. Doesn’t bare thinking about really. She did agree that coming home from shopping to find him gone was the worse scenario. Either way the next few days are going to be hard.

Sounds like a tough day.

Without wanting to sound callous, do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this? Fortunately for me, my mum had made it very clear to everyone (formally and informally) that she did not want to be resuscitated. Although difficult to discuss and accept at the time, it made life a bit simpler in the end. That said, her prognosis was “short months” and then she contacted COVID so it was a very different scenario to the one you have.

Sorry if that comes across as uncaring

We have had that discussion before and both didn’t want a DNR Putin their records officially at that stage. May be time to revisit it over the next week or so, thanks for the reminder.

Tough times, keep sharing on here if it helps you process it.

Both my in laws have requested DNR now. Its one of many conversations I need to have with my parents when we check their arrangements

do you know if your parents want to be resuscitated at times like this?

I was going to ask the same question. My mum has made it quite clear she doesn’t.

As timbog said up there

I don’t think I have much I can offer, other than do not be too hard on yourself – there is no doubt you will do everything you can to make it better for them, and make sure that, just occasionally you get a break.

This is really important, there are no right and wrong decisions, you can only do your best and make sure that when you look back you know you tried.

The thing that I was left thinking was how valuable (and too often missing) dignity is in the last stages of life.

Stay strong rj (and everyone else dealing with similar).

Had a bit of a breakthrough with dad this weekend.

After the scare of him nearly going a few weeks ago he’s been quietly thinking and contemplating a few things. Unbeknown to any of us he had made an appointment to meet with a representative from Marie Curie at his local pub one evening to talk through things. I don’t know what they talked about but he left with a few leaflets and a small book specific to his type of cancer which he read over the course of a few days.
This weekend he called a family meeting and quietly apologised for a few things before talking for a few minutes about how this new information has made him realise that all of his symptoms he’s having are normal and not down to medical negligence or errors. He was in a constant cycle of appointment, new medication, operation (two cataracts), blood tests and back to appointments where he always wanted to see improvements but would get all pent up and angry when it didn’t happen. It really seems to have taken a massive weight off his mind and allowed him to relax a bit more, to accept what is happening to him and just get on with what he can. He’s finally accepted that he won’t go back to having 20:20 vision, his knees will never be perfect again, he will always suffer with a lack of energy, he won’t be able to drive again and that no matter what he eats he will lose weight due to the cancer raising his metabolism.

It may only be a small thing but it will make things so much easier for us all. Mum should now be able to coax him to be more sensible, he’ll be more accepting of help and we should be able to revisit the areas of DNR’s, POA’s and related stuff easier over the next week or two.

That is great progress rj. Anything that brings dignity to the chaos and confusion of terminal illness is to be welcomed.

Got a bit of an issue about to rear it’s head in the next week or two, not with dad but with mum.

She’s been bipolar for getting on 25 years now and this has led to her feeling very self-conscious whenever she goes out the house. She also has a history of panic attacks that sneak up incredibly quickly and with no pattern to them. For a long time dad would do the shopping and things like taking the car for a service so she never had to interact with other people in the outside world unless it was on her terms. As dad has been unable to do things like this for the last 2-3 years she did start to go out more often but on the occasional visit it was clear they hadn’t been shopping for a while so either me or my sister would get some stuff for them. Usually basics like bread and milk. We never fully understood why they would run out as they live half a mile from the town centre and it has a few different places to get basics, you could even do a full shop if you put your mind to it. I did set them up with home deliveries when the moved back home after the flood damage had been repaired but it fell by the wayside as neither of them would do an online order in time for stuff to be delivered before they needed it (not helped by the severe lack of slots locally) and as I was not working we’ve sort of fallen into the habit of me taking mum shopping more often than not.

The issue now is that I’m about to go back to working again, agency work rather than a permanent position so I will not be able to plan days off and visits very well for the foreseeable future meaning mum will have to do the shopping more often on her own. She did one on Tuesday but has confided in my sister that she was petrified the whole time she was out. I fear that I just cannot rely on them to get food for themselves regularly enough right now without external help. Dad does go up to town most days but he rarely comes back with anything more than milk, he just doesn’t think like that any more even though he thinks he does! In a weird way though they’re not in danger of starving, they have far too many tins stashed in drawers for that to happen, but the basics will no longer be there and I really want to avoid them both turning into those people that live off tinned food only.

I really don’t know how I’m going to manage the transition of me going back to work, mum will quite easily just stay indoors and dad isn’t really up to taking over the shopping again even if he could travel to the supermarkets. I’m going to have to try and get them back into home deliveries somehow, that’s going to be a battle.

Sorry to hear that, sounds like you’ve been doing a great job looking after your parents.

Can you do the online shopping for them? You could phone them to get their shopping list and then enter it yourself.

Alternatively, if they’ve got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically. 4 pints of milk can be defrosted in 24 hours, sliced bread the same or can be toasted from frozen. You could also get a weekly vegetable box delivered.

We also used a ready meal service for my mum before she had to go into a home after a bad fall – weekly delivery of frozen meals. I think we used Wiltshire Farm Foods

Have they a local milk man? Some now deliver extras like bread and eggs etc. Or newsagents? If ask/ maybe pay extra they could do regular drop for them?

They did have the local milkman delivering for a while but they (and the neighbours) were having issues with the milk not lasting more than a day or two so that was dropped. The papers are already delivered but the newsagents don’t deliver anything else sadly. The issue with me doing the online order for them is that they decide what they want on the day and that they also use 3 different supermarkets: Aldi for cereals, meats and some basics; Morrisons for treats, other basics and mum’s tobacco; Waitrose for a few luxuries and wash gear. Occasionally mum will want to raid Poundland too! It’s the routine they fell into a few years ago and they are really reluctant to change it. Even it taking so long that some food defrosts while shopping didn’t convince them, the solution to that was a powered coolbox for the car! As dad’s a stubborn 82 year old and it’s very hard to negotiate mum’s mental health issues (she’s also stubborn) it makes it a very tough tightrope to walk. Treat mum the wrong way and the Wall of Silence is put up, once that happens then don’t think about breaching that subject for a few days at least!

Alternatively, if they’ve got space for a chest freezer, stock it up periodically.

They have two already and both are full, but never of anything they want. It’s part of both of their hoarding tendencies, which has filled most of the house. When the flood happened early last year the second freezer was finally opened for the first time in years and lots of stuff had Best Before dates going back 10 years. One of the new freezers is heading for the same fate, being a store for the main one. It’s not the most extreme example but during the tidy-up I found a box of unopened Kellogg’s Corn Flakes dated 2015 and a 6-pack of crisps dated 2014, they were the youngest things in that cupboard. It’s been a near-constant battle for the last decade.

Going there today so will have to see if the subject can be discussed sensibly or not.

Similar to Murray, I set up weekly delivery slots and every day asked what was needed and added it to the list for the next delivery. The most freely available were from Morissons, but that may have been because they had listed my relative as ‘vulnerable’ With Morrisons, I don’t remember not being able to get a delivery. Sometimes I was able to get one in the next 48 hours.

Don’t discount the local small shops. My in-laws call their local convenience store one day, and pick up the items they ordered the next, even mid pandemic. For a small fee it can be delivered. Once again, the price can be a bit high, but it is a cost worth paying.

Milk was delivered by a milkman. Can you get a regular delivery setup,? its a bit pricey, but takes constant ‘fear’ away.They often do other ‘fresh stuff as well. I don’t know where they are based, but check “Milk and More“. I just checked their site to add the link and they do a lot more than milk. There is also a postcode checker at the bottom of the page

The hardest for us was fresh fruit/veg, but one of the neighbours would pick some up midweek when she was doing her weekly shop and I would drop some off whenever I went over. That said, the milk and more link shows a lot more variety than I remember. There is also the option to change the next days delivery (assuming you have one booked)

As things progressed further I added a extra freezer in to the mix. Meals from Cook are nearly all cooked from frozen, and the kids meals offer some ‘balanced’ meals with potatoes and veg. The Cook delivery system seems to be based on visiting some areas on set days of the week (Tuesdays and Thursday for us). This has the extra advantage of generally being the same driver each time so you can build a rapport, useful when you need heavier items carried to the freezer in the garage on some days. I guess being in her own home with a familiar face visiting may help you mums anxiety?

On a personal note, don’t beat yourself up about not being able to plan in advance. My wife and I coined a phrase “no regrets”. It was used when we knew we were in a difficult position and we had to go with our gut feel as to what the best option was. Looking back we did get some things wrong, but that was when we repeated the mantra “no regrets” i.e. you do you best at the time

Sorry, crossed post as I was making breakfast while typing so did not see your update. Hope there is still something in my post (maybe just the milk and more link) that helps

@reluctantjumper from this and some of your other posts I pick up familiar local places. Have you tried https://www.breconmilk.co.uk/delivery as he covers a pretty large area these days and will pretty much drop anything off.

Edit: because if they are Crickhowell way, friends in Cwmdu didn’t find the local milkman there too good either a few years back.

Can I have a little offload in here?

I was furtunate to work in the same office as my dad for three year (yay nepotism!) until he was made redundant at 64 and 1/2 with a big fat payout etc. Has he been able to enjoy his retirement of marathon running, canoeing, cycling and paddle boarding or doting on my nephews during all of the above?

No, no he has bloody not. Prostate cancer first, had that whipped out under the knife then all of lock down battling lymphoma to be given the all clear, had about a month of lock down unstick before a bit of a heart valve broke free and he had to get it sewed back on after months of tooting a froeing. Since then he’s had a rocky recovery with a number of pneumonia problems.

Has he been very chill about it? Yes actually him and my mum have been absolutely unbelievable. I on the other hand have been a anxiety riddled wreck! I can only imagine how hard it would be if they weren’t doing what is good for themselves.

Venting on behalf of MrsMC who has just had the call to say her dad is on his last few hours.

Living independently at the start of the pandemic, albeit with heart problems, prostate cancer and caring for her mum who was starting to show dementia. Ended in separate homes, various falls and issues have had him in and out hospital this year, finally a heart attack last Thursday looks like being the end.

MiL was able to visit him yesterday and they had a decent hour in their own little world apparently, but since she left he’s gone downhill rapidly.

Luckily all arrangements in place, and all agreed that if her pretty amazing dad was to pass away peacefully now it would be the kindest thing.

@joshvegas – dad did the same. Worked until he was 76 then retired only to get the cancer diagnosis 6 months later. Had been on to him for a while about winding things down but he didn’t want to let down his clients.

@timber – Brecon Milk is the one we and neighbours had issues with, in Crickhowell.

Mum was having a bad day yesterday so couldn’t really broach the subject, will have to try next visit.

That’s unfortunate, friends and neighbours use them for milk, juice and bread.

Could try the shop at Llangynidr, Walnut Tree, think they do delivery. Surprised none of the Crickhowell shops have a town delivery service. Lot of the butcher’s are doing delivery.

Crickhowell is only 15 minutes from me, so PM me for my number if you think I could help in a pinch. Best local curry house and Chinese are in Crickhowell anyway.

One in town does do deliveries but the owner is a convicted sex offender (historical inappropriate comments/behaviour put him on the list, nothing dangerous) so mum won’t use it.

Thanks for the offer but my sister lives in Brecon so she can run stuff to them in emergencies plus a few family friends that would gladly help out on the odd occasion, it’s more about getting them to accept a new shopping routine that makes their lives easier. We’ll get there but it may need then to go without once or twice for the idea to sink in and stick.

My old man is approaching 80 and despite being generally very fit has a variety of body parts failing which means he can’t do his normal pastime things like fishing, cycling, hillwalking or touring in the campervan (they just sold it with the realisation it isn’t feasible any more). With covid lockdowns etc on top this has left him incredibly bored and frustrated and it’s the mental struggle of failing body and not being able to do the things that he used to do which is the biggest thing affecting his quality of life, although the physical problems aren’t helping either.

I’m trying to think of ways to counteract this frustration and boredom – anyone had similar experience and found a way to help ageing parents with this kind of thing?

Through no fault of your own this topic has made me cry, bringing back memories, sad ones of when my dad battled with terminal cancer. He got given only months to live but he managed a year and a half. I was 23 when he got diagnosed and was 25 when he died next to me in a hospital room full of specialists, he choked to death from blood he was bringing up. One nurse was crying at the sight and another told her ‘this isn’t a normal death, don’t worry’.

I’m still not over it, my whole life changed overnight. With other life issues going wrong all at the same time. All I can say is that being there for them as much as you can is all that you can do. Anything they need you get it, anything they want you do it. My father and I were lucky enough to have a closer bond between each other during his illness, I’m also lucky enough to not regret my handling of the situation, as I thought I looked after him as well as I could. It’s awful but you need to be the strong person.

Just picked my old man up from the Western General today.
He went in very ill, expected him to never get out actually, but a bit of care and he’s back home.
Palliative care now and hopefully a quiet ending at home. Fingers crossed.

They reckoned 5yrs, he’s had 3 1/2 but to be fair his decline was mainly in the last year, drastically in the last few months.

Tough one Brads but you do have a clear path now. Your role is to make that palliative care the best you can,. PM me if yo want to discuss off forum

Best of luck