Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 309 total)
  • Watching your parents slowly succumb to old age and Cancer
  • MarkyG82
    Full Member

    RJ. I just want you to know that we all support you so rant away. Having just lost my dad (2 weeks ago) and my mum went 6 years ago I am coming to terms with being at the top rung of the family (bar my brother who is 3years older). It really is a shit feeling having gone through the care process over the last 6-12 months. On top of that MrsG82 is suffering big depression/anxiety while being pregnant. We get some support from my bro but he and his wife are firm believers that mental health sufferers should suck it up. FFS!

    We are all spread far and wide but shout if you need anything as there are many kind souls on here and I for one will help where I can.

    turin
    Free Member

    RJ – How did things go with the assessor?

    Hoping that there was a decent outcome for team RJ

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    The assessor turned up at 8pm eventually, he’d had a busy day by all accounts! Dad was trying to say he was coping fine and just wanted everything cleared up but I managed to get the assessor and me alone while we inspected the garden shed and fencing. Ha said straight away he would be recommending an urgent relocation as there is no way staying in the house is an option with the stench and lack of facilities. The issue is that there is very little alternatives locally so they’re still trying to sort that out. They did have one place to offer but it was in Tredegar that dad refused point-blank, citing transport links as he needs to get to hospital for chemo every week plus tests etc. I think he’s going to just refuse everything though as a few neighbours have offered solutions between them for the next week or so but he is turning them down, I only found out this when one of them caught me putting the rubbish in the skip and told me! The issue is he didn’t report the flooding until Monday (it happened early Sunday morning) so everyone else’s insurance had already snapped up what little options there were before his insurers knew about it. If anyone knows of anything that’s available for short term rent in the Abergavenny/Crickhowell/Brecon area that is suitable for two elderly people with mobility issues, takes dogs and has 3 bedrooms (one for mum, one for dad and one for my cousin who is living with them still) then PM me as it’s getting desperate. The workmen are coming Friday to start the gutting and drying out work and he cannot still be there for that. If he doesn’t accept something by then the insurers are completely allowed to move him to anywhere they deem suitable and that could be a long way from home. Neither me or my sister have room for even one of them at our places otherwise we’d have had him out of there by now.

    Went there yesterday to clear out all the rotting food from the freezers and cupboards, there was an awful lot! I knew they had a hoarding issue but there was 2 full-size freezers, two fridges and countless cupboards full of food to get rid of. 19 refuse sacks are now in the skip at the top of the road! They had both hidden stashes of pasta, cereal, sauces and tins in multiple drawers and cupboards, all ‘just in case’. I found a perfectly preserved 3 pack of 1kg Kellogg’s Corn Flakes boxes in one cupboard, they went out of date in 2015. Worst though was the stench from it all, I had to go and throw up half way through as it was completely overwhelming.
    My sister told me later that she had had to stop dad rescuing tins from the mud-covered drawers on Thursday as he was going to wash them and keep them, he admitted to her he’d been doing the same with cereal boxes that were just above the water line. Completely unacceptable for him in his current state. He genuinely thinks he’s coping fine with it all, neighbours have told me he’s refusing any offers of food or drink and all he’s worrying about is silly stuff like are the recycling bins clean ready for the rubbish on Wednesday.

    Mum is still in hospital and will be for a while now. Her immune system is basically attacking her skin, producing loads of water blisters that are rupturing and leaving her covered in scabs and weeping wounds. As she’s in hospital I don’t have to worry about her too much, just keep the visits from me or my sister regular and take in supplies of treats for her.

    I managed to get the heating in the house running again so dad’s not having to rely on the wood burner for heat. We’ve also found him a small fridge (a Guinness novelty one) so he can keep milk fresh. I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have though as he’s too comfortable sat there all warm watching TV! I couldn’t just not do anything though. It’s completely gut-wrenching to see him living in what’s basically squalor when there’s help if he wants it, why he’s being the way he is I don’t know. It’s like dealing with a 5 year old at times.

    So yeah, things are moving forward but nowhere near fast enough for various reasons. The priority is to get them safe, clean accommodation as everything else can then move at whatever pace it needs to. Again, if anyone knows of anything that’s available for short term rent in the Abergavenny/Crickhowell/Brecon area that is suitable for two elderly people with mobility issues, takes dogs and has 3 bedrooms (one for mum, one for dad and one for my cousin who is living with them still) then PM me as it’s getting desperate. The insurers reckon 2-3 months to sort the house out but it could be longer.

    2020 was meant to be a better year than 2019, it hasn’t started well.

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    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Time to update this I think.

    We found mum and dad a place to stay while the house is being fixed after the flooding. A family friend has opened up their house for them and they are now living there. It’s less than half a mile away from home so they’re very happy to be in familiar surroundings and the family friend has gone way above what they needed to to make them comfortable. Mum is also now out of hospital.

    That’s the good news over with.

    Bad news is dad is really suffering from the extra stress on top of his chemotherapy. He’s visibly losing weight rapidly and his mind is really struggling to keep track of conversations and day-to-day life. Mum is coping but her watching him deteriorate is really getting to her, thankfully the family friend who is putting the up is really helping her cope. I’m limiting my number of visits due to the virus but I’m making sure I phone them every few days with my sister doing the same. It’s a struggle but we’re just taking it one day at a time, we can’t really do any more than that.

    The work on the house hasn’t even started yet, it’s going to be a long time before it does. I helped clear most of the savable stuff out with my sister last week so it’s all ready to go but the longer it’s left the worse it will get.

    So it’s not really moving forward or backwards as such, it’s the worry about the Covid-19 situation that’s the main focus right now. They’re both in the most at-risk group: old and with poor immune systems. I fear it’s only a matter of time before they get it and then it’ll be partly down to luck on what happens then.

    Tough times lay ahead.

    timbog160
    Full Member

    I’m afraid I have nothing to offer other than best wishes. It sounds like your focus now really should be supporting your mum. Oh, and looking after that family friend. Good luck with it all!

    MrOvershoot
    Full Member

    If I knew where you were I would give you a hug!

    I can only imagine what those of you with relatives with underlying health issues are going through at the moment with Covid-19 looming over.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Well it looks like I saw both mum and dad for the last time for a while yesterday. Didn’t plan on seeing them but I went down to the house to start work on the garden and they saw my car and popped in to say hi. Had a quick chat with them and no physical contact and have told them that if they see my car again to call me first.

    Bloody heartbreaking thing to say to your parents when they need my help the most.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Well time to put a bit of good news on this thread, although it will be counteracted by bad news too.

    Finally got my dad to see sense and stop going out every morning to the newsagents for the daily papers. Between me and the shop staff pestering him he’s agreed to have them delivered. Small victory but a good one.

    That’s the good news, the bad news is that he’s really starting to go downhill due to his chemotherapy being paused during the current situation. Mum says he’s getting visibly weaker every day and he is really struggling with his immediate memory. He’s still fine on the big things like where he is, what day it is etc but anything done in the 30 sec – 5 minute range is lost on him. It’s driving my mum crazy but there is nothing we can do about it.

    The hardest bit about all of this is that neither me or my sister can go and see them, check things first hand. Phone calls just don’t cut it and they have no means of doing video calls. I felt helpless before all of this but doubly so now. Mum will keep ticking on for a while yet but I genuinely don’t see how dad can survive until the end of the summer.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Well after a month of no real change in anything it looks like my dad’s cancer is starting to run amok again. He’s suffering with new lesions popping up all over his skin and the old ones that were receding thanks to treatment are coming back. He hasn’t had any chemo for 5 weeks now but the hospital are keen to get him back in as soon as they can but that could be a while. The cancer ward has no staff due to redeployment and absences so while it’s there it’s pretty useless with no staff. He’s starting to go stir-crazy too, going out once a week for his treatment would actually be a good thing for him mentally as well as physically. He’s still venturing down to the house every few days with my mum to do some gardening and sorting as it’s only 500 yards away and the workmen aren’t there (all on furlough) so I don’t know whether that’s helping him mentally or not.

    Really hard to know exactly what their situation is over the phone, they both have a habit of understating things (it’s actually a family trait!) and insisting they’re all fine but as I can’t visit them and see for myself it’s very hard to not worry.

    csb
    Full Member

    Sad as this situation sounds, the fact that he is getting out a bit is good, much better than many people (my mum was a prime example) who simply shut down and do nothing but get futile treatment till they die. So celebrate (and focus on) his successes in doing stuff I say.

    mehr
    Free Member

    I feel for you reluctant, my Dad died last Monday after a relatively short battle. And I suffered all those things you mentioned, the main one being getting what was really happening over the phone.

    He mentally checked out months ago so the information we were getting was next to nothing making the stress of not knowing whether to go visit him today, tomorrow or next week or is he even alive draining. Luckily we got to see him 2 days before he died and it was obvious he was going then, so we at least got to say a goodbye

    Now we have to deal with a Covid funeral were they’ll be 12 people (as opposed to 100+), his body will already be there, then its a 20 minute service with no wake. We’ll do something in the summer but it won’t be the same

    Like CSB says the fact hes getting out and about is a positive sign, my Dad (though he had some complications) didn’t leave the house after Christmas, which in part led to his rapid decline

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Sorry to hear that Mehr, not the best of times to be dealing with funerals and all.

    Yeah, happy he’s getting out relatively safely but having not seen him for nearly 6 weeks now means I have no idea how he really is. He was visibly looking older and weaker every time I saw him since the end of January so hopefully he’s not deteriorated too far since. The urge to just jump in the car and go see them both is rather strong but I have to resist. The hope is he easily makes it long enough to move back into the family home and get settled again. I think being in familiar surroundings and being able to potter around on his own little projects would do him the world of good but that may be a long time away.

    It’s a strange situation where I want lockdown to end ASAP so I can go see them but also don’t want it to end as it’s there to protect people exactly like them.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Oh FFS!!

    Just been delivering to a customer on a retail park and spotted my mum’s car in the car park. Rang her and they’re both in B&Q to buy a lawnmower, hedge trimmer and mulcher. I’ve already arranged for a neighbour’s son to do the lawn once a week so there is no reason for them to be out!

    The place is full of old biddies too, all out to get plants and compost. Don’t think they got the memo the bank holiday isn’t today.

    So angry right now.

    csb
    Full Member

    Reluctantjumper, it’s at this stage I think you need to pull back a bit for your own sanity. You clearly care immensely, but they’re adults and clearly aren’t listening. If you try too hard to ‘parent’ them you’ll do yourself in.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    I’m trying to but it’s incredibly hard when one minute they’re asking for help and advice then they go against it or just plain ignore thing.

    At least I know I definitely couldn’t deal with having any kids!

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Well I’ve just had a tough phone call with my mum.

    She’s rather worried about how dad is doing. He’s visibly losing a lot of weight and his legions are running riot with a few looking like they’ve become infected. The local nurse that has been coming to dress his wounds has referred him to the high risk team that are dealing with urgent cases right now and they’ve agreed to get him in for an examination early next week. She took blood and skin samples today for urgent analysis as she’s concerned with the way everything has flared up in the last week. As it’s been nearly 7 weeks since his last chemotherapy session it’s looking like the cancer has come back strong and with a vengeance. The cancer ward that was treating him is still not operational so they’re having to see where they can get him to be assessed and possibly restart treatment.

    Bit of a shock to the system as he was getting along fine recently from what he was telling everyone. He could have been hiding it from us, easily done over the phone, bu even my mum has been caught out by it. jsut got to wait and see what the docs say next week.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    Sorry to hear that. this sort of thing is tough at the best of times.

    Hospitals are generally managing this sort of thing well by cohorting patients so risk of going in to hospital is low.

    good luck

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    It’s not the risk of catching anything that’s the issue at his hospital, it’s staffing levels hence why they have had to refer him.

    Trying not to worry as there’s nothing I can do to control the situation but on top of everything else it’s not great.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Time for a little update on this, mainly to keep it as a sort of record of things!

    Have seen mum and dad a few times now since I’ve been allowed to according to the WAG. It was a massive shock the first time! They’re still both living in the friend’s house as the workmen haven’t managed to finish fixing the flood damage, just waiting on fixtures to go in before decorating so not long left. That’s all in hand though as steady progress has been made and we can all see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been so long the dog has forgotten where is proper home is!

    What shocked me though was seeing dad for the first time in months and it’s taken a few visits to take it all in. He’s lost (and still losing) a lot of weight, as in a few stone, and it really shows on him. He’s gone from looking like he was 60-70 to definitely looking his full 80 years and a bit more. He’s not quite at the stage where he looks hollowed out but it’s not far away! He’s been having chemo again for a few weeks now and it has made a difference to his lesions. He’s definitely more comfortable too. He’s also becoming incredibly forgetful and nadgery, to the point he’s driving my mum nuts most days. Nothing we can do about that but let it wash over us I suppose. HE’s still got his marbles but it takes a long time to explain things to him now and he easily gets obsessed about stupid little things. What is worrying us all though is that he’s very low on energy, he needs to take 2-3 naps every day and doing anything physical wipes him out for a few hours. Again, nothing we can do for him but that doesn’t make it any less painful to see.

    Mum’s coping ok, still covered in little scabs from the auto-immune system fighting itself but on the whole doing ok. I think looking after dad is one of the things that’s keeping her going.

    What’s worrying me is that I don’t want to go and see them. I’ve got a lot of stress on my side to deal with right now (redundancy, uncertain future etc) and having to deal with them on top is close to pushing me over the edge so I’m limiting my time there with them. As I’ve been pushed beyond my capacity not long ago I’m very aware that I need to avoid that happening again. I know I’m close to it as I have had to leave a ride with mates early and turn down shifts at my temporary part-time job as I just couldn’t process it. The temporary job is also messing me around with the possibility of going full-time soon and there are a few other things that worry me about the way the place is run too, all adds up to extra stress. Thankfully money isn’t an immediate issue as my redundancy pay will give me a healthy cushion but I really don’t want to eat into that cushion if I can help it. I have a nasty feeling I’m going to need it to support mum and dad in the not-too-distant future.

    So that’s the current state of play. Small bits of good news but lots of bad in there too.

    MrOvershoot
    Full Member

    So glad for the update.
    You are a hero going through all this and keeping us updated.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Nowhere near a hero! Just fighting the battles as they come.

    Clover
    Full Member

    You are doing way better than I am. I am watching (slightly different but no less disturbing) decline but they’re in Germany and I’m here. So well done for being able to help out proactively but also don’t beat yourself up about what you can’t do (this is something I am working on).

    csb
    Full Member

    RJ that reads like a lot more positives than negatives. And they sound like they’ve got a modicum of quality of life.

    I got to see my Dad of 87 (who’d been isolated since March) last week for the 1st time. It was lovely, outside in the garden, but not being able to hug him or him hug the kids was sad. Getting old really looks like it sucks doesn’t it!

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Hit a bit of an issue yesterday.

    The workmen have nearly finished repairing the house after the flood damage, the last few jobs were meant to be done this week. On Monday the gas fitter came to fit the cooker only for him to say he couldn’t install it as the wiring arrangements around it were against regs so he had to refuse. The main supply for the cooker is off to the right where he said it has to be behind the cooker with a remote switch. No problem, if that’s how it’s got to be then so be it. To fix it though the workmen will need to remove 2m of the tiling and a new cupboard, install a new hidden wire, remove the old wiring and then refit everything. Just another setback so no big deal.

    Except both mum and dad have got it into their heads they’re moving back in this week. Mum had placed a home delivery from Iceland for today of enough food to fill the freezers (she has two for some odd reason), tomorrow there is a delivery of furniture scheduled and dad has started to get small boxes out of storage and filling the drawers up. I knew none of this.

    Yesterday I went down to assemble the kitchen table and chairs plus mow the lawns. Did all of that with no issue, put the white goods in their places and ready to be switched on for the food delivery. It was only at the end of this that dad mentioned the cooker issue and showed me the email from the insurance co. contact. It stated:

    Work is on pause until the cooker issue has been resolved.
    Any new deliveries of furniture or getting items out of storage should be put on hold until further notice.
    The handover day will be pushed back, a new date will be advised shortly.

    I’m ashamed to say I went mad at this, the whole day was completely wasted and had to be completely undone. Mum and dad refuse to believe they won’t be moving in on the original date, both of them basically throwing tantrums when presented with the facts. I quickly emailed the insurers who got back to me this morning, they can’t get any workmen in to fix the cooker issue for at least a week. I had warned the parents yesterday that it could be a few weeks to rectify it but they were having none of it.

    Phoned mum with the details I’ve got from the insurers earlier and she just said ‘Oh well, I’ll be moving back and just have to do without a cooker then.’ I put the phone down at that point and my sister is now going there to try and talk sense into them.

    I know they just want to be back home and that delays are frustrating but they just won’t listen to me. Finding it really hard to keep my calm with them, something I need to do as it’s possible I may have to move back in with them in the new year if I don’t find a job capable of paying the bills by then. All of the stress from this and trying to find work is driving me nuts.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Well, I saw them for the last time for a while today. Went down there to do some of the heavy lifting of furniture and package boxes so that they can start to put the house back to a normal state. They should be able to move back home next week. The problem is I’m in one of the Welsh lockdown areas so won’t be able to go see them unless it’s classed as an emergency, so basically not until christmas and even that may not be a given!

    Really crap timing all things considered.

    bentandbroken
    Full Member

    The problem is I’m in one of the Welsh lockdown areas so won’t be able to go see them unless it’s classed as an emergency

    IANOL – However, I think, as a primary carer, you are allowed to see them. IMHO You are a primary carer as they need someone to move furniture and sort stuff out that they are unable to do themselves in order for them to move back home with health conditions.

    It mightt be worth you checking on .gov.uk as advise changes frequently and I am not in Wales, but the above is based on BBC news advice that I overheard yesterday while I was wondering if I would be allowed to visit my elderly/vulnerable/end-of-life mum if we go into local lockdown.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Just a quick update on this.

    They both moved back home last week. I haven’t been able to go to see them so only have information from my sister but they seem to be settling back in slowly. There’s still two jobs the insurers need to do to the house but they are happy to do the work when it suits my parents, it’s only a minor fix on some tiling and tidying up some wiring behind a cupboard so nothing major.

    There is one issue that has reared it’s head though. As the temporary accommodation they’ve been in for the last 7 months was a bungalow my dad has got out of practice going up and down stairs. His bedroom in their house is on the 2nd floor up two flights of stairs, one is normal but the second up to the attic room is steeper than normal and quite narrow. A few days ago he had a small fall going up at the top of the second flight, scraping his arm on the wall and dropping his mug of coffee. It was only when my sister was there today and went up to his room to get something that she spotted the spilt coffee on the wall and asked about it. He reluctantly admitted to falling over. Thankfully he listens to my sister better than me and she has firmly planted the seed of the idea of moving his room down to the first floor into my old room that is currently his study/office. He’s going to think about for a few days before making any decisions but my sister is going to keep the pressure on I think. He apparently tried to use the excuse of where would I go if I moved back home in the new year (looking more likely every day) and wasn’t happy about being told by my mum that I could use the attic room he’s currently in. He’s basically looking for excuses to not change things. I’m trying to stay out of it for the time being as I’m 40 miles away and it’s hard to get a full understanding of everything without being there, which I still cannot do. That’s making me feel very helpless in all honesty, not a feeling I like.

    So that’s what the state of play is right now. Just when I thought things would start to get better for a while something was guaranteed to put a spanner in the works.

    loum
    Free Member

    Well done, you can only keep trying.
    Thinks don’t seem at their worst at the moment, small mercies.
    Hope you’re ok too.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Just an update on this as a few things have changed over the last month.

    Dad had another round of chemo beginning of this week so is currently going through the down he usually gets afterwards, lasts about 5 days normally. While there he had a word with the docs about his balance issues and they found he had a blocked left ear. They got this syringed while he was in there and things seem to have got better so he’s still sleeping in the 2nd floor bedroom although my old room on the first floor is ready for him now, we just need to move his reclining bed down when he makes the decision.
    One issue that has raised it’s head though is that he is now showing signs of early onset dementia. Both me and my sister have noticed this whenever we visit. As usual with this he initially insisted that he was fine but with a few bits of gentle prodding from both of us and my mum (that resulted in a short argument between me and him) he has realised that we are looking out for him and are not trying to control him. He still won’t mention it to his doctor but he is now aware that we are actively looking out for it.

    Mum is the main worry though. Her auto-immune issues are really getting her down and making her life miserable. Her skin is basically covered head-to-toe with blisters caused by her white blood cells attacking the layer of flesh under the skin constantly, these blisters then fill with pus and burst which then leads to bleeding while they scab over. The scabs then cause the surrounding skin to become tight and start another blister and so on. She has to cover herself every day with plasters and bandages, change her bedsheets every day due to them all weeping while she sleeps and is in a lot of discomfort all of the time. There’s nothing much that can be done about it so she’s just putting a brave face on it and we’re all keeping an eye on her as best we can. As I’m not working I try and visit every few days so that I can spot if anything gets worse and also to do some jobs round the house for them both. I’ve also got a project on the go that I’m storing there so using that as a reason to visit so often. This has also helped me and dad bond together a bit too so is serving a dual purpose, as something for me personally but also as a distraction from all of the negative things that are surrounding us as a family right now.

    So no real big things but it’s looking hard for the next few months. We’re going to try and have a good a christmas as we can under the circumstances, provided Covid regs allow us to, the main issues being how often we can all see each other (me, mum, dad my sister) while keeping everyone safe. We’ve all agreed to register me as their main carer for the next few months too, previously dad was registered for mum and vice versa. This is mainly so that I can go and see them if further restrictions happen over the winter, being a carer is one of the few reasons I’d be allowed to go see them if we lock down again and if that does happen then they will both suffer with the isolation in the dark, cold months. I don’t get carer’s allowance out of it, that is still paid into their joint account, so there’s no issue of me doing it to gain financially it’s purely a practical step. Me and my sister still have to try and breach the subject of Power Of Attorney with them both again though (tried a while back but it hit a brick wall before we got it all set up) so any pointers and advice about that would be appreciated. Tough times are definitely not far away but as for now it’s looking alright. We’ll get christmas out of the way then see how things are after that.

    timbog160
    Full Member

    Sounds tough. You really really need to keep an eye on yourselves as well and make sure you get an occasional break from it, no matter how short.

    My only advice would be absolutely do not leave certain things too late, POA being a prime example.

    Very best of luck and keep your chin up.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    I’m trying to take care of myself, hard when I live alone during lockdowns though! Working at getting my weight down (Christmas Chub Club was a good nudge for this), have been riding as much as I can and the newly acquired project has really lifted my mood and given me something to focus on. My sister’s got her young family to focus on so we’ve both got distractions to help relieve the pressure thankfully.

    POA is the priority though, will see about broaching the subject again this weekend.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Just had a bit of a worrying call from my mum.

    Dad went to hospital yesterday for a colonoscopy as he was complaining of grumbly guts a few weeks ago and they hadn’t cleared up. They’ve found something worrying on the right hand side of his intestine, something growing outside it but pushing it in and causing a decent amount of pressure leading to blockages and inflammation of the lining. He’s now been booked in for a CT scan in the new year. While they were both there mum saw the dermatologist that is looking after her auto-immune issues and he’s worried about her lack of progress (the sores and blisters have been getting steadily worse) so he’s prescribed her a new course of more powerful round of steroids and antibiotics, the steroids to slow their growth and the antibiotics to help prevent any of them becoming infected. Add in that my cousin has tested positive for Covid, the Welsh govt has advised that vulnerable people should resume shielding (was a real struggle to get them both to adhere to this last time) and that the nurse we were paying for to visit them 3 days a week has retired as of three weeks ago means that mum and dad are both stressing about it all quite badly. They won’t admit to it but it’s blatantly obvious that they are worried about what the future holds. As I’m currently not working I’ve been going to care for them once a week since October, this will have to step up to twice a week from now on as the amount of chores and stuff to do after a week on their own is too much, just simple things like house cleaning, changing the bedsheets etc and other odd jobs they want/need doing but things I need to keep on top of. It takes ages to get these jobs done as I have to work around them, rushing them just leads to resistance and obstruction. Current way of working it is go there early, get some jobs done before they are active, stop and go hide in the garage working on my birthday project for a few hours then finish off the jobs and chores for them and walking the dog in the evening. Dad’s happy with that as he feels less ‘hopeless’ as he put it. Obviously the new lockdown/Tier 4 restrictions are a worry but as I’m caring for them I should be ok to travel to them every few days, I’m drastically limiting my other contact with others on top of normal precautions to reduce any risk as much as I can. Simple things like the two days before I go to them I stay indoors so that any symptoms have a chance to show, I do my own shopping on the way back from the last visit to them, my own exercise is done on Zwift on those days before going down etc. I try and get out on the bike the day after visiting them so I’m not totally stuck indoors, would go nuts otherwise!

    I have a nasty feeling the next few weeks and months are going to be a real struggle. Somehow I’ve got to look for a new job in all of this too. I know some people have it a lot tougher right now but it is hard to keep spirits up with a long, tough road lying ahead. Just getting to Easter and the respite the summer should provide is looking a long way off right now.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Had some good news today. Dad is now booked in for a cataract operation on the 21st Jan which means he has to self-isolate from the 7th onwards, they’re going to do his CT scan at the same time too. It does mean he and my mum will be stuck indoors for 2 weeks though, which is going to be a nightmare to get them to stick to, especially dad. Guarantee he’ll be going out with the dog most days, thinking he’s on his own and won’t get close to anyone. I’ll leave that battle to my mum though as I came close to falling out with him last visit, he thinks I’m trying to treat him like a child. It’s a sign of his frustration and possible early dementia (we’re sure of it) so will just have to bite my tongue for a while!

    Hopefully a sign that 2021 should start to be better than 2020.

    FB-ATB
    Full Member

    Fingers crossed for the op. My Nan had a cataract op in her early 90s. I was quite surprised they’d operate due to her age. It worked and made a huge difference to her. She was due to have the other eye done when she was 96, but had a chest infection that prevented the op until she was healthy.

    stripeysocks
    Free Member

    I’ve only ever heard positive things about cataract ops. I suspect doctors faced with elderly people with loads of stuff they can’t fix are only too delighted to have *something* that they can do (and obvs it’s never a bad thing having the patient at least being able to see where they’re going!).

    My Auntie was passed from pillar to post until she ended up in the surgery of a Danish consultant who was like, “My god! This woman is sick! We must find out why!” And the first thing he booked her in for was her cataracts – I think he felt she’d been messed about so much that she deserved to be treated for SOMETHING PDQ!

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    It will be his second so we know the difference it can make! It will be interesting keeping him under control though once he can see better, last time he was planning holidays all over the shop and other madcap ideas. Think he’s settled on building the model railway he’s been saying he was going to build for the last 20 years so hopefully that will keep him out of mischief.

    eddiebaby
    Free Member

    Best of luck with everything. I’ve been following this for quite a while. Your problems with your Dad reminded me of my Dad who was already showing dementia but when mum died he completely lost the plot.
    Having to tell him a dozen times a day the she was dead was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. Fingers crossed for the operation. As said above it is one of the easiest and most performed operations in the world.

    thecaptain
    Free Member

    Stubborn old relatives refusing to do PoA really pisses me off. You could try asking them if they really want to be abandoned if they need help and support in the future? Why do so many people refuse to take any responsibility for themselves in this obvious way? It’s about as selfish as dying intestate because you didn’t like to think about the possibility that you might die at some point.

    Amazingly, after failing to make progress a few years ago, we brought up the PoA thing again with my F-i-L and he agreed just recently. So don’t give up hope. It’s not really that he is any less stubborn but perhaps a bit less able to stand up to the discussion and maybe deep down he also starts to realise that little by little my wife is doing more for him.

    reluctantjumper
    Full Member

    Had a message from my mum today, dad’s refusing to stay indoors as per the Doctor’s isolation instructions. He’s insisting on getting the milk every morning and taking the dog out in the evening too despite a neighbour offering to do both.

    Mum and I have agreed we’ve already told him not to before he started his isolation period so we’re not going to create arguments with him. We just hope that he doesn’t pick up anything and that they don’t cancel the operation if they find out he hasn’t been isolating correctly.

    Really, really frustrating as mum has a few thongs round the house that need doing that neither of them can do. Normally I’d go there and do them but I’m determined to stay away until he has the operation as then he can’t blame me for anything.

    grahamt1980
    Full Member

    I know this is a serious topic, but what are you going to do with your mum’s thongs then?

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