Unknown sibling, would you want them to contact you?

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  • Unknown sibling, would you want them to contact you?
  • sc-xc
    Member

    Yes. Why not? I would hate to find out too late – and if we thought each other were the kind of people we don’t want to be around – just part company. It’s better to find out though?

    (I have no experience of this though – and I could see why it may cause problems)

    toys19
    Member

    I have a long lost brother. My Mum was sent to a convent (in Ireland) when she was pregnant and he was taken away the day he was born, he had a great upbringing and a happy life. Then he spent years looking for us..

    Seriously, it has worked out well, 20 years after we first met him, he is defo one of my brothers, but just consider the fact that you might end up ruining his life, not the other way round.

    Premier Icon tomd
    Subscriber

    My dad has a a long lost nephew, which came about as his sister got into bother and was shipped off as was the custom of the time. His nephew got in touch some 45 years trying to find his mother, he had a good up bringing with his adopted family but always wanted to meet his “real” family.

    It didn’t end well or badly. His nephew had very high expectations of what he would find, but for various reasons it didn’t really work out. My dad got very little out of it, perhaps it was more important for his nephew. My dad had basically blanked the incident out, as it was a great shame for the family when it happened. I don’t know if he was angry at his parents for what they did. At least his nephew found out more about his mother, met his half brother and sister. No fairy tail ending though.

    I expect this is the reality a lot of the time, it’s neither amazing nor life ruining.

    Premier Icon totalshell
    Subscriber

    a friend was adopted at birth made no attempt to find mother.. however at 55 the mother got in contact out of the blue.. she had terminal illness and could she live with daughter till she passed..

    friend did the very decent thing, without a moments thought.. drove her to drink and mental illness.. not good.

    wysiwyg
    Member

    I have a half brother I found out about last year. Looked him up on Facebook. His profile pic was him as a ninja. I turned off the pc.

    kukeslala
    Member

    sc-xc
    Thanks for replying.

    toys19
    Thanks for the reply, I have known this since I was young enough to be told, I’m assuming they know as would be older than me.
    But I suppose that’s where my insecurities around the situation are, that as they are older, if they wanted contact they would have made it before now.

    pymwymis
    Member

    Re Toys19. I was one of those (and there were many a the time (late60’s) who were sent to catholic mother and baby centres and subsequently adopted

    This year age 46,I finally met my birth mother then some months later my half brothers. They were really excited by the prospect (I had my concerns as, living as an eldest son all your life, then meeting an elder sibling (albeit a half brother would unsettle many – i think it would me. – Ive always been the eldest child in our family and it is definitely a different dynamic from subsequent children).

    I have to say it was a very easy meeting (day out walking) everyone very pleased with outcome and I quite like the idea of having brothers and we’re now in regular contact.

    It’s all very personal, and no one can tell you what is right. I think I was very lucky – everyone has to go into the process with the right attitude and not too much invested emotionally just in case it doesn’t work . The process of meeting birth mother took 6 months from first contact, then a further 6 til I met her husband and her 2 sons by that marriage.

    Just take it easy. Maybe try to put yourself in their shoes.

    Cheers

    Pymwymis

    Premier Icon the-muffin-man
    Subscriber

    From the other side of the coin – I’m adopted (in the late 60s), and have often thought about trying to find my birth parents. As I get older and am a father myself these feelings have faded – my mum and dad have given me a good life and it would devastate them if I made contact. They’re both in their late 70s now, so when they are gone I may try and trace my history then.

    One dilemma I do have is my daughter (now 10) doesn’t know I’m adopted, and I’m not sure telling her would help anything other than spoil her good relationship with my parents.

    kukeslala
    Member

    Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

    toys19
    Member

    We all new about him, he spent 10 years from 20-30 searching for us, my grandfather sent him on a few red herrings as he thought it would be better for us never to meet. He had no idea if his (my) mum was even alive and if he had any siblings at all. But thanks to a shit hot irish tracing agency he found us in 1990.

    that as they are older, if they wanted contact they would have made it before now.

    There are a multitude of valid reasons why they might not have made contact until now, do not judge until you meet them.

    Tom B
    Member

    I’ve got a half sister from my Dad’s first marriage….she’s about ten years older than me, never met her although she lives pretty near. She hasn’t seen my Dad for 30 years. Would I be bothered if she contacted me…dunno, it’d be weird….I’ve got a younger sister who is ace though so not really feeling in need of any extra siblings-can’t imagine that I’d be arsed about staying in touch with my half sister-can’t really see what it’d add to my life. Just seems like it’d be a big hassle just to satisfy curiosity-I have had a very stable and happy upbringing though, I can see why those with more complicated family situations would feel otherwise.

    pymwymis
    Member

    There are a multitude of valid reasons why they might not have made contact until now, do not judge until you meet them.

    Absolutely agree. You’d be amazed what levels of guilt / shame / stigma are/were associated with this kind of thing in the 60’s and they get carried throughout life in some cases.

    slowoldgit
    Member

    My father had been adopted as a child, pre-war. When I was a child some contact was made. It didn’t work: I’ve no idea why. It’s now way too late to ask. I wish I knew more so I could make contact myself.

    Go for it, but carefully.

    kukeslala
    Member

    Hi

    If you had a sibling who you dont have contact with due to family splitting before you were born or when you were very young, or a sibling you dont even know about, would you want that sibling to contact you, if they had your contact details?

    joeegg
    Member

    Quite a few years ago a young lady knocked on the door of my elderly fathers house.
    She said she was the daughter of my older brother,who is married with 2 children.This was news to my dad,but when the girl told him her surname he recognised it.Her mother had been an old girlfriend of my brother.
    She wanted to make contact with her father,my brother,and gave my dad a letter to pass on.
    My brother refused to have any contact with her and left it to my dad to tell her.
    I felt a little bit sorry for the girl as she did not force the issue,and when she was told that my brother did not want to see her,left,and made no more contact.

    globalti
    Member

    My late Irish friend Liam went through the first 35-odd years of his life thinking he was one of only two siblings. Then one day a bloke rang him and asked to meet, saying “I think we are brothers.” They met and Liam discovered that he had about ten brothers and sisters scattered all over the world as well as several nieces and nephews. His father had died before he was born and his mother had died in labour; the family was split up by the parish priest. The other kids were told he had also died but one of his brothers, who emigrated to Australia, didn’t beleive it and years later, when he had a successful haulage business in Oz and plenty of money, he started coming back to Ireland and trying to trace his youngest brother. The trail was long and it took about three years, there were several dead-ends but eventually he traced Liam and contacted him.

    Liam phoned me the next day day and said: “I’m coming round to introduce my brother to you!” which was almost as much a shock for me as I thought he only had one sister!

    Premier Icon sadexpunk
    Subscriber

    yeah, i definitely would too. just go into it with an open mind, accept they may not be the sort of person youd want to stay in touch with, but equally they may be a great person that would bring something into your life.
    worth a meet to find out tho.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    I’ve a half-brother and sister, on my dad’s side from a previous marriage. Last time I saw them I’d have been four or five I think, so I’ve no memory of them.

    The brother rang my dad a few years back, he was living in Canada but was in the area for a few days, did he want to meet up? My dad said he couldn’t as he had a pool match that night. Which about sums up my dad, really.

    I’d be really interested to meet them. How I’d go about even starting though I’ve no idea. And as someone else said, if they were bothered, I have an unusual name (the same as my dad’s) and an Internet footprint the size of a small country so I wouldn’t be hard to find.

    kukeslala
    Member

    toys19
    I dont mean to sound like I’m judging, just trying to explain from my thought process and trying to look at the situation from their shoes why I was unsure.

    TomB
    I did have a really good upbringing, and do feel happy and content in my life, I cant explain why I feel like this.

    pymwymis
    I understand those feelings and the impact they can have on the person that those things happened to directly and those also involved in the situation.

    slowoldgit
    Interested in why you wouldn’t go for it yourself now?

    joeegg
    I can respect that my siblings may not be interested, maybe this is also a reason I dont make contact subconsciously?

    globalti
    This is one of my issues to, what do you say…Hi, I think I’m your sibling, I dont know it just sounds so cringe!

    toys19
    Member

    I dont mean to sound like I’m judging, just trying to explain from my thought process and trying to look at the situation from their shoes why I was unsure.

    No I am sure you are not meaning to, but you are :

    if they wanted contact they would have made it before now

    this is a pre-judgement is it not? (I’m nto trying to be arsey, this is just a discussion point)

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Subscriber

    Other than for gawkish curiousity, what would be the point? I have a brother here in the UK with whom I have nothing in common other than our (now dead) parents. I have no desire to contact, or be contacted by, him.

    pymwymis
    Member

    Other than for gawkish curiousity, what would be the point? I have a brother here in the UK with whom I have nothing in common other than our (now dead) parents. I have no desire to contact, or be contacted by, him.

    Scotroutes, it’s a hell of a lot more complex than that. Your position of knowing all parties concerned means that you can make your choices without any what ifs. Those what ifs can play a major part in someone’s life depending on their personality and experiences.

    Personally I always knew my own situation, no one ever surprised me with the info and I have always been happy and secure with my family and upbringing. Other people’s experiences may differ and it’s no surprise to see insecurities develop with the gaps in information and feeling a missing connection / lack of roots.

    This is no lecture by the way, just trying to explain how things can be for some people in my experience. 😀

    I have two much younger half brothers that I don’t know. I did actually stalk the eldest one on Twitter and was surprised to find that he just seems to spend his time riding and crashing mountain bikes. I think he posts on pink bike. It must be in the blood. He seemed pretty cool, so it’s a bit of a shame.

    No real desire to get in touch though. Lot of water under the bridge between me and my old man.

    chewkw
    Member

    To avoid inbreeding, yes.

    To claim inheritance, yes.

    Other than that. No. Because it’s just going to complicate life.

    🙂

    hora
    Member

    Yes.

    Never leave life with regrets and ‘what if’.

    At least you made contact. If all is well youll rue not doing it sooner

    Premier Icon monkeysfeet
    Subscriber

    My Father left my mum whilst she was pregnant with me, never met my real dad, despite my trying to contact him. But you cant change people, I have a daughter and my own family and would be nice to meet him…

    My mother and I have not spoken for 10+ years due to various things… My life could fill an hours worth of Jeremy Kyle!!!

    As the saying goes you can choose your friends…..

    Premier Icon kimbers
    Subscriber

    wyswig your half brother is a ninja?

    slowoldgit
    Member

    kuke

    Since you asked, I’m curious, but have a few other things to deal with first. This must have been fifty years ago, so won’t be an easy job.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    No real desire to get in touch though. Lot of water under the bridge between me and my old man.

    This isn’t meant to be trolly, but I don’t really see how a schism with your father has any bearing on your potential relationship with your brother; they’re different people.

    I’ve got a half sister from my Dad’s first marriage….she’s about ten years older than me,

    Me too! I kept hearing about ‘Christine’ when I was a kid as she’d come up in conversation between my Dad & his mum, but Christine was like an enigma to me as her & Dad had fallen out after the divorce of Dad & Christine’s mum. Anyway years went by & Dad’s ex wife died, & my 1/2 brother told Christine a few home truths about their Mum & Christine though it a good idea to contact Dad (& consequently, me) Cue massive reunion with lots of tears & sorry’s! They kept in touch till Dads death & I’m still in contact, plus we get on like a house on fire & she’s an awesome cook! Happy days!
    I haven’t seen my 1/2 brother for about 5 years now though.

    Premier Icon Teetosugars
    Subscriber

    My ‘mother’ is trying to get in contact with me..
    I was adopted over 30yrs ago.
    I really can’t get my head wrapped around it all if I’m honest.
    All I do know is I don’t want to be found.

    Cougar – they live together. In a nice family unit. So getting in touch would mean either contact with my father, or having to explain why I don’t want contact with him – which would be difficult for the lad to swallow if he thinks his dad is a good family man. It would just be extremely difficult.

    djglover
    Member

    My wife was has 3 half sisters she has no contact with. Their father was abusive to her. They have attempted contact with her a few times, but they get ignored. Too close for comfort for my mrs I guess.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Cougar – they live together. In a nice family unit.

    Ah right, fair enough. That makes a lot more sense.

    kukeslala
    Member

    toys19 this is a pre-judgement is it not? (I’m nto trying to be arsey, this is just a discussion point)

    I didn’t take it to be arsey, with situations like this obviously there are lots of feelings and I am very much wrapped up in those feelings, so sometimes its hard to step back and think clearly about the situation, how you may do in other circumstances- posts like yours allow you to step back and try and analyse your thinking, so that can only be good!

    The bit you quoted follows me saying this is one of my main reasons for not making contact, and it was one of my main insecurities about the situation.
    However there are a lot of other reasons I can think of to counteract this thought, hence I am still questioning the situation, as if I had completely decided this is what I thought, I would move forward and not be questioning the subject further.
    I was brought up by one of the biological parents, and know the reason they are not in contact themselves, is not anything at all to do with not wanting to, I also see how this has effected them throughout their life.
    So even if the siblings involved said I’m not interested, I wouldn’t judge them on this choice.
    I’m not explaining myself very well, I’m am a babbler!
    I have thought through reasons for why they have not made contact with me (there are many not just the one I mentioned above).
    You may call this judging, but I always think when you say judging its used in a negative context (I may be wrong, its just how I tend to use it- I think), and I dont have any anger or negative emotion towards them.

    Premier Icon scotroutes
    Subscriber

    kukeslala wrote:

    I have thought through reasons for why they have not made contact with me (there are many not just the one I mentioned above).

    Have you considered that they just don’t care? With over 6 billion people on the planet I’ve not a hope of meeting everyone just in case I make a connection with them and the fact that I might share a few extra genes with a handful of them makes it no more likely.

    Junkyard
    Member

    I think i would want to know my sibling as they were likely just victims of circumstances.
    Cant see what real harm can come from it tbh

    toys19
    Member

    Have you considered that they just don’t care?

    I think he has, that was implied in the first post.

    I think you have accounted for yourself well OP, I would give it a chance, just take baby steps..

    yunki
    Member

    yes, absolutely – this is an entirely possible scenario in my own situation

    Although, I add a small note of caution, just as something to consider..

    I met up with friends of my father a couple of years back, which turned out to be a lot more emotionally involving than I thought it would be.. I think I had expected very little, perhaps maybe even nothing at all and was offered a great deal more than that, and so I found the whole experience although almost entirely positive, to be a bit overwhelming..

    totally recommended though.. 🙂

    It turned into quite a journey of discovery, not only into the past but also within myself..

    Philby
    Member

    When I was around 30 my Mum told me my Dad had been married before, but I wasn’t to tell him I had been told, as for his own reasons he didn’t want me to know – I think it had really worried my Mum that I didn’t know. Bit of a shock but thought that was the end of the ‘family secrets’.

    Roll on a few years just after my Dad died and my Mum summoned me home as she something to tell me that she couldn’t over the phone. Apparently my Dad had fathered a daughter when he was around 20, did his service with the RAF, and got back to find his wife had met someone else. My Dad was 48 when I was born, and he had never mentioned either being married or having a daughter (who would be 30ish years older than me). My Mum felt she had to tell me as a number of relatives knew and she feared them telling me if she died.

    For a while it was quite upsetting as it changing my views of my Dad as he was the sort of guy who went out of his way to help people and was particularly close to his niece and her 4 daughters, and shocked me that he had no relationship with his own flesh and blood. As a result I have never had any inclination to find her as it may open a can of worms, despite most friends saying they think I should.

    On a related topic I was made redundant from the sperm bank many years ago as I had reached the “target” of successful conceptions. As I don’t have any children of my own, I often think about how I would feel if one of my biological kids wanted to contact me, and the older I have become the more I would be open to this happening. I recall a TV programme of the distress a teenage girl went through trying to find and contact her biological father.

    wysiwyg
    Member

    Kimbers> no, just doing some crouching tiger crap in his garden with a collection of knives..

    kukeslala
    Member

    scotroutes Have you considered that they just don’t care?

    Um yes, is this a trick question? The post you quote of mine, is a conversation between me and another poster discussing exactly that…

    Thanks to everyone again for giving their feedback and situations.

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