On a snow holiday in France, sat on a busy terrace enjoying the sun with my mum, my wife and my 3 year old daughter.

Daughter pipes up: “Grandma… have you ever seen a real cock?”

Wife blows diet coke through both nostrils. Grandma bravely maintains composure and pretends to have misheard, so I ask daughter to repeat it which she loudly does.

Cue a second shower of nostril-coke and crippling kick to my shin.

(it should be pointed out that at this time my daughter had an annoying[i]endearing[/i] habit of asking every other day if we had ever seen a real X, where X was typically a crocodile, hippo, giraffe etc. On this occasion the animal she was innocently going for was of course a cockerel.)

i love how my daughter says ‘all by my own’ instead of ‘self’ its too cute to bother correcting her. infact we have started saying it like that too!

Me to my then 5-year-old son: “That bike’s getting a bit small for you.”
Him to me: “No, it’s the same size it’s always been,”

My daughter insists on calling people from Columbia, ‘Columbalumbians’ – she’s 14.
🙂

I’ve had a really happy 6 months of fatherhood.

My little guy is 2 next week

😉

Starting to say funny stuff though. Upon seeing a tractor making hay bales, shouts “Tractor pooooo!”
Now every time we pass a field with bales in (frequently since we visit the Peaks and Dales a lot) we get the yell “Tractor poo”. Nursery asked us what he meant!

He snuggled up the me this week and said ” Luv Daddy”. First 18 months almost forgiven…

Cockerels are cockadoodles in our house. For quite a long time elephants were elelelelelels.

Forgot about sheep, or baaas

When he sees sheep eating he shouts “Baaa snack!”

It’s also interesting observing your friends who have become dads for the first time. They seem to grow up and you see a different (very positive) side to them.
Reproducers, keep up the good work!

My lad christened his baby sister Mrs Chimbong when he was two years old.

We still call it her now and I suspect it will stick for life.

Looking at a childhood pic of me, middle OAB exclaimed tonight “hahaha, you look even more weird than Ben (youngest_oab)

😕

What badnewz said – two colleagues have become Dad’s this year, the change on them is amazing, from complete lads to strangely content with the world.

Eldest (now 21),when picking him up from nursery the teacher came out to speak to us. She said they had had a quiz and he volunteered the answer to ‘what are cuticles’. He answered ‘ they are the things that hang down when daddy puts his leg on the bath to dry himself’. Luckily teacher was a friend of ours.

Youngest (now 14), on his first night out of hospital we had a powercut (which was quite common at the time in Ribchester if anyone knows the village). We went to change his nappy by candle light on our new settee, and as I expertly used one hand to lift his feet up and slide clean nappy under, he fanned a spray of green shit all over me, settee and nearby dog. It was a laugh or cry moment.

the change on them is amazing, from complete lads to strangely content with the world. too knackered to care any more

FTFY.

Seriously though, when men become fathers they get a surge of hormones and their testosterone level drops. Basically they become a bit more womanly. Nature’s way of protecting the young and creating a bond.

(Fortunately our reptilian brain retains the ability to park)

I don’t have any of my own but had a deep and meaning full conversion with my god daughter last weekend about why going out and getting pissed out of her head and bringing her 2 mates back both as pissed to her mums house late on Saturday night then having one of them throwing up all night is NOT acceptable behavior for a 14 (going on 20 ) year old 🙄

Enjoy them while they are young gents it get worse!

My Cus never had any bother with her son (now 22) but her daughter is, in her words ” a **** nightmare!”.

i love how my daughter says ‘all by my own’ instead of ‘self’ its too cute to bother correcting her. infact we have started saying it like that too!

Ours said “ah ma self!” when she wanted to refuse help. We were a bit sad when we realised she stopped mispronouncing it.

We lived in Oman when Ms Seadog younger was aged 2.5, we were out at the park one evening… Points to local lady in park and pronounces in very loud and clear voice “Mucky Face! Mucky Face!”

She’s now filling in her UCAS Personal statement… Time has flown.

i love how my daughter says ‘all by my own’ instead of ‘self’ its too cute to bother correcting her. infact we have started saying it like that too!

Mine said exactly the same thing, she’s 5 now and still does it occasionally, we thought it was cute and never corrected it.

She also says ‘On this day’ instead of ‘today’ but my 2 year old son is funnier. He pulled out his willy and announced his ‘wee-wee snake’ needed fresh air.

Took the binnerettes (7&10) up to the woods behind the house , after school, to put a rope swing up. One of their mates came along. So I climb the tree with all the grace and agility of a three legged hippo, and I’m hanging off a branch trying to get it tied on.

Their mate chips in with “you’re very brave climbing up there”

Binnerette number 2: “yes, daddy is very brave. He hurts himself A LOT!”

Cheers Lils. Maybe ‘brave’ wasn’t quite the word you were looking for eh? 😀

It’s amazing what sticks in their minds. I’m always saying daft things but you forget they take it on board. She still won’t eat fish fingers since i said ‘but fish don’t have fingers, they must be mermaids?’ Also nursery pulled us up once saying she had freaked out when they tried to give her guacamole, she thought it was mashed up frogs!… Oops

Little Miss CFH giggling.

I’ve often said that the second best sound in the world is a giggling toddler. The best sound in the world is your own toddler giggling!

Also, Young Master CFH smiling at people. Hell, the little chap’s a matter of a few months old and already he’s sparkling at people! He makes lovely noises when he sleeps, too.

Sorry to hear that Willard – hope it does work out for you somehow.

Starting to say funny stuff though.

We live in the country, where many people ride horses. Most of them ladies. Little Miss CFH sort of knows the word “horse” but isn’t great at the letter S, so often, on walks around the village, she’ll point at the equestrian ladies and yell, “Hore! Hore!”

My eldest daughter (7y.o.) shouts “oh!, cheese and crackers!” when something goes wrong… It sounds like swearing from a 1920’s boarding school!. We took her up Snowdon this weekend and I was prepared to carry her if needed… she proceeded to walk the whole way up and down and raced me to the car park… kids are ace, just stand back and watch them and you re-learn loads of stuff.

Stayed at my MILs for Xmas when son was 1, he was ill the whole time

I’d only taken 1 pair of jeans so naturally he puked all over them on Xmas morning , I had to eat dinner and spend Xmas day in my cycling shorts.

Boxing day morning we have to do Xmas dinner again with my wife’s grand parents for complicated political reasons

As we were changing his nappy a jet of liquid shit shot out and got my wife in the face and hair, I couldn’t help laughing which didn’t go down well, then realised it’d also sprayed my jeans still drying after yesterday’s wash. I was told I had to go and buy some new trousers
Ended up finding some 5 quid asda ones in their boxing day sale

jaffejoffer – Member
i love how my daughter says ‘all by my own’ instead of ‘self’ its too cute to bother correcting her. infact we have started saying it like that too!

This.

Couple of nights ago while toppers jnr and I were watching ratatouille he just pipes up
‘Dad, do you love me?’
I reply ‘Yes mate of course!’
‘I thought you did’

It suddenly got quite dusty in the lounge. 🙂

Sat next to my 18 yr old and 12 yr old on a sofa watching tv. Marriage with their mum may have ended but I love them so much. So many good times. And so many more to come. A total joy.

Minimatt is 2.5yo now. Best ones are Dinosaur being Dining-Whore and anything that happened in the past be it 5 minutes ago or 5 days ago is yesterday.

He also figured out how to ring my mobile from Mrs Matt’s mobile as she has me on her emergency contacts. Anyway, I’m at work thinking it’s her ringing and it’s him telling me I have to come home with some glue to fix the bumper on his toy ice cream van.

Took eldest out for a driving lesson earlier, just before we left he was having a brotherly verbal abuse session aimed at his younger brother during which he called him an arse, to which the youngest responded “you can’t possible an arse, they have a sphincter that shuts them up!”
Still chuckling now.

First has just turned six months after a rocky start. Still have regular hospital appointments, but he is doing well. Trying to crawl, throwing or attempting to eat everything and babbling away. When I walk in after a crap day at work, his arms shoot out because he wants picking up and his little face just lights up at the sight of me………priceless and worth every minute of the last six months.

Also great when I spin him around, starts laughing and then suddenly develops a look of utter horror and I have to stop 😀

Words really can’t express how it’s changed me. Nothing else seems important beyond him and his mum

Youngest is 1.5. Woke up at 3 this morning and wouldn’t go back to sleep. Mrs passes him on to me after trying to feed him to sleep umpteen times- he tries to breastfeed my nose! Then looks me in the eye and laughs because he knows its wrong, I laugh so he does it again and again and again… both of us in hysterics- got tears in my eyes now 🙂

Our lad is 2 & ¾. The other week he came into our room at about 3am, and woke me up:

“Daddy, need a wee.”
“Ok. You know where the toilet is, do you want me to come and help you?”
“No, I go by myself.”
So he did, and put himself back to bed. Cheers for waking me up at 3am for nothing then…

Then there was the time when he got his hands on a bottle of sunscreen, took the lid off and poured it all over the hallway carpet. It was a spray one, so really runny (and also full), so it spread everywhere. Sunscreen is a real b*tch to get out of carpet…

Or the time he swallowed a marble at daycare. Except they weren’t sure, as he’d managed to get two or three in his mouth and spat two out… So a fun ten days of checking every filled nappy to see if there was a marble in it. Eventually we got him x-rayed (definitely one in there) so had a further week of squidging nappies until it came out. At least we have a cool x-ray to show him when he’s older!

Then again, it was fathers’ day the other week and my wife bought me some Lego (which was instantly appropriated by my son) but we spent hours building stuff together, which was awesome.

And a few weeks ago I got a 2×4 and an old bit of melamine shelf from the garage and showed him how to ride a see-saw and a (very small) drop/jump on his balance bike (a.k.a. his wobbly bike). He loved it, kept going and making small adjustments to it and riding it again and again.

The quality times vastly outweigh the sleepless nights and other dramas.

My youngest had me in stitches watching The Great British Bake off the other night, someone was baking a german cake and he asked “are they going to use nazipan?”

He’s 20 in two weeks time and training to be a teacher, the joy truly never ends 😀

My first born was nicknamed “Stinky” because of the truly awful smell she managed to produce on a regular basis. Not sure we were quite prepared for this.

She’s 15 now, and still happily (maybe) responds to the nickname. Doesn’t smell anything like as bad now though.

Congratulations Mark.

Good luck for next month. We left ours as a surprise, my better half was so convinced it was going to be a boy that she asked 5 times for confirmation it was a girl when she was born.

She is 18 months now, we want her to be bilingual (English and Slovak) so are speaking mainly Slovak at home which is now confusing the heck out of the nursery teachers. Earlier in the week they went to change her about 5 times thinking she had soiled her nappy – She kept pointing to he belly button and saying poopoo. Turns out mummy has been trying to teach her bellybutton in Slovak (pupok).

I went to the gym this morning so didn’t see my two.

Miss them already 🙁

Mine are 8 and 10, will be out tomorrow starting the process of choosing secondary school. Time does fly.

The 8 year old is a right sarcastic little cow though. I keep telling them that though they might not realise it now, in time they’ll come to recognize that i am in fact a comedy genius. And she keeps finding ever more sarcastic ways of putting me down.

Up until recently, the best put down was ‘that joke was a heap of fail, with fail topping’

But just recently she delivered the killer ‘daddy, your mouth is where jokes go to die’

Bitch.

your mouth is where jokes go to die

BRAVO

“daddy would you prefer me if I had curly hair?”

“No darling, you’re just right”

“I’m not eating my crusts then……….”

😐

This morning, ‘please can you tidy your toys up someone is coming to look at the house’ 2 year old promptly pees all over his toy garage while laughing.
Bit territorial IMO

Biggest has just learned to ride a “proper” bike and it brings tears to my eyes whenever I see him ride it. Although he says he prefers tarmac. But he is also an expert on Jens Voigt and has been coaching smallest to say yes when asked if Jens is his favourite bike rider.

Smallest is starting to talk and also does kisses now. Thankfully he has moved on from open mouthed ones.